Chapter Fifteen
Kendall
You. What do you want?
I couldn’t formulate a clear answer to say what I wanted because it was so big. It was almost too much to capture with words. But I knew there was one step along the way.
“Kiss me,” I whispered.
The air around us felt like the sky before a storm at night, just as lightning was cracking across it, electricity jagged and bright in the darkness. I’d kept my feelings contained so thoroughly that it felt as if the doors had been blown off my heart.
Jude’s eyes were dark as he stared down at me. “Kendall,” he rasped.
I sensed his hesitation. “We’ve already kissed. Twice,” I whispered.
My sense of impatience was burgeoning, gathering force and speed inside me. I reached for his hand. It was warm and strong as his fingers curled around mine. He held it for a moment and then looked down, almost in surprise.
I took the lead, closing the distance between us and placing my palm on his chest where I could feel the thump of his heart while mine rioted in my chest. I was always the good girl.
Always taking care of everyone. Never ruffling any feathers.
Making sure to be responsible. To stay out of the way.
Always the one whose needs were put in the corner.
Because I had to be, or at least that was how I felt.
Unlike other people who mattered to me, Jude had truly been there for me when I needed someone. And yet, I was tired, so very weary from keeping my feelings for him tucked away. Hidden in a corner, a corner where maybe those feelings were messy, where maybe they could cause problems.
“Jude,” I said. “We’ve already crossed that line.” I saw the doubts spinning in his eyes. “I promise our friendship comes first. If something happens, that is what matters. You mean too much to me. I’m not going to let it fall apart.”
“It’s not that simple, Kendall.”
“Nothing’s simple, Jude. I’m just asking for one favor from you.”
“What’s that?”
“Be my first.” When I said that, I could feel his heartbeat speed up under my palm. “Please?”
“You know I want you, Kendall. But I don’t want to rush.”
I was all about the rushing. I was afraid I was going to lose this chance, and I wanted to grab hold of it and make sure I didn’t, but I also couldn’t think very clearly. This was Jude. And my emotions were clamoring. My heart, my soul wanted all of it.
More than anything, I just wanted him. Now that we’d kissed more than once, I wanted more than kisses. So much more.
I closed the incremental distance between us, sliding my palm up his chest and around his neck to tug him down as I arched up. The second our mouths met, I felt like that storm in the sky was unleashed. Thunder. Lightning. Rain. A force of nature that couldn’t be ignored.
I hadn’t experienced many kisses, in all honesty.
In fact, far too few, or at least that’s what I thought.
Kisses in my past had usually been a little disappointing.
Although I’d always crushed on Jude, it wasn’t like he was the only guy I’d ever thought was cute.
It’s just he’d been the gold standard. Waiting in the wings of my thoughts. Funny, nice, smart, and so sexy.
The way his hand slid down my back as the other tangled in my curls when he deepened our kiss thrilled me. The way his tongue was bold against mine, claiming my mouth. The way his kiss was masterful without being overwhelming. I loved all of it.
My knees almost gave out at the way his eyes were dark on mine when we broke apart to breathe. It was difficult to breathe in the middle of a kiss, or so I was learning. At least, with this kind of kiss.
No man had ever left me breathless. Jude did it with just a kiss.
He opened his mouth as if to say something else, and I could see him let it go just as quickly. His thumb trailed along the edge of my jaw, slipping upward to notch on my bottom lip.
“You’re so fucking sexy, Kendall.” His voice was a gruff whisper, the sound itself another sensation sizzling through me.
“Kiss me again,” I whispered.
His lips curled up at one corner, and my belly flipped. I felt hot and liquid all over. On the heels of a breath, his mouth was on mine, and I was impatient now, our tongues tangling.
I pressed against him, savoring the hard, muscled feel of his body. Loving how strong he was. How protected and safe I felt with him.
His lips meandered away from my mouth. He nipped lightly at my earlobe, and I shivered all over. “You like that?” he murmured.
The subtle whisper of his breath against my ear with his words sent another shiver through me. Goosebumps rose in a delicious prickle across my skin. I felt him go still and dragged my eyes open. I could tell he was thinking, worried.
“What?” I pressed.
“Let’s talk.”
“You want to talk?” I protested.
“Kendall, I just want to clarify—”
Shocking myself, I reached between us. Good girls didn’t do what I was about to do. I dragged my palm over the swell of his arousal, and his breath hissed through his teeth. He narrowed his eyes, his jaw tightening. “Kendall,” he warned.
“What?” I teased, with another bold stroke.
He put both hands on my shoulders and took a step back. “We’re sitting down on the couch, and we’re having a conversation.”
“Fine.” I strode across my tiny living room and sat down, patting the seat beside me.
Jude let out a breath, something between a snort and a sigh, as he sat. With a good two feet between us, that distance felt electric, vibrating with the force of need between us.
“We’re not doing the whole thing tonight. We’re going to take it one step at a time,” he began.
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, my God, it’s not like I’m completely inexperienced, Jude,” I muttered. “I’ve done pretty much everything but that. And, honestly, the only reason that hasn’t happened is because—” I shrugged. “It hasn’t been all that great with anyone.”
“How many relationships have you even had?” he asked.
“You’re my best friend,” I pointed out. “How many do you think I’ve had?”
“I only know about those two guys you dated in college, and you had that one boyfriend in high school.”
I wanted to lie. Play it off. Pretend like there was so much more than that. Not that more mattered, but I was feeling a little insecure right now. “That’s it,” I said. “You know how it is. My family keeps me busy.”
“Cleaning up the messes of your brother keeps you busy,” Jude said dryly. “I know you put yourself through college by working full-time because you didn’t want to take out any loans. I’m not judging you, but I think we need to take this slow.”
“Why do you get to set the rules?” I demanded.
He rested his elbows on his knees, dropping his face into his hands as he let out a groan. When he straightened, he ran both hands through his hair before they fell with a thwack on the couch.