Chapter Thirty
Liam
How the fuck do women do this?
It has been two hours since we got to the hospital and every second I am being humbled. I’m not a small man, I have fought giants and had my body beaten a hundred different ways on the ice, but I have never seen anything like this. Ellis is clearly in pain and yet her determination doesn’t waver.
There is sweat pouring down her face, her hair stuck to her bright red forehead and she is doing it all without murdering every person in the room.
If one more person comes and sticks their hand in her without much warning I might hit someone. She is their patient and I know that, but seeing her wince with each cervical check kills me. Knowing we are closer and closer to the big moment when she will start to push, and not being able to take the pain away, is making me feel so incredibly useless.
Still, I stand by her side, patting her face with a damp cloth and holding the mask with the gas for her while she grunts through another contraction.
Ellis is focusing so completely on breathing through the pain that she doesn’t see how hard I am shaking. She is no stranger to pain, but this is more than I could imagine.
I read books and watched documentaries in preparation for this, but I think a little part of my brain thought that all the pain wouldn’t happen to Ellis; that she would push once and the baby would just fly out.
I was delusional but I have my reasons. If I thought hard enough about how much pain she was going to be in I think I would have spiralled. I needed to be a wall of support for Ellis so I couldn’t give in to the idea that she would be suffering and I would be as useful as a chocolate fireman.
Another contraction later they tell us it’s time. Ten centimetres and on the next contraction she is being told to push. Doing what the midwife tells me to, I grip one of Ellis’s thighs in my hand and hold it up against her chest for her so she can focus solely on pushing.
Her face gets even redder as she uses all her energy to bear down with as much force as she can. The pressure looks like it might burst a blood vessel, but I guess the doctors know what they are doing because nobody looks concerned. I can’t help but place light kisses at her temple as she pushes again. The doctors talk about seeing a head but all I can focus on is my Sunshine.
As that contraction passes, Ellis turns her face to me, her face is full of emotion. Pain and determination but there is a softness there still, like having me here brings her comfort no matter how completely useless I feel.
“Liam, I— fuck! ” she yells through the searing pain . “I love you.” She breathes out as another contraction rips through her. Time stops for just a moment. She knows I love her; I have told her a million times in a million different ways, but now she has finally said those words herself. After ten years apart, Ellis Ainsley loves me again.
Before I can process that, the whole room splinters apart as the doctor tells us the head is out, I tell her over and over how much I love her, how proud of her I am as she prepares to push again. A mantra of affection. Ellis pushes again and the room buzzes with the first cry of our baby girl.
Just like that – I’m a dad.
The nurse welcomes her into our world and she marks the time of birth. I let out a watery chuckle. Today will be her birthday, for every year ahead. 1st September.
One of the nurses moves Ellis’s gown out of the way to lay the baby down on her exposed chest. The baby is covered in blood, yet she is beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Every part of her is so much smaller than I could ever imagine as she grunts and cries about being out in the world. Her scrunched face rests against Ellis’s heartbeat as I look at my girls in awe.
Ellis whispers to the baby, private words for just the two of them before the nurse picks her up again, asking me if I want to cut the cord. I try to take in the instructions but all I can think about is making sure I don’t hurt her as I snip it. It’s tougher than I expected, then with all of the expertise that can only come from years of practice the nurse wraps a blanket around the baby before handing her to me to hold.
Everything stops.
I knew I loved her. Of course I did, from the moment I knew Ellis was pregnant I have loved the life we were bringing into the world – but this is beyond anything I could imagine. Every strand of my DNA changes to make room for the love this little girl is bringing into my world. Knowing this baby is part of me tears part of my soul. And I give it to her willingly, it is hers to keep.
My baby, my daughter, my little girl.
I don’t notice the tears until one drops onto the blanket wrapped around her and I let them fall. We cry together as she gets adjusted to the world and I get used to how much my world has grown.
Ellis lies in bed watching us with a smile as I slide onto the bed placing our daughter into her waiting arms. She must sense her mom’s presence because once she settles into Ellis’s arms she calms for the first time since she burst into our world. The pink bundle in her arms looks even smaller than in the nurse’s somehow, each one of her features are tiny and perfect and I can’t wait to show her off.
The three of us sit together basking in the light of our daughter as she falls asleep in her mother’s arms. Ellis shuffles closer to me until we are fully pressed together before she rests her head on my chest, her eyes still glued to the sleeping bundle.
“I meant it, you know?” she whispers, so quietly I’m not sure if she is talking to me or the baby until she nudges my side.
“Meant what?” I ask.
“That I love you.” She looks up at me, skin still shining from sweat looking radiant as ever.
“I love you, too, Ellis Ainsley.” I bring my head down to kiss her lightly, my lips barely skimming hers.
“I think I love her a little bit more though,” she laughs, looking back down again.
“I’m okay with being third on your list,” I tell her honestly, our kids always come first.
“You’re second, Jack and baby are joint first.” She nudges me again harder this time, clearly putting me in my place.
“Second sounds good to me.” And it really does, as long as Ellis loves me, I am on top of the world. “I’m going to ask you to marry me one day.”
“I’m going to say yes.” She winks. I was expecting to see shock at my words, but there isn’t any. She seems settled to know she is a part of my future.
“The Ruinskys, that has a nice ring to it. I want Jack to be one, too,” I tell her. He feels like mine as much as this little girl. Just because he doesn’t share my DNA that does not make him any less my son.
Ellis smiles. “It makes sense,” she says. “You’ll need to ask him first, but I think he’d like that.”
I silently hope he will. It would kill me if he doesn’t feel like a part of this family just because of blood. As I wonder about Jack, now a big brother, we’re interrupted by a nurse with a clipboard coming to check Ellis’s vitals.
“So Mom and Dad, do we have a name?” she asks.
“Charlotte Ruinsky,” we answer together.
A united front.