Chapter 14 #2
He stares at me, his eyes wide and unblinking.
“You need to sort this out. I don’t think the problem is me and him.
That was never anything that was going anywhere and at the heart of you, you know that.
The problem is actually you and him.” He sighs.
“The two of you have this awkward push and pull where one pulls while the other isn’t watching and then he pushes.
Then before you know it, you’re in a fucking tug of war.
You need to stop it because I think you’re missing out on a relationship with him that would do you both good.
Milo, you need your brother.” He smiles at me. “And he needs you.”
“As if,” I scoff, and he shakes his head.
“Get out of your head and away from where you think everything he does shows you up in a negative light. Like you measuring yourself against him all the time and thinking you come up short. The truth is so far from that, it’s laughable.
Actually see him, Lo, because at the moment he needs you more than you need him. ”
“He needs you.”
“No, he doesn’t,” he says simply. “Or if he does, it’s because he’s clinging to familiarity.”
Dinner is quiet after this, as though Gideon’s disappearance has put a pall on things.
I can’t concentrate on anything because Niall’s words echo in my head, and when everyone has gone to bed, I roam the ground floor looking for my brother.
I find him outside on the patio wrapped in a blanket and sitting on the wicker sofa looking down at the lights of the village.
He looks up when he hears the door and gazes at me solemnly while he sips from a bottle of vodka. Feeling unnerved by the silence I hover, shifting from foot to foot.
“Don’t you want a glass?” I ask.
The words are so innocuous that I’m not surprised he smirks. “Nope,” he says calmly, popping the p. “It would interfere with the speed at which I’m intending to drink this bottle.”
I drift nearer to him and shiver violently. “Jesus, it’s cold out here.”
He shakes his head but holds up the edge of the blanket in silent invitation. I take it, diving under gratefully and pulling the blanket around my shoulders. It smells of his Tom Ford cologne, which is his signature scent, making it at once somehow exotic and yet as familiar as our childhood home.
He offers me the bottle silently, and I take an enthusiastic gulp and immediately cough as it burns my throat. “Shit,” I say morosely and he laughs unexpectedly, his eyes warm and his face open, making him look suddenly young.
“You never could drink well,” he says almost affectionately. “I remember Niall giving you a sip of his whisky one Christmas and you coughed so hard you spat in his hair.”
“Oh lovely,” I say faintly. “I’m surprised his dick can get hard around me with those lovely memories in his head.”
“I don’t think you need to worry about that,” he says slowly and instantly the awkwardness roars back in.
“Do you mind?” I ask suddenly, breaking the silence as surely as if I’ve put a brick to it.
He stares down at the village, looking meditative. “Would it make any difference?”
Alarm flares in me. Is he going to make me choose between him and Niall?
He shoots me a slanting glance that seems almost amused. “I can hear your brain working from over here.”
“And what is my brain saying?”
“Who you’d choose if it came down to it. Would you choose your hook-up or your brother?”
“Niall is not a hook-up,” I say indignantly and he turns to me, all humour gone.
“Isn’t he? You might want to mention that to him, because as far as I can see you’re just using him to see what sex should feel like.” He settles back and smiles. “I have to say he’s the best person for that. He’s an amazing fuck.”
Rage fizzles in my stomach at the thought of these two together.
It mingles with misery because Gideon is so much more understandable with Niall.
They look as if they belong to each other.
Gideon is the same as him – confident, funny, and assured as opposed to shy, stuttery me who probably makes Niall look like he’s babysitting me for my mum.
Gideon shrugs when I say nothing. “So, why would I be bothered? I’ll wait for this whatever it is to blow itself out and then Niall will come back to me.” He smiles. “He always does.”
My vision seems to go dark for a second as if all that rage has short-circuited my eyeballs. “He won’t come back to you,” I say, breathing deeply at the start of the sentence so it comes out properly.
His eyes seem to soften at my indrawn breath, but they harden a second later.
“Why do you want him, Milo? He’s just a training cock for you.
The two of you don’t go. He doesn’t read much because he can’t sit still for long.
That means the cinema and the theatre are out.
Museums and art galleries are a no-go too.
He gets this hunted look like the room’s too small and he’ll have to hold it up by his shoulders.
What would you ever have in common with him when you get bored of his cock? ”
The words spill out of me now like they’re greased with coconut oil.
“We do go together. You just can’t see it.
Yes, he’s all of the things you mentioned but he’s so much more.
He’s funny. So funny. He can make me laugh even when we’re arguing.
He’s passionate and kind. He’s the kindest person I’ve ever met.
He would give anyone the shirt off his back, but he covers it up with sarcasm and flippancy.
Every night he wraps the covers over me so that I don’t get cold.
Then he tells me that it’s because otherwise my hair will escape and fill the room.
He makes sure I eat while I’m working, through an unholy alliance with Maggie the cook.
Then he says it’s because he needs me in working order for sex.
He might not read many books but he’s still clever.
He has a vast knowledge of politics and the world and I can talk to him for hours and never get bored.
I don’t want someone to share my hobbies.
I just want someone who’s interested enough in me to really listen, and he does that. Always.”
I stop for breath and only then notice that he’s smiling. “What’s so bloody funny, Gideon?”
He shakes his head as if in dismay. “Listen to yourself,” he says deeply, that rich voice of his weaving around me.
I look at him in confusion and he sighs.
“All that you just said is not someone talking about a sexual experiment. You’re talking about a real man made of flesh and blood and for all his failings, a really lovable man, and you see that.
” He looks intensely at me. “Now, tell me you’re just hooking up, Milo, because I’ve had many hook-ups and I’ve never talked to them for hours.
” He grins. “Fucked them, yes. Talked, not so much.” He looks sad.
“And I can concretely say that none of them have ever made sure I eat.” He pauses. “Even Niall.”
I stare at him. “Oh my God,” I say slowly. “I have all these feelings, Gideon.” I shake my head. “Fucking Niall. Even in this, he has to complicate things.” I breathe in deeply, feeling panic rush through me. “Oh fuck. This was never part of the deal we had.”
I think of Thomas and that panic accelerates.
This is just how it was with him. I never understood what he saw in me at first and so I kept my distance and my heart.
Then by the time I came to trust in him he’d grown disenchanted and cruel, but it was too late for me and I stayed hopelessly and blindly loyal.
It’s even worse with Niall. I have so many feelings for him.
How much will this hurt if it goes wrong and he despises me?
Will I have the strength to leave him if it goes wrong?
I’d only just got away from Thomas. Leaving Niall might just kill me.
Gideon gives a loud, startled laugh and I push the teeming thoughts away. I can’t help but smile at him because it reminds me so much of when he was younger and the brother I idolised. Then I have a blinding realisation that practically smacks me in my face.
“Oh my God, has this been deliberate?” I breathe. He looks at me with an innocent expression on his face and I gesture furiously. “All this. The trip away, the goading me. Has it all been for this?”
He shrugs and takes a long sip of the vodka. “I don’t know what you mean.”
I nudge him. “Yes, you do. All this posturing about Niall and making me jealous. It feels like you’ve been prodding me along this path. Why haven’t you been as concerned about Niall?”
He shakes his head, a serene expression on his face. “I’m not worried about Niall’s part in this. He and I know where he stands.”
“Where?” He immediately shakes his head, so I know I won’t get an answer on that. “Are you bothered that I’m with him? Honesty, please.” I pause and hold my breath.
He looks down at the village and the lights seem to flash across his face, making it mysterious all of a sudden.
Then he smiles almost sadly. “No, not now. I was at first. I was very angry and hurt when I found out. But over the last few days here I’ve realised that I love him because he’s my best friend.
Not because he was my lover. And that will never change. ”
“I wouldn’t want it to,” I say slowly, and he nods.
“At the end of the day, though, it was just sex. Stupendous sex,” he adds, winking at me.
I shake my head and he sighs. “But it could never have been more than that because I wouldn’t let it.
” He bites his lip. “And I wasn’t the right brother for him.
He just had to wait around for you.” He shrugs.
“Once I realised the truth, I wanted you to see it too.” He pauses.
“I also have to say in the interests of complete fairness that the goading is completely natural and unfortunately one of my main character traits.”
“Won’t this be awkward?”
He scoffs. “Of course not. This is the same family where Aunt Margo has been fucking Uncle Jeff’s wife for years. If they can sit down for Christmas dinner, then so can we.”
I gasp. “She’s fucking Diana?”
“Have you been living under a rock? It’s been going on for years.”
“Is that why they keep going away on spa weekends?”
“I don’t think it’s for the seaweed wraps and the deep-tissue massage.”
I look at him. “I don’t just want dinner once a year though. I want my brother in my life all the time.” I pause. “Why have you told me all this about Niall?”
He turns to me, his face serious. “Because he’s my oldest friend and he deserves so much more than what I gave him for years.
But mostly because I want you to be happy, Lo, and you were in danger of ruining everything with him.
” My eyes fill at that old nickname and his smile becomes tender.
“You deserve to be happy. So happy. And I’m your brother.
It’s my job. I haven’t always been good at it, but I’d like to try harder if that’s okay with you? ”
I nod and hug him, resting my head against his shoulder. “I’d like that.” I look up at him. “But it goes both ways, Gideon. If you can meddle then so can I.”
He scoffs and kisses the top of my forehead. “What on earth do you have to meddle with in my life? It runs like clockwork. I have fame and money beyond most people’s imagining, a beautiful house, good friends, and an annoying brother.” I snort and he smiles. “What more could I want?”
“Someone of your own,” I say softly, and he flinches. “You’re lovely under all those caustic comments. I’d just like someone else to realise and value that.”
“I am not lonely,” he says, taking another sip of his drink. “I have people around me all the time.”
“Who want something from you. What about someone who just wants something for you? I want you to find that someone.”
He shakes his head. “I’ve never met anyone who was worth stopping for.”
“You will.” I pause. “I wonder if it will be a man.”
He looks diverted. “I shouldn’t think so. I’m attracted to men, but I don’t know whether I’d settle down with one.”
“That’s because you’re thinking with a bisexual penis rather than a bisexual heart. Someone’s going to come along and shake that up. I can feel it.”
He shudders. “Well, don’t. Take some penicillin and stop it.” He pauses and looks pensive. “Anyway, it couldn’t be a man.”
“Why?”
“Because it would finish my career.”
“Would it, bollocks,” I say crossly. “There are plenty of gay men in the industry.”
“And you don’t see many of them playing the roles I do. The leading man walks off into the sunset with a woman, not a man.”
“It hasn’t done Asa Jacobs any harm.”
He shakes his head. “He’s different.”
“How?”
“He was bisexual from the beginning. He was always honest.” He pauses and takes a slug from the bottle. “I haven’t been honest,” he continues in a whisper. “And my fans would never forgive me. I would feel as if I’d let them down.”
“They buy tickets to your films, Gideon. It doesn’t give them an automatic backstage pass to your life. They’d get over it. You’re still an amazing actor.”
He shakes his head impatiently. “You don’t understand. Frankie says–”
“Oh, Frankie,” I say scornfully, thinking of his wanker of a manager.
“Frankie would sell your used tissues if he felt it would make him money. You’re a cash cow to him and that’s all.
” He snorts, and I grab his arm. “You’re not that for me, Gideon.
You’re my brother and I love you.” The words fall into the silence like petals on a pond and to my amazement, his eyes fill. “Gideon,” I say, and he sniffs.
“Ignore me. I’m just being disgustingly sentimental.”
I nudge him. “Who knew I’d be around for that? I think the last time was 1997.”
He laughs and hugs me tightly. “I love you too,” he says softly. “I’d like to see more of you though, if that’s possible?”
It’s my turn to blink. “I’d like that very much.”
He kisses my head affectionately, the way he used to before the differences in our ages and the disparate way our parents treated us pushed us away from each other like we were on diverging currents on a river. “Well, I’ve accepted a job in a series that’s filming near you, so we can do that.”
“Where?” I ask but he bops me on the nose.
“Nowhere you know,” he says comfortably and passes me the bottle. “Let’s finish this and reminisce about the time that Niall got drunk and mistook our neighbour’s house for ours.” He smiles. “I can still hear Mr. Finton’s scream when Niall got into bed with him.”