Chapter 10 #2
“I don’t see how wooing her will help,” Storee interjects, worrying her lip.
“Let me get there.” I point to the flowers.
“We go on a full-frontal attack. Hold nothing back. We’re talking pulling out my best moves.
” I lower myself near Cole and smile next to his face.
“I offer her the moneymaker, my smile.” I then move to Storee and tickle her neck, causing her to swat me away.
“I make her laugh.” I stand behind Taran and wrap my arm around her shoulders.
“I embrace her with my manly body.” I move over to Guy, and I’m about to kiss his cheek and then think better of it, instead patting the top of his head. “I kiss her wildly, using tongue.”
“Glad you didn’t show that as an example with me,” Guy says.
“Same, dude.” Then I clear my throat and continue. “I woo her, over and over and over again until she has no other option than to give in to this”—I gesture to my body—“sex machine.”
“Jesus Christ,” Cole says, shaking his head. “And what are you going to do when she throws up when you present her with your . . . sex machine?”
“She won’t throw up,” I counter.
“Really? Because I just thew up in my mouth,” Cole replies.
“Cute.” I give him a mocking smile.
“I’m sorry. I’m trying to grasp this concept,” Storee says. “How do you expect to do this when she probably doesn’t want to be anywhere near you?”
“Once again, glad you asked.” I move back to my plan and say, “By setting up booby-trapped meet-cutes—if you will—all around town, possible scenarios where she runs into me and has no other option than to interact with me. Scenarios where I . . . I don’t know, save a dog in front of her or, even better, save her from getting run over by a moving vehicle where she’s forced into my arms—”
“And she can feel the manly body,” Guy says.
“Precisely, my man. Little instances that grow her liking of me and that can then allow that liking to grow into infatuation.” I move the spatula down to an image of her with hearts in her eyes and hearts floating over her head.
“And with that infatuation, we start to see her second-guess herself. Second-guess her actions. This is where she starts to rethink her idea of taking me out of business. Where she starts to think, Hey, what am I doing to this man with the manly body that I seem to like so much?” Then in my best girly voice, I clutch my chest and say, “Oh goodness, I love Max so much. He’s my night and day and my moon, and I don’t see how I could possibly continue with this farm idea, because I wouldn’t want to hurt him.
Oh, Uncle Dwight, count me out. I no longer want to go through with this asinine idea, because the man who has secured my love with his bulging biceps and frying pan pecs has captured my heart.
Count me out.” Then I dramatically take a bow and say, “End scene.”
When I lift up, I find Guy clapping for me.
Aunt Cindy smiling.
Taran looking around the room, unsure.
Storee shaking her head.
And Cole . . . well, let’s just say I think he’s checked out.
“So what do you think?” I hold out my arms, welcoming all honest opinions.
“Frying pan pecs?” Aunt Cindy asks.
“Yeah, want to give them a poke?”
“That’s . . . that’s all right, dear.”
“Well, anyone else?” I ask around the room.
“Uh, does anyone need water? I think I’ll grab some refills,” Taran says as she heads into the kitchen.
“I think I’ll grab some dessert,” Storee adds, removing herself.
When they leave, I glance over at Cole, who still looks checked out, Aunt Cindy, who is gathering crumbs on the table, and Guy, who is looking around as well.
After a few seconds of silence, Guy finally speaks up. “I don’t know. I think it has merit.”
Huh, that’s surprising. Guy might be my number one fan.
I look down at Cole, and when our eyes meet, he says, “You’re an idiot.”
“Come on,” I groan and then move down the diagram. “See, look. I even drew us holding hands and walking into the forest together.”
“Your diagram is asinine, not to mention you’re neglecting so many factors. For instance, what if she doesn’t like you?”
“Pffft, everyone likes me.” I point my spatula at the other end of the table. “Right, Gus?”
His face falls flat as he says, “It’s Guy.”
“Oh shit, right.” I chuckle. “Sorry, man. Uh, don’t hold that against me. I’m billowing with energy.”
“Don’t do it again,” he says, changing his tune. Clearly his fandom is wavering.
“What if she has a boyfriend already?” Cole asks.
“She just moved to a new town and is starting a new life. Doubtful she has a boyfriend. Also, Dwight said I wasn’t her type, which makes me think she’s available, but I’m just not the one to fill the position of boyfriend.”
“Uh-huh, and what happens if—and I mean if—she does find you appealing and you somehow find a way for this woman to fall for you? Then what?”
Taran and Storee walk back in with drinks and cookies just as I say, “Simple. I date her up until Christmas when my parents return; then they can take over, I dump her, she’s too distraught to even be near me, she leaves town, and Dwight doesn’t have someone to run his project anymore. Problem solved. Bing. Bang. Boom.”
Taran and Storee glance at each other and then head back into the kitchen while Aunt Cindy stands as well. “I think I’ll go help them.”
Gus . . . I mean Guy. Fuck, what is wrong with me? Guy leans back and chuckles while muttering, “Bing. Bang. Boom.”
Cole just stares at me, blinking.
After a few seconds, he says, “Like I said before, you’re an idiot.”
“I’m not. This is a great plan. This will work.
And it’s the only way to make sure they don’t try to take over.
In the meantime, while I work my wooing magic, I can have Martha and Mae Bawhovier go through the town records for me and see if they can find any sort of .
. . clause or something that talks about businesses overlapping outside the town limits, but that will take time.
And I need time. Therefore, let the wooing commence. ”
I sit and cross one leg over the other, completely pleased with myself and my well-thought-out plan I’ve conjured up. “Come on. You can’t tell me this plan isn’t bulletproof.”
“It’s fucking Swiss cheese,” Cole says. “There are holes everywhere. It won’t work.”
“You have lost your mind,” I say with a shake of my head.
“Dude, look in a mirror when you say that.”
Storee reappears, and this time, she’s without cookies.
With an empathetic expression, she takes a seat on the chair next to me and reaches out for my hand.
She gives it a gentle pat while she says, “Atlas, you know I love you and put up with a lot of your ideas, but I really think this might be something that you don’t pursue. ”
“Why not?” I ask. “I need time. This gives me time.”
“Because . . . what if she grows attached to you? You don’t want to hurt her.”
“I don’t want to hurt her?” I ask, sitting taller, pointing to my chest. “I don’t want to hurt her?
Uh, absolutely I do. Let’s think back to what has happened so far.
She moves in next to me, attacks me with a two-liter bottle, gets me sent to jail, which I have a court hearing for, thank you very much, and then snoops around my farm, attacks me with another two-liter when I was bringing her a peace offering, threatens me with a gallon of tea, leaves me high and dry to wallow in pain in the parking lot, and has a master plan to put my family out of business.
I don’t want to hurt her? Uh, no, I want to annihilate her.
I want her crying so hard, she’s dehydrated.
I want her to know what pain is, the same kind of pain I felt when a bottle of Coca-Cola smashed directly into my sternum. ”
“When he puts it like that, he might have a point,” Guy says.
“Thank you . . . Guy,” I say, making sure to enunciate his name.
“And frankly, I don’t see why he doesn’t at least give it a try.
Who’s to say she’ll fall in love with him?
If anything, he can make her realize he’s a human, and maybe sufficient guilt consumes her and slows her plans, giving Martha and Mae enough time to look through the town archives. I see value in the plan.”
I slowly clap. “And that’s why Guy is part of the story.”
“Huh?” Storee asks.
“Don’t worry about it.” I shake her off. “But see, it’s a valid plan. I just need you guys to be on board.”
“Why the hell would we need to be on board?” Cole asks.
“Because I need you to help set the booby-trapped meet-cutes. Or if you want, we can shorten it to the BTMCs.”
“No,” Cole says.
“Booby-trapped meet-cutes it is then.”
“I mean no, we’re not helping.”
Guy raises his hand. “I don’t mind helping.”
“Guy,” Taran says, entering the room now. “Please, don’t get yourself mixed up in all this.”
“Why not?” He shrugs. “I don’t have anything better to do at the moment. Might as well help a man save his farm.”
“Damn it.” I smack the table, rattling the glasses and china. “You are an unexpected twist in all this, and I like it.” I lean over the table and hold out my hand. Guy takes it and gives it a good shake. “Thank you.”
“Any time.”
“Anyone else want to join?” I hold out my arms, gesturing to the rest of the group.
“This is the golden chance to take part in an inaugural opportunity, one that I’m sure will be talked about for decades to come.
” When no one offers to join, I say, “Anyone, speak now. We might not have openings later.” Crickets.
“No one else, okay, that’s fine. Gus, it looks like it’s you and me. ”
His face falls, and I realize my grave mistake.
“Guy!” I shout. “Fuck, I meant to say Guy. Please don’t leave me. You’re all I have.”
His nostrils flare as he picks up his water glass, letting my plan roll back up. “I told you not to make that mistake again. I’m out.”
Motherfucker.
Good-for-nothing friends.
Ha, I wouldn’t even call them that.
More like frenemies.
Not a single ounce of help from any of them. I should have known better. They don’t like to be involved in anything epic. Real bores.
I make my way down the steps of Cole’s house, my plan rolled up under my arm, and head to my truck, where I open the door and shift inside, shutting the door quickly, because fuck, it’s cold out.
No matter how long I’ve lived here, the cold night air still—
“Atlas,” I hear someone whisper as I get into my truck.
What the hell was that? I glance around, looking for the voice.
“Psst, Atlas.”
I turn to the right to find Storee tucked half on the floor of my truck and half on the passenger seat.
“Holy fuck!” I shout, nearly wetting myself. I lean back against my seat and take deep breaths. “What the hell are you doing, Storee?”
“I wanted to talk to you in secret.”
I glance toward her aunt Cindy’s house, which is next door. “Weren’t you walking your aunt Cindy back?”
“Yes, but then I came here because I wanted to talk to you. Took you long enough.”
“Why are you hiding?”
“Because I don’t want Cole to see me talking to you.”
“Why?”
“Because . . . I . . . uh . . . I want to help you.”
“Wait. Really?” I ask, hope blossoming in my chest.
See, there are good people in this world.
“Yes, under two conditions.” She holds up her finger. “You don’t tell Cole that I’m helping you.”
“That’s easy. He’s dead to me at the moment.”
“And the second condition is you listen to me. If we’re doing this, then we’re doing this right.”
Pretty easy conditions to follow if you ask me.
“Okay, I think I can manage that. Can I offer some input?”
“Of course, but you can’t go rogue on me. There’s a delicate process to wooing someone, especially when they’re someone you don’t get along with. Trust me, I have experience.”
“Right, because you and Cole hated each other, but then you flipped the switch and are now married.”
“Exactly, and I know how to get there. There has to be buildup. There has to be tension, and then there needs to be a moment when you become real. A moment when she sees you as more than just the man who lives on the farm next to her. She needs to see you for you, and that’s how you get her to fall. ”
“That’s what happened with you and Cole?”
She nods. “Yup. Happened after the candy cane-making class we went to. He dropped his guard, and I saw past the gruff exterior to recognize that he was hurting inside. It changed everything. But we have to build to that point. We can’t just lay it out there for her, because she’ll believe that you’re just getting to know her—”
“To get her to back off.”
“Precisely.”
I rub my hands together, feeling the excitement come back into my body. “I knew I should have been talking to you this entire time. And you acted like you wanted nothing to do with me in there. You wily minx.”
“Of course. To throw my husband off. Come on. The minute I saw the crayon drawings, I knew I was in.”
“I’m so glad my best friend fell in love with you.”
“And I’m so glad my husband is your best friend. I’ve been waiting for something like this. Get me out of my mom funk. Go undercover. Smell the action again.”
I smirk. “Missing the Christmas Kringle competition?”
“Just a little.” She holds up her fingers. “Okay, meet me at Warm Your Spirits tomorrow at seven in the morning, sharp.”
“Seven?” I balk.
“It’s when I go for my walk with Flo and Evelyn. It won’t lead to any suspicion from the husband.”
“Gotcha.”
“Okay. See you then.” She starts to leave, but I stop her.
“Hey, do you think we need a secret handshake or anything?”
“Absolutely.” Then she holds her hands out together like she’s saying a prayer and then says, “Lay a motherfucking bomb on this Christmas tree.”
Laughing, I form a fist and then crash my hand on top of her fingers.
She deflates them and then says, “Consider her Christmas ruined.”