Chapter 16
Chapter Sixteen
JACQUELINE
Why was he here?
How was he here?
Signe was off to the side, chatting with him about Ninja Turtles or something, blissfully unaware of the panic attack I was on the verge of having. Out of all the men in that stupid bar, I had to hook up with the one she and I were interviewing today.
The one that made me see stars.
Fuck me.
* * *
“I don’t know how to tell this story,” I sighed, slumping against the couch cushions in Mariam’s office.
“Usually it’s best to start at the beginning,” Mariam nodded. I looked at her hand movements going back and forth over her iPad. She was sketching today. For some reason, the focus she had on whatever illustration she was working on made me a little more comfortable opening up about my recent…thoughts.
“So,” I cleared my throat, then decided to grab a throw blanket Mariam kept on the arm of the couch and wrapped myself up in it, “You know how Leo and I are…you know.”
“Having intercourse.” Mariam finished for me.
“Yeah, that,” I smiled even though she couldn’t see it, “And, it’s been going great. I mean, it’s only been a few weeks, but what he and I have going on really works for us. Maybe it’s just because I’m finally getting to experience what everyone else hypes sex up to be, but regardless, I’m…happy.”
“That’s excellent,” Mariam looked up from her drawing to smile at me, then tilted her head, “Why am I sensing a but?”
I winced, “Well, two nights ago Leo came over again to—ahem, you know—”
“Boink,” Mariam finished again.
I made a face, “That’s not the word I’d use.”
“I don’t know why you’re tiptoeing around it today,” Mariam lifted an eyebrow at me, “You’ve cursed in here before. You’ve talked about sex before.”
“I know, I know,” I covered my face in my hands, “I’m just embarrassed about this next part.”
“Okay,” I parted my fingers to see Mariam wave her hand in a gesture that indicated I should spit it out.
“I couldn’t orgasm this time,” I kept my hands over my face, my cheeks flaming from this admission, “And I have no idea why.”
Mariam’s eyebrows rose, “Interesting. How did that go?”
I dropped my hands and instead tugged the throw blanket up, up, up until my hands held it under my chin. My face was the only part of my body that was visible against the material. I looked out the window of her office as I explained the situation the best I could.
“It went…fine? As fine as it could go without me finishing, that is. I felt so bad for him. He went down on me for so long, and when that didn’t work, he tried using his fingers, which was wonderful. But I still couldn’t quite make it over the edge. Eventually, I got too embarrassed and stressed about it and told him it probably wasn’t going to happen,” I played with my fingernails under the throw blanket as I continued, “Which he was fine with. So naturally I tried to reach over and, you know, help him finish. Because I wasn’t about to make him suffer just because I couldn’t orgasm first.”
Mariam tilted her head at me, focusing back on her drawing, “And how did he respond to that?”
I frowned, “He wouldn’t let me help him. He told me not to worry about him.”
Mariam lifted her head to look at me, silent.
So I continued.
“I apologized again, and even cried a little.” My cheeks heated from humiliation at the memory of Leo wrapping me in his arms as I cried and apologized for not being able to perform as expected. I remembered him shushing me, whispering encouraging words with his lips in my hair as he held me tight. Until I could calm down enough, “And then, we just… hung out.”
“Nice,” Mariam smiled, “What does ‘hung out’ mean, exactly?”
I shrugged under the blanket, “He turned on the TV and ordered takeout, and we sat on my couch watching Shrinking for a couple of hours. Then he kissed me goodbye, which he always does, and left as if…nothing was wrong.”
Mariam smirked, “Do you think something is wrong?”
I nodded my head, “Yeah. I didn’t come.”
Mariam dropped her smirk, “That doesn’t mean something is wrong, Jacqueline.”
“I—” I stopped myself, wondering if I was being ridiculous for this fear before I shook my head and remembered that this was where I could safely voice my thoughts, “I told him about Vincent.”
Mariam gagged dramatically, “Sorry, it’s a reflex whenever I hear his name,” that made a small laugh sneak out of me, “How did that conversation go?”
I caught myself grinning before I tried to relax my facial expression, but Mariam caught the smile, and she pointed an accusing finger at me with a wide grin on her face, “I saw that. What did he say?”
I rolled my eyes and snuggled into the blanket more, “He seemed furious on my behalf.” I remembered how safe I felt with him. “It was kind of nice to see. How he sided with me, even though I’m sure my perspective of that relationship is completely biased—”
“Stop it,” Mariam lifted a hand, “Whatever you said about that little man, I’m sure you did so with fairness he didn’t deserve.”
I looked back out the window, “I did call him an asshole though.”
“He’s called you worse,” Mariam reminded me, “It’s fine. I’m glad Leo understood what an asshole he was.”
“Yeah…” I sighed, “And then we had sex afterward.”
“And did you orgasm that time?”
I blinked, thinking about it, “Yeah, I did.” I scratched my chin before tucking my hand underneath the blanket again, “I thought that maybe opening up to Leo about my ex somehow took away my ability to orgasm. But that couldn’t be the case, because I orgasmed hard almost immediately after the conversation.” I sighed, defeated, “Now I’m not sure why I didn’t this time. And I’m kind of freaking out about it.”
Mariam sighed, setting her iPad pencil down and giving me a direct look, “How’s work going?”
I blinked at the sudden conversation change, but I went with it. I trusted Mariam, “Um. Fine. I interviewed more employees to add to the HR department this week.” Then I bit my lip, a familiar swarm of nerves filling my chest, “…I received a weird email from Brandon.”
“Why was it weird?” Mariam pressed, crossing one of her jean-clad legs over the other.
“It was cryptic,” I frowned, “Vague. He said he wanted to meet with me next week about potential changes and to keep him updated on who I chose to hire next.”
Mariam raised her eyebrows, “Interesting.”
“Yeah,” I gnawed on my bottom lip, “You can see why I’m kind of stressed about that.”
“Definitely,” Mariam nodded, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair to summarize the situation, “You received a vague email from your boss, and now you’re going to be spending the next week spiraling about what he’s going to say in the meeting.” Mariam lifted a shoulder, “When did you get this email?”
I quirked my lips to the side, “A couple of days ago.”
Mariam nodded again, “Before or after you had sex without orgasm with Leo?”
I stared at her, because the way she said that sentence stuck out to me. She didn’t say “failure to orgasm” or “inability to finish.” It was such a clinical description of what the situation was, and for reasons I couldn’t explain, I felt a little less insecure about it.
“Before. I got the email the day before Leo came over this last time.”
Mariam stared at me.
And stared.
And stared some more.
I shifted under her gaze, “So…” I slowly raised my eyebrows at her, “Are you saying that Brandon’s email maybe had something to do with—”
“Do you know,” Mariam interrupted me, “what the largest sexual organ in a woman’s body is?”
I shook my head, visibly clearing my thoughts in an attempt to catch up with the whiplash she was giving me during this discussion, “Um…the clit?” I immediately tried to think of something else. There was the labia, but was that considered sexual as in sexual ?
Mariam shook her head, “It’s an important organ, but no. Any other guesses?”
Heat burned my face and neck, Shit, did I not know my own fucking body? I needed to get home and start researching women’s anatomy—
“Before you panic,” Mariam interrupted my train of thought, “Don’t. The answer you’re seeking is…” she leaned forward and drummed her two index fingers on the side of her desk, making me relax from the theatrics she pulled, “The brain.”
What?
“The brain is a sexual organ?” I asked.
“Especially for women,” Mariam nodded, “I’d argue the most important, before the clit.”
I widened my eyes, “Wow…”
“I know,” Mariam settled in her chair again, tucking one of her legs underneath herself, “Buckle up, because I’m about to get kind of preachy.”
I glanced around myself, still self-swaddled in her fuzzy throw blanket while completely sunken into the couch. I didn’t move a muscle before I looked back at her and said, “Okay.”
“Before I continue, you need to understand that I do not subscribe to traditional gender roles or any idea that men are genetically superior to women. I believe doing away with the ‘men are physical and women are emotional’ mentality would solve a lot of problems in modern society,” Mariam waited for me to nod again before continuing, “That being said, there are scientific, biological reasons why men and women’s sex drives differ.
“For example, every single time a man ejaculates, he can get a woman pregnant—don’t make that face, I’m not saying you are going to get pregnant,” I laughed at how quickly she called me out on my grimace, knowing how I was purposefully child-free. She waited for me to recover before continuing, “Women, however, can only get pregnant once a month. Her fertile window is mere days, during ovulation. Usually, ovulation is when women get the horniest, right?”
“Right.” I knew exactly when I ovulated. The last time I realized I was ovulating was a morning before work because I nearly whimpered at the sight of Leo dismounting his bike and removing his helmet. As he ran his fingers through his hair to fix it, I wondered if I should bail before entering the building, call in sick for the day, and go home to use my vibrator. He reminded me of every bad boy in any movie ever, even though I knew he wasn’t at all. But then I remembered how he punched Vincent in the face immediately upon meeting him, and I was a goner. I was distracted by the memories of us being intimate together all day. So, near the end of the workday, I texted him, and he came over to my apartment for the next three days in a row.
“So, knowing that, it stands to reason that women wouldn’t be fully aroused nearly as often as men, right?” Mariam asked.
“Yeah…but regardless, I’ve always been able to orgasm with Leo. He’s the only one I’ve been able to orgasm with, for whatever reason. I just, I don’t know…it’s been nice feeling like a normal, healthy, sexually functioning woman for the first time in my life. I don’t want to lose that.”
“I doubt you will,” Mariam raised a shoulder, “You’re stressed. You have something unsettling going on at work. You’re opening up and being more vulnerable with Leo. You’re probably not even ovulating.”
I shook my head, “My period started this morning.”
“See?” Mariam smiled, “When I’m going through my luteal phase, I’m the farthest from aroused. My wife knows I’m pretty much closed for business for that week.”
“Really?” I widened my eyes, suddenly desperate for more information. I didn’t have sisters, my mother died when I was young, and my father was never interested in his children. Once we turned eighteen, my dad started living part-time on whatever cruise struck his fancy. Marco was all I had, which was nice…but he was a man. I didn’t have women in my life to talk about this kind of stuff with.
The closest thing I had was Signe, Mary, and Jamie. But our brunch conversations never seemed like the place for me to ask, “Hey, so do any of you have difficulty orgasming? What do you do to help with that?”
“So I understand why this freaked you out,” Mariam continued, “You went from never orgasming with a partner, to suddenly becoming an orgasming queen with Leo. Your confidence was up, your skin was clearer, colors were more vibrant—”
I snorted at her description, “That’s a little dramatic, but yeah, I see what you’re saying.”
“But please, please don’t get so worried prematurely. If this continues to be a problem, then maybe you can talk with your doctor to have your hormone levels tested. In the meantime, I think Leo had the right idea.”
I furrowed my brows, “What was his idea?”
Mariam smiled, “He tried to take the pressure off of you.”
Huh , “Yeah, I guess he did.”
“He didn’t make you feel bad for not finishing,” Mariam lifted her hand to start listing items off of each of her fingers, “He validated your feelings without making you feel like you had to get him off, instead. He stayed to eat dinner and watch TV with you. He didn’t try to start things up again after some time had passed, either. He respected your body’s boundaries and kissed you goodbye like normal. Have you two spoken since then?”
I nodded, “…He’s sent me some funny memes. And we’ve been sending each other songs back and forth—he always wants to know what I’m listening to at work….I guess we’ve acted how we normally act at the office.”
Mariam raised her eyebrows, “So he’s not upset with you or ghosting you over this?”
I shook my head, “No, he hasn’t given me that impression at all.”
Mariam lifted a shoulder, “All I am saying is, unfortunately—though it may have felt like that for a while—there is no such thing as a magic dick. Our brain still dictates our libido most of the time.” She lifted her pencil to point to her head of curls, “Give yourself time to be stressed over work, and try again with Leo another time. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Continue communicating your needs to Leo like the confident, sexual, badass woman you are.”
My cheeks blushed with the compliment, and a nervous smile tugged on my lips as I replied, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Mariam nodded, lowering her gaze back to her iPad as she retrieved her pencil, “…Perhaps you should let Leo know how you’re feeling about all this, too.”
I shook my head, “That’s embarrassing.”
Mariam lifted a shoulder, “You already cried with him. I’m sure talking about it more in-depth would be fine.”
I shook my head again, “That was in the moment, though. I was a wreck. Bringing it up after a couple of days have passed seems like…I don’t know, uncomfortable. Weird.”
Mariam blinked at me saying, “You’re right. Anything uncomfortable or weird usually isn’t worth talking about at all.”
I groaned and tugged the blanket up over my head.
Because this time, I understood Mariam’s sarcasm loud and clear.
I just wasn’t confident enough to acknowledge the truth in her words, yet.