20. Ivy
Why did I ever agree to such a stupid, silly thing? We already had matching words carved into our hands. What else could they want from me?
Everything, it turned out, my whole future, theirs, and I would have given it to them if it belonged to me. Which it decidedly did not, and the closer we got to reality, the more that sank in. Carter and Lex talked about rules and not fucking around with people outside of our square.
“We’re more like two triangles,” I argued. “Seeing as you and I don’t like each other.”
“That’s not what you were saying last night.” Lex winked and lit a cigarette.
“I was high last night.” My cheeks burning with his accusation, the memory of his teeth on my neck and the way that made me come so fucking hard that I’d almost passed out ghosting to the forefront of my mind. I’d also been mostly sober. I remembered it, but I wasn’t about to share that with the rest of the class.
“No way. You two?” Carter whistled. “Jesus Christ, and I thought I made some bad decisions.”
I resisted the urge to scowl at him.
“Look, I think it’s easier if we play it by ear,” Miri said. “We are each other’s home, and we’ll always know that, but life does happen.”
“Miri’s right,” Carter said. “And if things change or we start to feel different, we’ll tell each other. We’ll talk about it.”
My mind was a million miles away. They were so concerned with figuring out the dynamics of a relationship that had barely left its infancy, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how deep we were in the forest. We’d been walking on the trail for almost an hour, and we hadn’t even passed the spot where we’d gotten into an argument and swam in the creek. Fucked in the creek, I corrected myself. I couldn’t remember if it was a long hike to the ruins last night, and my brain hurt anytime I tried.
Everything hurt. My head. My hands. My poor pussy, which ached every time I took a step. We’d torn each other apart, and I didn’t regret it, but I was certainly paying for it.
And the mark on my palm?
Had I put it there?
I vaguely recalled scrambling to get my hand out of that knot because it burned.
No, I thought. I had to have imagined that. We had to have done it to ourselves. I must have agreed to let someone cut my skin. But who? No one remembered doing it, and no one had anything small enough to form words. That was problem number one.
Problem number two was whatever caused us all to feel so drugged up that we’d promptly fucked each other and passed out on the dirt floor of a ruined castle. To be sure, I would have had to be sky-freaking-high to let Lex bite my neck. Even more so to enjoy it.
Which I didn’t. I definitely did not enjoy it.
My hand went to the spot where his teeth had left a bruise; I could feel it there today, sore and tender.
Some sick part of me hoped it never healed.
Stop it.
I refocused on the larger issue. Like why weren’t they more worried about the acid trip we all went on together?
“You okay?” Carter put an arm over my shoulders while we walked, pulling me into his warm, safe embrace.
“How can you be so cool about this?” I said. “I don’t like feeling like I don’t have control of myself.”
“You know my mom’s into all that new agey stuff, right?” he said. “She says that sometimes people can get into these deep, meditative trances and sort of project their consciousness out of their bodies. Like go on spirit walks together.”
“Tell me, what about our argument in the woods pre-orgy put you in a deep, meditative trance?”
He rubbed the back of his head and sighed. “Fair point.”
“Maybe it was the fairies,” Miri teased. “Ashley warned us not to piss them off.”
“Yeah, and we didn’t,” Lex said. “Why would they fuck with us? We’ve been pleasant houseguests.”
He and Miri kept talking, but her suggestion slid into the crevices of my brain like a splinter.
No.
Fairies?
It was laughable.
Was it?
I believed in God, didn’t I? Why would fairies be any different? I couldn’t see or touch God to feel their presence in my everyday life. But could I, reasonable, rational Ivy Washington, really convince myself the mind-blowing euphoria I experienced and the random wounds on my hands were the work of small woodland humanoids?
Even if I could suspend disbelief enough to consider it, why would fairies waste their time with us? Why wouldn’t they just go on living their fairy lives and leave us to self-destruct?
Siobhan.
Her name echoed out of the depths of my memory like a siren.
“I’m going to take pity on you, Ivy Washington. I’m going to give you a gift.”
She’d kissed me. I patted my jeans, finding them empty.
The ring.
It was gone. I’d shown it to Lex before Carter and Miri found us…and now?
Fuck.
It was too late to go looking for it; I didn’t even know where we were. Siobhan had fucked with me, and I didn’t even have proof. She’d kissed me and then she’d disappeared. Was she even real at all? No, Lex definitely said he saw her. Was she responsible for doing this?
When we finally reached the campus, we emerged from the tree line holding each other’s hands. Mine in Carter’s and Miri’s and Lex on the other side of her. It looked exactly the same as it had yesterday. The same tall stone buildings, the same gray facade, the same trees in the same spots with the same sidewalks connecting them.
It was all so normal…so perverse.
A part of me screamed to turn around and run back into the woods, to find the ruins and fix it up and live there for the rest of our lives.
Why had we come back? They wouldn’t understand anything, not us, not me. My entire world had shifted. Everything about my life had changed. And for all these people? More of the same.
Students milled about, carrying books, talking to each other, and dressed in everyday, ordinary clothes. A group of women walked by, collectively giving us a once-over and a sneer as they passed.
I could only imagine how we looked.
Dirt caked every inch of exposed skin, my hair was in a matted plait down the side of my body, exposing the bite mark on the side of my neck. Out of the four of us, I might say I was the most presentable.
I dropped my hands to my sides as my heart sank. We’d been kidding ourselves for thinking we could have each other.
Look at these people.
Look at this world.
I would never fit in again. I couldn’t. None of us could.