Chapter 19 Jess
JESS
I’m completely out of my depth with Nadir, but I’m not mad about it.
By default, I want to be angry at him. I tell myself he’s a selfish murderer and remind myself he owns a fucking Bratva. Does that change how much I want him? Nope.
I saw those handcuffs last week and knew there was no going back. Being at his mercy is nice. I love being under his control. For him to use. Submission feels different when you’re choosing to put yourself in that vulnerable position.
Nadir is an awful guy, but my body seems to trust him.
I’ve never trusted anyone in my life this way before. Trust has always been a weird concept to me. They throw that word around in the foster system all the time. “Trust that you’ll find your forever home soon, Jess.” I never did.
Taro was the same when we dated for those few short months. “I’m not hiding things from you, trust me.” Even an inanimate object would’ve been able to sniff out the bullshit.
I suppose that’s why I never got the urge to fuck him. My body didn’t feel safe around him.
Which begs the question—why is it so easy for me to surrender my body to Nadir? Is it because I trust other parts of him too?
Part of me has bonded to him. We’re parents. We share the same kids. That’s a big fucking deal. I carried his children for nine long months. Gave birth to them. I see Nadir in them every single day, especially Charlie. And now he knows the truth.
I feel relieved that he finally knows, and also a little comforted.
Nadir took the news well, all things considered.
He approaches them with more warmth than before and hugs them longer.
He smiles at them, but I can’t help but think he looks more spaced out these days.
He looks happy, but there are other emotions on his face I’m still trying to decipher.
Him knowing the truth is why our physical connection feels stronger. He enters me, and if I’m not in chains, I’ll fling my arms around him, needing to be as close as possible.
He’s unbreakable. The whole world could go up in flames and he’d still be left standing.
I knew how powerful he was when I first saw him looking at me on the plane.
He’s a force you wouldn’t wanna reckon with, and I like that.
I feel like I can surrender some of myself to him, and rely on him to keep those parts safe.
I’ve never felt like I can lean on someone that way before.
Butterflies stir in my belly every time he walks into the room. We have sex multiple times a day, whenever there’s an opportunity, but it still doesn’t feel like we’re having it enough.
The sex is crazy, but something still feels missing. I can’t put my finger on what. I feel it at work a lot when we’re eyeing each other up across the room. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between us sometimes, like he’s not pouring as much of himself into me as I am into him.
We fell asleep in the same bed a few nights ago, and I woke up with a sinking feeling in my chest when he wasn’t there. His side of the mattress was cold.
That small, forgotten part of me has always wanted more. But I never thought I’d be wanting this much from Nadir. I feel new strings attach each time we have sex, and that is bad. Because it’s gonna be fucking painful when it’s time to cut them.
I slip into my heels and shake out my hair, doing final touch-ups in the mirror before I head to work. As usual, Nadir is already in the office.
Maureen has gone full ghost mode since she was taken by Taro’s Bratva and then rescued—and for good reason. Nadir didn’t give a shit about her when she was taken.
I drop the kids off at kindergarten and crawl back into the car. Nadir arranges one for me every morning. I glance out the window as we pass skyscrapers and streets full of commuters on their way to work. I watch the pedestrians, my gaze zeroing in on a father walking his children to school.
“I killed my own family.”
That’s a red flag, isn’t it?
I shuffle uncomfortably in my seat as the lights turn green. We’re driving away again, but the sight of that father and kids stays with me for the rest of the journey.
“I’ll see you at four thirty,” says the driver as I pop open the passenger door.
“Yes. Thanks so much.”
The driver flashes me a smile as I shut the door and head into work.
My heels echo on the marble flooring as I enter through the lobby. I give reception a wave and smile at a few colleagues in passing. We’re not friends, just acquaintances, but that’s enough for me. I’ve found my feet in this place.
Another bonus is that I actually enjoy my role. People took one look at me when I started and drew their very stereotypical conclusions. Overdressed dumb blonde. What the fuck is she doing working in finance?
I’m starting to prove them wrong. I definitely proved my line manager wrong last week when he saw my KPIs. Apparently, I’m one of the best associates working here.
Everything here comes to me effortlessly.
I grab a coffee in the morning and actually look forward to sipping it at my desk while checking my inbox.
Finance is totally different to nannying.
I’m less resentful. I don’t relate the families I’m working with to my own terrible upbringing.
I look at numbers, conduct financial modeling for clients, and manage their portfolios. Easy peasy.
“I’m loving these all-black numbers you’re throwing together,” says the canteen lady I’ve become quite friendly with. She checks out my outfit, looking very impressed. The gal always gives me extra meatballs when it’s meatball day. Yesterday she didn’t even charge me for the pork gyozas.
“And I’m loving the breakfast display.” I have a quick look at the options, tapping my lip, and decide to take a breakfast roll for the road.
“Good choice. So much better than the yogurts I see all of the leadership team taking.”
“Ugh, tell me about it? Boring and so unbelievably bland.”
She wraps the roll up for me and hands it over. “Now, you have a good day.”
“Don’t worry, Paulina. I always have a good day when you’re behind the counter.” I blow her a kiss as I sashay my way to the escalators.
I’m wearing a different pair of heels today. The Louboutins have been collecting dust on the shelf for a while. Ever since seeing Taro, I’ve been haunted by the guilt of what happened the day I left Rosie alone.
And Taro threatened to take the video evidence all the way to the cops.
But things are different now. I have Nadir on my side.
And I get the feeling he could actually be on my side.
He ditched me in bed the other morning, but something profound shifts within me every time we’re together.
I feel the heat from his gaze when he looks over at me randomly. I know he feels something too.
After finding out that he’s the father of my children, I know something has changed for him.
I fly into my office and set up at my desk, exhaling a satisfying sigh. Working here gives me purpose. It’s a different kind of purpose to raising three beautiful children. Both are rewarding, but in different ways.
I’ve been hiding from Taro for close to two weeks now, and it can get a little suffocating being in one place for too long. That’s another reason for me to love coming to work. It’s the only time I have alone.
I login to my computer and head over to my inbox. My fingers fly over the keys as I reply to emails, and before I know it, I’m being sucked into a total meditative state, leaving my desk only when I need to empty my bladder.
I head to the restrooms on the third floor when I hear two men talking around the corner.
“And you didn’t think to fucking tell me this sooner?”
“I won’t talk to you unless you calm down, Leon.”
I hitch a brow and shuffle closer. It’s Nadir and Leon. Nadir has a very distinct voice. I could recognize him from anywhere.
Leon sighs, and I step closer to the corner, being nosy. I hold on to the wall to keep myself balanced and peer around. There are better locations to argue than down a corridor, but I’m not complaining. Eavesdropping is how you get ahead in the world, because that’s when the masks come down,
“I’m telling you this for a reason,” Nadir continues, “so shut your mouth and listen to me. The children are good for us.”
My heart misses a beat. Us? As in—me and him?
Leon scoffs. “Children are not good for the Bratva at all. Have you lost your head?”
Ouch. Not me and him.
“Now that I know they’re mine,” Nadir says, “I need to keep an even closer eye on them. I know hiring guards twenty-four seven for the foreseeable future is risky, but it’s even more necessary now.”
“Even more?”
Nadir wipes his hand behind his neck. “I have heirs, Leon. Three. One of them is a boy.”
“You think he has what it takes to take your place?”
“He’s a child. Too young to tell.” Nadir strokes a finger under his chin, contemplating. “Maybe.”
“And what about the others? Two girls?”
Nadir stares through Leon, looking straight into the wall. He’s spacing out—he does this around the kids too.
Now I know why. He’s fucking thinking about taking them away from me.
My heart is in my throat, my pulse going crazy. I feel my grip slipping on the wall, and my legs are restless. I have to go over there and slap him in the face.
But I’ll do that once they’ve finished their conversation.
“Nadir?”
“Yes. Girls,” he replies, returning his gaze to Leon.
“We can marry them to allies,” Leon suggests.
“We don’t have allies.”
“I’m sure we will in years to come,” Leon says. “This is promising. And it saves you having to acquire an heir down the line.”
“Da.” Nadir nods. “It will help solidify everything, that’s for sure.”
Leon narrows his eyes, watching Nadir. “Then what’s the problem?”
“Problem? There is no problem.”
“I thought you’d be happier, that’s all.”
“What is there to be happy about? It’s business.”
“Three heirs,” repeats Leon. “Do you know how strong that makes you?” He takes a step in. “We’ll keep the guards around at all times. Protect the children. And Jess.” He pins Nadir with a look. “You lied to me. You told me you met at a harbor, and that nothing happened.”
“We have bigger things to be dealing with, Leon, than one small lie.”
“But you felt the need to lie. Why?”
Nadir sighs, raking a hand through his salt-and-pepper hair.
I hold my breath and look between the two men, waiting for Nadir’s reply. Why did he feel the need to lie?
Maybe he didn’t want Leon finding out that we fucked. But why would that bother Nadir, so much that he felt the need to lie?
“We’re straying from the main point of the conversation,” Nadir says finally.
“The main point of the conversation was about the guards, and how they’re a waste of time and resources—and then you mentioned you share children with Jess. Straying away from the main point is how I get answers from you these days.”
“Be careful with your mouth.”
“Why? Because you don’t like it when I speak about Jess?” Leon asks. “What is going on with you? You lie to me about how you met six years ago. You snap every time I mention her name. What’s the verdict here? She’s the mother of your children, but she was clearly something else before then.”
Nadir clenches his jaw, deciding to leave that unanswered.
Leon says, “I suppose you’re going to be seeing a lot of her. We’ll have to figure out what kind of role she’ll play in all of this.”
I clear my throat. “Does Jess get to decide that role for herself, or will it be assigned?” I walk around the corner with a huge grin on my face, looking pointedly at my recruiter and my boss. Mainly my boss.
Nadir masks his shock well, but I see him tremble for a second. The man sees a lot of things coming, but he never knows when Hurricane Jess will strike.
She’s struck quite a few times already. And she’s not even been working here for a month.
“Jess,” Nadir says, tensing his jaw even more. “How long have you been hiding around that corner?”
“Long enough.” I fold my arms over my chest to contain some of the rage burning through me. “Heirs?” I spit. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I see Leon watching us carefully in my peripheral vision. He can watch until the sky turns green. I don’t care. I’m too annoyed at Nadir to give a fuck about other people listening in.
Nadir clenches his jaw in that stoic way he always does and looks away.
“Look at me when I’m speaking. Have some respect for your employee. And the mother of your heirs.”
“Jess.” He sighs.
“No. I wish I’d never told you about them. They don’t deserve you.”
Nadir turns to Leon, who is watching him pointedly. And then his expression changes. But not in the way I expect.
He laughs. “You know who I am, Jess—I shouldn’t have to tell you that twice.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You were expecting me to step up and play suburban dad, weren’t you?” He studies me, tilting his annoyingly beautiful head in assessment. “Or is that what you were wanting?”
“Go to hell.”
“Unfortunately, you’re already in it,” he says. “It may have skipped your attention, but I have a business to run.”
I blink, trying to make sense of this. I look at Leon, but he shrugs and stares at me just as hard as Nadir is doing. They’re waiting for me to leave.
Of course they are. I come with an expiration date. People only want me around for a certain amount of time. Nadir fucked me, got three kids out of me—he’s run me dry, just like they all do.
I wrap my arms around myself and leave.