Chapter 26
TWENTY-SIX
“Sit down,” Xander tells me from the couch while I walk in circles behind him, pacing, my nerves getting the better of me.
“I am never going to forgive myself if I ruined this for her,” I declare, pulling at my hair.
“You didn’t, and you know it. Josh is in. He told us that,” he insists, his tone void of any hints of emotion.
“He said it had to come from her, and I am not quite sure he is a hundred percent good with it. He only promised to try. Who knows what he thinks now that I fucked up again.” I urge, very aware that I did anything other than let her come onto me.
“It would have happened. You just sped it up a bit because you are impatient. That fact is not news to any of us,” Xander grunts out.
“Hey,” I object, stopping midstep.
“Come here,” he beckons, patting the couch beside him, and I comply. He takes my hand, stroking the back of it. “I can’t take your pacing anymore. It is going to be okay.” I nod, not really reassured. “What?” he asks. “What did you not tell me?”
Fuck, he knows me way too well.
“I didn’t use protection.”
He stares at me for a second, not blinking, then he shoots to his feet and explodes.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Clay? Not only did you not give a fuck about our agreement, about how I would feel when you came home and told me, that you just took matters into your own hands, but you couldn’t even keep your head straight long enough to grab one of the many condoms we stash in our drawer?
” His voice rises with each accusation. “Oh no, you couldn’t do that, right?
Because then you would have needed to get into our bedroom, where I was sleeping.
Because chances are you would have woken me up and wouldn’t be able to go there on your own to fuck her behind my back. ”
His words hit me like a dagger in my chest. A mixture of desperation and remorse fills me, and I try to find the right words to explain myself.
“Babe, it wasn’t like that. She’s not part of our arrangement.
You see that, right? She doesn’t count because she should be an equal in our relationship.
We both should have our own relationship with her outside of ours.
I just… I couldn’t stay away any longer.
I didn’t even think about how it might hurt you.
I couldn’t see that because I was so out of my mind. ”
Xander’s expression remains stern, his hurt palpable as he replies, “Exactly, Clay. You didn’t even think about me at all.”
The weight of my actions hangs heavily in the air, and I’m left grappling with the consequences of my impulsive choices.
“You are right. We should have had this conversation before I did anything in the first place,” is all I manage to say, my voice just above a whisper, my eyes brimming with tears.
How come I can’t seem to stop fucking up all the fucking time?
Xander’s anger doesn’t dissipate entirely, but he relents a little, his expression becoming less accusatory.
“Love, you need to understand how much this hurt me. We need to communicate better, especially when it involves someone we both care about. I need to know that you’ll consider my feelings in the future. ”
Remorse weighs heavy on me as I absorb Xander’s words. I need to stop hurting the person I love so deeply, just because I am not thinking.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, my voice trembling with regret.
“I messed up, big time, again. I should have thought about you, about us, before I acted so recklessly. I know I hurt you, and I hate myself for it.” I gently touch Xander’s arm, seeking some form of physical connection.
Thankfully, he doesn’t resist. “I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, that I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.
I’ll work on being more considerate, communicating better, and respecting your boundaries.
You mean everything to me, and I never want to hurt you like this again. ”
After a tense moment of silence, Xander lets out a long sigh, his anger and resentment starting to wane. He finally speaks, his voice softer but still tinged with hurt. “Well, at least we know we are clean. Josh is too. And since she was a virgin—”
My mind is reeling from the sudden shift in the conversation, but I know Xander well enough to understand that he values actions over words, especially when we’re fighting.
I will have to make it up to him by demonstrating how truly sorry I am and consistently considering his feelings in everything I do, which isn’t a hardship.
I love this man more than life.
Taking the out he gives me, I admit, “That’s not what bothers me.”
He nods, his now calm demeanor almost unsettling.
“Seems like you need to talk about a lot with Carolina too. We take it as it comes. It is what it is.” He shoots me a look, and his words carry a mixture of exasperation and affection.
“I learned to go with the punches since my boyfriend is not the smartest.”
“I am smart. I just do stupid shit,” I mumble, pulling my shoulders to my ears in the form of a defeated shrug.
“Honestly, love, I want to drape you over my lap and spank your perfect ass raw for that stupid-ass behavior. Next time, for the love of God, wake me up when you have such an amazing idea. At least then I could watch you continue to set our life on fire.”
I deserve the only half-joking teasing, but just as I am about to apologize to him once more, Josh and Carolina come into the living room, hand in hand.
“And? Are you guys okay? Could you talk it out?” I ask, unable to hold back.
Joshua smiles, kissing her temple. “More than okay.”
“Okay, that’s good,” I mutter, my stomach falls with disappointment.
I am really happy that I did not ruin their relationship, but losing her hurts. I squeeze Xander’s hand to keep myself from crying.
“Carolina, tell our boy that he hasn’t lost you. I can’t take this anymore,” Xander tells her.
She looks up at Joshua, who then leans down to gently peck her lips. “Always,” he reassures her, his words carrying a promise that soothes the tension in the room.
She makes her way over to me and pushes my shoulders back, and I sit straight on the couch, anticipation coursing through me. My free hand instinctively grabs her waist when she moves to straddle my lap. Hope flares inside me as she takes my face in both hands, locking her gaze with mine.
In a soft whisper, she admits, “I am in love with a fucking idiot,” before leaning in to kiss me. The butterflies in my stomach erupt in a flutter of excitement and relief.
Xander lets go of my hand, so I take her face in my hands too. We break the kiss, and I can’t help but chuckle, pure joy coursing through me after the agony I felt just minutes ago.
Leaning my forehead against hers, I whisper, “I love you too, my little ray of pitch black,” bringing her lips back to mine.
Something clicks into place when I see them kissing. I can nearly feel the anxiety falling away from Clay—everything he has carried around with him for the past few weeks.
Everything that weighed heavily on me, too, since his struggles are mine.
I have to agree with Carolina. He is a fucking idiot, but he is our fucking idiot. I know he would never hurt me on purpose. He is not like that. He just doesn’t think too much before he acts. He is impulsive, and I love that about him. I would just have loved a warning beforehand this time.
I was well aware that it was going to happen, that they would have sex without me present. Clay is right. She is not part of this agreement. There is no agreement anymore. There is her, and there is him. I will not touch anybody else ever again.
Maybe some of the hurt comes from being jealous about how far their relationship has already developed while I am still firmly in the friend zone with her. I told him I wanted to start this slow, to enjoy the tension. But what if…
… what if she doesn’t feel the same and just wants to be with Clay and Josh?
I gaze over to Carolina and Clay, and I can’t help but smile. I look up at Josh, seeing him smile at them too.
A feeling of rightness settles in, and I know we will be okay.
This is going to work out, and it will be the best thing that ever happened to us. She is the best thing that ever happened to all of us.
They break the kiss, and Clay pulls her to him, hugging her tightly. He turns his head to me, insecurity in his eyes, but I smile at him, reaching out to squeeze his knee, and the worry evaporates from his face.
“I am going to get ready for work,” I declare, standing.
Carolina turns her head to look at me, quickly giving Clay a peck on the lips as she stands as well. “How much time do I have?”
“You can skip today. I bet you haven’t slept much,” I tell her.
“I am coming. Ten minutes, okay?” she asks, pecking Josh on the lips before she leaves our side of the house to get ready.
Clay stands and squeezes my shoulder. “You’ll get your goodbye kiss soon too, babe,” he tries to reassure me.
I grab his neck and pull him to me. “Oh, don’t be so smug now, brat. Five minutes ago, you were thinking the world was going to end.”
“That was five minutes ago,” he retorts, his eyes sparkling with joy. “And she told me she loves me.” He beams up at me, his happiness contagious and impossible to resist.
I let out an exaggerated huff, my lips curling into a smile. “And you call me a drama queen,” I quip before leaning in to kiss him. “I love seeing you happy, light of my life,” I murmur against his lips.
“And I love you, love of mine,” he whispers back.
“This isn’t the way to the studio,” Carolina states when I pull onto the street she lived on with her abuser.
“I know,” is all I offer in response.
She begins to fidget, her growing nervousness apparent. When I stop in front of her apartment building and turn off the engine, I can almost hear her heart pounding in the quiet car.
“What’s going on?” she asks in a hushed tone.