20. Mack
Chapter 20
Mack
I should’ve anticipated her coming up here. I should have discussed my job more and what it meant for our relationship. But I’ve never done this before, never needed to consider someone else's feelings in this way. Jonah and Cole never have expectations of me, but Shiloh does, as she should. I’ve got to do better, and if that means dealing with the unpleasant chatter while I stream, so be it. Nearly a quarter of my viewers are women, and I knew the news wouldn’t go over well. The weird parasocial relationship I have with my viewers makes me want to quit, but in the same breath, it’s why I don’t.
I’ve spent so much time building this base up, creating this community. While I love it, there’s also a heavy burden of dealing with strangers on the internet. I want to protect Shiloh from that, and I can only hope that I can manage my temper. Especially as I read the chatter rolling in:
I’m actually crying over him being taken.
This better not mean you stream less.
Of course, he has an Omega. They get everything. Leave some Alphas for the rest of us.
Don’t do it. Women are the root of all the world’s problems.
I roll my eyes, doing my best to ignore the stupid comments. None of these people know me. They like the way I look, they like how good I am at playing Chronic and the workarounds I’m able to find. But not a single viewer on here really knows me.
Sometimes it feels like no one does. As close as I’m with Cole and Jonah, we’ve all been off doing our own things, avoiding our issues. But with Shiloh here? Everything is changing.
When I glance over at her, she’s passed out in the Lovesac. I can’t help but to smile.
Oh, my fuck. Is he looking at her right now? I want him to look at me like that. *cries*
Run while you can, man.
When’s it going to be my turn?
“I’m logging off for the day. My mods will be going through today’s chats,” I say in warning.
I don’t need the money, the fame, none of this shit. What I need…I’m not really sure what I need, and maybe thinking Shiloh wants to carry some of that burden is too much to ask for.
This is the first time in a long time I’ve felt like I don’t want to be on autopilot anymore. I want to actually live a life with people I care about and not shelter myself off like I always do.
I remove her crochet project off her lap and grab a blanket, gently placing it over her before I crawl next to her. It’s no easy feat with how this thing is shaped, but I manage. As soon as I’m comfortable, her head shifts and she rests against my shoulder.
Her scent is soothing in a way I never knew existed. I’d been around plenty of pretty, nice-enough Omegas, but Shiloh’s different. It’s like her scent was made for me, like she was.
She isn’t going to just let me get away with hiding in my room and letting Jonah and Cole be the main pack mates she deals with. If I’m being honest, I’m not sure why she would even be interested in me when she could have them.
Jonah is charismatic, if slightly unhinged, not to mention blessedly rich and perceptive. Cole’s a dickhead, but when he cares about something, he cares with every fiber of his being, and it’s clear Shiloh is that for him. He hasn’t seemed this excited since he joined the Air Force.
What do I offer? I know I’m attractive, that I’m kind, but is that enough? Who do I want to be? Fuck, an even deeper question: Who the fuck am I?
Shiloh stirs, a hand resting on my chest and I wonder if she can feel my heartbeat picking up from just her touch. Her nose nuzzles against my skin for a moment, and then she backs away slightly, her hand still on my chest as her big brown eyes blink up at me.
“How long was I sleeping?” she asks.
“Not long.”
“Did you do everything you need to for work?”
“Yeah, you don’t have to worry about it.”
She shifts and I give her space to move, so she’s comfortable.
“I like it in here. It’s cozy, and it smells like you.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t explain things better earlier. I should’ve talked to you about it before, but I’ve been…I don’t know.”
“Why haven’t you been around much?” she asks softly.
“When I said I’ve never done this before, I meant it in every sense, Shiloh. I’ve never had a girlfriend, an Omega, anything. I’m used to being alone, and I don’t know. I assumed you wanted space to get to know Jonah and Cole.”
“I want to know you, Mack; I want you to be around when we do things. I like hanging out in here while you work.”
I arch an eyebrow at her, and she laughs. “Okay, so falling asleep wasn’t the best look, but I like it. I like you, and I want to get to know you better.”
“How do I do that?” I ask.
“Well, we ask each other questions. We spend time together. It’s not as intimidating as it sounds, I promise.”
“Okay,” I say, while clearing my throat. “Why did you fly alone to Philadelphia?”
Her eyes cast down as she rubs her fingers over the blanket I gave her.
“We don’t have to talk about it,” I say, wondering if that’s not the kind of question I should’ve asked. Maybe I should have asked her favorite color.
“No, it’s okay. My last—exes, they were adamant about not bonding. We’d been together for two years and I woke up one morning and wondered what happened to the girl I was? Ya know? Like how did I lose so much of myself and not realize it? How had I let these Alphas disrespect me in private and public and never stand up for myself? I’m not timid, I’m not weak, but they made me act that way and I hated it. So I marched into their rehearsal and gave them an ultimatum, which in the grand scheme of things was stupid. I knew they weren’t going to choose me.”
I grab her hand and rub my thumb along her wrist as she continues. “I asked them to bond, or I was leaving, and they said they couldn’t offer me a bond. It wouldn’t be a good career move, but it was obviously more than that. I’m sure they cheated when they were on the road. I’d scent different Betas on them, but I ignored it. I just wanted a pack so bad. They were kind at first and offered me a lifestyle that was hard to refuse. When they told me they couldn’t bond, I didn’t want to use their credit card again, and I booked the cheapest and quickest direct I could to fly home.”
“They didn’t even offer to travel with you?”
“No. Which I was really bitter about, but it kinda feels like it’s meant to be, don’t you think?” she asks, looking at me so hopefully and I nod my head. “What about you? Why didn’t you like any of the Omegas Jonah tried to set you up with?”
My eyes search hers. “Are you mad at him for that?”
“No,” she says, and I arch a brow. “Maybe a little, but I can’t worry about the past. Also I won,” she says with a wink.
“I’m not sure. So many of them were society girls. They came from ‘good ’ families, always trying to be perfect, what a pack would want. It all felt fake and forced in a way I didn’t understand.”
“You don’t come from a ‘good’ family?” she questions, both of us emphasizing how stupid the word is. Just because you have money and live a certain affluence doesn’t make you better than anyone else.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it helps with your overall happiness, but there’s so much money can’t buy.
I clear my throat. “Our mom passed when I was really little. I don’t have any memories of her, just memories Cole tells me. Our father was a piece of shit Alpha. She couldn’t take it anymore, and so Cole and I were left to deal with him. He was a hard man, and it was easier to stay out of his way.”
I push a piece of hair off her face and she seems to preen under my touch. “Cole left for the Air Force when he was eighteen and I was left alone with him. I don’t blame Cole. If he hadn’t joined, I can only imagine the person he would have become. But that meant a lot of years with just me and our father. I spent a lot of time in my room, not being seen or heard. I think…what happened to our mom is why Cole and I have been so reserved about having an Omega.”
Shiloh swallows thickly. “Your mom was an Omega?”
I wonder how much I should divulge and how pissed Cole will be. It’s his story too.
“She was. I promise, Shiloh, I would never ever fucking hurt you,” I tell her.
Her eyes widen. “Did he do that to you, to your mom?”
I give her a sharp nod and I expect her to run off and tell me she needs some space. Instead she shifts so that her head is on my chest and she’s squeezing my side for dear life.
“I’m so sorry, Mack.”
I clear my throat, not knowing how to feel or what I’m currently feeling, instead I hold her back.
“What about your family?”
She shrugs. “My parents weren’t around much. My Gran is the best mother-figure I know. She was very loving and considerate. She might have been the oldest person in the PTA and on the playground, but she always supported me. She always loved me.”
I kiss the top of her head, not knowing what to say. Your parents are selfish fucks? Your Gran kind of scares me?
“How did you all wind up becoming a pack?” she asks, filling the silence.
“Cole and Jonah became best friends; they pick on each other a lot, but they made sense. They weren’t far off in age and Jonah was younger then. I don’t think Cole really thought much about having an Omega, and at the time Jonah wasn’t either. He wanted to do well taking care of his dads company and Cole wanted to be a commercial pilot. Honestly, it would’ve been easier if I wasn’t in the pack, but Cole wouldn’t leave me behind. I think he felt like he owed me for leaving me with our dad. I didn’t blame him, I still don’t, but I think a part of me knew if I didn’t join a pack with them I never would, so I agreed.”
Her eyes stay focused on me, her brows slightly furrowed.
“Sounds a bit dysfunctional.”
I laugh and nod. “Yeah, before you came here we were pretty much living separate lives, having the occasional dinners together. I’m happy you're here,” I say genuinely.
Her fingers intertwine with mine and she gives my hand a squeeze. “I’m happy I’m here too.”
Okay, think of another question.
“What’s your favorite food?” I say and Shiloh laughs out loud, the sound melodic and I can’t help but to smile, knowing I’m the one that dragged the sound out of her.
“Potatoes in any form. What about you?”
“Just about any type of curry,” I reply.
We sit in the Lovesac, talking about shit that doesn’t matter, and other shit that does. It’s the most I’ve opened up to anyone, probably ever, and it feels like a relief. She isn’t running away, well, scooting away. If anything, she seems to enjoy my company and I enjoy hers far more than I realized. Shiloh is easy to talk to. She isn’t judgmental, and she’s honest. It’s refreshing, and it makes everything seem a little less scary.
“Do you think we could do this again tomorrow?” she asks.
“You sure you’re not bored watching me play?”
“No, I have my projects.”
I decide that maybe she needs something else to do in my office when she's here. I don’t tell her my plans, but I hope she likes it.
The door swings open and Cole lets out an irritated breath.
“There you are. Fuck,” he complains, coming and plopping onto the Lovesac, sending Shiloh flying off the cushion. “Shit, sorry,” he says as Shiloh laughs.
“How did your meeting with your lawyer go?”
“Fine, I just might need to borrow a few benjamins from my loving brother or Daddy Warbucks. Speaking of which, where’s Jonah, I’m starving,” Cole says dramatically, snuggling up on Shiloh’s other side. “I hope Mack didn’t bore you to tears while he was working.”
“No, I enjoyed myself,” she replies.
“Good. Good.”
We all lie there and I feel at peace.
Maybe my fate hasn’t been decided. Maybe I truly can be a better man. Shiloh makes me want to be better. I feel soothed, content, and comfortable.
Maybe Shiloh was right, this was fate.