Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
After my shift, I take a hot shower, but it does nothing to wash away the guilt weighing on me. What’s worse, I can’t deny the connection I felt with Clay. It goes deeper than anything physical.
Since I was home so late, Joshua slept in his room. And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. I haven’t slept a wink, overwhelmed with the gravity of what I’ve done and alone.
I ruined everything.
Just like I thought I would.
Joshua is going to hate me. I hate myself for what I did. I am not one to break promises. And here I am, betraying the one that was made for me. All because I can’t control my feelings for his best friend.
It’s early morning, and I can’t take it anymore. Getting out of bed, I get somewhat ready to go over to their side of the house and tell Joshua what I did.
I pound on the door to their side of the duplex, tears of anger streaming down my face, my frustration directed mostly at myself.
And maybe a bit toward Clay. As I think that, the door swings open, revealing the man himself, disheveled and sleepy-looking, wearing only sweatpants with his bare chest on display.
I’m proud of myself for not getting distracted by his sculpted abs—too furious to feel anything else.
His sleepy eyes widen as he takes in the sight of me. “Kitten, what are you—” I push past him, storming into the house, determined to find Joshua. But as I reach the stairs, Clay grabs my wrist and pulls me back. “What are you doing? Are you okay?” he asks, genuine concern etched across his face.
“I’m going to do what I should have done hours ago and tell him what the hell I did,” I shout, tears streaming down my face.
“What we did, Carolina. We both played a part in it, and we can tell him together, maybe tonight at dinner? After we’ve all had some time to think,” Clay suggests, his voice pleading.
“No! You already convinced me to wait, but I’m not going to drag this out any longer,” I snap, forcefully pulling my wrist out of his grip.
“What’s going on?” Xander’s voice interrupts as he comes down the stairs, wearing nothing but black boxers.
His tattooed, muscular body is on full display, his shoulder-length hair framing his face.
I might have swooned if the situation wasn’t already so messed up.
I bite my lip, crossing my arms over my chest, and avert my gaze to the floor. I’m angry at Clay, but it’s ultimately his decision whether to tell Xander. I won’t betray Clay and ruin their relationship by telling Xander the truth.
“It’s okay. I already told him when I got home,” Clay reassures, reaching out for me.
I take a step back, meeting Xander’s gaze.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper before turning my attention back to Clay, anger boiling within me.
“You told me not to rush into this, not to come here and spill everything, to sleep on it. But you went home and did exactly what I should have?” My voice escalates, and I yell at him in frustration.
“He’s my goddamn boyfriend, Carolina!” Clay shouts back at me.
“And Joshua is mine, but I fucking ruined it!” I yell back, voice breaking.
“Hey, hey, hey. Enough yelling, guys,” Xander scolds, positioning himself between us, attempting to diffuse the tension.
Just then, Joshua comes to the top of the stairs, chest bare, only in his navy sleep pants. He looks adorably sleepy, rubbing his eyes and yawning before he notices me. Instantly, he’s awake, rushing down the stairs to my side, placing a finger under my chin to lift my face, scanning it intently.
“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Why are you crying?” he asks, reaching out with his other hand to wipe away a tear, but I take a step back.
“I messed up,” I admit, a sob escaping me. “I am so sorry.” I lower my gaze, unable to meet his eyes.
“No, it’s all my fault. I couldn’t stay away. She didn’t even want to—” Clay begins, but Xander interrupts him, gripping him by the throat and turning his face to lock eyes with him.
“Did you just say she didn’t want to?” Xander’s tone is icy.
“No, fuck! Stop it, Clay. Of course, I wanted to. That’s the whole fucking problem!” I yell, my frustration peaking, and Xander releases Clay.
I turn my gaze to Joshua, who looks at me with furrowed brows. “Can we please talk? Alone?” I ask, my voice trembling.
His expression softens, and he motions toward the stairs. “Let’s go upstairs.”
In heavy silence, we head upstairs, and my heart sinks with each step. I don’t know if Joshua is too sleepy to understand the gravity of what is about to unfold because he simply holds my hand tenderly like he always does. It only makes this harder.
We enter his room, and he closes the door behind me before he returns to his bed, opening the covers and inviting me to join him.
“Joshua, we really need to talk. I fucked up,” I whisper, struggling to hold back my tears as they stream down my face.
“We can talk, but right now, what I need more than anything is to hold you,” he insists, his voice filled with warmth. “Come here.”
“But once you know what I’ve done, you won’t even want to be near me anymore,” I protest, wringing my hands.
“I highly doubt that. Come here,” Joshua repeats, his tone gentle yet firm.
“We’re going to argue, and it’s hard to argue while we’re cuddling,” I state.
“We’re not going to argue. We’re going to talk things out, and that works best while cuddling. Now bring your beautiful butt over here and let me hold you,” he insists with a hint of amusement.
A laugh escapes me, followed by a sniffle, and I comply, climbing onto the bed and slipping under the covers. He pulls me into his side, pressing a soft kiss to my temple. “My Carolina, what makes you hurt so much?” he whispers.
“That I hurt you, that I messed up. I promised you I wouldn’t do anything, and yet… I had sex with Clay last night,” I confess, my voice heavy with regret, my heart squeezing.
Joshua hums softly against my hair, pulling me even closer. “Are you going to leave me for him?” he asks, his voice calm and gentle.
I lean back, my eyes widening in shock. “What? You should be the one leaving me!”
“That wasn’t the question,” he replies, pushing a strand of hair away from my face. “Are you going to leave me to be with him?”
“No, never. I love you,” I whisper, tears streaming down my face once more.
He strokes my cheek tenderly. “And do you love him in the same way you love me?”
I bite my lip, lowering my gaze, but after a moment, I nod. “I do,” I admit, the tears a river as my breath catches on a sob.
“And what about Xander? Do you love him the same way you love Clay and me?” he asks gently.
A sob escapes me. “I’m so sorry,” I manage to say through tears.
“Shh… shh… Carolina,” he murmurs, pulling me close and kissing my forehead. “That’s the right answer. I already told you I’m open to trying this with all of us. I told you I want you to explore what might be between you guys.”
“I promised you it would only be us, and I broke that promise,” I whisper, my voice filled with guilt.
He chuckles softly, his laughter filled with tenderness. “You never had a chance of keeping that promise. Clay is a persistent asshole, and Xander devours you with his gaze. I’m surprised it took this long.”
“How can you be so calm about this?” I ask him, bewildered.
He shrugs. “I wasn’t at first. I was goddamn furious when I found out while you were in the hospital. To be honest, our friendship nearly went to hell because we all fell for the same amazing woman, and I didn’t want to accept that,” he confesses, his voice tinged with regret.
As he strokes my cheek, his touch soothing, he continues, “But I had time to think about it, and we talked…” He trails off, a momentary pause as he gathers his thoughts.
“I guess I was worried they would take you away from me. I was afraid of losing you. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I was scared that Clay and Xander would swoop in and steal you away.
I know they are both much more fun and experienced than I am. ”
“Joshua, Dio, no, that’s not true. I—” I begin, but he interrupts me with a peck on the lips.
“I can be insecure too, you know.” He smiles at me, and it isn’t forced.
It’s genuine and full of love. “All I want is for you to be as happy as possible, Carolina. As long as I can be by your side while you’re happy, I am happy too.
Don’t promise me it will be us only. Promise me that it will be us forever,” he whispers against my lips, and I lean in to kiss him.
“Forever,” I whisper.
“Always,” he whispers back.