Chapter 6 #2
When she was settled into the car, I walked around and got in on my side.
Before I pulled off, I glanced at her direction before shaking my head.
Luna was beautiful and I bet she knew that.
She had those big pretty eyes that mirrored the stars, and this little doe nose that didn't take over her face.
Then when she laughed it was like her eyes lit up the entire room.
See this was a problem because I didn't usually pay attention to shit like that, I just knew I was fucking up when it came to her.
I drove for a few minutes lost in the music before she reached forward and turned it down.
That made me look in her direction. She had an expression on her face that I couldn't read.
I guess that meant she was about to tell me something I didn't know.
“Where are we going?”
“My place. We can or—” I started, but she shook her head.
“I like you Knoxx, but I can't like you.” She wasn’t making sense. It’s as if a switch had flipped.
“What are you talking about? Why?”
“I can't start something with you. I can't entertain this with you because I'm not over my last situation. My life is too complicated.” The way she spoke was as if she was convincing herself instead of me.
Before I could respond she began to speak again, “Just take me home. This was a mistake.”
I nodded. I didn't believe in forcing anybody to be around me, Especially when I knew almost a million bitches who would go with far less effort.
I wasn't the chasing type, so I did exactly what she asked.
I dropped her off at her crib, then waited until she got in before I pulled off.
Nothing against Luna, but I didn't really have time for the wishy-washy game she was playing.
I also knew that Luna had some shit with her by the way she moved.
I wasn't the type to be all in her business though, especially if she didn't put me there. If she wanted me to know something she’d tell me.
In the meantime, I planned to give her some space and occupy my time in other ways.
After I dropped her off I went toward where Kasey's slow ass was.
I just knew he was posted up on the block, because that's all the nigga did besides making money.
On the way there, I stopped at the liquor store, and got a bottle and a set of cups.
Niggas always needed cups. Especially when you were pulling up on the block.
When I pulled up, they were posted on Aura's old school talking shit like always.
“Look what the cat didn't draw again.” Kasey chuckled. “Why do you look like you just lost your best friend?”
“Probably did. I ain't telling your goofy ass.”
He laughed. “You shouldn't. You won't hear that down if you do.”
I didn't even respond. I knew how this nigga was, shit, I used to hang out over here when I was younger.
Pops hated it, but I loved the streets something tough as a young nigga.
You see, the streets were my first love.
They helped me find myself when I didn't know if I was coming and going at a certain age.
Even though Pops provided a life to where I didn't have to be in the street I was still a hard head headed young nigga.
That meant I had to make my own mistakes and see for myself how fucked up shit could get.
Then the thing about the streets is once you're in, you were in, there was no pulling back or stepping out.
When I was younger, I didn't want to pull out.
The streets were truly my first love and she could do no wrong in my eyes.
I met Rae on this block when we were both about sixteen or seventeen.
She was down to wrath the streets out with another, not knowing what neither she nor I had signed up for.
You were youngest fuck and thought we were in love.
She was shotgun while I trapped out of my truck on the low.
Back then, my father didn't know I was in the streets, so I had to keep that shit on the hush.
Thinking back on all of that now, I realize I was a dumbass young nigga.
I believed I could take on the world by myself even though I didn't have to. Unlike my sister, I gave my father hell. He had a clean life planned out for me, but I didn't want it. Like any other youngin’ my age I wanted to be like my pops. He made it all seem like a cakewalk. Matter of fact, he made it all look too easy. When our mother up and left he carried that on his back like a G and never uttered an ill word about her. Pops was a different breed that they no longer made. He made his money, sold his work and got the fuck out of the streets. Most niggas said the streets were like a siren’s call.
You could never be rid of them, but not Pops.
When he stepped away, he didn't look back.
He always said his only connection to them was me.
Even then it wasn't the same, because I wasn't in them like that anymore.
It only took for a nigga to blast at me one time and I changed my whole profession.
Drugs weren't worth countless bullet holes and turf wars. It wasn't worth my life.
One thing I wasn't was on the straight and narrow.
I played my own game in these streets with my crew.
I like to play with the freight trains and bleed those motherfuckers before they make it to their end destinations.
If it ran through or on the coast of Chicago, it was mine.
I learned to track and work the system from a retired nigga named Primal.
Of course, he used them in a different way, but this was my way.
I learned the game and personalized it. I made it so that I made more money being out of the way with less risk rather than standing on a corner and telling niggas what to sell.
I wasn't judging but everything wasn't for everybody.
Life is good, right? I couldn't help but think about what was missing. Something in my life was missing.
“Hey Knoxx, can I talk to you right quick?”
My thoughts were interrupted by a feminine voice. I recognized it as Rae’s aunt. She stayed right across the street from where Kasey always posted up.
I glanced off from the ground that I had apparently been focused on and locked eyes with Rae’s aunt, Ms. Clark.
For as long as I have known this woman, she hated my eyes.
But then after everything happened with Rae, she all of a sudden started speaking to me in passing.
The old bat was nuts, but Pops taught me to respect my elders.
So instead of telling her to get the fuck on, I crossed the street to see what she wanted.
“What's up, Ms. Clark?” I greeted, grabbing the grocery bag from her hands so she could lead the way into her house.
When we were in, she thanked me before giving me a look that I didn't recognize.
“Look, I know you don't want an old woman in your business. But I have to say something about the way you and my niece have been carrying on. Rae told me about the baby. I understand you don't want kids, but this has happened twice on those are your ki—”
“What baby? What do you mean twice?” I looked at Ms. Clark like she had two heads.
I could see the confusion in her face. That was when she realized that she had fucked up.
“Ms. Clark,” I called her because she had completely froze.
“She’s pregnant again and she said you didn’t wan—” I didn’t even give her a chance to respond. I was walking out of her front door. What the fuck type of game was Rae playing?
Surah
This week dragged and nothing about it was appealing.
If anything, I felt like it was a fight to get out of my bed and an even bigger battle to get through my days.
I knew what was wrong with me, but instead of acknowledging what I was suffering from, I tried to ignore it.
I partied, I went out and I drank in an attempt to ignore the obvious.
I didn’t know that you could get physically sick when you missed a person.
Never aloud would I admit to missing Namari, but inside of me I lived with the feeling and hated that we weren’t speaking.
I’d seen him in passing a few times, but I was too chicken shit to approach him and he had definitely been busying his time with others.
Instead of dwelling I always kept it moving, but damn it was like that.
I know I walked away from him, but usually when a woman walked away she expected to be chased.
He didn’t chase me, he went about his day, and that hurt the most. I’ve been avoiding my feelings for years now, so I knew that at some point they’d surface.
It was inevitable, but what I didn’t expect was for them to come out like this.
I felt physically ill most days because I really felt like my fucking heart was broken.
The few times I’d seen him he looked fine like nothing ever happened and that alone enraged me.
Before anything between us became physical we were building this kind of friendship that I thought meant something, but I see it didn’t.
It seems like for him it was about only the sex and I didn’t know how to take that.
I didn’t know how to feel about that, because I had never felt a nigga the way I felt him.
“I’ma just let it go.” I looked up from the candle to Ommy.
She had this sympathetic expression on her face. “You sure?”
“I mean I have to. He’s fine, so I have to be fine. I’m obsessing about something that was never anything right?”
“Maybe not. The two of you need to talk. A person can seem one way and be a totally different way on the inside. I mean look at you.” She stamped the sale sign on the candle.
“You didn’t see him, he wa—”