34. Theo
THIRTY-FOUR
THEO
As I step into my house, I still can’t believe what an incredible idiot I am.
Matteo and I had been having such a good day. We went to Cheyenne, I bought him things that warmed my heart at the thought he would have something of mine, and we held hands in public like a proper couple. But somehow, like with everything else in my life, I managed to fuck it up.
I really didn’t mean to say we were married. Like I told him, it was just a reflex after five years of giving the same rehearsed answer. The worst part? The look on his face when I did. It was like all the blood rushed out of him, like everything that made him charismatic and mine flew out the window at my words.
I hated it, and I hate even more that it lingered all through the drive back to Smallville and when I dropped him off. It was a harsh reminder of the truth we’ll never live and the lies that we’ve created.
It’s starting to weigh on me, especially when I walk into the living room and see Clara sitting by her computer, holding a cup of tea, smiling when she spots me.
“Honey,” she says, setting down her cup. “You’re home! I was just about to call you. I haven’t heard from you all day.”
“Yeah, sorry,” I mumble, scratching the back of my neck. She waves me over for a kiss that I’m hesitant to give, but I do. My brows furrow when I catch something on the screen. “Why are you looking at houses in Cheyenne?”
She stiffens just a tad before closing her laptop. She sits up straight and looks me dead in the eyes, determination in her features. “I was thinking they might be for us.”
“What?” I gasp, shaking my head. “You want to move to Cheyenne?”
“I think maybe we’ve grown out of Smallville,” she explains. “If we want to grow and build a family, we need somewhere new and fresh. Don’t you think?”
“No,” I say quickly, feeling overwhelmed by both sets of information. I shake my head, take a step back, and gape at her. “Clara, no.”
“No?” she asks, setting her lips in a tight line. “What do you mean, no ? This is a decision we have to make together.”
“Like you were making it together when you went to look at houses?” I snap, shaking my head at her. “Doesn’t seem like you really wanted my input.”
She breathes out roughly through her nose, obviously trying to temper her reaction to my tone. “I was just looking, honey. I think we should talk about it.”
I don’t want to talk about it. It’s preposterous, us moving somewhere else when we’ve been here all our life. Absolutely ridiculous. There’s no way in hell I’m doing this with her.
Matteo .
I’d have to leave him behind, my baby, and I refuse to do that. Even though we’ve sobered today, we’re far from over. We’ll never be over, not when he’s wound so deep in my veins, not when he’s lodged so perfectly in my heart.
Not when I love him.
“This isn’t up for discussion,” I grit out, cutting my hand through the air. “I’m not moving.”
Clara purses her lips, but her first instinct isn’t anger. She mulls over my words, tipping her head to the side before sighing. “I’m sorry.” She looks up at me, a touch of embarrassment in her expression as she shrugs. “Just promise you’ll think about it? In time, I think you could see this is the best thing for us.”
She gets up just like that, leaving me baffled at her words. I collapse onto the couch, propping my elbows on my knees, and letting my face drop in my hands.
What a mess .
Once again, the thought of leaving hits me.
Just leave her.
You’re not in love with her.
You’ve found someone else.
But, once again, that’s too daunting to deal with. I’d… I can’t do that. Something is holding me back, screaming at me that I have to stay, but how much longer can I keep this up? How much longer can things go on like this? Something needs to change.
But what ?
I can’t think, so I take out my phone, thumbing through my contacts before I find the number I’m looking for.
Me: I had a great day today.
I hold my breath, racing and confused heart driving me a bit dizzy, and sigh in relief when I get a text back.
Matteo: Me too. Have a good night, precioso .
And everything settles within me.