20. Hammer
HAMMER
My jaw was tight as I listened to my grandmother apologize profusely.
Her words were going in one ear and out of the other.
I was already feeling some type of way toward my father’s side of the family because the truth had come out, and I hadn’t heard from Merci in a week.
To make matters worse, my mama put together a party for my pops’ birthday, and none of his people showed up.
It was literally just her, Cujo, Terry and his mama, and me.
If no one else came, I expected Grandma to come, but even she hadn’t showed up.
When I called to curse all they asses out, she told me Gordon Senior and Junior convinced her not to come.
I waited until my aunt and cousin left to call her, and the crazy thing was, my auntie was married into the family.
That was probably why her and Terry didn’t act dumb as fuck like the rest of their asses.
If it was up to her husband, they probably wouldn’t fuck with us either.
He’d died a decade ago, though, and Auntie was still rocking with us, which I appreciated.
Scratching my eye, I released a shaky breath.
“Grandma,” I said, and she was so busy explaining why she didn’t come that she didn’t even hear me.
“Grandma,” I repeated, louder that time, and she shut up.
“I don’t understand why them telling you about my relationship with Merci would keep you from coming, especially after you told my mama that you’d be here. ”
“GD told us that girl’s daddy killed yours,” she said, referring to my cousin.
“And? What that got to do with you coming to this party my mama put together for your son?”
“I’m not comfortable with that, baby. I’m sorry if your mama went to an extreme to do the party but—”
When I laughed, she went silent because she knew that was a sign that my anger was increasing.
“First of all, regardless of who killed my father, that has nothing to do with what’s going on today.
If you were so uncomfortable with my relationship with her, all you had to do was tell me, and I would have told you that she and I aren’t even together anymore.
She’s not here. But you know who is here?
My mama. With red, puffy eyes because she went out of her way to cook all this food and put a party together to honor your son.
“She didn’t do this for her or for us, because that nigga spent his life making ours hell.
She did this because, regardless of how poorly y’all have treated us, she wanted y’all to be able to honor his memory.
And y’all didn’t even have the decency to show up?
You know if you would have come, the rest of them would have, so for you to let the Gordons get in your head… that’s truly fucked up, Grandma.
“I done let y’all disrespect my mama and play in her face for years now, but this is it.
It’s clear y’all ain’t really fucked with us since he died, and I’ma protect her going forward.
He dead, and as far as I’m concerned, our relationship can be too.
Y’all done already cost me the love of my life.
Y’all ain’t gon’ continue to hurt and disrespect my mama too. ”
She started trying to say some shit, but I just ended the call.
They all knew he was beating our asses until we got bigger and strong enough to fight him back, and they never spoke up or did anything about it.
They let him terrorize us, and when we finally got relief through his death, they still treated us like shit because we got out the streets instead of continuing to work for them.
I thought at least I’d always have my granny, but truthfully, she had enough say and power in the family to bring all the tension to an end.
Instead, she chose to sit around and condone their bad behavior.
As far as I was concerned, that made her just as guilty as them.
I paced around outside and smoked a blunt until I was calm enough to talk to my mama without yelling. She was in the kitchen, putting the big-ass German chocolate cake she’d made in small containers. That only pissed me off more.
“They don’t fuck with us, and you need to accept that and stop trying to be cool with them,” I said, and Cujo instantly nodded his agreement before eating more of his mac and cheese.
“They ain’t gon’ have a chance to hurt your feelings and make you cry again.
It’s hard enough on you, celebrating the memory of the man that dogged you for decades and abused you like that shit was his favorite sport.
This the last year you do that to try and appease his family again.
Leave his folks the fuck alone, Ma, or I’ma kill ’em.
They done cost me too fucking much. Leave ’em alone. ”
She released silent tears as she nodded. “I was just trying to keep the peace for y’all sake. I know I come from nothing, and I wanted y’all to at least have his family.”
“We don’t need them,” Cujo said. “We got each other. Fuck ’em.”
“Fuck ’em, disrespectfully at that,” I replied, making her laugh as she wiped her eyes.
“Well, if y’all are okay with that, I’m okay with that too. I feel like I haven’t been able to really find peace in him being gone, because I’ve been tied to them. They treat us like outcasts anyway. As y’all say, fuck ’em.”
Her laughter was the only thing that calmed me down enough to make me smile.
If they knew what was best for them, they’d stay the hell away from my folks and me. With how I was feeling, I was liable to release hell now that Merci was gone.
Cujo and I sat around for a few more hours before leaving.
He tried to get inside my head and heart to talk about Merci, but I wasn’t in the mood.
He wasn’t on no I told you so shit, but still.
I was missing my baby like crazy, and the less I had to talk about her, the better.
This shit was on me. Had I just stayed away, none of this would have happened.
I knew the risks when I pursued her, but I also knew she was worth it.
Now, all I could do was cherish the moments we had and the love we shared and hope that would be enough.