Chapter Thirty-One
Jude
“How’s Kendall?” my brother asked.
I met Haven’s gaze, lifting one shoulder in a shrug and schooling my expression to something sort of neutral. When the mere mention of Kendall’s name sent a surge of sizzling awareness through me, this was more difficult than it should’ve been.
“Fine. She’s stopping over for dinner.”
Haven nodded slowly. His eyes held a knowing glint, and when his lips quirked up slightly at the corners in a sly grin, I knew he was on to me. But then, I suppose that was a foregone conclusion.
“For what it’s worth, the apartment above the barn is going to be available soon.”
“Huh?” I said flatly.
“Well, we’re finishing up the work on the house for me and Elsa,” Haven added.
I held my brother’s gaze and nodded.
Haven rolled his eyes. “Are you for real?”
“What do you mean?” I hedged.
“We all know you’re in love with Kendall. Even Tommy knows. Good grief. Just face your feelings.” He rolled his eyes.
“I face my feelings.” My tone was defensive. I finished hanging up the last of the gear before turning and crossing my arms over my chest as I rested my hips against a wide table by the wall.
“Maybe for some things, but you haven’t been facing your feelings for Kendall, your best friend since high school.”
“Middle school,” I corrected.
Haven shook his head. “Right.”
I unfolded my arms, lifting a hand to pinch the bridge of my nose before letting it fall. “I know. She’s my best friend. I don’t want to fuck it up.”
“I’m sure you could fuck it up,” Haven began, his tone dry as desert sand. “But it’s also obvious Kendall’s in love with you. What is going on?”
I took a shaky breath, because this morning when I was with Kendall, it had all seemed easy.
We would just be open about what was happening, and it would be fine.
But making it real, making it public, made it feel concrete in a way I hadn’t imagined.
That sent terror spinning through me like a chaotic storm.
Haven finally seemed to catch up to my panic. “Hey, hey, it’s gonna be okay.”
I eyed him, my breath coming out in a gust. “Is it though? It’s too late to take it back.” I circled my hand in the air.
“Oh, oh,” Haven said slowly. “You acted on it?”
“Yes.” I nodded, my brain feeling staticky, and my heart skipping along in an unsteady beat.
“This was always going to happen,” Haven pointed out.
“Was it though? I mean, what if I fuck up the best friendship I have?”
“You’re not going to fuck it up. For that exact reason,” Haven said with more confidence than I felt.
“I’ve never had a serious relationship.” I threw my hands up before dropping them to the edge of the table behind me and curling them around it, as if to anchor myself.
“I never had a serious relationship before Elsa,” Haven pointed out.
“Yeah, but…” My words trailed off.
He pressed his lips together, narrowing his eyes. “Dude, I’m the cranky asshole around here. The odds of me fucking up a relationship are much greater than they are for you.”
I twisted my lips to the side, taking another deep breath, as if enough air could somehow blow away all the uncertainty spinning inside.
“Look, I’m no expert, okay? Elsa and I are one hundred percent together, and she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“I hope so. You’re married,” I interjected.
Haven chuckled. “Precisely. We’re married.
We’re committed. It would take some effort, logistically, for us to screw this up.
But still, I understand. I really do. I understand the panic.
I understand not feeling like you might be able to pull this off.
We’ve lost a lot as a family, so we know what’s at stake.
Love is a challenge because the easy parts are, well, the easy parts. ”
“That’s deep, man,” I commented dryly.
Haven didn’t take the bait and turn it into a joke.
“It is. The challenge is being there for each other when it isn’t easy.
You and Kendall have already nailed that.
I know you’re both there for each other when life gets hard.
” Haven paused, and I could feel him gathering his thoughts. “I know it wasn’t easy.”
“You mean me finding Dad?” I asked flatly.
While we all did go through loss together, we didn’t pretend it didn’t happen, but we often skirted around naming it bluntly. Haven’s eyes pinched, and I saw the pain and grief pass through his gaze. I experienced a sting of regret for being so direct. “I’m sorry,” I began. My voice was gruff.
He shook his head sharply. “It’s okay. Sometimes we just have to say it like it is.
I’ve thought a lot about why I got so fucking irritable for years after all of it.
Sometimes I think it’s just acknowledging we’ve been through some shit together and alone, and we’ve all handled it in our own way.
But one thing, at least for me, is that I know what it means to lose someone I love.
That’s fucking scary. I know how much Kendall already means to you. ”
My fear was clawing inside of me, but I forced myself to breathe. “Yeah. I guess I didn’t really think it through.”
“But how would you feel if you didn’t give yourself this chance with Kendall, knowing how much she means to you? And always has.”
That was a different kind of panic. Because if something happened to Kendall or me, and I just let this chance drift away, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.
I shook my head slightly, clasping the back of my neck.
Obviously, the details were different. Elsa had been gone for years when she returned.
But still, I knew how Haven would feel if he’d missed his chance with her.
“That would fucking suck,” I said flatly. “Way to make it count.”
“I’ll never stop wondering about what it means when we lose people. But if there’s one thing I know, make it fucking count for those you love,” he said.
I pondered my older brother’s words off and on for the rest of the afternoon. Once you lost someone who really mattered, the stakes became higher in life, for yourself, and for anyone you loved in the present or the future.
That evening, I drove over to pick Kendall up at the barn. When she came walking out, her curls in a messy ponytail, her eyes bright, and Travis circling her legs before he came barreling over to me, I knew.
I absolutely knew I didn’t want to lose this chance with her.
I’d be terrified every step of the way, but it was worth the risk.
I stopped in front of her and didn’t even hesitate. I caught her hand in mine, reeled her close, and whispered, “Hey, sweetheart,” against her lips.