49. Theo
FORTY-NINE
THEO
“She’ll see you now.”
I suck in a sharp breath and whip my head up. My eyes snap to the polite and sweet receptionist who’s beckoning me to follow her through the double doors. Shelly is her name. I took her out on a couple of dates a few weeks ago. She was nice—likes long walks by the lake and dogs—but it didn’t work out.
For obvious reasons.
I clutch the letter tighter in my grip as I stand and follow her. This same damn letter that’s been haunting me for the last two weeks. I haven’t been able to get it out of my head and reading it about two dozen times probably hasn’t helped. Still, I hold onto it like a territorial lion, nearly snapping my jaws when Shelly glances at it with curiosity.
“So, did you see that the Fall Festival is starting up again?” she asks, tucking a strand of strawberry blonde hair behind her ear. “Maybe you’re interested in going?”
Memories of this time last year assault me. I don’t let myself get dragged into the past and consider her question. The old Theo would have flustered for a response and just agreed but that’s not me anymore. I smile politely but shake my head. “Sorry, Shelly, but I’ll have to take a rain check. You have fun, though.”
A little embarrassed, she ducks her head as we approach the door. She waves at it and scurries away. While I hate that I made her feel bad, there’s no point in being anything but respectfully honest. At least, as honest as you can be when you’re turning someone down.
I take a deep breath as I open the door she led me to. Inside, Emily waits for me, her pen tapping in a gentle rhythm against her writing pad. She gets on her feet to greet me and has the same comforting smile that led me to choosing her as my therapist a few months ago.
“Theo,” she says, meeting me halfway to shake my hand. “Lovely to see you again.” She gestures for me to sit and does so herself. She’s silent for a moment before clearing her throat. “Not that you’re unwelcome here, but we weren’t scheduled to meet for another week.”
At first, I visited Emily once a week. After I became comfortable with her coping techniques and affirmative words, I scaled back to once every two weeks, and then once a month. However, the letter I hold in my hand is something I can’t tackle alone, and I need help deciphering my thoughts.
“Where would you like to start?” she questions, knowing that it’s best to get straight to the point with me. If I’m given wiggle room, I tend to teeter, even though that’s something I’ve been working on. Her eyes dart to my hands when I don’t respond after a minute. “Is that something you’d like to share today?”
I lick my lips and think about what she’s taught me.
Be honest.
Say what you need.
When this happens, it makes me feel… I need…
“Remember Matteo?” I ask, crinkling the edges of the letter. “Um, the priest from Smallville?”
Emily knows all about my affair. It took two months of weekly therapy to be able to confide in her about what happened with Matteo and Clara. Thinking I would be judged, I was nervous at first, until I realized it’s what she’s here for. To listen, to understand, and to help. There was no point in lying to her, not if I wanted to become the best version of myself, which was the entire point of starting therapy.
Scribbling something on her notepad, she nods. “Yes, I remember Matteo. I’m guessing he reached out?”
“He did,” I mumble. “Um, he started drinking again. And I?—”
“We discussed this, Theo,” she says, kindly but firmly. “You aren’t responsible for other people’s actions. That’s on them. You can only control what you do and say.”
I nibble on my bottom lip. “Yeah, no, I know that. I mean, when I first read it, I felt guilty, but I can’t control what other people are going to do.”
She smiles. “Good. Now that I know you’re not feeling guilty, what’s going on? Do you want to share what else it said?”
I hesitate. For some reason, my old habit of deflection comes rushing back. I practically have to force myself to open up, no matter how uncomfortable it is, because I truly need guidance. “He’s leaving the church.”
“And you’re thinking of going back to him?”
My eyes widen. How the hell does she always know what I’m thinking? I gulp audibly, folding and unfolding the letter as I sift through my thoughts. “I… Is that bad?”
She shrugs. “I think that’s up to you to decide.” To this, I narrow my eyes. I hate when she answers shit like that, and she chuckles because, once again, she knows what I’m thinking. “You must make this decision on your own, Theo. Of course, I’m here to help you, but you have to tell me how.”
I look down at the letter, open now, and run my finger across his signature. Reaching deep within myself, I let out a breath, accompanied by a single tear. “I love him. I thought at first I’d grow out of it, but I don’t think you grow out of love.”
“Some people believe that, yes.”
“And I wanted to be my own person,” I rush out, wiping my wet cheek with the back of my hand. “I wanted to figure out who I was. I wanted to be okay…”
She finishes my sentence. “Being alone.”
That crippling loneliness. The thing I always feared the most. I’ve spent the better part of a year alone now, and it’s just as hard as I thought it would be. I’ve had nobody, but it’s been a blessing in itself. It helped me realize I had to be happy with myself. That I had to branch out and become someone who was okay keeping their own company. I’ve changed. I’m still me, but just a little more confident, a little more sure, a little more secure in myself.
I was in high school when I met my wife. So young and so green. I clung to her and her family when my parents died. I wasn’t a full person back then. Not saying I lacked for anything, but I just hadn’t gone through discovering who Theo was. Who I became was a direct correlation to who I needed to be around them. I never had the chance to explore and discover. Never had a chance to simply live.
Now that I have, things that used to confuse me don’t anymore. Things that used to terrify me seem so commonplace. I’m right where I need to be in life and finally happy with who I am apart from anybody else.
But…
“I think I always knew I’d choose him in the end, if he’d have me,” I whisper, hating that I sound so frail, like I’m going back on everything I’ve worked on. “Do you think that’s ruining the progress I’ve made?”
What I like about Emily is she thinks through her words. Like right now, she’s carefully considering what I said, letting it ruminate in her mind before coming up with a response. Finally, she shrugs again. “I think?—”
“That’s up to me to decide.”
“Got me.” She chuckles lightly, breaking the tension just a bit. “But being serious, I don’t think it does. I think your progress in just one year has been incredible. Still having feelings for this man isn’t a bad thing. Do you think you could tell me why you feel that way?”
“Because I’m running back to the man I cheated on my wife with.”
“The past is the past, Theo. You’ve forgiven yourself for that.”
“Because I’m independent now and shouldn’t need him.”
“We all need people.” She leans forward, a pencil tapping her chin, and frowns. “What’s really bugging you?”
More tears. Not gushing out of me but more like a slow-moving wave that’s gently filling the shore. My biggest fear is now my strength, but another fear has sprouted in its wake. “His letter sounded like a goodbye.”
She nods in understanding. “You already know what you want to do, don’t you?”
I nod. Even before I came here, I knew what I was going to do. The decision had been made. Maybe I just needed someone to say it’s okay, but I know Emily won’t ever tell me that. Not because she thinks it’s wrong but because it’s not her place. Like she said, it’s a decision I have to come to terms with myself. Something I have to decide. Not Clara, not her parents, and not Matteo. Not the expectations of me or the idea of what I should be.
Me .
“I want him back,” I finally say out loud, holding the letter tight against my chest. “I’m… I’m going back to Smallville for him.”
She nods with a pleased smile on her lips. “I think that’s a decision I support because you came to it all on your own. I’m proud of you, Theo.”
And the funny thing is, I’m proud of myself too.
I don’t know exactly how it’s going to work. I’ll have to sell the house here in Cheyenne eventually, but for now, I just need to be where he is. I’ll get an apartment and use the savings I’ve built this year to support myself. I’ll figure it out. All I know is that I have to give us a chance.
I loved my wife. Dearly. I loved what she gave me and the memories we had together. I never meant to hurt her, but I accept that I did. I’ve forgiven myself for the pain I’ve caused because my heart was never filled with hate for her. It was filled with nothing but joy.
Until it wasn’t.
Until the spark dimmed and I woke up one day and realized I didn’t recognize myself.
With Matteo, it was different. I had never felt so seen and supported. It’s like, for the first time in my life, I knew who I was. But only when I was with him. Without him, I felt so lost until I started seeing Emily. Then I realized that I always knew deep down who Theo was… I was just never given the chance to experience that.
Now that I know myself, I can say with certainty Matteo is the one who will bring out the very best in me. He says I made him a better person, but he has no idea the part he’s played in my journey. A journey I just hope we can continue together.
Because he’s leaving the church. Because I’m healthy. It wasn’t meant to be before. There were too many things in our way, things we both could and could not control.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s finally our time.