Chapter Seventeen
Then
Jasper
“Did Avery have a good time?” my dad asks as soon as I walk into the office.
I smile to myself, thinking about the awesome night Avery and I had for her birthday.
Waking up that next morning after we’d finally had sex was unreal.
She is perfect, and I love her so much. I didn’t think I could get more protective over her, but I have.
I’ve only slept with a handful of girls before her—none were virgins, but the way Avery’s body is made for mine is un-fucking-believable.
“She loved it,” I tell him, leaving out the intimacy part, although I’m sure he knows. I slink into my office chair, just returning from an early morning lesson. I haven’t seen my dad since Avery’s birthday dinner. “I thought she wasn’t going to go through with the tattoo, but she did.”
“Hmm. Good for her.”
“We ended up getting the same ones.”
“Tattoos?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I tell him, smiling.
“That’s great, Son,” he says, but there is apprehension behind his words.
I spin back around to him. “Is everything alright?”
He rubs his chin and sighs.
I clasp my hands together to lap and wheel my chair over to him. “What’s up, Dad? Something is bothering you.”
“Have you both thought about what will happen when she returns to Arizona for college?” He comes right out and forces me to acknowledge that this bubble we’re living in won’t last forever.
I flex my shoulders with irritation. He’s only bringing up the inevitable. I wanted to live in the moment a few weeks ago and not think about how the summer would end, but things have changed between us.
“Arizona is only a couple hours’ flight away,” I counter.
My dad’s eyebrows raise. “Alright, okay, so this is serious.”
“I’m in love with her.” I look him in the eyes, showing how serious I am about Avery.
“She’s a special one, isn’t she?” he points out with concern.
I nod with a smile. “Yeah.”
“How is the new medication coming along?” He immediately goes into the real reason why he’s worried about Avery and me getting so close.
After sinking into another episode two weeks ago, he convinced me to get back on medications. It wasn’t the right one.
“I need to try a new one,” I admit, knowing I’ve already stopped taking it. “It makes me feel anxious and gives me insomnia.”
“That’s a drag. Well, back to the doctor to try another one, then?”
“I know. I’ll make an appointment this week,” I agree, but I’m pissed.
I’m angry I have to live with this condition. The new medication did give me a small amount of relief. Enough to enjoy Avery’s birthday, but I feel the heaviness banging at the back door of my thoughts daily. It’s always there, waiting for something to break me down and let it in.
“I took Avery to Joe’s beach house,” I tell him, lightening the mood.
“Yeah, buddy.” He smiles. “And what did she think?”
“She loved it.” I fold one leg over the other.
“I’m so proud of you, but still a little hurt that you won’t live with me anymore,” he teases, tossing a hanger from his desk into the hanger collection bin.
“You’ll get over it,” I retort. “I can’t live with you forever.”
“I thought we were going to be roommates for life.” He leans over and slaps my knee.
“Look”—I rub my chin—“when you’re too old to wipe your own ass, I’ll let you move in with me.”
“Fuck you,” he spits, waving me off and turning back toward his computer.
I spend the rest of the day at the shop, reviewing orders, staff questions, and scheduling. Even though numbness always floats below the surface, it still lingers by late afternoon. I miss Avery.
I finish a few last things and text her that I’m heading out for the day.
Me: What are you up to?
Arizona: I just got off work. Helen and I are having lemonade on the patio.
Me: I’m getting off soon. Do you want to meet me at my house? Or should I come over there?
Arizona: I’ll come over to you. I like the way your bed smells.
Me: My sheets smell like you.
Arizona: I like it that way.
Me: Me too.
Me: See you in 30 minutes?
Arizona: I’ll be there!
After reading her last text, my dick is already jumping inside my pants. If anything can get rid of this cloud, it’s sinking deep into her. She’s the light of my life and the only thing keeping these depressive episodes away.
I pull up to my house a short time later. A smile tugs on the corner of my lips when I turn onto the sloped street where her car is already there. Anxiously, I park in the two-car garage and then hop out. By the time I make it to the driveway, she’s already walking up.
“Damn, I missed you,” I moan, gliding my fingertips along her bare sides. “The loose strings on these bikinis fall off so easily.”
She giggles. “I wore it in case you wanted to get in the water.”
Yanking her into me, I bury my face in her neck. The smell of her coconut shampoo is heavenly. “You know I always like to get into the water.”
She wiggles out of my embrace and slides her hand into mine. “Let’s go inside.”
“Whatever you want,” I say, leading her through the garage door.
“Where is your dad?”
I kick off my shoes while leading her upstairs to my bedroom. “He’s at an event at the house next door.”
“When will he be back?” she asks coyly, hot on my heels.
I turn to face her, opening my door from behind. “Not until late tonight.”
Avery raises her tippy toes, meeting my lips. She nibbles on my bottom lip, and I instantly stand at attention, tenting my board shorts. “I’m going to go to the bathroom.” Her eyes dart to my pants. “Be right back.”
Damn, I love how she plays. “I’ll be waiting.”
She skips into the attached bathroom in my bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
My body is heated. I can’t wait to be with her again. Hopefully, I won’t have to go slow this time. The animalistic urge she brings out of me is new and exciting. I fall onto my bed, eagerly waiting for her to return.
Avery steps out of my bathroom with a sad look on her face.
I feel a deep furrow in my brows. “Are you okay?”
She lets out a deep sigh. “Jasper, I don’t want you to think I’m checking in on you or overstepping in any way,” she begins, sitting on the side of my bed. What happened in the bathroom? Did she find something? I’m clean, and I don’t think I left a mess. “But I love you.” She avoids eye contact.
“What’s wrong?” I press, resting a hand on her bent knee.
“Are you not taking your new medication?”
Fuck. I exhale in frustration. Avery shouldn’t worry about that. It’s my problem. “That’s not something you have to worry about,” I reassure her, tucking loose hair in her face behind her ear.
Avery’s posture stiffens. “It’s my problem too. I care for you and have seen firsthand what happens when you don’t take your meds.”
I shift myself away, planting both feet on the floor. “I appreciate it, but have it handled.”
“Then why haven’t you answered my question?” she challenges.
“What question?”
“Are you not taking your medication?” Her tone is clipped this time. She wants an answer and deserves respect enough for me, to be honest. “I found the full bottle in your trash can.”
Resting my elbows on my knees, I lay my head in my hands. “I’m not taking it.”
“Why?” she asks a little softer.
“I didn’t like the way it made me feel,” I painfully admit. God, I hate being this vulnerable. I’m the one who’s supposed to be protecting her, and here I am, an incomplete person.
“But you like the way the depression makes you feel?” she retorts, scooting closer.
“No. I fucking hate it. I hate that I have to live with this when so many other people get to go on with their lives without a grey cloud looming over them on a daily basis.” I rise to my feet.
I’m not prepared to talk to her about my struggles—or anyone for that matter—but I love Avery. I need to be open with her.
She rests her head on my shoulder. “Tell me what it’s like.”
Wrapping an arm around her, I bring her down on top of me. She tucks herself into the crook under it while we stare at the revolving banana leaf ceiling fan above us.
“You don’t want to know.”
She faces me fully, her lips set in a hard line, proving she won’t let this go easily.
“What do you want to know?” I give in. I envisioned spending the afternoon with fewer clothes, but at least I’m with her.
“Everything.” She caresses the side of my stomach with her fingertips. “Anything you’re comfortable sharing.”
Rubbing my forehead, I try to find the words to begin. How do I explain to another person what depression is like? Especially if they don’t have it themselves.
“I don’t always remember what it feels like when I’m not in it, but I know it’s bad.” Avery lays still and silent next to me. “Sometimes, there’s a trigger, but not always.” Running a hand down my face, I struggle with an explanation.
How do I tell her it starts slow, eventually morphing into not wanting to get up in the morning and intrusive thoughts like, What if I wasn’t here?
I can’t tell anyone those things, let alone Avery.
She’d freak out and think I am broken, unworthy of her love.
Thoughts like that aren’t meant to leave the safety of my head.
“Sometimes you don’t even get a warning?” she asks. “How are you supposed to live through it?”
“It’s just a part of who I am. I’ve learned to deal with it,” I reply. It’s honest and raw but the truth.
My eyes dart around my bedroom, a space that’s become a sanctuary during particularly rough episodes.
“Most of the time, I can put on a mask with a fake smile and act like nothing is wrong when, on the inside, a powerful war is raging between how long this will last and whether I will ever feel like myself again.”
“I had no idea.” Her words come out breathy. The painful realization of my flaws is apparent. The last thing I want is for her to pity me, but there’s also this belief that if she loves me, she will love all the parts of me—even the darker sides.
“I don’t tell people about it, Arizona,” I say. The worst part is the heavy feeling of loneliness—being with someone you love but not being able to love them at that moment. “I’m telling you because I love you, but not even the guys know.”
“I appreciate you trusting me.” Avery nestles her nose into my cheek. “I love you so much and want to be there for you in any way I can.”
“Thank you, but depression is an invisible battle which, most of the time, can’t be helped by others.” I roll over, bringing my arm around the top of her. Lightly pressing into her back, I nudge her closer.
“Do they last a long time?” She sniffs, her nose leaking.
“It depends. Some episodes are worse than others. Sometimes, they bring a physical weight, like being pressed on my chest and shoulders.” My body feels the sensation now as I recount some aspects of it.
Swallowing a cotton ball in my throat, I attempt to clear it before continuing, “Other times, it’s not the physical sensation, but the mental ones that are tough.
While pushing through, I wonder if I’ll ever get through it or be able to gasp a full breath again.
But just as quickly as the wave comes, it moves over me, passing by, and then life is what it should be once again. ”
Avery props herself on one elbow. With an expression of empathy, she leans over me and kisses me.
“I love you. And you are not alone in this,” she mumbles into my lips.
The love I feel for her is unexpected. I’m only nineteen, and I worry about whether it’s typical to have intense feelings toward someone like this.
I bring my free hand to the back of her head and gently push her to deepen our kiss. She falls into me, lifting herself to straddle my torso.
I dart my tongue inside her mouth and swirl it around before diving into the back of her throat, craving to be further inside her. Avery is my lifeline. We remain connected until I feel her giggles rumble inside my chest.
“Jasper!” She laughs, flipping her hair around. I stare into her beautifully hazel-green eyes, which always seem to have more green in them than brown.
“Take your swimsuit off,” I growl.
She licks her lips, her cheeks turning crimson. “You didn’t say please.”
“Please …” I groan, licking her nose. “Take …” I bring my mouth to her neck, sucking hard. “Your swimsuit …” Bite. “Off.”
Maybe we can turn this afternoon around after all.