19 #3
“Stop acting like anything we had was normal and it was one, yes.”
“Thank you.”
“But?” he hedged.
I let out a slow breath and turned to face him, taking off my suit jacket before leaning my elbows back against the bar.
I ignored the glance he cut to my breasts since he immediately looked back to my eyes.
“But it feels like I also just lost something? Like something was taken from me because I didn’t act the way you wanted? ”
“That’s not how I meant it at all.”
“I know, and logically… I don’t have any experience with healthy relationships, Onyx. This type or any as you’ve probably figured out.”
“You have Treena,” he argued.
I snickered. “There has always been a wall so thick between us because we will both rule—and now I do rule—countries that aren’t friends and are neighbors. Yes, she is the best friend I’ve ever had, but what troubles me most I have to hide from her. Constantly.”
“I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine.”
I nodded and let out a slow breath. “That’s my life. I’m sorry, but it is.”
“That’s hard for me to accept.”
“That’s more than understandable,” I said and then sat on the barstool.
“I don’t know I could do the same. It’s not fair.
It’s not, but that’s just reality.” I gestured around me.
“Life isn’t fair. It’s just not. I don’t want to do any of this with all of them and…
” I swallowed loudly and let out a slow breath.
“I’m sorry I made the decision for you.”
“What decision?” he asked, searching my face for an answer I hadn’t really given him yet but was trying to.
In my emotionally stunted way.
I talked in a bit of a circle, explaining what I’d realized and I’d basically acted like Benson and how gross that was to make that decision for someone else.
Except I didn’t say it was Benson or tell him about that situation, simply that doing that to someone was gross and I was sorry I’d treated him that way and he deserved better.
I wasn’t sure how long I’d rambled, but then he was cupping my face and brushing his lips over mine.
“You’re going to explode if you keep going,” he whispered. “I hear you. I get it. You were drowning and let me go so you didn’t hurt me.”
I blinked back tears. “I am drowning, and I will hurt you in ways you won’t recover from. I’m too far gone now to ever consider being—I can’t have anything healthy now. They destroyed me too badly.”
“Who? Who did?” he rasped, begging me to let him in.
I sniffled and didn’t answer, finishing what I needed to say.
“So I won’t make the decision for you, but please don’t leave me with the guilt of destroying you too, okay?
That’s what will happen. I can’t give you what you need—what you deserve.
I can’t now, and that’s not a sin I can carry knowing—”
He kissed me again, deeper this time. “No, no, please don’t say it.
” He hugged me tightly and buried his face in my neck.
“Please, I want only you. My dragon knows you’re our future.
Whatever happened, let me carry it, Sagan.
I know I can. I’ll walk through this with you however you need.
All I need is for you to stop turning away from me. ”
“I can’t let you in,” I whispered, my voice cracking. “I can’t.”
“But you did. You let me in tonight. That’s all I need.” He leaned away and searched my eyes. “Stop sending me away. That’s what I mean. Let me be here with you. That’s all I want. You don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to explain. I can carry the rest.”
“That’s not fair.”
He bobbed his head and wiped tears I hadn’t realized had fallen. “Neither is whatever the fuck happened that has hurt you this much, and all I want is to help you survive this. So let me. Let me help you and be here so you’re not alone in all this pain. Please. Please?”
“That’s so selfish of me,” I argued.
“Not when I offer. Not when I know what is happening.”
“But you don’t,” I snapped and tried to push him away, sliding off the stool and getting past him.
He spun me to face him and his eyes were hard. “Yeah, I have a pretty good damn guess. At least part of it because you have that same destroyed air around you that I’ve had at my family’s betrayal. That’s why you are getting along with Thorn and Ayao. We all know that.”
I broke his hold and backed away. “Don’t.”
He swallowed loudly and moved closer. “And Fraser keeps hovering. Yes, he loves you—your family truly loves you—but he looks at you with panic sometimes. Maple, Darren, and Fraser seem hollow from whatever happened—Benson too, and Belinda is on a warpath to scorch the ground around you. Fraser keeps seeming panicked though.”
“Stop,” I breathed, begging really.
“And there’s only one conclusion I keep going back to that fits.”
My lower lip quivered as my back bumped the wall and I slid to the floor. “Don’t.”
“What did you find that said your parents didn’t want you to be queen, baby girl?” he asked so gently that I knew his heart was in tatters for me.
So the dam that had been holding it all back broke.