Chapter 15 Hope
HOPE
My phone vibrates beside my head, waking me up from a deep sleep.
I rub my eyes and pick it up.
What I see makes me sit up.
Heath is calling me in the middle of the night. Something he’s never done before.
I listen closely at the quietness that clings to the darkness in the house.
Mom and Dad are sleeping downstairs in their room.
Things seem to be okay between them, like the weekend or the fights they’ve had never happened.
How my parents sweep the mess under the rug and go on with their lives surprises me.
They don’t talk, but when they do, a fight happens and Mom gets hurt and later she forgives him.
The cycle repeats itself everyday, confusing me.
The call ends, and I curse myself for not picking it up.
My eyes waver to the door. I don’t think my parents are up and standing outside my door right now. If they were I’d know. The creaky floorboards give them away.
I dial Heath’s number and press the phone to my ear.
The erratic, little heartbeats echo in my ear.
I’ve never talked to him over phone before.
“Rose,” his voice crisp and low pours heat into me.
Just my name. He only speaks my name and I melt like ice under sun.
“Heath,” I whisper, my voice all shaky and breathy.
Where is all the oxygen in the room?
“You said my name. I don’t hear it quite often from your lips.” The hint of smile rings high in his words. I don’t need to see him to know that a grin is on his lips.
From the depths of me, I pull courage. “Should I say it more?”
“Fuck, yes.”
I smile hard. “Then I will.”
“You can start right now.”
My confidence bubble bursts. “R-right now?”
“Yes.”
I gulp hard.
Saying his name shouldn’t be this difficult. It’s only five letters. One word.
I open my mouth to say his name, but no voice comes out.
A long moment passes between us, as I fidget with the ends of my sweatshirt.
“Say it, Rose,” Heath says.
I should. I really should.
It certainly wasn’t a problem before. I never got so nervous or felt tingles exploding like fireworks inside of me.
But now that my feelings for him have grown, every single thing tied to him means something.
“I’m trying to,” I reply.
“How about you come out and say it to my face?”
I freeze. “What?”
“I’m parked a few houses down your house.”
“Why?”
Silence extends on the line, then his next words break it. “Because I need you.”
Because I need you.
Heath needs me.
No one has ever needed me before. Especially Heath. I’m the one who’s always needed him and he’s always been there for me. He’s seen me cry, have a panic attack and shake in fear, and he stayed. He alway stayed. And being with him made me feel better.
“I know you can’t come and meet me. I know it’s fucking late. I know you’ll get into serious trouble. I know all of that. Fuck!” His heavy breaths are like stones hitting me in the chest. “But I need you right now.”
“Is everything okay?” Worry digs its claws into my chest. “Did something happen?”
He doesn’t say a word.
I get the hint that something is wrong. “I’m coming to you. Give me five minutes.”
“Okay.”
Quickly, I change into a neat pair of sweatshirt and sweatpants. Putting on my converse, I grab my phone and book.
My parents don’t know the floorboards but I do.
In the past months, I’ve learned which nooks and corners creak and which don’t.
With the stealth of a ninja, I get downstairs, and then outside.
I make sure I have the key with me so I can let myself in the morning.
Hopefully, they won’t notice my absence.
No one comes to wake me up. My alarm does the job, so the only thing I need to worry about is sneaking inside without them knowing.
Cold wind brushes past me and makes my bones shake. It’s late October and winter is around the corner. I’m excited about the chilly mornings, warm drinks and bundling up in scarves while watching my breath curl into the frosty air like little clouds. Autumn is my favourite season, but so is winter.
I tread down the empty road and spot a black car. Heath is leaned against it and looking up at the sky with a grave expression on his face.
I’m a couple feet away from him, but I don’t have to be close to him to realize that something about him is different tonight.
The sound of my footsteps makes his head turns in my direction. He abandons his spot and eliminates the distance between us. In a matter of seconds, he’s right in front of me and my personal space fills with the scent of his cologne.
I open my mouth to greet him but his lips shut it. He kisses me with a desperation that makes my body weak. It’s a miracle how I’m standing and not on the floor in a puddle.
Heath frames my hands in his hands as he kisses me longer and harder, setting my whole body on fire. The chillness in the night no longer affecting me, because I’m burning.
Only when my lips go numb, he pulls back and leans his head against mine.
“You’re here,” he whispers. His hot breath fans over my skin.
“I’m here.” I press my hands against his chest. Through the black hoodie, I feel his heart picking up pace. “We should leave before anyone sees us.”
He hums in response, but makes no move.
I tug on his hoodie and he slips his hands off my face and strides towards his car.
Opening the door for me, he helps me inside and then joins me.
I keep looking back and only once we leave my neighborhood, I let out a breath of relief.
“I’ll get you home soon,” he adds and then gets quiet.
Leaning my head against the headrest, I study his side profile.
His sharp jaw is set in a line as if he’s tightly pressed his molars together.
His eyes are fixed on the road and tonight there’s an edge in them.
They remind of icy waters in the North. So cold that they’d cut you in half.
I’ve never seen this look on him before.
Annoyance, fury and softness are a few emotions that I’ve seen and come to like, but this new look worries me.
His knuckles turn white around the steering wheel.
I fidget with my fingers in my lap as I let him drive me to his secret spot.
Ten minutes later, we’re parked on the cliff. The whole town sleeps below us with only a few lights on. A quiet hangs in the air as if the whole world is resting and we’re the only ones awake.
We both sit in the car in uncomfortable silence and it gnaws me. The silence before has never bothered me. Even without asking I know something is on his mind.
Because I need you.
Something isn’t right.
“What are we doing here?”
Heath keeps staring out the window. It’s so dark outside you can hardly make out anything.
A minutes passes and he doesn’t answer and I start growing anxious.
“Did something happen?”
Heath releases a long breath before facing me. His eyes hold a distant look and his face is stern, no emotion flickering over. “My parents are home. I don’t know how to deal with that.”
The topic doesn’t surprise me one bit. In all the time I’ve known him, he’s told me so little how these people brought him into this world. I don’t know how they look like or what they are like. And I suppose it’s the same with Heath. These people are literal strangers to him.
“What do you feel for them?” I ask.
“Anger. There’s so much anger inside of me for them that I don’t know what to do with it.
Whenever I see them or talk to them all I can remember is that they are the reason for my sister’s death.
Maybe if they were here and kept an eye on us we would’ve been able to save her.
” He quietly adds, “But they weren’t and she’s not here anymore. ”
This is the first time he’s openly talking to me about them, and I’m understanding why he hates them. Still, I don’t know what to say.
My parents are present in my life and that hasn’t ended well.
“You once asked me what my parents are like? I wonder about that too. I know nothing about them. They are complete strangers to me.” He smiles bitterly. “And now I have to live with them and they are everywhere in the house.”
“You hate that too?”
“What”
“That they are everywhere?”
“I do. The other night I came in late because I was at the underground and Mom was waiting up for me. It was strange to see her in the living room. I’ve never had someone do that for me before.
It was past midnight and she needed sleep.
You should see her, she’s thin and weak.
I don’t know why the fuck she thought it was a good idea to wait for me. ”
Heath says he hates it, but the way his voice raises in worry tells me that maybe he cares about them. Even when it’s only a little bit.
“Every morning she wakes up early and prepares breakfast knowing I only drink protein shake,” he grumbles. “She also follows me around which fucking annoys me.”
I bite my lower lip to not smile at that. “What about your Dad?”
He frowns. “He isn’t like my mother. He doesn’t hover over me, but I find him always watching me. He knows when I leave and come back. And I know he knows stuff about me.”
“You said they are planning to stay. It seems to me that they want to know you.”
He chuckles dryly. “It’s too fucking late.”
“Are you afraid that they are going to leave again?”
A muscle in his jaw ticks. His eyes go cold.
“There’s more to it, Hope. It’s not just that they left. It’s also that they didn’t visit, called, or checked up on me for years. They abandoned us and now suddenly they want to make up for it.” He hisses. “Broken things don’t get mended.”
My heart breaks for him. “I’m sorry.”
He deflates. “Me too for having such shitty parents.”
“You’re not alone. Mine are the same.”
His gaze softens. “I’m sorry.”
I nod. Shitty is an understatement for the damage my parents have done to me. I feel like I’m not the same person anymore. Something fundamentally has changed within me. I have no idea what pieces of me I’ve lost or if I’ll ever get those back.