35. Matteo
THIRTY-FIVE
MATTEO
It’s been three days.
As confession goes on, I listen to my parishioners confess their deepest sins, that thought wiggles in the back of my head.
Three days since I’ve seen Theo, and I’m no closer to wrapping my head around what to do about our situation. He’s called and texted, hasn’t stopped by, and I think that’s for the best. What happened earlier this week is still weighing on me, and everything I’ve tried to ignore about our situation has plagued me.
Marcy’s in the kitchen making me some dinner, floating around like she owns the place, and I can’t say how much I appreciate her company. If she weren’t here, I might do something impulsive like cave and tell Theo to come see me. But I can’t see him until I’ve made up my mind about what to do.
Do we continue with this lie for as long as we can, do we stop, or do we actually do something about it?
All these questions get pushed aside as Marcy brings our dinner to the table, setting my plate of steak and potatoes in front of me as she pours me a glass of water. She cocks her head to the side and frowns. “Sugar, you okay? I made your favorite.”
I clear my throat and shake my head, forcing a smile as I pick up my knife. “Sorry, just tired. It looks wonderful, Marcy. Thank you for making this for me.”
“Of course,” she says with a smile, sitting down beside me. “Let’s say grace and dive in.”
We both dip our heads down and take each other’s hands as I walk through the prayer with practiced ease. When we’re done, she fluffs her napkin and places it on her lap. “So, did you bless the holy water we got this morning?”
I nod as I cut into my steak. “Yes.”
“And did you get around to making the muffins for our next drop-ins?”
“Exactly to the recipe you left me.”
“Okay. Is Theo coming over tonight?”
“No. He’s—” I cut myself off. My head whips up as my eyes widen, taking in her serious expression. My blood runs cold, and I fight the urge to bolt and hide, forcing myself to stay in the seat. I try to school my features and act casual, shaking my head. “Wait, why would Theo come by?”
She gives me a pointed look. It’s not disappointment but something close to it. “There’s no use denying it, Father. I heard you in the confessional a few weeks ago and nobody prays to God that hard.”
I’m at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say. All I can do is open and close my mouth like an idiot, completely unprepared and unaware of how to proceed. “Marcy?—”
“I’m not your mother and I’m not the Lord, so I can’t judge you, but damn. I really want to,” she says when she cuts me off with a wave of her hand. “How long have you two been seein’ each other?”
I could completely deny what she’s saying, regardless of how she heard us. If I don’t say it, she won’t have any proof, and it’ll just be speculation. But I know Marcy, and when she’s on something, there’s no stopping her. She’ll wiggle out the truth one way or another, and there’s no denying what she heard. “Since the retreat.”
She hums, taking in the information. “Does anybody else know?”
“No, I don’t think so,” I say with a shake of my head. I peer at her cautiously, waiting for her to call me a monster—cruel and unforgivable—or just an asshole in her colorful language. “Are you going to say anything?”
She thinks about it for a moment before shaking her head. “If Clara asks me, I’m goin’ to be honest with her. Besides that, it’s not my business, but I’m not goin’ to lie for you two.”
Relief floods me. “Thank you?—”
“That doesn’t mean I think what you’re doin’ is okay,” she continues, sighing as she pinches the bridge of her nose. “Shit, Father. What were you thinkin’? Do you realize how many people you’re goin’ to hurt when this comes out?”
“When?” I ask, heart racing. “I thought you said you weren’t going to share this with anybody.”
“So what? You two are just goin’ to keep sneakin’ around for the rest of your lives? Is this arrangement permanent? He’s not goin’ to leave Clara and you’re not goin’ to leave the church?”
All her questions hit me in rapid fire. Things I’ve thought about that I’ve pushed aside. Once again, it weighs on me, heavier than before now that somebody else is in the know. It’s still all so confusing and both my brain and my heart don’t know how to handle it, but Marcy’s not going to settle for that. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” she repeats with a snort. “I thought you were smart. How did you think this was goin’ to end?”
I simply didn’t. I was living in the moment until all the dominos fell and it became unavoidable, until I had to face it. “I don’t know,” is all I can say because it’s the truth.
“Do you love him?” she asks, gentleness in her voice as she reaches for my hand. “Do you love Theo, sugar?”
“Yes,” I breathe, my voice cracking on a sobbed chuckle. I look up at her with watery eyes like I’m searching for some reassurance that what I feel is okay. “Yes, Marcy. I’m in love with him.”
She nods as she squeezes my hands, lips set in a firm line. “That makes this so much more complicated.”
“I know.”
“What about God? Have you thought about him?”
What about God?
Is it bad that I’ve also pushed Him to the back of my mind? My ever-present figure, my cornerstone, has been nothing but an afterthought since this started. Like everything else, I’ve avoided thinking about Him because the vow I’ve made would ruin everything between me and Theo.
I made a promise, a commitment, and I’ve been shitting on that since the first time I realized I had feelings for mi precioso . Now, I have to face it. What if Theo were to decide that he wanted to be with me? What if we took that leap? I would be breaking my vow to the one person who saw me through the darkness. My saving grace when I needed one the most.
I left Jacob because even though I loved him, he wasn’t enough to take away the cravings for nothingness, but maybe Theo is?
“I don’t know what to do,” I cry, holding onto her hand like a tether. “I want to be with him, Marcy.”
“I think that’s your answer, sugar,” she says, patting my hand. “Looks like you need to talk to your man before you make any decisions though. That’s what I would do before you go knocking on their door profession’ your undyin’ love.”
I nod, knowing she’s right. Before I do anything rash, I need to make sure this is something Theo wants too. I need to make sure we’re on the same page and that he’s willing to blow up his entire life to be with me.
I also need to decide if I want to forsake everything I’ve done to keep the demons at bay to do the same.