50. Matteo
FIFTY
MATTEO
“Billy, be careful!”
It doesn’t matter how much I say it, Billy is a lively and spirited child, so of course he’s swinging upside down from the bars on the playground. The part of me that feels a certain paternal pull towards him is terrified that he might fall and crack open his skull, so I rush to him.
“Father Matteo, look!”
“Yes, I know,” I say calmly, even though my heart is racing as I help him down. “But we can’t swing like that, or we might get hurt.”
Completely ignoring my worry, he points at the swings as he bounces on his heels. “Can I do that next?”
I chuckle and ruffle his hair. “Okay but not for too long. Marcy will have dinner ready at home in half an hour.”
“Okay!”
I don’t know if he actually heard what I said, but I still laugh. I’ve worked with children before, for the better part of a decade, so I know sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other. So, I make my way to the little bench by the seesaw and wait for him. Nothing happens in Smallville, but I do make sure to keep him in my line of sight.
There’s a small gasp behind me that has me turning my head quickly, but I’m the one who gasps when I see who it is. “Clara…”
She looks just like I remember her. Beautiful, elegant, with kind eyes, and an even kinder smile. Wearing a wool coat, she’s dressed for the late fall weather. If everything hadn’t happened between us, I would have thought this was just another average day for her.
But she moved away from Smallville.
She moved away with Theo .
What is she doing back here?
She looks at me like she’s seen a ghost, more than likely the same way I’m regarding her. I stand on instinct, not quite sure what I think I’m doing, and she takes a step forward. We’re stuck, the bench between us, simply staring at each other in shock. One of us has to speak first, there’s no doubt that words are going to be exchanged, and I find myself being the one to break the silence.
“Clara.”
Brilliant .
“Father Matteo,” she gulps, running her hand down her coat in a nervous tick. “You’re not in your collar.”
Like a phantom limb, I raise my hand to my neck, indeed feeling the absence of what used to adorn my throat for years. I smile as sincerely as I can despite my nerves and nod. “It’s just Matteo now.”
Her eyes widen. “Oh. I see…”
Awkwardness settles around us. What exactly are we supposed to say? What would be right in this situation? It’s not that I’ve been actively avoiding this, but it’s just never seemed like a possibility to run into her again. But… But I’m sober now. I’m healthy. I’m happy.
Amends need to be made.
“Do you think you’d like to sit?” I ask, gesturing to the bench between us. “There’s something I’d like to say.”
Staring at the seat like it’s on fire, she hesitates. After a minute, she nods and rounds the bench. She and I sit, keeping a country’s distance between us, and I turn to her. “Clara, there are some things I wish I would have said to you.”
“There are some things I’d like to say to you too,” she mumbles, but there’s conviction and determination in her eyes now. To my memory, Clara was always a confident and self-assured woman. No doubt there are things she wished she could get off her chest and now is her chance.
“Please,” I say, signaling for her to continue. “I’m here to listen.”
“I… You ruined my marriage,” she begins, just a touch of anger in her voice. She sighs, shutting her eyes briefly for a second before continuing. “But you didn’t. Theo and I had problems before you showed up.”
“But that doesn’t excuse our actions,” I rush in, not wanting her to think I’m blameless in all of it. “You two were married and I was your priest. What we did was wrong.”
She nods. “It was but… Is the world really black and white?” She looks out into the distance, watching the falling leaves for a brief moment. Speaking in the direction of nothing in particular, her voice cracks. “I’ve… I’ve moved on.”
I cock a brow. “How so?”
“Theo and I are divorced.”
Something in my gut drops. Something in my heart flips. Terribly selfish thoughts emerge. Hope blossoms where it shouldn’t. Guilt eats at me. A fluttering of emotions that I once would have needed alcohol to move past hit me. I resist the urge to fall into old patterns of thinking and keep my head up. The past is the past. All I can do is move forward with the information I’ve been given and say what’s honest in my heart. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Are you?” She looks at me and isn’t angry, at least I don’t think she is, and she shrugs. “It wasn’t working, Fa—Matteo. Our marriage was over before you ever showed up. It just took him cheating to force me to see it.”
“How have you been?” I’m genuinely curious, coming from a place of kindness, and that spot in my heart that’s always been called to help others. “If you want to talk?—”
“I’ve been traveling,” she says quickly, cutting me off. “After the divorce, I was going to come here, but I realized it was too soon. So, instead, I used the money I had put aside for a baby and went to Europe.”
I swallow, not quite sure what to say. “Europe sounds nice.”
“That’s all?” She chuckles, but it’s not out of malice, more out of being the only one brave enough to talk about the elephant in the room. “You’re not going to comment about the fact that I’m a thirty-year-old woman with no husband and no child?”
I shake my head. “Everyone’s journey is different.”
“Mine wasn’t supposed to be,” she whispers, looking down at her gloved hands. “I was supposed to be married to the love of my life with a baby on my hip. I’ve accepted that it’s not happening, but it still hurts.”
Before I can even think about it, my hand is on her shoulder. I think for a second she’ll recoil at the touch, but she simply leans into the comfort. “God gives us challenges in life. He has a plan for all of us.”
She blinks up at me, wet lashes fanning against the top of her cheeks. “You really think so? How can you talk about God like that? Aren’t you abandoning him?”
It’s a question I dealt with while making my decision. Truthfully, leaving the church could be seen as a defiance to God, but I don’t think it is. I don’t need a house of worship to believe in Him and understand that the world works the way it should. My faith is still unwavering, I just know I can do the most good in other ways.
“He’s still with me. Just like He’s still with you, Clara,” I say softly with a generous smile. “When you need Him the most, He’ll always be there.”
When she starts to sniffle, I take the tissues I brought for Billy out of my pocket and hand one to her. “Thank you. What are you doing these days?”
I suck in a sharp breath, the thrill and excitement of my future coursing through me, but of course, it’s lined with natural trepidation. “I’m moving back to North Carolina. I’ll be joining an old friend of mine at his summer camp.”
Jarred wants to expand the camp to include adults who need spiritual and emotional healing, something along the lines of a retreat of sorts for the off-season, and I thought it was a wonderful idea. What that looks like for me, I’m not sure, but I’ll be there to put my head down and work. I’ll help in any way I can.
“And that’s what you wanted to say?”
I shake my head. Clara was always blunt in the most charming way possible. Trying to keep it together for both our sakes, I smile. “I want to apologize,” I say simply, even though the situation is anything but that. “I played a part in hurting you. I know I can never take away the pain I caused, but I need you to know it was never my intention to cause you any harm. I simply…”
“You fell in love,” she finishes for me, a weak smile on her lips. “Yeah, I get it.”
“You shouldn’t,” I mutter, dropping my hand and my head. “You should be enraged by what I did. I violated the sanctity of your marriage. I?—”
This time, she’s the one that’s comforting me. She places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “There were a lot of things everyone could have done differently. Theo could have not cheated, you could have not broken your vow, and I could have realized my worth sooner. But like you said, He works in mysterious ways, right?”
I nod. Looking into her pretty eyes, I try to make sure that my heart and soul are open to her. “I’m sorry, Clara. I’m so sorry.”
“I…” She lets out a deep breath and looks away. “I think one day I’ll forgive the two of you but just not yet. Can you understand that?”
“Of course,” I say. “I wish you a life of happiness, Clara. Whatever that looks like, I wish that you’re given the world.”
She shrugs and takes her hand away. “We’ll see. Maybe having a baby with Theo wasn’t right, but I still want one someday. I guess we’ll just have to see?—”
“Father Matteo! Father Matteo!”
At the sound of Billy’s cry, I jump off the bench. Racing towards the swings, I see he’s fallen and scraped his knee. I get down beside him to look at it. It’s just a scratch, but sometimes to a child, that’s everything. “Billy?—”
“What’s this?”
I stop my words and glance up to see Clara has come along with me. She sits beside us on the ground, reaching for Billy’s leg, and examines it. “Uh oh.”
“W-What?” Billy asks, trying to see what Clara sees on his leg. “Is it bad?”
“Bad?” Clara asks in a mock gasp, just a touch of humor in her voice. “I think we’ll need to cut it off!”
“ What !”
“Or…” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a peppermint. “Or maybe I have the magic cure. A secret type of medicine that heals all wounds immediately.”
Billy, who closed his eyes, peeks one eye open. “Even boo-boos?”
“Even boo-boos.” She hands him the candy and he greedily takes it, biting down hard. “So, Billy, do you feel better now?”
He nods, and instead of hiding behind me like he does with strangers, he reaches a hand out to her. “I like you.”
“Aw,” she coos, shaking his little hand. “I like you too.”
An idea springs into my mind. Maybe a slightly awkward and uncomfortable one, but I speak before I can think too much about it. “Clara, we were about to go to Marcy’s for dinner. Would you like to join Billy and me?”
Clara’s eyes widen and it looks like she’s going to politely excuse herself, but then she looks at the hopeful expression on Billy’s face and her features soften. “I would love that.”
I help both her and Billy to their feet, and he immediately latches onto her leg. “We’re looking for a new family for me. Wanna help?”
She looks shocked by his words, but Marcy and I have never lied to Billy. Despite being just a child, he’s supremely intelligent for his age. His life has taught him to be smart and alert, to see what adults are hiding, and we felt no need to keep the truth from him.
Clara’s eyes water and she pats the top of his head. “I’d love to help you find a new family.”
And as the three of us walk down the path leading to the main street, I smile.
Because He truly does work in mysterious ways.