10. Sydney
Karl thought he was too good for boner pills when we were together, but he also got butt hurt when I bought a Hitachi wand and one of those Rose vibrators after reading reviews that anything above the second setting would give you an orgasm so hard, you died.
He was on the boner pills for this one, but she’d be better off with the Rose because Karl thought a woman should get off in five minutes if he was down there, but didn’t have five-minute skills like Nero and Celix did.
She was sleeping when he entered the bedroom. I didn’t know how she felt about random wakeups because he was in the mood, but it wasn’t my favorite. Especially how he did it. He was still doing it. He loomed over her and just kept prodding her with his finger until she woke up.
“Please tell me you punched him in the dick if he did that with you. That is not how you wake someone up for sex,” Kujo said.
“Are you kidding? He’s a total narc and the cops would side with him. It would be like I assaulted their nuts over sex. They’d hold my black belt against me. It was self-preservation. I’m too pretty for prison and I’m not into girls. It’d be poetic if she thumped his nuts before the show starts.”
“What’s happening here?” Nero asked. “He’s interrupting her sleep, but whatever he took is not as effective as an incubus potion because he’s not erect.”
“Not sure about this relationship, but when we were married, he only wanted sex when it was inconvenient and I had to help him get started. He’s waking her up because he’s on a power trip, not because he’s actually horny.”
“This is just one of the many reasons I’m into girls,” Wrathhog said. “Look, she’s awake, and she looks annoyed. I’m guessing he didn’t pull this shit when your relationship was new or you would have left.”
“He was either a completely different person or he just hid who he was.”
“Well, she looks pissed, but she’s going for it. As soon as he gets turned on, then it’s on,” Celix said.
My ex’s young new girlfriend went for it. I always told him to get fucked and went back to sleep. He didn’t want it when I initiated because we were both conscious and unbusy. She’d grow out of that if Nero’s magic didn’t ruin everything.
I saw it the minute things changed. Karl started turning a bit green, but he didn’t ask her to stop. She was like, barely twenty. He couldn’t keep up with me, so there was no way in fuck he was going to keep up with her. He’d never admit that either, so I didn’t think he was going to stop her.
Yeah, we all yelled when he erupted all over her. I didn’t think it was possible for one person to puke that much. I’d say I felt bad it got all over her, but she knew he was married and she’d sent me a few messages on social media gloating about it.
I might never have punched him in the dick, but it was eye level with her and she certainly did. The mirror thing had sound, so we could hear everything.
“This is not working anymore. You lied about how much money you make, you expect me to pick up after you and wait on you hand and foot, and you aren’t even writing.
You talk about writing your book, but you’ve never even sat down and wrote a paragraph.
How am I supposed to be the wife of a famous writer if you never actually write anything? I want you out. Go back to your wife.”
“She’s missing. You know this. If I can have her declared dead and get her bank account and catalog, I’ll have money. Don’t do this.”
“That’s pathetic. I don’t want the ex-husband of a successful writer. I want a best-selling author. Get out of my apartment or I’m calling my brother.”
Karl was green, but he went a paler shade of green as soon as she mentioned her brother. He started scrambling around for his clothes while she stomped off to presumably take a shower in bleach since she had chunks in her hair.
Karl and I didn’t have the kind of relationship where I paid more of our bills and I also did all the cooking and housework.
He resented the fuck out of my success, but he never demanded I wait on him.
I wasn’t sure why he was expecting all that from his new girlfriend when I knew he was perfectly capable of cooking and picking up after himself.
“Bitch,” Karl muttered.
He didn’t immediately leave her house, even with the brother threat looming over his head. He walked to her fridge and pulled the milk out. What the fuck was he doing? Karl was lactose intolerant, so he wasn’t going to drink it after he projectile vomited on his girlfriend and got dumped.
“Is my magic broken or is he about to make a bowl of cereal?” Nero asked.
“Something tells me if she catches him eating in her kitchen after all that, her brother is the least of his concerns,” Kujo said.
“Is he…,” Celix asked.
He didn’t have to finish. We could all see what Karl was trying to do. He was leaving, but he was going to jerk off in her milk first. Gross. Messing with people’s food was where I drew the line.
The dumbass got violently ill every time he got a boner and hadn’t put two and two together yet. And again, he didn’t stop jerking on his dick when he started feeling ill. He got violently sick all over her kitchen and it was loud enough for her to hear in the shower.
Wrathhog and I both started cackling like hags when she flew in the kitchen with a baseball bat and chased him out of her house without a stitch of clothing on.
“Nero, I am a big fan of all your magic. Can I keep you?” I asked.
Nero actually preened.
“That was my first time seeing that bit of it in action.”
There was a knock on the door and servants started spilling in with food.
“You need to eat now because something tells me the longer you stay in bed, the more we’re going to be peeling you off the walls,” Kujo said.
He was right. Kujo might not like me, but he could read me like an open book.