Chapter 48
FORTY-EIGHT
My dear Theo,
I’m not sure if I can call you that anymore. My dearest, my precioso, my heart… But that’s not why I’m writing to you. After all these months, all these moments that have passed without you, I think it’s finally time to say my piece. Maybe, in peace, we both can find our way to move on.
Have you moved on?
Fuck, this isn’t going the way I planned. I’ve rewritten this at least four times, but my message hasn’t changed. I can’t lie to you and say that I’ve forgotten us. Forgotten how perfect we were together and how incredible it all was. But that’s the thing. It was . Those times we spent together are in the past and, for better or worse, I’m working towards remembering it fondly, but understanding what our reality is now.
The reality is that I hope you’re happy. I hope you and Clara are living the life you both deserve. I…
I drank. I broke, my precioso. I caved to the demons and let them win. I’m not saying this to guilt you. It had nothing to do with you, even though it could be seen that way. It was me. The choices I made, and my reluctance to accept what I did led to it.
I was weak. I was a coward. I was trying to blame my own problems on everybody but myself. I hate that, but I have to accept it happened the way it happened, and life must continue on.
I’ve been sober for a few months now, you know? I run an AA meeting at the church three times a week. I’m trying to give back, to give comfort, to give hope.
Just like I have to give us closure.
You changed me, Theo. You made me remember the man I was, not ‘Father’ or a servant of the Lord, but me . It was something I didn’t realize I missed, and I see that now. A vow is meant to be forever but…
I haven’t told anybody yet. I don’t think I’ve even said it out loud to myself.
I’m leaving the church.
I can’t tell you exactly where this came from. I think it’s always been an itch in the back of my head and recent events have made it grow into an unbearably annoying persistence. I also could have been trying to deny it because this has been my life for the last eleven years.
You made me realize that in finding Christ, I’ve lost myself.
And I miss me .
This isn’t to say that I’m abandoning the Lord. I’ll still carry Him in my heart forever. The lessons He’s taught me are invaluable, but they’ve been learned, and now it’s time to walk away and apply them to my own life. A life I hope to be filled with joy and comfort and the call to help others, maybe just in a different way. I get to start anew as the person I want to be.
I can’t do that in Smallville.
I’ve reached out to Jarred, if you remember him, and he’s as forgiving and kind as I remember him to be. With open arms, he’s inviting me to Camp Acceptance to stay and try to reimagine and reshape what my life will look like. I think I’ll like the peace. I think the quiet of the wilderness and the familiarity will help me figure out my next steps.
Again, this wasn’t the point of this letter. But I can’t even write to you without letting you know how I’m doing, however selfish that might be.
I owe you an apology and I need to make amends for the part I played in complicating your life. I was a blip, one I don’t regret, but one I know you could have done without. In another life, we could have been…
You could have done without me, and while it hurts, I know it’s true.
So, I’ll wrap this up with an apology, a confession of remorse, and a flicker of hope. I’ll end this with gratitude, because you changed my life for the better, and you need to know that. May your life be beautiful, Theo.
You deserve all the good things.
Forever grateful,
Matteo