Chapter Twelve
Ellis
I can feel it the moment it happens. When my brain drains of the adrenalin from hearing the heartbeat and we are back in the car. I feel the second it all saps away. The high of seeing the baby and having Liam by my side crashes as I stare at the sonogram picture the whole way home. So wrapped up in the feelings of anxiety digging its way into my heart that I don’t know if Liam is driving to my place or his, but I know I have hours until it’s time to pick up Jack so I don’t care. I care about the fact my life is about to be splintered apart and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Jack for the most part was a happy baby, his birth was scary, I was going in blind and alone but it was a straightforward labour. There is no way to guarantee it will happen like that this time. There are so many things that can go wrong.
One of the things Jack struggled with when he was first born was sleeping. He just didn’t want to do it. I would feed him, change him, hold him. But he would cry relentlessly. All through the night. All through the day. It felt as though I went months without more than two hours’ sleep. Every feed was my responsibility, every nappy was mine to clean up, and nobody told me how many loads of clothes I would have to wash.
Now I’m going to be doing that again, alongside raising a small child. My routine will be out of the window, there will be no full night’s sleep to replenish myself for the next day. The days will roll into each other and I am going to have to find a way to still be a parent to Jack.
I can hear Liam talking to me from the driver’s seat, but the words don’t penetrate my spiral. I don’t hear the car stop or him getting out. It isn’t until he opens my door for me that I am pulled back to the present. I can see the concern in Liam’s eyes but I don’t have the strength to pretend everything is fine. Because it isn’t. I am in so much pain already and I am only one third through. There is so much left to go and so much I will have to do and change even once the baby comes. Everything is spinning out on me and there is nothing solid for me to hold on to.
Frankly, I don’t care if he is concerned. Neither of us are to blame for my contraceptive failing because I was ill, that couldn’t be helped. But that is too logical for my brain. Liam is the reason my head feels like it may fall from my shoulders and he gets to smile and watch as my body goes through anguish to give him a child.
It’s true that I wanted another baby one day, and I know that if I didn’t want to do this I could have waited and given myself more time, but those are not the thoughts I care about right now. I care about the fact Liam Ruinsky has ruined my normalcy. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad if he was actually going to be around whenever I need him. But in typical Ellis fashion, I had to get pregnant by a man who is going to be gone half of the time to play stupid hockey with his stupid team.
I am scared and mad, and I don’t know which one I feel most. Somehow they are both his fault. I could blame the resentment on my hormones, but instead I blame him. My hormones are crazy because I’m pregnant, and I’m only pregnant because of him and his stupid perfect face.
“So, are we going to talk about what’s bothering you?” He asks through a tight jaw. We’ve pulled up outside of his house and I jump out of the car slamming the door on my way out, it doesn’t help my simmering emotions the way I wish it would.
“You are,” I answer bluntly. I’m aware I sound like a stroppy teenager, but I’m too far gone to turn back now. I look away from him and throw my jacket onto his couch. I can feel my fear brewing into anger.
“What did I do?” he asks with his arms outstretched in confusion. Isn’t that the million-dollar question, Liam? He asks it like he really thinks he has said or done something today to upset me. The reality is, I’m upset about how he is managing to stay so damn strong and steady when I can’t even see straight.
“You got me pregnant, you arsehole!” I yell and throw my bag onto the floor.
“What? That’s what’s bothering you?” He frowns, shaking his head. I would feel sorry about how confused he looks, but he should be keeping up.
“Everything is going to change because of this baby and my whole world is going to crumble.” I point my finger at him to show him how much this is all his fault.
“It’s not going to crumble, Sunshine.” He has no right to try and be sweet right now. My lips lift in a snarl and I move away from him.
“You have no idea, do you? Jack is going to be a brother and there is going to be a baby, a baby that isn’t going to give a shit about my schedules.” I am rambling and I see him try to interrupt but I’m not letting that happen, he just has to listen. “You’re going to get to waltz in whenever it suits you and tell me everything I’m doing wrong. There are so many things that I could do wrong. I mean, what if I get taken into hospital with a flare-up? What if I have to stop working? What happens if it’s a premature birth and you’re miles away? Or what happens if Jack hates the baby? Or if the baby hates me?”
“Ellis, stop for a second. You’re catastrophising and you need to come back to earth.” His voice is tired, I can hear all of his earlier joy has fallen away. When I turn to look at him, I can see worry for me in his eyes, but I don’t stop pacing. It’s like he didn’t hear a word I said, nothing about that is catastrophising. All of it is a real possibility and now he wants me to calm down . Fuck him.
“Oh, that sounds so easy, don’t know why I didn’t think about that. You are so fucking helpful.” My teeth are gritted and the sarcasm tastes like poison against my tongue, but there is no stopping it.
“What can I do to help?” Liam asks, reaching a hand out for me that I bat away.
“Nothing! It’s too much. Everything hurts. I don’t want to be alone again.” My voice falters over the words and I can feel myself shaking. Tears fill my eyes as the emotions continue to pour out of me. Every thought I have had over the past twelve weeks is pouring out of me in the middle of his living room floor. Liam looks tortured through my tears, but I can’t find it in me to look after him as well as me when I am crumbling onto the cold floor.
“Sunshine, please get up.” Behind the fog of my tears, I see him close in on me, so I scramble back even further. His voice is soft and kind, trying to put me at ease, but it doesn’t work. It still sounds like static to me, a background humming in a deep corner of my mind. Unable to focus on it.
“Don’t touch me!” I hear my voice but I don’t recognise it. I need Liam to put me back together again. I wish he could, but I know if he touches me the fragile remains of me will turn to ash.
“Ellis, please.” He is on his knees in front of me now and it makes a small part of my heart long to reach out for him, but my brain is not ready for his comfort.
Instead I yell out, “Liam, I’m scared!” I am pulling at my clothes and my hair. Everything feels too much. My hair is sweaty on the back of my neck, my clothes feel constricting around my barely showing bloated belly.
“Ellis, stop.” He tries to pull my hands from my hair but as soon as his hands settle around my wrist I tug them out of his grasp. The words are desperate when he speaks.
“No, you don’t understand! You can’t understand, I don’t know why I thought you would. Fuck, I’m such an idiot.” My words surprisingly come out with a manic laugh that goes against everything I am feeling. The last time I felt this stupid was the day I told Jack’s father I was pregnant. Just the look in his eyes was enough for me to know that I was an idiot to think he cared.
“El, just take a breath.” He now stands a few feet in front of me. I know he wants to come closer. His hands fist at his side, but he holds himself back from stepping closer. I probably should breathe and think about what I’m saying, but every possible future is running through my head and none of them look good.
“Oh, get fucked Liam. I’m going to have to do this by myself while you’re off fucking other women across the states.” My chest is heaving as the venom spews out of me, sounding more like my home accent than usual through the emotion. “Every midnight cry will be me , every nappy and every bottle. It’s all going to be me while you spend your days living your rich and famous life away from us.”
“Is that what you think? That I’m going to be doing anything except wish I was home?” His body becomes stiff, a tension flowing through him, from his feet right up to his clenched jaw. I can see the effect my words have had. I’ve hurt him and it shamefully feels good. There is shock and an ebbing anger in his tone and I feel vindicated in hurting him the way I’m hurting. So he might understand for even a second how it feels when my world is fuelled by pain.
“I don’t know Liam, I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen… but I’m going to have a son and a baby and I’ll have nobody.”
“You have me!” Liam yells. Finally, something is getting to him, he is losing his cool, his hand slices through the air. I want him to feel as untethered as me because of how lost I am in all this. Lost and alone – completely trapped inside my own head.
“No, I don’t. You won’t be here!” I will still be alone , I think.
“Because you won’t let me.” He points down at me alone on the ground, as if it proves his point. His voice is still rife with tension when he spits out more anger. “How can I help you if you just yell at me instead of just telling me what you need like an adult.”
Fuck him for trying to rationalise what I’m feeling. If I could tell him what I need I would, but that isn’t an option because all I know is I need a steady shoulder to lean on.
“I’m scared.” It hurts to say the words. It hurts to admit my world is spinning with no end in sight.
“Scared of what exactly, Sunshine?” he says softly. I don’t know when it happened, but his arms are around me. Liam is sat by my side with one hand steady on the back of my neck pulling me to him.
“Losing you. Being alone!” Finding the words is difficult. Coming from a family like mine meant that emotions were mine to hold, not to share. But suddenly in waltzes Liam, demanding my heart beat for him. “Doing this again wasn’t something I planned on and I will still have to look after Jack and that takes everything in me already without a baby and sleepless nights.”
“I’m not going anywhere, if you aren’t sleeping then neither am I. When the baby wakes you up I will sit with you until they fall back asleep, you need someone to pick up Jack you ask me, ask and I will do anything to make it happen.” He makes it sound so easy but he has not done this before. If I try to wake him every time he will hate me before the baby is even a month old. The season will be starting and he thinks he can win at hockey on zero sleep, he is not invincible.
“What about when you’re away for games, Liam? You can’t promise to be here when your job demands you leave.” I need him to see, to understand how difficult this is going to be.
“Then we hire a part-time nanny for while I’m away if that’s what it takes. I’ll buy a damn jet so you, Jack and the baby can travel with me if you want. You know Lyndsey would love the extra hours.”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure helps give me peace of mind. Without Liam there is no way I could afford a nanny, the thought never crossed my mind.
Before Liam, I couldn’t even think about money as a solution to my fears because every cent I earn goes towards keeping me and Jack fed and housed, frivolous expenses like a jet are not even in my imagination.
As I sit wrapped in his arms, somehow my tears stop falling and it hits me how much better he makes me feel. Even against my own wishes my body feels centred when he holds me.
“Why are you so calm about all of this?” I ask. Through everything over the past three months there has not been a moment where he has wavered. I have been teetering on the edge and Liam has been a pillar of calm and strength that I am fighting to rely on because nobody has ever supported me. Liam doesn’t gain anything from me, he should think I am ruining his life.
“Because you are my family.” There is conviction in his voice and his eyes as he looks deep into my eyes making sure I am hearing what he says: “I have to be strong for you.”
“Do you regret taking me home that night?” I feel him freeze beside me. I didn’t realise it until I said it out loud, but it is one of my biggest fears. I know Liam is here because of his duty as a good man who is about to be a father and not out of love, but I wonder deep down if he would take it all back.
“Never. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done.” His voice has so much conviction that I almost melt into his embrace fully, but my doubts surface anyway.
“But now you’re tied to me forever, you’re going to be out there trying to date as a dad with a baby momma as baggage.” His body shakes against mine slightly, so I pull my head from its resting point against his neck to see him trying to bite back a laugh. I raise my brows at him in question.
“I don’t think about that… besides, being tied to you forever doesn’t sound so bad. Come on Ellis, we aren’t sworn enemies. We have it better than most,” he admits with a kiss to my forehead. That one little kiss, a small sign of affection, pulls together some parts of my shattered soul that lay in shards around us.
“How do you do that?” I ask.
“Do what?” he asks, mimicking our interaction from way back in December.
“Make me want to kiss you,” I say tentatively.
I want him to pull me in, to claim me as his with his lips but he doesn’t. Instead he pulls my cheek against his chest and I hear the quick thumping of his heart against me. The clear rejection stings, but what did I expect? I yell and scream at him and then ask him to kiss me when I have told him I only want a co-parenting relationship. It’s just my hormones talking, it has to be.
“I’m sorry, El,” he begins explaining. “You know I—”
“I get it,” I interrupt him. “I’m overstepping, just ignore me.” I force a smile.
I’m painfully embarrassed. But I can’t let it linger over me like a bad smell. Over the next few days I’ll be entering my second trimester. I worry that if it is anything like last time my libido is about to go through the roof.
Liam can help me with so much, but I wish there was a way that he could help sate that one need for me. I respect his restrain. He’s too gentlemanly to play with a pregnant woman’s emotions.
It’s probably for the best. Getting tangled in the sheets might sound fun, but getting my heart broken by Liam and having to continue to raise a child with him would probably kill me.