27. Raleigh
Raleigh
27
By the time I’m able to peel myself off the floor of Axel’s closet, darkness is flooding the house, and I pad through the long hallways, trying to remember how to find my way back downstairs.
I need to find Ezra. It’s time we talk.
I can’t drop a bomb like that and expect him to be okay with it. He’s probably halfway through a bottle of whiskey by now and considering washing it down with a cocktail of drugs.
I’ve avoided telling him for so long, not because I believe he would look at me any differently, but because I know he would shoulder the blame, just as I unfairly have done over the years, and that’s not a burden I want him to bear.
Making my way downstairs, I find nothing but a sea of darkness. Moonlight shines in through the big windows, and I search the walls for the light switches while wondering if I’m wasting my time. A home like this probably has a control pad on a device for the lights, not cheap light switches like we mere mortals are so used to.
Making my way to the kitchen, I pause when I find a familiar silhouette on the couch in the living room. He’s hunched over, his elbows braced against his knees with his head hanging low between his shoulders, and the sight breaks my heart.
Moving toward the living room, I lean against the wall, gazing in at him. “I thought you’d left,” I murmur, keeping my tone low.
Ezra lifts his head, his broken stare coming to mine. “I’m never leaving you again, Rae.”
He holds my stare before patting the empty space on the couch beside him, and I don’t hesitate to stride into the living room and curl up next to him. I pull my knees up to my chest and lean into him as he wraps me in his arms, but deciding it’s not enough, he lifts me right into his lap until I’m straddled over him.
I curl into his chest, resting my head against his shoulder as I breathe him in while he simply rubs his hand up and down my back in soothing circles. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he tells me. “You did nothing wrong.”
“I should have told you a long time ago.”
“It’s your story, Rae. Your body. You didn’t have to tell me anything you weren’t ready to share.”
I nod. “I’m ready to talk about it.”
“Are you sure?”
“No. But I want to. I want you to know who I am now and why I fought so hard to push you away. You were hurting too. You deserve to know.”
He drops his face into the curve of my neck and gently brushes his lips across my skin, preparing for the worst. His hand stops rubbing my back, and instead, curls right around me, holding me to his chest. “Okay, Rae. Start from the beginning.”
I swallow over the lump in my chest and find his other hand, lacing it through mine and bridging it between us, needing it like a security blanket. “It started around the time of your first release.”
“ ‘Hypothetically Yours,’ ” he confirms.
I nod and go on. “It was after Mom died and Dad was drunk all the time. He’d started taking notice of me. It was a lingering glance here and there, enough to make me uncomfortable but not enough to have thought anything more of it. Until the comments started. It was around the time I wanted to take our relationship a little more seriously, and so I started dressing a little more provocatively, hoping you’d notice. Shorter skirts, tighter tops, stuff like that, and he noticed, and more than that, he assumed I was doing it for him. That I was strutting around the house trying to tease him, begging him for something he couldn’t give me.”
Ezra takes a shaky breath, his hold tightening around me, and I try to ignore it, knowing if I linger on his brokenness, I won’t be able to continue. “He would call me a whore a lot. That was his favorite. Dirty little whore. It was humiliating, but it would always happen in private. In the kitchen, or when he passed me on the stairs. It was always the same, but that’s as far as it went. He never did anything around you guys, never even looked at me, but I could sense he wanted to.”
A shiver sails down my spine, but I keep going, knowing Ezra’s got me, and I’ll never have to face that bastard ever again. “The first time he touched me, I was sixteen. I’d gotten home from school and was rummaging through the fridge when he came up behind me and put his hand up my skirt. From that day, I started wearing pants. I threw out every skirt or dress I had.”
“We left when you were sixteen.”
I nod as my whole body shakes. “I knew it was going to happen. It wasn’t a matter of if, it was when. I knew it that day in the diner when you told me that you were leaving, and I wouldn’t be coming. I knew it when you got on the plane, and I knew it after I walked home and slept in the garden, too afraid to go inside.”
“Rae—”
I shake my head, needing to get it out. “It was that night. He was up waiting for me. You hadn’t even been gone a day,” I tell him, tears rolling down my cheeks and soaking into his shirt. “I stayed outside as long as I could, and assuming he’d gone to bed, I crept in. I was dirty from spending hours in Mom’s old garden bed, and I was already so broken after you left, I needed my bed. So I unlocked the front door, but I didn’t even make it to the stairs before he was on me. He chased me up the stairs, laughing about how you and Axel weren’t there to protect me anymore. He caught my ankle and pulled me down. I shattered my nose against the step, and as he pinned me down and crushed my head against the carpet, he stole my innocence and brutally ripped through my virginity. He took everything I’d always wanted to give you.”
Ezra stays silent, but I know he’s feeling it all. It’s in his shallow breaths, in the way he keeps turning his face into the curve of my neck, in the way his fingers unknowingly bite into my skin.
“That night was excruciating. Afterward, I locked myself in my room while blood gushed from my broken nose. I couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t move, could barely breathe, and I sat in the bottom of my closet and wept until morning.”
I swallow over the lump in my throat. “I refused to shower there and did what I could to wash the blood off my face and chest and took a change of clothes to school. I showered in the locker room before anyone noticed, and before school had even started, I was sent to the nurse, who called an ambulance. I begged her not to, and when my father was called to pick me up, he was furious, and that night, I was punished even worse for raising suspicions.”
I drop my head back to his shoulder, needing a moment to find myself as he holds me.
“I’m so sorry, Rae. If I’d known—”
“Don’t do that to yourself,” I whisper, holding his hand even tighter. “There’s no way you could have known, and that’s on me. I should have spoken up when I had the chance, but I didn’t because I knew you would either stay or kill him, and everything you’d worked for would be gone. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“You were mine to protect,” he pushes.
“The road goes both ways,” I tell him. “You were mine to protect too, and I did what I had to do to make sure you got everything you deserved.”
He holds my stare, a hollowness creeping in. “I don’t like that.”
“You don’t have to.”
Ezra lets out a heavy breath. “How long did it go on for?”
“Two years. Right until I left for college,” I tell him. “And by that point, I was an empty shell. All the furniture had been taken from my room so I couldn’t barricade myself in. The bathroom door was gone, as was the toilet door. I wasn’t allowed privacy. The lock was broken off my bedroom door handle, and after I attempted to throw myself out the window, that was boarded up too. He made sure there was no escape for me. Every night. Over and over again. He destroyed me.”
I let out a shaky breath unable to meet his eye. “My first abortion was at seventeen. My second six months after that.”
“Fuck.”
I pause for a moment, needing a second. “There were times it got so bad that I considered running away, but I was never brave enough. I didn’t want to live on the street. I didn’t have a job or money. I didn’t know how I was going to feed myself. So I stayed, and night after night, I thought about taking a blade and slicing it across my wrists. I wanted to die. I needed to die, and it made me feel weak.”
Tears stream down my face at the admission. It’s not something I’ve ever spoken of, not something I’m proud of, but I want to be honest with him. I want us to start fresh on a clean slate with no secrets between us.
“Some nights I stayed at the lake and slept in the bushes, and some nights I slipped through your old bedroom window and slept in your bed, but I was always punished worse when I refused to come home. Your parents never said anything about it, but I think they knew I was there because there were always clean sheets on your bed.”
Ezra nods. “Mom told me that once, but I always assumed it was because you missed me. Not because . . .”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, squeezing his hand, knowing just how hard this is to hear about the hell I suffered through. “Going to school every day was my only reprieve,” I continue. “It gave me something to work toward, something to keep my mind off it, but I struggled more than you’ll ever know. I worked my ass off to get into college, and I applied everywhere I could that was far enough away that he couldn’t find me. I made it my life’s mission to get away, and the day my first acceptance letter came, I finally found that first ray of hope. I was accepted into thirty-two colleges, that’s how many I applied for, and I hid every single one from him. He didn’t know I was leaving until I was already gone, and I never looked back.”
“What happened after college?” he asks, struggling to maintain control when I know every fiber in his body is daring him to get up, fly to Michigan, and end my father’s pathetic life.
“After Ax died, I was in a really bad place,” I tell him. “Axel was paying my rent, and I was already failing my classes. The dean gave me the option to pull out and try again later, but I couldn’t fathom the idea. I was so broken that I just dropped out instead. I had nowhere to go, and I was drowning in grief, not thinking properly, and despite vowing to myself that I would never return there, I went back to Michigan and practically lived on the street. I needed a job, needed to save up some cash, and then I’d be able to leave and start a new life, but being there . . . It didn’t feel like home, and I was petrified every time I walked into a store or turned the corner that I’d see him, and so I left, and since then—”
“Since then what?” he prompts.
Humiliation rocks through me, and I pull off his lap, curling up on the couch beside him. “I’ve lived out of the back of my car, moving from town to town, working shit jobs just to keep myself clothed, bathed, and fed. Right up until I received the call from Lenny offering me this job.”
With me now free of his lap, Ezra flies to his feet and starts pacing, shaking his head. “That’s two fucking years, Rae. You’ve been living out of the back of a car for two fucking years, and you didn’t even try to call me?”
My gaze falls to my hands. “I’m not proud of it, Ezra. I know I should have called, but I was so beyond broken, and I was angry. I blamed you for leaving, and I didn’t know how to ask for help. I didn’t even know if you still loved me or even cared.”
“Of course I fucking cared, Rae,” he says, stepping in front of the couch and dropping to his knees before me. “I’ve always cared. I’ve never stopped.”
I nod, reaching out and cupping the side of his face. “I know that now.”
Ezra drops his head so that his forehead rests against my legs, and I curl my hand around the back of his head, holding him to me. “I’ve got you now, Rae,” he vows. “I’m never going to let you down like that again.”
“You never let me down. I let you down when I failed to tell you what was going on, and I let you down when I put Axel’s death on your shoulders. I never should have told you that it was your fault. That was cruel of me. I lashed out at you in the hopes it would take away just a fraction of my pain, but all it did was make it worse.”
Ezra lets out a breath and gets to his feet before offering me his hand. “Come on,” he says. “Let me feed you.”
I take his hand and let him pull me up, and he leads me out of Axel’s home, making sure to lock up behind him. He orders takeout, and we start walking, making our way back to his place. We dawdle, taking our time, walking in a comfortable silence as he holds me to his side.
By the time we reach his front door, the delivery driver is showing up, and after getting our dinner, Ezra leads me into his home. It’s quiet, unlike the other times I’ve been here, and I like the peace. Axel’s home is beautiful, but there’s a loneliness to it, whereas Ezra’s home is full of life.
He leads me to his living room, and I sit cross-legged on the couch as I eat.
“There’s one thing I’m not understanding,” Ezra murmurs, his fork hovering over his takeout container.
“What’s that?” I ask around a mouthful of noodles.
“Why you’ve been living out of your car when you’re fucking loaded.”
I arch my brow. “In what world am I loaded? Are you insane?”
His brows furrow, deep in thought. “Axel’s will. He left everything to you,” he tells me, looking at me as though I just need a moment to jog my memory and then it’ll all come rushing back, but there’s no memory to jog. I’d know for sure if Axel left me his whole estate. “His properties. Money. All the ongoing royalties from our music. It’s all yours.”
I shake my head. “I literally have no idea what you’re talking about. After Axel died, that was it. I was never contacted about his estate, never even got to ask about it.”
“No. That’s not right. He specifically told me he was leaving everything to you. I was there when he signed his will.”
I shrug my shoulders. “Maybe he changed his mind and wanted to leave it to someone else.”
Ezra shakes his head. “No, I would have known,” he tells me. “I’m gonna call my lawyers in the morning and see if I can figure this out.”
I lean back on the couch. “Just so you know, if I’ve been living out of the back of my car and showering in shitty motel rooms for two years when I could have been living it up, I’m gonna be pissed.”
Ezra laughs, but it quickly falls away, replaced by a sad smile. “He loved you, you know. He always talked about you, and he didn’t give a shit if it gave me a hard time or not. Every time you passed an exam or had some kind of grand adventure, he’d boast about it to everyone for days.”
I smile. “He was my best friend.”
“I know,” he says. “I’m sorry about how all of that went down, with the funeral and all. We should have fought harder for what Axel would have wanted. You shouldn’t have found out the way you did, and I shouldn’t have allowed the label to turn his funeral into a performance. He deserved better.”
I nod in agreement. “He did.”
“And you do too,” he says, a heaviness in his eyes.
My brows furrow, and I put my noodles down as I hold his stare. “What are you talking about?”
“Axel’s death. You deserve to know how it happened.”
My stare hardens. “I do know how it happened,” I say, so sure of myself. “It was when you were on the jet coming back from Australia, right? I was talking to him on the phone, and I’d slipped up and almost told him about Dad, and he was angry because I kept shrugging it off and wouldn’t tell him what was going on. That’s when he overdosed, right? He figured out what had happened to me and was trying to numb the pain. It’s all because of me. It’s my fault. I opened my mouth and now my brother’s dead, and all this time I’ve blamed you, but it’s me. I killed my brother.”
“No,” he rushes out, moving in beside me. “This is what I’m trying to tell you. It wasn’t an overdose at all. The media got ahold of the toxicology report, made their own assumptions, and ran with it. Yes, Axel had taken drugs the night before, but not enough that he was struggling. He was fine on the jet.”
“What are you talking about? I saw the toxicology report. He was strung out on something.”
He shakes his head. “He wasn’t, Rae,” he says, that heaviness still right there, warning me that whatever he’s about to say, I’m not going to like it. “After he spoke to you on the phone, he told me he was going to visit you. He said you were having a hard time and all you needed was to see him in person. He wanted to know what was eating you up, make you smile, and then he was going to head back in time for the European leg of the tour.”
“No. He never came to see me.”
“I know,” he says. “We touched down in LA, and then he went home to pack some things, and on the drive back to the airport, there was an accident. His driver swerved off the road and he was killed on impact.”
“What?” I breathe, shaking my head as I stare at Ezra like a complete stranger. “No. That’s not it. That couldn’t be it.”
Killed on impact. Just like my mother.
“I’m sorry, Rae.”
“He was going to see me?”
He nods.
“Holy fuck,” I breathe, getting to my feet as the tears roll down my cheeks. “So either way, he died because of me? Because I almost told him about Dad? Because I opened my fucking mouth when I vowed to never tell either of you. I did this. He’s dead because of me.”
“No,” Ezra rushes out, moving in front of me and taking my hands. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew that beautiful brain of yours would lead you down this path, but you can’t look at it this way. You didn’t kill your brother by sharing part of your life with him. It’s just like saying he killed himself for caring about you. It’s not true, and I don’t want to hear you saying that shit. He would hate it. Axel was run off the road by an animal who darted out into the middle of the street. It was a tragic accident that has no place falling on your shoulders. You hear me, Raleigh? This is not on you.”
He crushes me to his chest, holding me tight as the grief washes over me.
No matter how I look at it, animal on the road or not, I did this.
I slipped up in a moment of anger and said something I shouldn’t have.
He was in that car because of me.
My brother is dead, and it’s all on me.