16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
Tyler
T wo weeks. She’d been living here for two weeks, and it was going…well. Better than well, actually. We’d fallen into an easy routine of work and sex and sleep. I’d worried our lives might not fit together. But she’d slid as seamlessly into mine as I’d slid into hers.
My family had all met her, and while none of them were enthusiastic about the arrangement, they were polite and kind to Mia. When we left my mother’s house after a big family dinner, Mia turned to me with a wistful smile and said it was no wonder I was such a good guy when I grew up surrounded by all of that.
The moment had been bittersweet. I hated to realize she didn’t have anything remotely close. Her mother was her only family, and Laura wasn’t fully present in their mother-daughter relationship. At least, not in the right way. It wasn’t my place to say anything, but keeping quiet was getting harder and harder.
So, today, I was determined to make her feel special. After all, it was her birthday. Twenty-one.
I gazed toward the front counter of Kathy’s Café, the small establishment in town that made the best caffeinated drinks. All of the pastel tones gave the place a calm, rustic vibe. Mia liked the sparkling mint-lime iced tea the café sold, and I’d made a bulk order for her surprise party. Twenty-one surprises for her twenty-first birthday.
Last night, I hid some of her favorite things around the house once she left my room. She never slept beside me. I tried not to let the arrangement bother me, tried to remember she was skittish. Tried to decide how far I wanted to nudge her to draw us closer together.
Since she wasn’t really showing, other than looking as though she’d put on a few pounds, I hadn’t been sure how big the surprise party should be. In the end, I decided on smaller instead of bigger, and only invited people Mia trusted. The baby news needed to be under wraps, and she was so much more relaxed around people who knew everything. So, I hadn’t invited her mother, and I still wasn’t sure if I’d made the right choice.
She rarely talked about Laura, but once or twice, I caught her scrolling through photos of the two of them on her phone. Maybe if I were a better man, I’d try to bridge that gap, but I preferred it to expand. Could Mia ever give up on her mother and the life they built together? Any time the topic came up, she said her time in Little Falls was a break from her mother, not a breakup. The distance was for the baby, no other reason.
At the counter, Sabrina Kim fumbled through ringing up my order and then disappeared into the back to get the industrial-sized containers I’d ordered.
“That’s a lot of sparkling mint-lime iced tea,” a wry female voice commented from behind.
I stiffened and then half-turned to see Katie. Of course, I’d known people were waiting in line, but I’d been so deep in thought about Mia and her party, I hadn’t looked around since I’d arrived. “Who can resist that combination? ”
She pushed her purse further onto her shoulder in a move that was both familiar and foreign. Eight years . She moved out of the house we shared and across the country to some lateral nursing position, as far as I could tell, on a whim. Poof. Bags packed. Gone.
“I’ve never tried it. You’d recommend it?” That hesitant smile tugged at her lips.
Out of my pocket, I produced a lollipop and carefully removed the wrapper, focusing on the crinkling plastic. “It’s Mia’s favorite. Today’s her birthday.”
“Oh.” Katie rocked back. “Of course. Right.”
“I—” I took a deep breath and glanced toward the counter, wishing Sabrina would be faster. “I’m sorry about some of the things Mia has said to you and your dad.”
She avoided meeting my gaze and shrugged her shoulders. “She’s young. Clearly, a bit insecure.” After a beat she said, “Did you enjoy being on her tour? You always had big plans. I was sad to see you didn’t follow through on those.”
My jaw tightened involuntarily, and I slipped the lollipop into my cheek, hoping to ease the tension. “It was good, yeah. As for the other stuff, I’ve got my shop.”
“Eight years ago, the shop was a compromise.”
I shook my head and scanned the café to see who was watching and listening to our exchange. The last thing I wanted was for a chance meeting to get back to Mia on her birthday. “You know it was. And then, it became my life.”
Sabrina banged back through the swinging doors, an enormous plastic container dangling from each arm. “Why are these so heavy?” She complained coming around the counter. “Be careful. They’re so heavy, Tyler.”
With my head low, I concealed my smile as I picked them up easily. Katie’s eyes were on me as my muscles flexed with the weight.
“Can we—could we maybe get coffee sometime? Either while Mia’s here or once she’s gone?” Her expression was hopeful.
I suppressed a sigh as I stared into her light-brown eyes. They’d always tugged at something deep inside, and I wished this moment was different. But the vulnerability I saw in her made me want to agree to coffee at least.
As though sensing my weakness, she added, “To catch up. As friends.”
“I’ll let you know.” Denying her outright was harsh, and maybe when Mia left, I’d need some kind of distraction from the fallout. Who knew? Rehashing the past might not be such a grenade in a few months. Maybe the conversation would be a balm.
“I hope she loves whatever you’ve got planned. You always arranged the best surprises.” She averted her gaze and stepped up to the register before I could muster a response.
Emily and my mother, Joanna, were filling up balloons with the helium tank and trying to wrestle them into groups while Amir, Emily’s son, sucked in gas from a stray balloon and sang to the playlist I’d created just for the party. Twenty-one of Mia’s favorite artists and songs.
Her passion for music was one of the things I loved about her. Any time I could get her talking about what songs, songwriters, or musicians she loved, I was guaranteed an education. She lit up. Creating the playlist had been a no-brainer, and since I paid attention the last couple months about which songs and artists she never tired of hearing, the hardest part had been narrowing it down to twenty-one.
“You’re quiet,” Emily commented while she passed another balloon to our mother to tie.
“I’m mulling something over.”
“Something Mia-related? You two seem like you’ve gotten close. The Pretty Boy nickname the other night got quite a laugh. Why do you call her Mini?”
“Long story.” Some things I wanted to keep sacred, and those nicknames were meant for just us.
“I hate when you get like this,” Emily said.
“Like what?” I’d been staring at the wooden island and lifted my gaze to meet hers.
“All broody and introspective. You’re so much more fun when you’re being a communicator.”
“That’s because you like gossip.”
“That’s true!” My mother chimed in. “I do, too. So, tell us what you’re mulling over.”
“I saw Katie at the café when I was getting the iced tea.” I pressed my fingers into the smooth surface of the island.
“She’s basically your personal nurse for the baby, right? You’ve seen her a few times. Why would seeing her at the café make you introspective?”
“She wants to have coffee. It’s not the first time she mentioned meeting, but I didn’t outright turn her down this time.”
“That ship sailed, Tyler.” My mother tsked and tied another balloon .
“Yes, Mother. I’m aware the ship sailed across the country eight years ago. I just can’t figure out why she’s back and why she’s so keen to reconnect.”
“Regret,” Emily said in a sing-song voice. “Romantic regret is the worst. It feels like you’ve totally screwed up your life.”
“How would you know that?” I raised my eyebrows.
“Don’t you remember how crazy she was about Terrence?” Mom tipped her head in Emily’s direction.
“High school Terrence?”
“First love, worst love.” Emily shrugged. “Until I met Omar and fell in love with him, I thought breaking up with Terrence might have been the dumbest thing I’d ever done. I broke up with him because I didn’t want to do long distance. Looking back, though, our breakup was probably because I didn’t love him enough. I don’t know. Feelings are complicated.” She passed our mother another balloon. “But that ache for him lasted until I met Omar. If Katie’s had that ache for that long, I get why she’d want to talk to you.”
“We can’t go back.” I glanced at the clock. I needed to be home in half an hour or Mia would realize something was up.
“What about going forward? Would you be willing to give Katie another shot?” Emily turned off the helium machine and surveyed our handiwork. All the balloons had the number twenty-one on them. “Twenty-one. God, she’s young.”
“Truth?” I rubbed my face with both hands.
“Uh, of course. I’m your sister. I’ll stand behind you even if you love one woman and you got another one pregnant…who we’re throwing a surprise party for tonight. That’s sweet, by the way. To do all this. ”
“That’s not the problem. I don’t love Katie anymore. I’m sure of that. Seeing her today in the café without having to worry about concealing anything from Mia, I realized that I don’t love her anymore. I care about her. Could I love her again? I don’t know. I don’t know. Could I ever trust her?” I held up my hands in a helpless gesture.
“What about Mia?” Mom raised her eyebrows. “How do you feel about her?”
“If it’s possible, that’s even more complicated.” I sighed. “She’s so determined to get the hell out of here once the baby is born that I’m letting distance sit between us.”
“Letting distance sit between you?” Emily frowned. “What does that mean?”
I grabbed one of the presents sitting on the island. Even though I’d told them not to get Mia anything, they’d all bought small presents. With my fingers, I twirled the wrapped box while I tried to figure out how to phrase it, whether I even wanted to vocalize it.
“She’s asked about Katie a few times, and I’ve resisted giving her the story.”
“Why?” Emily’s frown deepened.
“Partly because I don’t talk about Katie with anyone, ever. What do I say about all that? It’s…I can’t imagine an explanation would make someone I’m with feel secure. But the other side of it,” I took a deep breath, “is that being honest with her, telling her, closes some distance between us.” I placed the box back in the pile. “And then what do I do when she leaves? ’Cause she’s not gonna stay. She’s made that very clear.”
“She might,” My mom said from across the room as she took the helium balloon from Amir. “Having a baby is a profound experience. You can’t understand those feelings until you’ve experienced them. Walking away might not be as easy as she thinks.”
“That’s true,” Emily said, love for her son pouring out of her as she gazed at him. “It’s a whole other level of love.” Amir ran across the large open living room to plow into his mother’s side, wrapping his arms around her and burying his face in her stomach. “I love you, kid.” She leaned down and kissed the side of his head.
“But I can’t count on that.” I pursed my lips, unsure of how to even explain all the complications I could see. “And even if I could, that just means she loves the baby, right?”
“Yeah, but how do you want to look back on this experience?” Emily hugged her son close to her side and seemed deep in thought.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, in five years or ten years when you look back at the months you spent with her, do you want to wonder what might have happened if you’d put yourself out there, or do you want to know you gave it your all? I mean, do you think you could love her?”
I stared at the clouds of balloons in the living room, thought of all the things I’d left at the house for her, at the iced tea in the fridge, at the way my room felt cold once she’d left it each night. “I think I’m half in love with her already.”
“What’s that saying?” Mom called over. “In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take? Put your heart out there, Tyler. We’ll help you pick up the pieces if it comes to that.”
“Easy for everyone to say when it’s not their heart, their sanity. Once she leaves, I’ll still see her everywhere. As long as she’s famous, I’ll have to see her all the time—sometimes in places I’ll expect to, and other times, it’ll be like a punch to the gut. How do I…I barely survived Katie leaving me .” I grabbed the back of my neck. “I barely survived, and I never had to see her.”
It was the most honest I’d been with Emily or my mother about that period of my life. When Katie left, I spent months drowning in alcohol, half-heartedly building the thrift shop, and praying she realized she’d made a mistake and come running back.
Lately, I was seeing that I broke off most of my long-term, committed relationships when they didn’t seem to measure up, when the buzz I’d felt with Katie didn’t appear. But maybe I’d also been a bit afraid to risk my heart with the same intensity I’d done with Katie. Maybe there’d always been a part of me I’d held back, meaning I could never experience the same emotional heights. I knew how far that fall was, how much it hurt.
“I guess I need to figure out what regrets I’m okay with having.” I grabbed my keys off the counter and headed for the door.
“I vote none,” Emily called. “For the record, I vote for no regrets.”