Chapter 4
FOUR
EDDIE
Time passed strangely when Eddie was in the midst of a breakdown. Minutes felt like hours, and years felt like seconds. He’d lost whole nights in the blink of an eye, and felt himself age as a moment passed.
Eddie cried and regretted every choice that led him to leaving Jett.
He regretted every little fight; he lamented every time he got so caught up in his own curiosity that days passed before he emerged from his mind to find Jett angry—or worse—worried.
But, most of all, Eddie regretted that he had still desired his family’s love, and that he let that come between him and Jett.
Because Jett was the only one worthy of the great love Eddie held within him.
Love that had been dangled in front of Eddie his whole life, but was always denied when he reached out.
Eddie would love Jett until the day he died.
But now he knew that he was unworthy of the love that Jett offered in return.
Undeserving of the trust that Jett had placed in him when they’d gotten together, when they’d fallen in love.
Where do you go from here, Eddie? What can you do?
Eddie knew that the best thing to do was leave Jett alone. He would follow his new orders, just as he’d been pushed to do, and leave behind the Neo-Tokyo and all the memories they’d shared together.
Eddie slowly calmed, his tears dried. His thoughts settled and were as orderly as ever. A passiveness and a resolve washed over him.
Yes, he told himself. I will leave Jett alone. I will leave Neo-Tokyo, and I will mourn this loss caused by my own stupidity.
Eddie pulled himself from the ground. He didn’t need a mirror to know that he looked disheveled.
His chest hurt, his brain was clouded. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt despair; since he’d watched his whole life flash before his eyes, been offered everything he wanted, and lost it in the same instant.
Even his toxic university romance hadn’t hit so hard.
Eddie rubbed his right forearm where a long, thin scar had faded to white against tan.
He rarely thought of the man who’d put it there, though he’d married Eddie’s brother.
But that night, when Lucas had attacked him, was the closest he’d ever felt to what plagued him now. And it still paled in comparison.
Eddie’s chest ached where he’d torn out his heart and stuffed the cavity with guilt and remorse.
He’d overfilled it in the weeks since the breakup, hoping that busywork and preparations would keep the loss from his mind.
Instead the pain had only rushed back faster when the bandages were ripped from the wound.
Once again, Eddie straightened his uniform coat and pants, ran a hand through his curly hair.
He couldn’t do anything for his irritated eyes or the flush that likely crossed his face, but few would dare even ask what was wrong.
Eddie had a reputation for being distant, professional; it was a part of the mask that he wore to protect himself and prevent people from getting too close.
If people got close, then there was a chance that Eddie would lose them.
The mask hadn’t worked on Jett, and Eddie had lost him too.
Eddie looked around at the once-beloved roses. His formative memories had been of playing in the gardens of the pleasure dome on Ganymede where his family lived. They had a flower farm, and Eddie grew up loving the feel of soft petals under his thumb and the spike of thorns in his flesh.
Early on in their relationship, when it was budding like the roses, Eddie gave Jett a deep red rose as a gift.
Jett looked up at Eddie, a question flashing in the iris of his cybernetic eye.
“They remind me of you.” Eddie wasn’t good with words. He couldn’t put his thoughts and feelings into them. He’d recited those words in the confines of his mind over and over, yet they fell flat as soon as he opened his mouth to speak.
“Why’s that, Farm Boy?” Jett smiled, soft as the petals of the rose he twirled between his fingers.
Eddie tucked a strand of black hair behind Jett’s ear and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You are so beautiful, Jett. But sometimes it hurts to get close to you.”
Jett slithered into his arms and kissed his throat. “So it hurts to be close to me?” He gently scratched Eddie’s back with his free hand, little rips of pain and pleasure making his shoulders shake.
“In only the best of ways, my Little Rose.”
How could Eddie explain the intensity of what he felt, when he couldn’t express it properly?
How could he tell Jett that he ached for him when they were apart?
How that ache was only soothed by Jett’s sweet kisses and gentle touch?
Jett was the center of Eddie’s universe, even now.
The black hole around which Eddie orbited, waiting to be sucked in, consumed, made one with Jett.
But that would never happen. He’d ruined his one chance at real happiness, at sharing his life with someone who understood him, understood the pain he hid deep within his soul. Pain that leaked out when he wasn’t vigilant and caused further torment in the ones close to him, few though they were.
It was quiet here, surrounded by growth and life, but it, like all nature aboard the ship, was tamed and molded to suit another’s whims. Eddie felt for the roses, for the trees, for the blades of glass.
He knew what that felt like, to be molded to suit another.
Eddie knew the disappointment that came with that, too.
He’d been on the receiving end of his family’s disdain for more than forty years, just by a fluke of genetics.
When they finally did give him the love and affection that he wanted, it was with strings attached.
He was torn between love for Jett and that deep-seated need for his family to approve of him, to love him for who he is.
And when he made his choice—the wrong choice—he learned that his family’s love was conditional.
The love they’d showered him with was contingent on their happiness, not his.
They’d manipulated him his whole life, and this time Eddie gave up the one thing that made him happy.
Jett was the only person to love him fully, the only condition being that Eddie love him back. Jett knew him; he knew Eddie’s every flaw, every insecurity, and loved him for them. Eddie told him every secret hidden in his heart, even though Jett kept his buried.
Eddie sighed. Jett was a better person than him, a better lover, even with his secrets. He wished he could’ve been the person that Jett trusted to share whatever had caused his scars. But Eddie hadn’t been enough.
The bench creaked beside him.
“Thought I’d find you here.”
Eddie sighed again, rubbed his eyes with the pads of his fingers, and sat back. “If you are here to tell me to talk to Jett, you are too late. We talked and I made it worse.”
Maria nodded, their round face fixed with a concerned frown, colorless eyes narrowed at him. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Are you going to leave me alone if I do not tell you what happened?”
A grin split their face, crooked teeth sparkling against dark lips. “That’s my baby boy you broke.” They sighed, their great shoulders sinking. “Eddie, you’re hurting as much as Jett. So no, I won’t leave you alone until you tell me what happened.”
Eddie stared at the roses behind Maria’s head. The dark, steel-grey of their hair contrasted with the deep red roses and green leaves. Could he really tell them what happened? How he’d given up his and Jett’s happiness, broke them both so completely, just to please his family?
They are persistent. They will bother you until you tell them.
Eddie stood, stretching his long arms and aching back. “I will tell you, but not here.” He gestured at the roses surrounding them, the sweet floral scent would cling to his uniform for hours, a constant reminder of Jett, his Little Rose.
The bench groaned under Maria as they stood, towering over Eddie. They were 15 centimeters taller than him, but their broader shoulders and barrel chest made them appear larger.
“Where do you suggest?”
“Is it too early to go to a bar?”
“Ha!” Maria’s laugh boomed through the space, disappearing toward the ceiling far above. “It’s never too early for a drink. Especially when you’re an asshole.”
Eddie sighed. They were correct, he was an asshole. “This way,” he said, leading them out of the Rose Garden.
The neon sign for BAR MOMO was brilliant pink and orange lines flashing within the stylized confines of the square logo.
It had been awhile since Eddie stepped within its doors.
He and Jett had spent so many nights cuddled up next to each other while their friends chatted around them, content with each other’s presence, each other’s touch.
Eddie paused, wondering if Jett would be here tonight, if he came here after their encounter. A small part of Eddie hoped that he was here, that there was still a chance for him to fix what he broke. But he had to talk to Maria first, and he didn’t think they would agree.
Maria led him through the dark, cavernous room toward the private booths against the far wall. They were generally for senior officers’ use, but any crew member could reserve one if they needed to. Maria slid into the booth and tapped the table tab to order them drinks.
“Jovian ale?” they asked, knowing that was his one and only indulgence.
Eddie nodded as he slumped down across from them. He was still on edge, the quiet numbness after his earlier breakdowns long gone and replaced by jittery nerves and a whirling mind. He watched them tap away for a moment before they leaned back and crossed their arms.
“Tell me what happened on Ganymede.”