Chapter 26
ALEX
Same Risk | Madi Diaz
‘Erik, can you please tell your brother to stop pacing like he’s scared to ask his crush to the prom?’
Abby sat curled into his brother’s side, nose tucked into a romance novel while Erik watched a repeat of that afternoon’s grand prix qualifying. Alex chose to ignore the nerve of her complaining about his behaviour in his house .
Somewhat.
‘Erik, can you please tell your fiancée to stop being an annoying—’ Alex broke off as steely grey eyes turned to glare at him over the back of the sofa. It never failed to be jarring when his otherwise mild-mannered brother turned aggressively protective on a dime. ‘I’m nervous, okay? It’s been a while since I’ve had an actual date, and longer since I’ve had one I care about. And I’m pretty sure I’ve never had one where the woman is unaware that it is a date.’
Green eyes popped up next to Erik’s. ‘A word of advice? Let her see that. You know you’re outrageously charming. You also know that hasn’t worked on her. And I know that’s not all there is to you. If you want her to let you in, you’re going to have to be vulnerable with her. You’re kind, Alex. You’re thoughtful. Even if you thought—still think—I’m an annoying little shit, you always looked out for me when we were kids. You look out for me now, even if I don’t need you to.
‘Let her see the guy who commissioned a handmade Taylor Swift cardigan for my birthday present, because my favourite album didn’t have one. Not the overgrown frat boy you portray yourself as.’
Alex stared at her for a second, uncertain where to put the affection he had for her. ‘Ew,’ was eventually what came out.
Delicate features scrunched up. ‘I know. Remember what I said, just forget that I said it.’
‘You know it’s okay for you two to like each other, right?’ Erik deadpanned, attention back on the cars whirring around Zandvoort.
‘Nah.’ Abby stuck her tongue out at Alex, as if she wasn’t twenty-six years old, and he responded in kind, as if he wasn’t three years older. ‘You’d better get going if you want to stop for flowers on the way.’
‘ Shit. Flowers. How did I not think of flowers?’ Alex muttered as he walked out, already searching for the nearest florist that would still be open. A moment of panic came when his call connected in the car and they asked what he wanted. Tulips were out of season. Roses were too much. Then a brief conversation with his tattoo artist flashed to the front of his mind. He rattled off the names of wildflowers, and fifty-five minutes and a brief stop later, he was knocking on Sarah’s door.
Alex lost the ability to say more than a strangled ‘hi’ when he looked up from the heeled boots that appeared in the doorway and found her sheathed in a black satin wrap dress that dipped low in the front and tied into a bow at her waist. She looked like a present. Breathing didn’t become any easier when he reached her face and found her full lips the colour of a rich red wine.
It had been too long since he’d kissed her. Two days suddenly felt like a lifetime.
‘You got me flowers?’ She frowned. He waited a beat too long to answer, mind still reeling from the sight of her. ‘Aleksander.’
‘Right. Yes.’ He thrust them towards her and settled his face into an easy smile. ‘Figured this should feel like a date from the beginning. For authenticity’s sake.’
‘They’re beautiful,’ she said softly.
And before he could stop himself, Alex was responding, ‘So are you.’
It ought not to have been a big deal. He’d told her countless times that she was stunning or sexy or gorgeous. Needed to say it as much as he suspected she needed to hear it. But…never beautiful, apparently. Because if he’d ever seen the way she smiled in response—half exasperated, half pleased, all radiant—he’d have been calling her that every day.
They drove mostly in silence, Alex thinking on all the ways he needed to show her how good they could be together. Planning how to maximise this single night she had gifted him with, so it multiplied until she was his forever. And much like the first time she’d driven with him, Sarah stared out the window, face pensive.
It was better, he thought. It meant she couldn’t see his lingering stares each time he idled at a traffic light or stop sign. Couldn’t see the wheels turning behind his eyes as he imagined taking her out and spoiling her on a weekly basis.
After pulling into a parking garage down the street from the gallery, Alex made a show of checking his watch. ‘I expected traffic to be worse.’ He hadn’t. He’d known exactly how long it would take them to get there. And they were perfectly on schedule.
‘You don’t say.’ With the view of the city replaced by concrete and cars, Sarah turned from the window to face him.
Her proximity in the small space was dizzying, and his hand twitched with a nervous tic he’d spent years suppressing. But then, vulnerability dammit , he let it come up to scratch the back of his head. ‘Have you eaten? There’s a great place downstairs.’
Even white teeth sank into her lower lip, sending Alex’s mind skating towards dangerous memories of biting it himself. It took effort to keep his voice steady as he continued, ‘It’s that or amuse ourselves in here for an hour. And the only downside to this car is that the backseat isn’t big enough to have any fun.’
He knew, he knew , he was supposed to be showing her softness, but so much of their connection was wrapped up in this. In the teasing and the flirting and the suggestive exchanges. He used that part of himself to hide his insecurities, sure. But the persona worked so well because it was still part of him. Tonight, he just needed to let her see the layers underneath too.
‘Yeah, okay.’
‘Fuck, that’s good.’ Alex was aware that the sound he made was vaguely pornographic, as flavour exploded over his tongue. ‘I haven’t had a steak in ages.’
‘Is this some podcast-bro, “my body is a temple, and steak will ruin my eight-pack” bullshit?’ Sarah’s eyes had glazed slightly at the sound he’d made, but then she was back—snark-filled voice and a raised eyebrow.
He wondered if she knew her smirk came out almost as often as his. He wondered if it came from the same place of trying to hide something real .
‘It’s some “I don’t have time to cook for myself, and you can’t exactly freeze and reheat a cooked steak” bullshit. But I’m glad you’ve been counting my abs.’
Something gave in her face, eyebrows softening as she took a long, slow, contemplative sip of wine. Alex let his gaze linger while she put her glass down and lifted her napkin to dab away a drop of wine he’d been a second away from catching himself.
‘Why do you do it?’ she finally asked. ‘Your working hours are insane. You’re so busy you don’t have time to eat. Your co-workers suck. You’re tired all the time. It’s probably a good thing you don’t want a relationship, because you barely have time for sex, never mind—’
‘I could,’ he said quietly. Sarah looked at him sharply. He held her gaze steadily as he continued, ‘I could want a relationship. With the right person.’
An eternity passed between them before she looked away, toying with the ravioli on her plate. ‘It just doesn’t seem that you like your job much.’
He thought about the email sitting in his drafts. One he’d started typing months before. One he’d edited each time work kept him from seeking sanctuary in Sarah’s bed.
‘I liked it when I started. The way my brain works—’ He’d only put this into words once before, in that series of doctor’s appointments that got him his diagnosis. ‘I struggle to focus on things unless I’m good at them or I’m passionate about them. That’s why I did an art history degree. Even without the vocabulary of what was wrong with me, I knew that three or four years of uni, trying to force an interest in something sensible for that long, would be a slog.
‘Honestly, I think if I’d actually studied anything in the finance sector, I would have been bored. Failed out. But I’m good with people. Good at analysis. Art weirdly helped prepare me for that. And that was enough to make the rest of it easy. You’re going to think I’m an ass for saying this, but I liked the money. There’s not a lot else that would let me buy a house in London before I turned thirty. And it’s not always like this. I’m dealing with a company in the States at the moment, which is why I’m having so many late nights.’
He was surprised when he paused for breath. She kept pulling these long swathes of information from him, another thing he’d trained himself out of years ago. People don’t like when you talk too much about yourself and your own interests, so he’d learned not to. Part of bringing them round to your side was listening to them, making note of their interests and needs. Maybe it was because he wanted Sarah to know things about him. To understand that the facade was just that. Maybe it was because she didn’t sit there, unresponsive, clearly waiting for him to let her speak. Maybe it was because she listened to him, and that was all the difference. ‘Besides, we can’t all be supremely talented at the thing we love.’
He’d expected the quickly rolled eyes. What he hadn’t expected was the faint flush that spread across her cheeks as she fought to control the smile pulling at her lips. ‘Is there anything you’re good at that you actually like doing?’
Alex sprawled back in his chair. ‘Sex.’
To his surprise, that didn’t elicit more derision. Instead, Sarah leaned in slightly. ‘Hmm… You could have a very lucrative career on OnlyFans.’
‘I’d need a partner. Looking for a side gig?’ And even though he knew they were joking, the idea of filming them together was one that would sear itself into his brain. If he could convince her to want him, date him, love him, letting him film them fucking sounded like a downright plausible idea.
‘Aleksander, I’ve seen you jerk off.’ She lowered her voice as a waiter veered closer to their table, a reminder that they were not, in fact, sequestered in a private bubble. ‘Trust me; you don’t need a partner. People of any gender are going to want that pretty face all to themselves.’
Before he could follow that thread— people, but not you? —she was changing the subject.
‘So what’s the deal with your ex? You dumped her, and now you want to rub your happiness in her face?’
‘Would you have come if you really thought that was the reason?’
Sarah stayed still, waiting for him to go on.
‘It was another period like this at work. I was at the office until ten or eleven most nights. But Leah and my flatmate got along really well, so she never minded hanging out there, waiting up for me. And there I was, thinking how great it was that the first serious girlfriend I’d had since uni fitted in so well with my best friend.’ He waited until the first flicker of comprehension ignited on her face before he continued. ‘I just didn’t realise how well my best friend fitted in her.’
‘Oh shit.’ Undisguised shock consumed her features. ‘She cheated on you?’
Alex felt his mouth twist. ‘This was about three years ago. Erik and I weren’t close at the time, but Davis… He was like a brother to me. We met at uni, and it was the sibling relationship I’d always wanted. So finding him balls deep in my girlfriend on a rainy Thursday night wasn’t the best surprise. I haven’t had anything serious since.’ Until now. If he could just convince her to take the leap with him.
‘At least Gregg had the grace to start fucking someone I’d never met.’ She said it so nonchalantly. As if someone cheating on her —with her dry wit and secretly soft heart and absolute masterpiece of a body—wasn’t shocking information.
‘He what ?’
‘Oh, have I never mentioned that?’ A casual bite of ravioli left a tiny smear of sauce on the corner of her mouth. Alex resolutely kept his hands to himself, somehow certain that if he broke her focus now, they would never find their way back to this conversation. ‘It was a model from one of his shoots. He kept me on standby for three months in case she came to her senses and ditched him. When she didn’t, he finally ended things.’ Sarah straightened her shoulders. Brushed her hair back. Took a sip of wine. ‘I’m not cut up about it.’
‘He’s the one you were trying to make jealous that night?’ They’d put on a show, certainly, but if he could go back, Alex would have dialled it up to the max. Made sure the absolute idiot realised what he’d fumbled, thinking he could do better than Sarah.
‘I don’t even know if I wanted to make him jealous, exactly. I don’t think I could have, at that point. But I did look for someone who would piss him off. And you… Corporate vibe. Built like a fridge. Clearly uses styling product. The complete antithesis to him. The opposite of everything he’d expect me to find. You were perfect.’ A wistful smile brightened her face. ‘Anyway, I get why you want her to think you’ve moved on.’
Alex almost laughed, reining himself in by reaching across the table to finally wipe the sauce away, letting his thumb linger for a moment in the divot at the corner of her mouth, indulging in the tiny hitch of her breath. Tonight was less about his past with Leah and more about his potential future with Sarah. And it was in that spirit that he opened the menu again and said, ‘Want dessert?’
‘Oh.’ Sarah glanced at her phone, the faintest disappointment on her face as she took in the time. ‘Shouldn’t we be go—’
Alex levelled a stare at her, trying to impress through that one look all the things he couldn’t say yet.
I don’t give a shit about the opening or about Leah. Tonight’s about you. Thank you for opening up to me. Letting me see your pain. Letting me be part of your healing. I’ll give you anything — anything —you need, so long as you keep looking at me like I matter to you.
What he said was, ‘We can be late.’