22. Knox
Chapter 22
Knox
My stomach suddenly flipped, and my breath caught as I looked at Finn, who also met my eyes. Was Ryder feeling the same way we did?
“What do you mean?” I asked.
He looked down at his hands wrapped around the travel mug, not looking at us. “You both are filling up my soul again. Maybe it’s only sex for you, but I don’t think so. Still, it means so much more to me than that. Yes, it’s been a blissful distraction, but…”
Finn’s sweetness wrapped around Ryder as they pressed their foreheads together. Finn was rarely sweet unless it was with those he truly cared about and loved. “But what? Tell us.”
“Even though I’m in so much fucking pain right now, I’ve also been healing. I’ve been finding joy, connection, and… love.”
Any doubts I had that Ryder only used us as a distraction were instantly assuaged. It was okay if he needed us for that, but as emotions and feelings grew, it was a relief to know he was feeling the same as Finn and me. It was reassuring, making me want to push forward with this relationship. I had no doubt Finn felt the same.
“I realize it’s fast and—”
“Rye-baby?”
“Hmm?”
“We feel the same as you.”
Ryder looked up with wide, hazel eyes so bright in the sunlight. He glanced back and forth between Finn and me. “You mean…”
“We’ve fallen hard for you, Sweet Boy,” I said.
“Yes, we want you to be a part of our family. We want to expand on this relationship and completely include you in our lives.”
I removed the cup from his hands and threaded our fingers together. “We need to talk about what that means for all of us from here on out. Finn and I hadn’t expected to fall for you, but we were prepared for the possibility. Although we didn’t expect such a strong connection to you, we had no idea something was missing in our lives until you came along. You’ve become incredibly special to us, Ryder.”
His eyes watered, but the tears didn’t spill. “I would really like that… to be with y’all as more than…”
He didn’t need to say it.
“But as I said, some changes need to be made. I think now that playtime is over and we’re getting serious and on the same page emotionally, we can explore each other beyond what the three of us do. If Finn wants to spend some time alone with you, he can do so. Or maybe you would like some alone time with me. There will be times I might want to connect with Finn alone, too. Do you agree with this, Precious?”
Finn nodded eagerly. “Completely.”
“Ryder?”
“Yes, I would really like that, but… I love being with both of you at the same time. Can we just keep doing that?”
I breathed a laugh. “Then, if that’s all you want, you can have it. However, the most important rule is that we are not in an open relationship, meaning no one knows about us. People are not understanding. It’s hard enough to get most people on board with queerness, let alone polyamory or having a relationship with your stepson. Not to mention, you’re my employee. Finn and I are fine with this arrangement, and we find ways to explore each other openly, like at the sex club, so it’s not so stifling. Do you agree, Ryder?”
“Yes, totally.”
“With that said, I think if you want to tell your parents or a friend, you have our permission, but only to those you trust.”
For the first time since Ryder came to us last night, he smiled. “My parents don’t even know I’m bisexual. Not sure how well my relationship with two men will go.”
“Well, it’s up to you. While you can mention the relationship, under no uncertain terms can we talk about who Finn is to me. While his mother is gone and I’m not married to her any longer, Finn is still seen as my stepson.”
“Oh, yeah… I promise. No one will know.”
“There are a lot of people who come to the club who you cannot trust,” I explained further. “And Finn could have a hard time finding work, too.”
“Anything else?” he asked.
“We stick with the communication rule,” Finn said.
I nodded in agreement.
Finn held onto him tightly, his arms wrapped around him protectively. “We love you, Rye-baby. You’ve quickly become someone incredibly important to us.”
“Yes, we both love you.”
The tears, hanging by a thread, finally spilled. “I love you both, too. Thank you for bringing me into your lives. It’s been a breath of much-needed fresh air.”
I wiped away some fallen tears with my thumb before pulling him into a kiss. He tasted like sweet coffee and smelled of sleep still.
When I pulled away, Finn turned Ryder’s cheek toward him, and they kissed each other as well.
Not to leave me out, Finn reached for me and kissed me, too.
“This is the three of us. Complete in every way,” I breathed.
The night after our big talk with Ryder, we all made love again and fell asleep in a heap in my bed. I’d never felt more loved and at home than with these two wonderful men. Life had been perfect with Finn, so it was quite a surprise to find another young man who made it even more perfect.
The next day, Finn and Casey flew out to Los Angeles for a runway show and another photo shoot. Finn was excited about the show but not so much about the shoot, but he didn’t explain why.
A chef I had on staff for five days out of the week made dinner for Ryder and me, and then everyone cleared out for the evening, leaving us alone. I didn’t like having people in the house in the evenings, protecting us from prying eyes.
I requested he make us lasagna and a salad, something that was comforting. While overly filling, I also wanted Ryder to feel as good as possible during his grieving.
He looked better, but there was still a dark cloud of sadness and guilt hanging over him. He needed therapy, especially with him blaming himself for his sister’s death.
“Ryder?” I asked, to get his attention.
“Yeah?” he responded with a mouthful of pasta.
“There’s one more thing, and this isn’t quite a rule, but it’s something I would like you to do, Sweet Boy.”
“Okay. W-what is it?”
“I would like you to reach out to your parents. I think it will help with the healing process if you talk and spend some time together. And I would like you to make an appointment with the grief counselor Finn and I used. She’s quite amazing.”
He sighed and wiped his mouth with the napkin before taking a sip of his cabernet, pondering my words.
“I know I should talk to them… see them, but it’s so hard. Every time I think about them, I think about what I took from them… what I took from myself.”
“Dammit, Ryder. You did not run her over. You… Look, I’m not a therapist. I can’t tell you how to feel, but you aren’t going to be able to heal until you deal with this thing you’re doing to yourself. It’s going to fester until it eats you alive. And running and hiding from your past doesn’t help.”
He said nothing, digging in his lasagna with a fork but not eating.
“Do you think they blame you?” I asked.
He gave me a one-shoulder shrug. “I don’t know.”
“If I bought you a ticket to Nebraska, would you go?”
“I mean, if you want me to, I will.”
“This isn’t for me, Sweet Boy.”
He sighed heavily again. “You’re right. I really need to. The anniversary of Rowan’s death was probably just as hard on them.”
“Ryder, they lost you too.”
His eyes turned red with unshed tears as he nodded. “I know… They’re good parents who didn’t deserve this. And I’ve been walking in this dense fog without Rowan, not knowing whether I’m coming or going most of the time. We shared everything… a womb, blood, nutrition… We knew our deepest secrets, even when we didn’t speak them. I don’t know how others feel when they lose someone close, but losing half your soul—your twin… That’s on a whole other level, I think… not to diminish the pain of others. That strong connection with her has been permanently severed, and I’ve been so lost without it. That is, until you and Finn.”
“Oh, baby… I know.” I held out my arms, and he stood and sat on my lap, allowing me to hold him.
He sniffed and held me back. “I love it with you and Finn. I’m not entirely whole, and I may never be, but I’m healing, thanks to you both.”
“We love you, too. So, will you try to see them? If so, let me know when, and I’ll get you a plane ticket.”
“You don’t have to buy me anything.”
“I insist. Does that mean you’ll go?”
“Okay. I know you’re right, but I’m afraid.”
“As I believe I’ve mentioned, you can’t run from your pain forever. Sometimes you have to face it head-on, and it can allow you to heal faster.”
I gently pinched his chin and pulled him down into a kiss, which quickly grew heated, but I eased him off before things turned too hot. Now wasn’t the time, and Finn and I still needed to adjust to this new arrangement, having to share each other when one of us wasn’t around. There were no worries he’d leave me. He’d told me often enough. But if I got too old, I was pleased he would always have Ryder. Finn’s happiness was everything to me. Now, Ryder was everything to me, too.
“How much time can I take off from the club?” he asked, sitting back down to finish dinner.
“Take as long as you need.”
“Maybe just a few days to start. Is tomorrow too soon?”
“No, Sweet Boy. I’ll make the arrangements.”
We ate quietly again, sipping our wine, when he said, “Can I sleep with you tonight, sir?”
“Of course you can.”
“I’m not sure I can do anything more than that without Finn. It feels weird if it’s not both of you together with me.”
I huffed a laugh. “We’ll do what makes all of us comfortable.”
That night, Ryder had his body pressed against me, one leg over mine and his head on my arm as I rested on my back, holding him.
Sometimes, just intimacy and holding someone like this was everything. I always missed Finn when he traveled, and my bed felt empty. Ryder filled that void in me.
At some point, we would have to talk about Ryder moving in with us. He belonged here.