Chapter 4 #2
The drinks arrived, giving Eddie a chance to organize his thoughts. He’d spent so much time over the last eight weeks thinking through this exact conversation, but he’d not expected to have it with Maria. The words were not exactly right. He’d have to pay attention to them as he spoke.
Maria picked up their neon pink cocktail and raised it to him before bringing it to their lips. Eddie returned the salute with his beer and savored the dark, bitter taste. He set the glass down on the table, his eyes trailing over the star-studded arm of the galaxy displayed.
“I asked Jett to come with me to meet my parents.” He sighed. “It felt like something that needed to happen before—” He cut himself off. That was a thought he didn’t want to entertain.
“He refused, again.” Eddie didn’t know how else to put it. “So I went alone and things were tense, but no worse than the usual jibes about Jett avoiding them.”
“But?” Half of Maria’s cocktail was already gone and they were ordering a second.
“The third morning we were there I got the call.” Eddie knew he didn’t need to clarify further. “I asked for a few days to think about it and talk it over with Jett. I did not want to make a big decision like that without him.”
Eddie rubbed a hand over his face as Maria’s second drink arrived and the empty glass disappeared.
“My brother, Richard, overheard my conversation and told my parents. Father let himself into my old room as soon as I hung up. Mother spoke to me later that morning, when I was still reeling.” Eddie shuddered.
His family knew exactly when and how to throw him off guard and get him under their thumbs.
“She told me it was time I finally did something for the family…And that Jett wouldn’t follow me to this new ship. ”
Maria made a face. “Bastards are good at that.”
Eddie nodded. “It was so much noise, and it all played into my worries that Jett did not really love me. That I was never going to be good enough for him. That he would not uproot his life again, all for my sake.”
“That’s so much bullshit. Jett practically worships you. He would follow you literally anywhere.”
“Not anymore. I do not think he ever wants to see me again.” Eddie finished his first beer and Maria ordered him another.
“Over the rest of the trip they alternated between praising me and telling me that Jett would never follow me, that he did not love me. Mother went as far as saying that I would never be able to tell if someone did love me.”
“I bet they were fine with your asshole ex, right?”
Eddie hated thinking about Lucas, but here he was thinking about the man again. “Yes, they like Lucas. Mother preferred him to me most of the time. But I also did not see that until much later, when she sided with him after we broke up, and he got together with Richard.”
Maria rubbed a hand over their broad face. “Eddie, what in all of the universe made you listen to them? After everything they’ve put you through and all the healing you’ve done with Jett? Why would you throw him away and not them?”
Eddie squirmed in his seat.
People milled back and forth beneath dim lights while music thumped at a low enough volume that you didn’t have to yell to talk.
It was sometimes easier to think like this, with the world moving around him.
But, after several long moments trying to formulate something that could pass as an acceptable answer, he shrugged and shook his head.
“I do not know.”
He didn’t have anything else to say, no excuses to make. The plain and simple fact was that he had chosen the conditional love of his family over the deep, passionate love given to him by Jett.
“What happened after you came back?” Maria was a little less jovial now.
“Jett could tell that something was wrong, but I did not tell him what. We fought. I spent days trying to stim out some of the overwhelm so I could think clearly, and he yelled at me and grabbed my arm.
“I snapped.” He talked at the table, at the half-empty glass of beer that he didn’t remember drinking, at anything that wasn’t Maria. He couldn’t bear to look at them now. He didn’t want to see judgement on their face, swirling in their colorless eyes.
Eddie explained what happened in the Rose Garden.
Maria slumped down in the booth with a sigh. “Well,” was all they said for a moment. “First off, your mom is a major bitch.”
Eddie chuckled, despite the gaping wound in his chest. “Is that your professional opinion as a HR representative?”
Maria chuckled and shook their head. “No. Second, you handled that like shit. You should’ve told Jett as soon as you got back.
” They shook their head again. “I know you get overwhelmed Eddie, but I’ve seen you handle Tech essentially alone for a week during an outage and you didn’t perform half as poorly as you did in this.
” They slapped the table. “That is my professional opinion.”
Eddie nodded, knowing that they were correct. After several long, quiet moments, Eddie began:
“Have you ever wanted something so bad that the wanting of it established itself into your very DNA? You do not seek it consciously, but you hope that everything you do will one day lead to it. That was love and acceptance from my parents. I forgot that for a long time, then they were both praising me for something that I had done without their help. And the wanting returned full force.” Eddie lapsed into silence as he thought over those days, over the poisonous words they’d dripped into his ears.
He remembered Jett’s steady calm, his sure love, and Eddie knew that was truly what he wanted above all else. But his oldest desires had won out.
“Because of that wanting and their manipulation, I pushed Jett away.”
Maria fingered the rim of their glass. “I think I know what you mean.” They leaned against the table, elbows supporting their chin.
“I always wanted children. Even when I was young, I always cared for kids younger than me and I loved it. But, when I was older, I realized that I wanted neither romantic nor sexual love, and I didn’t want to grow any children in my own body.
I was in the CDF and the adoption agency looks down on soldiers adopting, especially if they’re single.
So I ‘adopted’ recruits younger than me, took them on as my surrogate children.
” They smiled, colorless eyes gleaming in the lowlight.
“Jett was my real baby though. He was the youngest recruit I mentored ,and we hit it off easily once I convinced him I wasn’t going to punish him.”
Eddie smiled despite the pain he felt. “The pancakes…”
He’d heard the story enough times from Jett to know it by heart.
When Maria was assigned Jett’s mentor, they saw through him quickly.
Saw that he prided himself on his looks and strength, and that he was constantly hungry.
So they reminded him that he was three days or more unwashed with blood caked under his fingernails and tangles in his black hair.
And while he was cleaning himself, they cemented his devotion by ordering him something sweet for the first time in his life.
One of his first bonding moments with Jett was talking about when Maria adopted each of them.
They were a friend to Eddie instead of a parent, because that’s what he needed.
Jett had been in desperate need of someone to love him, to care for him, to show him that he was lovable no matter what.
That love, and knowing what love was needed, was Maria’s greatest strength.
“He will always be my favorite.” A small, loving smile crossed their face.
Eddie swallowed against the pain in his heart. “I am sorry to ask that you not share this with him. If he ever hears any of this, it needs to be from me. No one else.”
“I agree. But you should tell him before you leave. It’ll make you both feel better just knowing the truth was out.”
Food arrived, signaling that the conversation was over for now. Outside the confines of their booth, the bar buzzed with a quiet, comforting energy. He and Maria ate and shared unimportant details about their days and the 12-week journey to Charon.
Eddie knew that Maria was right, but he didn’t think that the right moment would ever come. He didn’t think he could ever mend the hurt he’d caused, but he nursed one tiny ember of hope that would always burn for Jett.