Thirteen
I could feel that rage rising in me, and I had to get away from her. She didn’t deserve to see that side of me, and honestly, I was too afraid to stay near her, and be a risk to her, as much as I wanted to finish what we’d started. His messages, as much as I hated him for the interruption, came at the best time, before I got in too deep with her, and she said those words too. The words I’d been hearing in my head ever since that night with Chrissy. That bitch destroyed me that night, like she cracked the last little part of my soul, and let out the monster who did those terrible things. I shouldn’t even have let myself get close to Soph, because she was too good to be tainted by someone like me, even if she’d already let that fucker Reaper near her.
I locked myself in the bedroom she’d allocated to me, and when she knocked and called out, I told her I needed a few minutes, and I’d be out, but what the fuck would I do next? I should get away from her, before I caused her the same kind of harm I’d done to others. But then who’d save her from the Rogues? From Reaper? The least I could do would be to get her out first, and kill that fucker in the process, then I could get away somewhere before I ruined her life, or worse, caused her harm.
The scariest part, the thing about me that I was most afraid of, was that I was afraid of what I might do to her, to anyone. The things I did to the guys, and their old ladies, at Phoenix… it was like I watched someone else doing those things. It was like watching a monster inhabit my body, and take revenge for a man I knew, deep down, didn’t fucking deserve it. What the hell had broken inside me, that I could do those awful things? Was it fixable? Was I fixable? I could feel panic welling inside me again, and I clenched my fists against the onslaught of emotions crashing into me. I shouldn’t have run from the club. I should have been man enough to take their punishment, their destruction of me, because I fucking deserved it.
I dropped down on the bed, my breaths coming in harsh gasps. I grabbed the laptop and logged in, moving to my remote app for making calls. I inputted the number I knew I shouldn’t be calling, and waited while it rang, my body literally trembling with a whole bunch of shit I couldn’t put a name to… but she could.
“Dr Lissa Silver,” her voice rang out confidently, and I shuddered. Silver? She fucking married him?
I opened my mouth to speak, but only a tortured breath escaped, and she heard it.
“Who is this? Are you okay? Do you need help?” Help. Ha. Like I deserved that.
I took a deep breath.
“I need to come back,” I choked out, hearing her shocked gasp in response, “It’s time to let them kill me.”
She was silent for a moment, and I heard a door closing in the background, shockingly loud over my ragged breathing.
“Micro? Take a deep breath for me,” she practically commanded, but I couldn’t. My lungs wouldn’t work.
“It’s what I… deserve…” I gasped out, as tears burned my eyes, and blinded me, as they spilled over my cheeks. “I’m… I’m a monster.”
She cleared her throat delicately, and I was attuned to her, to my only living relative, and that’s the only reason I even heard it.
“Micro, please, just take a deep breath for me, and another… that’s right … just try to calm down for me.” For her. It sounded so weird, but I think it was the only reason it was working, because I hadn’t been able to do it for me, but I owed her for what I’d done. My eyes still leaked with my sorrow and regret, like I’d turned into a fucking pussy, but I managed to take a few deep breaths, and my hands started to tingle, as oxygen found my lungs again.
“God… I’m so sorry, Lissa, I’m such… a fucking ass… hole…” Nope, the breathing thing had left me again.
“Please, Micro, I understand that you’ve been hit by some semblance of remorse, but you’ll make yourself ill. You need to breathe, please.” Jesus. She was too nice for her own good. Someone would abuse that to suit their own sick needs.
“Get Ice, tell him I’ll come in. I’m ready to die… I’m ready… before I accidentally hurt… her…”
“Her who? Micro, is someone else there? Are your urges leading you to hurt them?”
Hurt… Jesus, she got right to the point, didn’t she? Maybe she was a good shrink, I mean, everyone at Phoenix seemed to think so.
“She’s so good… she’s so fucking sweet, and… I… don’t deserve… I don’t… I deserve to die horribly for the… things I did…” I could barely speak, because the fucking emotional shit had hit like a sledgehammer. I was talking to my sister, a woman I nearly murdered, because I’d lost my mind over that fucking club. Over revenge. Over my dad’s murderers getting to live happy lives. Only he’d fucking deserved it, hadn’t he? He’d been a monster, and he’d made me one too.
“I should… I need to…” I couldn’t say it, but suddenly it was clear. If I had the balls to try and fucking be with a woman I didn’t deserve, then I should have the balls to end my life, and avenge the right people this time. Phoenix MC. My victims .
“Micro, just breathe for a minute, this is just… what do you need to do? Make amends? I can help you try.”
She had no place offering to help me with shit, and she knew it. She really was too fucking pure for our world, just like Soph. Jesus, Soph . I had to make sure she was protected from me.
“I shouldn’t be alive, but I can make things right,” I mumbled distractedly, “I can keep her safe from me.”
“MICRO! Stop . Please just stop, and talk to me. You… don’t do something drastic.”
I hovered my finger over the button to disconnect the call.
“No, this is the first right decision I’ve made in a fucking long time. Tell them I’m going to make it right. They were right to kill him, but they shoulda killed me too.”
“No, Micro! Wait, just…”
“I fucking knew it. He’s on the phone right now? That cunt!” I heard Ice in the background, and it was a good thing, because he’d keep her from stopping me.
“Ice, no! He’s… he’s full of remorse, and he’s on the edge-” A scuffle sounded, and then he was on the phone with me.
“On the edge, are you, fucker? How can I help you fucking fall over it? Remorse? You wouldn’t have a fucking clue what that word means!”
I could hear my sister begging for the phone back, and suddenly I cared about the fallout of my decision to call her at all. What was happening to me?
“Ice, brother-”
“NOT your fucking brother, you hear me? You don’t fucking call my old lady, and mess with her head like this! You know she’ll fucking help, because she can’t not be a good person, but you-”
“Don’t deserve it, I know. That’s what I was telling her. Give me a place, man, I’ll be there, and you can end me. I swear, I’m done hiding. I’m ready-”
“Wow, how big of you! Ready to die now? Maybe if you hadn’t run like a pussy, you’d already be there!”
Fuck’s sake, why couldn’t he just understand that I was finally doing the right thing, even if I’d done only the wrong things up until now? Didn’t that count for anything?
“I’m doing it, for fuck’s sake! I’ll kill myself right now, you won’t have to worry-”
The bedroom door suddenly flew open, and Soph stood there with a key, and a panicked look on her face.
“Lowell! What the hell is going on?”
“ Lowell?! Jesus, whoever you are, darlin’, run. Get the fuck out of there before-” I slammed the button to end the call, cutting Ice off mid-sentence.