19. Ezra
Ezra
19
Our opening act wraps their set to a full house in Paris, and the roar of the crowd sends mixed feelings coursing through my veins. I’m pumped for the show. There’s only ever been two places I’ve truly felt at home, and that was on a stage or with Raleigh wrapped in my arms. But I never imagined that I’d be performing without Axel.
I’ve had two years to process that he’s gone, and I knew this day was going to come, but it still feels so fucking wrong. How am I supposed to look across the stage and see Jett instead of Ax? Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still put on the best show for the Parisians, but the whole time, there will be something . . . someone missing.
On the other hand, watching Rae dominate backstage just like she used to for our early gigs has me ready to throw her up against a wall for a whole new reason. The other night in her hotel room, I was a wreck. The day had been too much. I thought I could handle it, but being that close to her and feeling as though she were a stranger didn’t sit right with me.
I sense a darkness in her. Something has made her cold, and it’s more than just me and Ax abandoning her in Michigan. Something else left scars on her heart, and it kills me, but I’m not in a position to ask. Maybe this is what Axel had been sensing in those weeks before his death.
He had planned to visit her at college, though judging by the way he was talking, it was more of an intervention than a visit. He was going to find out what had her all messed up, make it better, and then return so we could complete this part of the tour. But that trip to visit her at college never happened.
The thought makes my hand shoot up to clasp Axel’s ring that’s hanging from a chain and resting over my heart. A wave of agonizing guilt rocks through me as I grip the cool metal.
That day fucking destroyed me, and now I somehow have to walk onto that stage as though everything is right in the world.
Fuck this. I was never supposed to do this without him.
Needing just a shred of normalcy, I watch Rae move around, ordering people into positions and making sure everything runs smoothly. It’s not her job, we have specific people to do this, but clearly she’s doing a hell of a better job at it than they ever have. She’s punctual and precise and not afraid to tell people to get fucked when they’re in the wrong, especially me.
This version of Rae reminds me of the girl I used to adore, the one who would barge into schools she didn’t attend and throw flyers down the stairwell, the girl who would so bravely call record labels and tell them they’re idiots for not having signed us already, the girl who would champion for us at every fucking turn. But that girl had her heart broken, and I don’t think she’ll ever be the same.
She hates me.
She looked me dead in the fucking eyes and told me that despite how much she’s loved me all of these years, she hates me, and those words crippled me in a way I’ll never be able to come back from.
She fucking hates me.
The agony of it all cascades over me, plunging me into a world of darkness, and as Rae makes her way over to Rock and Dylan, checking to see how they’re doing, all I can do is turn away.
There are fifteen minutes until we’re due on stage, and I weave my way through the backstage area until I find our dressing room. I barge through and crash down onto the small couch, hating that I see my reflection in the shitty mirror directly across from me.
Who the fuck places a mirror right there? I’m trying to avoid myself, not be forced to come face-to-face with it.
I’m a fucking joke. A fraud.
I look the part. Ripped black jeans with a barely buttoned shirt. Tattoos on display. Chains and rings and my signature messy hair. I’m the exact picture of what that roaring crowd out there has come to expect, but inside, everything is crumbling. Every day, I lose another piece of myself, and I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.
If Ax were here, he’d know how to make it right. Hell, if Ax were here, I wouldn’t be in this position. The tour would be over. We would have already released another album and already be hammering out the details of another world tour.
A knock sounds at the door before a woman with a headset barges in. “Five minutes,” she says.
I nod and let out a heavy breath, crashing back against the couch cushion as she hastily disappears, leaving me to endure the loneliness of my pity party. There’s only one thing, one person, capable of making this pain recede in my chest, but despite being only a few feet away, she’s so out of reach that I’ll never be able to catch her.
Another knock. “Two minutes, Ezra.”
Fuck.
Getting up, I make my way back out, feeling as though that moment of solitude did nothing but make everything worse. I’m a fucking wreck, and now I somehow have to get out there and perform for fifty thousand people.
I’m not ready. No amount of rehearsals or training is going to prepare me for having to face this without Axel.
“Woah,” Dylan says, clapping his hand on my back and looking me right in my eyes, forcing me to focus on him. “You good?”
“I can’t do it without him,” I say, feeling the world crumbling from under my feet. I’m sinking. I can’t do it.
“Snap the fuck out of it,” Dylan says, his fingers tightening on my shoulder. “You can do it and you will. There’s no time for this self-doubting spiraling bullshit. You have fifty thousand people out there screaming your fucking name.”
“You don’t think I know that?” I hiss.
He pulls away, bracing his hands at his temples. “FUCK.”
He paces for a second before looking back at Rock and Rae, but before he even gets a chance to call them over, Stacey and Jessica make themselves known. “What’s wrong? We’re still going on, right?”
“Yeah,” Dylan says, trying to sound as though he’s got this under control, as he eyes the execs from the label, trying to keep this from reaching them. “He just needs a second to relax is all.”
“Oh, ummm . . . ” Jessica says, lowering her tone as she cautiously looks around. “Call it unprofessional if you will, but sometimes I struggle with the same thing. I get really worked up before a big performance and need a little something to relax.”
“Keep talking,” Dylan says.
She pulls out a small bag of powder from within her costume, and I look at it longingly. That’ll more than do the trick.
“Fucking hell,” Dylan mutters, but knowing we have no choice, he nods. “Line him up, but be fucking discreet about it.”
“Okay,” she nods.
“I swear, Jessica,” Dylan warns. “If this gets out, I’ll protect my boy a million times over you. I’ll say you coerced him into doing it and you’ll be fired before you even get a chance to say I allowed it.”
“Yeah, okay,” she says, gripping my arm and starting to pull me away. “I’ve got it.”
I let her pull me away, and as she moves to the side of the stage, covered by a big, thick curtain, she pours the powder on the back of her hand. It’s not exactly the easiest line up, but she makes do with what little we have.
“Here,” she says, lifting her hand toward my face.
I go to lean in when a ray of fucking delight storms into us, shoving Jessica’s hand away from my face. “The fuck do you think you’re doing?” Rae demands, staring up at me with such anger and disappointment in those beautiful big eyes, it kills me.
“Don’t fucking start with me, Rae. I need this.”
“Like hell you do,” she spits, shoving Jessica right out of her way to get in my face. “You might be willing to go out there and ruin the legacy Axel left behind, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever allow you to do it. Pull your shit together, Ezra.”
“You don’t fucking get it,” I tell her, feeling myself slipping. “I can’t go out there without him.”
“Yes,” she says with the kind of confidence that pulls me up short. “You can. I know you, Ezra. You can do this.”
I shake my head. “You might think you know me, but you don’t. Not anymore,” I remind her just as Rock, Jett, and Dylan’s cue to take the stage comes through our inner ear speakers.
“That’s bullshit and you know it. No amount of time or distance can change the fact that I know you on a level that nobody else ever has or ever will, not even Axel,” she argues, stepping into me and gripping my arms as desperation flashes in those beautiful eyes. “You don’t need that shit. You never have, and despite how I feel about you right now, I am yours and you are mine, and all you’ve ever needed is me.”
The crowd roars for the boys. Their screaming is deafening, but nothing will keep me from hearing the words of this sweet angel before me.
“Ezra,” the stage manager warns, needing me in place, but I don’t move a fucking muscle, knowing she’s not nearly through with me yet.
The intro starts, the speaker physically shaking the stage as the vibrations rock through my chest, and along with it comes the screams of fifty thousand people, every single one of them waiting for me to give them the performance of a lifetime.
Her hand moves further up my arm, over my shoulder, and doesn’t stop until she’s gripping the back of my neck. Her other hand clutches my wrist. “You can do this, Ezra. I know you can,” she tells me, creeping in so close that I feel the warmth of her body against my skin. “If you feel yourself start to spiral, just look at me. I’ll be there the whole time. I’ve got you.”
“EZRA!” The stage manager calls, knowing I’m dangerously close to missing my cue. “NOW!”
I go to pull away, but Rae closes the gap, crushing her lips to mine, and I feel everything I’ve ever wanted right there in my grasp. Her body is stiff as though she can’t believe what she’s doing, and as she goes to make a hasty escape, my arms lock around her, pulling her right back in.
I’ve waited eleven fucking years to feel her lips against mine, and there’s no chance in hell I’m about to let her pull away from me just yet.
Her lips are so fucking warm, just as I knew they would be, and as I kiss her back, her body finally relaxes against mine. She opens her mouth just a little wider, and I take everything she’s willing to give as my world finally comes back into focus.
She was right. All I’ve ever needed was her.
She pulls back, her chest heaving, but I don’t dare release her. “Ezra,” she murmurs, clutching me tighter than ever before. “You need to go.”
I nod, knowing she’s right, but the idea of stepping away to do this show and not being able to touch her physically pains me. But there’s still tonight. I’ll get this done and then tonight . . . we talk. Or maybe we don’t, and I just spend the rest of my life drowning in her lips.
Reluctantly, I release my hold around her waist and allow her to back up, and as I listen to the intro coming to a close, I grab her hand and drag her to the side of the stage. “Stay right here,” I tell her.
She nods, and I move back into her, holding her stare as I clutch her wrist, unable to be so close without physically touching her. “After.”
“After,” Rae confirms. “Now go.”
Fuck.
I turn on my heel and sprint, racing down a ramp and through the scaffolding beneath the stage as I desperately try to reach my mark. Then just as I hear Rock’s tempo increase on the drums, starting my intro, I launch myself onto the base just in time for it to catapult me high up into the center of the stage.
The crowd is fucking insane, screaming in a way I’ve never heard before. The light show goes off with the pyrotechnics, and I can’t lie, it’s the best introduction I’ve ever had. Maybe Lenny was on to something.
Jett leads into the opening song, and I take the microphone, glance back at Dylan and Rock to let them know I’m good, and then without skipping a beat, I give my all to the eager Parisians, knowing that as long as Rae remains right there at the side of the stage, I’ve got everything I need.
A wide fucking grin stretches across my face, and despite not having Axel here, I feel more at home than I ever have in the past eight years, and it has everything to do with having Raleigh’s eyes on me.
I can’t help but glance toward her and take in the awe on her face. She’s never seen anything like this, at least, not with Demon’s Curse. I don’t know if she’s been to other concerts over the years and what her experience was like, but judging by how wide her eyes are, I’d dare say this is a first.
She watches me as though she’s never met me before, as though she didn’t just have her lips on mine less than a minute ago, and the wonder in her eyes is something I’ll hold on to for the rest of my life. I’m not performing for the crowd tonight; this is all for her.
As I near the final chorus of the first song, I hear a slight muffle in my inner ear speaker, and I glance across at Dylan who shrugs, clearly having heard it too. It’s not a big deal and has no effect on the show, and just as I go to shrug it off, I hear it again.
I look back to the side of the stage, trying to figure out what it was when I see the two dancers, Jessica and Stacey, lingering too close to Rae for my liking. They’ll be coming out during the second song, but judging by the look on Rae’s face as they speak to her, they won’t be coming out anywhere if I find out they’re being less than welcoming.
Rae and I might not have any idea where we stand with each other right now, but that doesn’t make me any less protective over her. Especially now that Axel is gone, she’s mine to protect, and if these girls are causing her trouble, they’ll be replaced within seconds.
When the first song comes to an end, I face my eager audience and hold my hands out wide, welcoming the onslaught of praise from the crowd. “How are you tonight?” I call into the microphone, listening as my voice fills the stadium. They scream, and I pull out my inner earpiece and take a moment to truly take it all in.
“Welcome to the Bleed for Me tour. We are Demon’s Curse, and it’s a pleasure to spend the night with you.” I walk back, and as Rock hits us with the intro of our second song, I scoop my electric guitar off the stand and hook the strap over my shoulder.
The dancers come out and do their thing, and as they move into me, one on each side, I turn away from the microphone and let them have it. “Let’s get one thing straight,” I tell them. “If you two even breathe near Raleigh again, you’ll be out. Got it?”
Jessica scoffs while maintaining her smile for the eager crowd. “Come on, Ezra. Keep it real. She’s just some girl. We have a whole tour to get through. Forget about her, and I promise, Stacey and I can make this the best tour you’ve ever been on. You don’t want to be shacked up with that bitch when you could be having fun with us. Besides, she’s nothing, a nobody.”
“Don’t push me,” I warn her. “I will choose her every fucking day. You hear me?”
The girls spin away before Jessica has a chance to respond, but I know she hears me loud and clear, and if she values her job, she’ll treat Raleigh with the respect she deserves.
Getting stuck into the second song, I relax deeper into the set, and as the familiar lyrics pour out of me, I turn back and meet Raleigh’s stare. This is the first time she’s truly going to hear all of these lyrics, and I realize that I’ve been presented with an opportunity.
She might have refused to hear me through my lyrics over the years, but now, standing at the side of my stage, night after night, I’m going to force her to hear me.