Chapter Eleven
March
Liam
Hospitals are a place where I feel secure. I hate them when it means I have to be off the ice, but I know this is the best place to be. It’s a symbol of recovery and safety. There is something comforting about the bright open space. As uncomfortable as the chairs are, it is a comfort to know I won’t have to sit in them for long. This is very different to any other hospital waiting room I’ve been in before. The medical rooms in stadiums always have the best equipment and the top minds in sport medicine are at our beck and call. I have been incredibly lucky in my career not to have received too many hits. I’ve dislocated a few shoulders and bruised every rib, but there has not been a time when I have needed to worry about my career ending.
A prenatal ward is unlike anything I’ve seen. The walls are plastered with informative posters about the dangers of smoking while pregnant and charts displaying foetus sizes compared to fruit. Apparently our baby is the size of a lime. These types of posters never really made sense to me. I’ve looked at them online, but it’s confusing because no two limes are the same size, so what size lime is our baby exactly? A big juicy lime ready to eat, or a little lime left on the shelf? I guess Ellis will know by how much her back aches.
Unbeknownst to her, I’ve got a little pile of pregnancy books on my bedside table. Just because this is the first scan I could come to that doesn’t mean I haven’t been trying to find out as much information as possible. That is how I know our little lime is fully formed in there. All its bones and organs are inside Ellis.
Even the thought amazes me. She’s growing someone else’s organs and acts like it’s not a big deal. It is a huge deal.
As we wait I can’t help but notice the other couples around us. To our right there is a pair who I think might hate each other. I know some people just co-parent, hell it’s what Ellis and I are doing, but these two have barely spoken a word. I have scripted a whole morning for them where they were trying to paint the nursery; he wants blue and she wants something more neutral like a beige. He threw a fit about how nothing he suggests is good enough and she told him to stop yelling at a pregnant woman (as she should) then he stormed out of the nursery to calm down, but she is still holding the grudge.
Of course, these are strangers who might be madly in love. But they are sat more or less with their backs to each other and he has sighed every five minutes. Could I be staring at the view of mine and Ellis’s future? She has no reason to have any loyalty to me, and she even has some reasons to hate me, my travelling is one. I will miss a lot of midnight cries that she is going to have to deal with alone. I can imagine that causing some resentment. The thought of it makes me shudder.
Ellis thought it would be a good idea to set some clear boundaries in our relationship. A strictly co-parenting relationship. We decided that we have to keep the lines clear. We can’t indulge in a relationship because if things didn’t work between us it wouldn’t only affect the baby, but Jack as well. She doesn’t want him getting attached to me if I’m not always going to be around. When I tried to argue that I always would be, she pointed out how I travel so much already that I can’t make that promise. That stung. I know my job is going to create difficulties for us, but I don’t want to seem like less of an involved dad because of it.
I kept to myself that I’d be willing to try more than just co-parenting. Some selfish part of my brain wanted to push her into admitting that we could be great together, just like how we were before. But I don’t know if that’s true. As much as I like spending time with her and Jack, I don’t really know the woman she has become. I know she is strong and protective and her heart is hidden behind a hundred walls, but how can I tell her we would be perfect together if we haven’t been together in a decade? I don’t know if my nostalgia is making me want something that doesn’t exist any more. Maybe I’m delusional, but I can feel the chemistry between us. It isn’t all just sexual. And despite all of that, I want her to at least know that she can depend on me. That I’m not going to leave when things get rough.
In the corner opposite us sits the epitome of a happy couple. His hand has been rubbing circles on her large bump while she has been going through every baby name she can think of. I think they must be early twenties, with a youthful glow about them. I personally have hated every name she has suggested; you would think she was giving birth to a pensioner. I mean, is Gerald a real suggestion? The man seemed to very kindly shoot that down in a way that made it seem like it was her idea.
I wonder if they already have a child because he seems practised at keeping her balanced. As I listen in, the man darts his eyes to me every once in a while. I look away, thinking he is probably annoyed that a stranger seems to be listening to their conversation. But from the corner of my vision, I see him nudge his partner and nod in my direction. That’s when I realise I’ve probably been clocked for more than just being nosey.
I knew a cap wouldn’t be a good enough disguise, but I wasn’t exactly going to turn up in a mask either. The chance of being recognised is never zero, no matter how much preparation I do. The man leans forward and opens his mouth as though he is going to ask me something, but I give him a subtle shake of my head, hoping it deters him.
“Jesus, it’s really you!” he exclaims. Ellis jolts at the sudden noise.
I shush him lightly as some others around the room draw their attention towards us. “Hey,” I speak quietly, edging forward on my chair. “I’m more than happy to sign something, but I’d like to keep it low profile.”
“Oh! Yes, sorry! I’m just a huge Spears fan,” he whispers back at me, pulling a baby book from his satchel. I glance at Ellis who smiles shyly, rummaging through her handbag for a pen. The irony of me signing a baby book isn’t lost on me. The idea alone makes me chuckle.
“It’s great to meet you… what’s your name?” I flip to the front of the book. I eye Ellis over my shoulder to gauge her true reaction, I can’t read the look on her face. I don’t know if she’s mad or just observing me.
“Oh, yeah right, sorry – it’s Tom.”
As soon as I catch his name I scribble a message in the book, sign it, and hand it back to him. His hand darts out to take it from me but I keep my hand locked around it, not handing it over just yet.
“Tom, can you keep this between us?” I tell him in a low voice. I raise my eyebrows wanting him to understand. Ellis isn’t ready to announce to the world that she is having a hockey player’s baby, and until she is I will do what I can to keep this under wraps.
Though I would have paid for the most private treatment available, Ellis is insistent on seeing her usual doctor – and who can blame her. Her doctor knows her well, her condition, and her previous pregnancy. It would be selfish to take her away from what she knows for the sake of my identity being hidden.
“My lips are sealed. Thanks dude.” He winks. When I finally release my grasp on the book he seems overjoyed. I really hope he is a man of his word.
I look back at Ellis, not saying a word. Silence is so much easier when there aren’t so many things I want to say. On one hand I want to apologise for the disturbance, but I also know it’s probably going to happen again. It’s part of the deal of being around me. But right now, I’m not ready to hear Ellis tell me I am too much to take on. Instead I go right back to observing the final woman in the room.
Across from us is a woman sitting on her own. It’s a visual for me of how Ellis has looked every time she has been in this waiting room. The brunette is reading a book yet her phone pings every couple of minutes, and every single time she puts her bookmark in place and texts back whoever is looking out for her. When I was sat in my hotel room waiting for Ellis’s FaceTime I thought about nothing else apart from the fact Ellis would have done this all alone for Jack. I know she brought Jack to her scan at eight weeks, but she could have found out some bad news and I would’ve been in another state unable to hold her. Being here and seeing the posters reminds me just how excited I am to not only be a parent but to be one alongside Ellis Ainsley.
“I need to pee so bad,” Ellis announces, shifting uncomfortably in her chair. “I can’t believe how much we have to drink for the scan to get a clear picture, I mean with today’s technology? Surely we don’t need to make already bloated and heavy women more bloated.”
“Hmm.” I try to focus on Ellis’s words and muster up a reassuring response, but nothing comes. I am too distracted by my inner monologue to engage.
“Why are you so quiet?” Ellis’s voice shocks me out of imagining a backstory for the solo woman in front of me.
“A few reasons.”
“Come on Liam, I thought your mouth would be going a mile a minute.” She laughs.
“Honestly? The first reason is because I’m so fucking scared, about seeing the baby, about becoming a dad, but also because—” I can hear my own voice crack as I try to speak honestly, “I think I might cry if I talk too much.”
It’s the real reason I have been losing myself to these strangers’ stories, it’s so much easier to dissociate than face the fact I am a dad . Ellis has already warned me about her health, about the worries she has with carrying a child in her condition, and the higher possibilities of tragic occurrences. But even if something were to happen with this pregnancy, if the very worst happened and we somehow lost the baby, I would still be their dad. The emotions haven’t escaped me from the very first scan. I didn’t think love could come for something you haven’t seen or even felt, but I love this baby.
“Liam,” Ellis’s eyes are filled with sympathy.
“I’m sorry.” I pull her to me in a second. I smell the mix of her shampoo and perfume. She has always smelt the way I imagine a tropical island smells when you wake up in the morning. Fresh and floral with something fruity like mango or peach. When I woke up alone in December I could still smell her all around my home; she was buried in every atom of my being.
“I’ll cry if you keep being so cute.” Her words are muffled against my chest as I laugh.
“You think I’m cute?” I quip. Before Ellis can reply, a voice captures her attention.
“Miss Ainsley?” the nurse calls from the door.
Pacing around the room as Ellis has her blood drawn and weight taken, I go over all the questions I have for the doctor in my head. I could ask Ellis but I don’t want to bombard her and risk making her more anxious than she probably already is. She is a pro at this by now and I feel like a fish out of water begging for some guidance.
“You’re making me sea sick.” Ellis breaks my concentration.
“I didn’t think you had any nausea any more?” I rush to her side in a second.
“I don’t, but your pacing is making the room feel like it’s spinning, so can you sit down?” Her hand captures my elbow on my next walk past.
“I have too much energy El, there’s a baby in you and I’m about to see it for the first time in person. I feel like I’m about to go out on the ice.” I shake my hands out as though that’s going to do anything to help.
“What do you do to calm down there?” she asks.
“Push a dude against the boards, but I don’t see that as an option here.”
“Please don’t body-slam my doctor,” Ellis jokingly pleads as the door clicks open again.
“I second that,” Dr Horne announces with raised eyebrows. “Hi Ellis, and it’s good to see you in person, Liam. But if we can refrain from fouling me during the scan it would be appreciated.” Dr Horne looks different in person compared to a phone screen, she is human-sized for one, but her smile seems so much wider and more genuine in person. With her round face and round eyes she reminds me of the garden gnomes my mom has on her lawn in Florida.
“Sorry Doc, just filled with nerves,” I reply, only marginally embarrassed.
“You’re a first-time dad, you get a pass. So, Ellis, before we get the ultrasound out is there anything going on that you’re worried about?” Giving Ellis her full attention Dr Horne takes a seat on a rolling stool and I move to stand next to Ellis’s head so I can hold her hand.
“Heartburn is kicking my arse but I’m doing good, no more sickness really, it’s just around certain foods.” I fail to stifle a laugh as I remember an incident earlier in the day.
“I wanted to have a tuna sub for lunch and she tried to murder me,” I explain quickly, my smile falling fast. Ellis looks up at me with slight irritation. It’s my cue to keep some thoughts to myself.
“No more tuna for you then, Dad.” Dr Horne continues to talk but I think I black out at her words. It’s the first time someone has called me Dad. Dad is going to be my new name. I am no longer just Liam or Ruin. I’m Dad .
The thing that pulls me back into the room is the whooshing noise from the computer’s speakers. Dr Horne is moving the probe around to find the baby as I wait on bated breath for a glimpse.
Then there it is.
Our baby takes up the screen. Everything else ceases to exist. Nothing but the image of my baby and the feeling of Ellis’s hands tightly wrapped in mine. So much has changed since last time, it’s almost hard to believe it’s the same baby. What was once a small blob now appears to have limbs and a rounded head.
After typing for a few seconds, the screen changes slightly and a different sound falls into the room. Quick heartbeat sounds thump through me. My heart stopped so my baby’s could beat. It feels as though my heart will always beat in tandem with the little person on the screen. The sound is faster than I imagined.
Dread slips over me when Ellis slips her hand from mine. My eyes snap to hers to see her thumb reaching up to wipe tears from my cheek. I couldn’t feel the tears coming, but they don’t surprise me. I have never felt this many emotions at once.
Excited.
Scared.
Thrilled.
Awed.
But mostly so damn scared.
There’s also the intense need to show Ellis how much she means to me. It’s really because of her that I feel any of this to begin with. She looks radiant laying on the bed. Despite how she’s been feeling, I can’t help but think pregnancy suits her. I can see a glow about her. There is a second where I contemplate kissing her, but I know that isn’t what she wants from me. That would muddy the clear boundaries she wants. Co-parents and nothing more, Liam, remember that. Instead, I take her into my arms.
“Thank you. Fuck, Sunshine, thank you,” I mutter. As soon as Dr Horne leaves the room and Ellis has wiped the goo from her stomach, I lift her off the bed and spin her around, the dress that was pulled up over her stomach falling down and around as we spin.
“Liam! Put me down!” Her shrieks are peppered with laughter.
“You have precious cargo, I think I should carry you everywhere.”
“Ask me again when my ankles swell, I might take you up on it.” She pulls my earlobe until I put her down. Nobody has done that to me since college. It was her favourite way of pulling me off the sofa when she wanted to study but I was too busy staring at her. Her other technique was to kiss me until I was putty in her arms and then sneak attack by putting my textbooks on my lap when I tried to pull her closer.
“I’m glad it’s you who I get to co-parent with, Liam,” she says with sincerity. I nod in response. No words will describe how much I love and hate what she just said. Instead I watch as she zips up her jacket and goes to leave the room.
I wish I could tell her that isn’t what I really want. Co-parenting isn’t enough for me, especially not after how I felt when we reunited at that bar. But something in her doesn’t want me – doesn’t want us like that. I debate with myself whether or not to be honest about how she makes me feel. But risking what we currently have, the steady, easy-going bond… it seems selfish.
So I stay quiet, and follow her out the door.