12 Penny
The way he came to me, making himself small as if for my benefit.
He was so big, crouching didn’t make him any less menacing, but I was still looking down at him, and it seemed intentional like someone kneeling to pray for forgiveness from their god.
Only he wasn’t asking a god for forgiveness. He was asking me.
I didn’t know why that made my eyes hot with tears, but it did. And to hear him speak in words I could understand, despite a strong accent, caught me off guard.
I wasn’t sure how he’d gotten his hands on my Buddy, but I was so damn relieved when he gave it to me. Not that it would be useful to me that far away from the Nexus or Earth. The signal was likely lost and no one was coming for me, but it was familiarity in a world where everything was so foreign.
I squeezed it in my hand, staring down at Thilar like he wasn’t real. I couldn’t fathom how he could learn to communicate with me in just a couple days, but he had. And it was to say sorry.
I had so many questions, but knowing he could understand me suddenly made it hard to ask. Especially with so many prying eyes and ears. I took a deep breath and sighed.
“I…” he started. “Nearly got you killed the first day. Nearly let you die in the game. And I hurt you.”
Why did he have to say that so softly? It almost made me feel sorry for him even though I was the one who had been violated. At least that’s what I was telling myself. Afterall, I’d told him to do it.
Then again… there was a certain level of violation that came with being forced into committing such an act.
I knew how devastating losing control was.
It didn’t make me feel less conflicted about everything.
“You didn’t,” I said. “I’ve been thrown around worse.”
He cocked his head and I knew the moment he was referencing.
“Right.” I shifted my weight, feeling awkward and anxious. “You’re a little bigger than me. But I’ll be honest. I would have rather felt everything than nothing. I almost didn’t feel anything that first day in the cell, not that it makes what that asshole wanted you to do any better.”
His brows pulled together. “What does this mean?”
“I have something in my spine. It malfunctioned when this thing shocked me,” I gestured to the collar. “Which is why it can’t happen again. I don’t know what it will do. So, whatever they make us do, we’ll do it, right?”
I hated asking such a thing. I didn’t want my implant shorting, but Sunhai’s words stayed with me.
Thilar was going to protect me for some strange reason and to protect us both, we needed to put on a show.
My cooperation was as much for me as it was for him, I supposed, not that he looked like someone who needed protection.
“What is in your spine?”
“Something that keeps me from feeling pain that’s always there or...” He just kept looking at me like he was waiting for more of an explanation. “Or never feeling anything again.”
He sighed. “These games will hurt you. Pek-Tol has many plans.”
“I can take a few cuts and bruises.”
He went silent, his eyes focused on me like he was working out an equation.
“So, we comply. Like yesterday. You are in agreement?”
My cheeks grew hot over the memory, and I scrubbed my hands over my face to distract myself from the embarrassment. The soreness between my legs still hadn’t completely subsided.
“I didn’t want my implant malfunctioning,” I explained, leaving out the part about me not wanting to see Thilar shocked to unconsciousness again. “If it breaks, I’m screwed. I would have done anything to prevent that shit face bastard from giving me another zap.”
“And your body. It’s in good condition now?”
“Sure,” I shrugged.
I wanted the conversation to be over.
I didn’t want to explain what I really felt in the arena. That the cuts and bruises were nothing. That he made me climax like a deprived housewife. I had to divert his attention from me and direct it somewhere else.
“Sunhai explained something about tea,” I blurted out. “Said that’s why you were a little unhinged.”
He let out a hard breath and stood to his full height, a whole head taller than me.
“They gave me rutia.” he gestured at his head. “Makes it blurry up here.”
“Is that all?”
He hesitated, his eyes wandering as if searching for the right words again. “It does other things.”
I knew what he was trying to say. Maybe I just wanted it confirmed so I knew he wasn’t the beast that place was making him out to be. Or maybe I was just being na?ve.
“Right. So, LT on steroids,” I said under my breath.
He looked at me like he was trying to translate the words.
I sighed. “It’s something men used to take on Earth to make their dick hard. It gets you really worked up, but I’m guessing that rutia stuff is worse.” I lowered my voice, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. “You looked like you were in pain.”
“I can handle pain. What rutia does to the mind… it was difficult to work past. Not something monrians have built a tolerance for. Never thought I would need to. But Pek-Tol had to double the dose in the last game. My body is already finding ways to process it.”
“That’s a nifty trick. But why’d they give it to you?”
“For better entertainment. I am… stubborn. Was going to avoid you because of it, but nozun chased. So, I chased.”
“How many were after me?”
He held up three fingers and I swallowed, a hint of fear for what could have happened giving me a sinking feeling in my gut. I had only seen two of them, but by the time Thilar entered the clearing, he was already covered in blood.
“Was that whose blood you had all over you?”
He nodded, but the gesture seemed so empty. So nonchalant. The man was a killer. There was a time that I could have been, too. And then I died and was shipped to the Nexus. I stuffed the memory back in my lockbox and shifted again, almost amused by how much going to the Nexus didn’t protect me.
“Forgive me,” Thilar said again. “It is—”
“Stop apologizing.”
“Taking a female against her will is a crime. I would sooner die, but…” He cut himself short, leaving that thought unfinished. “I will do everything I can to right what’s been done before I answer for it.”
I rubbed my brow, stressing over the fact that my body enjoyed what happened. I felt filthy and wrong for it and wondered if getting off negated the fact that we were both being forced into nonconsensual situations with each other. If both parties were unwilling, were either guilty?
“Penny—”
“Thilar, it’s fine.”
“It is not.”
“Thilar I…” I trailed off, stopping myself before I told him outright that I climaxed.
What would that mean to him anyways? Would it relieve him of his guilt to know? Would it just confuse him? Would it make him think what he was forced to do to me was ok?
None of it was ok…
Thilar’s eyes were already locked on me when I looked at him. I couldn’t help but think he was reading me. Successfully.
“It is not ok, Penny,” he said, his voice so low, I barely heard it.
I pressed my lips together and gently shook my head. “I know it’s not,” I said in an equally quiet tone.
I didn’t know how long Thilar had been in that place or what he’d been forced to do before I arrived. I didn’t know anything about him.
As if her name had been called, Sunhai came traipsing over, her feminine muscles bulging. She smiled, looking between Thilar and me like she was waiting for us to catch her up on our conversation.
“Fine, don’t tell me,” she chuckled.
As she was about to walk away, two more guards dressed in marginally more fancy attire strolled into the yard and scanned the remaining prisoners.
When they settled on Sunhai, she let out a childish groan and started to head their way.
Thilar was quick. He grabbed her arm and tugged her close, whispering something in her ear.
For a moment, she looked a little stunned, but slowly, her eyes narrowed and a subtle smirk teased her lips.
Before she set off with the guards, she nodded and then very obediently departed.
“What was that?” I asked.
Thilar crossed his arms over his broad chest. “She has been requested for a private viewing.”
“A private viewing?”
“Nobles pay extra for them sometimes.”
I grew uneasy at the thought, reflecting on the first game when Thilar and I were thrust into a room for a private audience.
“Got it,” I sighed. “So? How many times have you been requested for a private viewing?”
His eyes shifted back toward me, but he said nothing. That empty answer, however, told me everything I needed to know. My jaw ticked at the thought. The day he came back in nothing but a small strip of fabric over his hips, I knew something was strange. And I knew it wasn’t what he wanted.
“I suppose it won’t be long before someone requests me. Anything I should know?”
He shifted his stance, his teeth grinding subtly.
“You don’t need to know anything,” he said before abruptly marching out of the yard and disappearing back inside.
Not long after that, the guards ushered whoever was remaining back to their cells, but I was hardly feeling refreshed.
There was no real sunlight on the station.
No air that wasn’t filtered through vents.
Even on the Nexus, they emulated Earth’s light and landscapes in most wings.
Everything on this rock was artificial and even in the short time I’d been there, it was starting to get to me.