23. Killian
Would a jury believe I tripped over a nonexistent bump in the carpet, with my knife in hand, and stumbled into that Davis fucker, accidentally stabbing him directly in the heart?
It sounded legit to me, and the CIA trained me to be one hell of an actor, so….
The feel of a hand on my thigh had me stiffening. Without looking, I knew it wasn’t Millie. Hers never made ants crawl under my skin. There was no control or possessiveness in her hold. Unlike the one now inching higher on my thigh. Swallowing down the guilt and disgust, I turned with a grin at the woman who cornered Millie in the bathroom, Davis’s wife.
With her sitting so close, and this time me not focused on restraining my murderous thoughts, the pallor of her skin and the sweat lining her hairline were obvious. There was even a slight tremble in her fingers as they tightened along my thigh. Though her gaze was zeroed in on my shoulder, the fear behind her eyes was unmistakable.
“What did you think of class?” she asked in a monotone voice that sent a pulse of alarm through my system.
“It was great.” I leaned back in the uncomfortable chair and stretched both arms out wide, one along the back of the empty seat to my left and the other along hers. A shiver of revulsion spread from the small contact with her hair despite no skin-to-skin contact. That was the only positive to the stuffy fucking suits my arrogant persona wore. “The theory of talking to my wife to ensure she understands my expectations and needs is solid. Though that hasn’t really worked in the past. She consistently fails to meet the baseline of what someone of my family’s caliber requires.”
“And what’s that?” she asked.
“How we are viewed is everything. It’s why we are here. For her to get her shit figured out and for me to connect with Pastor Paul.” Her brows rose a fraction before schooling her features.
“And why is that, Kurt?” I turned at the sound of Davis’s voice. His smile widened when his gaze landed on his wife’s hand on my thigh.
I stood, enjoying the fact I towered over the slimy fucker. “Pastor Paul has surrounded himself with powerful friends and knows half of DC. After his fight for this place’s religious freedom, which he took to Capitol Hill, it proved his power. I want in on that. The company I built is just the first step to where I want to be. At the fucking top, where my family always lands.” I cut my gaze to his wife and bit my lower lip. “And the other benefits of this place are becoming more and more enticing.”
“You’re correct on many points,” Davis chuckled. “I don’t normally do this, but I’d like for you and your wife to join us tonight for dinner. Our house is in town, not on the church grounds. It would be an honor to talk in depth regarding all the ways Pastor Paul and the leadership team here at The Union of Blessed Souls can help you achieve all your goals.”
With a fake-ass smile, I held my hand out and shook his. “Just let me know when and where.”
After releasing my hand, he held it out toward his wife and dragged her away. A calming presence paused beside me, and my genuine smile pulled at my lips.
“Dinner. Really?” Millie grumbled behind the bottle of water hovering over her lips.
“You wanted to talk with her,” I said under my breath so no one close could hear our conversation. “And maybe we could do a little snooping. You said he’s at the top of the food chain here, right?” That pink hair slid forward with her slight nod. “Fuck, I love that hair on you. So damn sexy.”
The corners of her lips twitched, only to tug down in a slight frown. “Then why haven’t you… why haven’t we… you know?”
My stomach tightened, knowing exactly what she meant. Fuck, how could I explain what this place was doing to me, what pretending to be this person made me feel like, and how it affected me on a cellular level? Plus, what I had to do in the classes, the posturing and touching. It was too much, and at the end of the day, safe with her, all I could do was shut down.
“Later,” I said, turning to Millie. “Back at the cottage.” Her responding nod was hesitant as she stared at a blank spot on the wall instead of flicking those dark brown eyes up to me. “Trust me.”
“I do,” she whispered. “I always have.”
Before I could voice how much that meant to me, one husband in the class came up and started a conversation. Not wanting her soothing presence to vanish, I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and held her close to my side. I didn’t give a fuck what it looked like to the teachers and leadership team.
I needed my Millie.
Or I was seconds away from burning the whole place down.
Three long-as-hell hours later,the late afternoon breeze whipped through the open golf cart we rode in together. My loose, long blond strands smacked at my face as I kept my gaze straight ahead. In the last class, they separated us again, and I was not okay.
Not by a fucking long shot.
I eyed the security fucker driving the cart slower than a damn slug, as if he could feel my pulsing urgency for Millie and was being a dick by taking the longest route while barely pressing on the gas pedal.
“Hurry the fuck up,” I snapped, unable to take it any longer.
Instead of looking pissed, he smirked over his shoulder. “I can only imagine how it is after all those classes,” he chuckled. “I’d be worked up, too.”
Blowing out a calming breath, I fixed my cocky smile in place and leaned forward, both forearms pressed to the seat beside the asshole.
“I don’t know how you do it. Seeing all the… options… all day every day but not being able to participate.” I wasn’t sure if that was true or not.
“Oh, we’re well compensated.” Lead filled my stomach at the way he said the word compensated. “We all believe in Pastor Paul’s vision, knowing he’s the way to true enlightenment.” Oh, poor man, he was simpleminded. I should cut him some slack, but I wouldn’t. “During the leadership meetings while they meet and fuel Pastor’s visions.” There was that phrase again about fueling his visions. I really didn’t want to know more about that, but it was my fucking job to understand all aspects of this place, even if it made me want to jump out of this moving cart into a tank of hungry alligators. “We’re on point, making sure no one interrupts. If everything goes smoothly, we’re taken care of later.”
The cabin Millie and I shared came into view as we rounded a bend.
“Everyone here seems on board with everything Pastor Paul says. What happens if they disagree?”
The man’s lips tightened into a straight line, the edges turning white. “They won’t if they truly understand the light and the sacrifices Pastor Paul makes to ensure we’re on the path to being saved.”
“But what if they did?”
“Then they leave.”
“On their own?”
He said nothing until we stopped in front of the cabin. I shifted to step out but paused when his soft words hit my ears.
“I’ll only say this once.” Gaze locked on me, he sat up straight and braced a forearm on the steering wheel. “Because I can see you want to find somewhere to belong, to uncover the full potential of your life?—”
“And you think my wife is fucking hot?” I hated the huffed words.
He smirked, staring at Millie like he’d done most of the drive. “That helps, too. I sure as hell wouldn’t mind those seconds if you ever make it to the leadership team.” Well, fuck. I was on such a good roll, not having premeditated murderous thoughts in the last hour, but this asshole had to go and ruin that streak. “But no one is keeping anyone here against their will. Hell, the FBI has been here before, trying to shut us down. But they can’t because everything is consensual and between legal adults.”
“So, if my tastes are slightly… darker?” I arched a questioning brow. The insinuation in those words made me want to punch myself in the dick. With brass knuckles. Adorned with spikes. That were on fire.
“Then you’ll need to find that outside of the church grounds.” He didn’t say I couldn’t participate in said darker kinks, just not here on-site. Made me wonder what the houses off-site might hold. “But take it from me, follow the rules, believe in Pastor Paul, and everything will be good. This, he, is the way to true happiness.”
“And you’re happy after this light business he’s selling?”
His smile grew. “Fuck yeah, I am. I was miserable as shit before taking an online enlightenment class. After that day, I was hooked. Sold all my shit in Nebraska and moved here to be fully immersed into the community. Pastor Paul gave me a job and believed in me. That’s more than I ever had in my old life.”
I nodded and stepped out of the cart, fingers moving to button my suit jacket. “Good to know. Thanks for the lift.”
“Mr. Culler mentioned you two are invited to dinner at their place.” I dipped my chin in acknowledgment. “I’ll have a cart come get you and a car waiting to take you at seven.”
The sputter of the small engine filled the air as he took off down the path. If I had my gun, I could take him out, putting a bullet in the back of his head. Everyone would assume it was just an unfortunate golf cart accident. Surely they wouldn’t notice the 9mm bullet lodged in his brain.
“You coming inside or just hanging out there all day like a weirdo?” Small pebbles crunched beneath the soles of my shoes as I spun around to face Millie. Her dark eyes scanned my face. “You look like you’re devising some diabolical plan to take over the world.”
“Or kill one motherfucker who dared to acknowledge how fucking attractive my wife is,” I offered. Shoving both hands into the pockets of my slacks, I strode to the door. “He’s not wrong. I just have this urge to cut out the tongue of anyone who voices it out loud in front of me.”
She blinked up at me, slightly shocked at the anger and truth in my words, no doubt.
“Did you kill him?”
My head tilted to the side. “You’re smart enough to know if he were dead, he couldn’t drive off into the sunset on that dumbass cart he drives like a ninety-year-old with vision problems.”
“Pretty sure all ninety-year-olds have vision problems.” A smile pulled at her lips, taking my breath away for a single heartbeat. Fuck, she was perfection personified. Everything about her was made for me. “But not the security guy; Chad Parker, from school.”
A low growl rumbled in my chest at that name. “Why the fuck are you thinking about that douche?” Worry rushed through me. I gripped her shoulders in a demanding hold. “Did someone hurt you?” My lip curled as I stormed into the cabin, searching for that motherfucker Hunter. “Where was he? Where the hell was that fucker whose only job is to keep you safe while you were?—”
A hard tug on my jacket whirled me around.
“Killian,” she whispered. “I need you to calm down, okay? Take a deep breath and just… I need rational Killian back, please.” My eyes narrowed, which made her laugh. “Forget I mentioned whatever his name was. Come sit down and talk to me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you on edge like this.”
Falling onto the couch, I released the band holding my hair and ran my fingers through the long strands. Millie sat on the opposite end and curled both knees to her chest.
“Talk to me,” she said. “Tell me what’s going on in that brilliant mind of yours.” I snorted and leaned forward, pressing both elbows to the top of my thighs. “If this is too much, then we’ll leave.”
My head whipped her way. “What?”
“Kill, your mental health is more important than this assignment. Someone else can come in during the next set of marriage classes this fall.”
“But it might be too late for her,” I muttered, thinking about that poor girl from the other night. “We’re here for Karigan.”
Millie nodded. “We are, but—and this might make me selfish—I’m more worried about you. I don’t like seeing you hurting and on edge. When I suggested we do this, I did not know it would take this kind of toll on you.”
“And it’s not on you?” I said with a fake laugh. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you’re not sleeping.” She quickly looked away, clearly hiding something. “What?” She shook her head. Reaching across the distance between us, I gripped her ankle and tugged. Her squeal of surprise filled the space, coming to an abrupt halt when I wrapped an arm around her to settle her on my lap. “Tell me.”
She worried at her lower lip. “It’s not me having the issue sleeping,” she whispered.
It took a second for her words to make sense. “You’re waking up because of me.”
With a sigh, she leaned her head on my shoulder and wrapped an arm around me. A relaxed sigh brushed past my lips. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but I think you need to let some of your past go. Talking about it is the best way to do that. You know it is, even if you don’t want to admit it.”
Her soft hair brushed along my cheek. “There are some things better left buried than letting those toxic memories infect your mind, too.” She didn’t say a word, simply held me as tight as I held her, allowing me a moment to absorb her comfort. Suddenly, the words bubbled out, with me unable to stop them. “I’m terrified.” I swallowed hard. I put that out there and had to follow it up with an explanation. “Not only about our current fucked-up situation, that I won’t be there when you need me, but that I’ll ruin you.”
“How would you do that, Kill, when I feel the safest I’ve ever felt when you’re near me? Even when you’re not, it feels like you’re out there watching over me.” I cringed, knowing there was a slight truth to her words that I hadn’t admitted to. Soon. Maybe she’d be turned on by my stalkerish tendencies when it came to her safety and my obsessive need to check in on her.
That was a strong and hopeful maybe.
“I’ve done a lot of horrific shit because of orders. I couldn’t question the why or even balk at the way they wanted me to obtain the information needed. What if my past catches up with me and puts you in the crosshairs? What if this inky darkness that taints me from the inside out spreads to you?”
Palm to her cheek, I urged her back enough to look down into her searching gaze.
“I won’t be your ruin, Millie, and that’s exactly what I’ll do. But I can’t walk away from you, either. I won’t. That makes me a fucking bastard because I should, and I know I should.”
“What about what I want?” she asked, heat in her tone. “Did you ever think to ask me what I wanted or explain why you feel the way you feel?”
“You have no idea what lives in my head, Millie.”
“Then tell me,” she snapped. “Give me a glimpse inside so I can help you, Killian. Let me fucking help you.”
My lips pursed, trying to keep the words unspoken, but the determined look in her narrowed eyes cracked my defenses. It was time to tell her, at least let her have a glimpse inside my darkness. What she did from there, how she reacted, was the ultimate test for us as a couple.
“I don’t know how it happened, but this group of arms dealers I infiltrated, thirteen months into the assignment, discovered I wasn’t who I said I was.” My stomach rolled, remembering the utter terror that flowed through my veins when I realized they knew. “I was in Argentina, at their compound, and…” I shook my head to quiet the memories that attempted to swallow me whole. “I was held for two months.”
“Killian,” she whispered against the skin of my neck. “How did you get out?”
“After everything they did and barely giving me enough food and water to stay alive, they assumed I was too weak to attempt an escape. But do you know what they didn’t account for?”
“That you’re a determined badass?”
My chest vibrated with a chuckle. “You.”
She pulled back. “Me?”
“Every night, when I wanted it to be my last, I prayed that they’d just end it already instead of—” I cleared my throat. She didn’t need their unique torture techniques and the resulting blinding pain in her head. “It was the memory of you that kept me going.” My palms sealed to her cheeks. “The hope that one day I’d get to see you again, hold you.” I swallowed, the mounting emotions making my voice crack. “You’re what got me through the absolute worst time in my life and have ever since. There hasn’t been a day that you haven’t helped me keep going.”
Pulling her closer, I sealed my forehead to hers.
“Thank you for fighting,” she whispered, “so we could be here.”
“Deep in a sex-crazed cult, trying to liberate a child trapped in its clutches and possibly uncover other dubious acts?”
She huffed a laugh. “With me.” Soft lips brushed against my own, sending a shiver down my spine.
“Not all of my scars are internal, Millie. My body is littered with physical reminders of what happened, what I went through.”
Cold-ass hands slid along my neck and dove into my hair. “That’s why I haven’t seen you without a shirt on.” I nodded. “Are you embarrassed?”
My shoulders lifted in a shrug. “Maybe. That’s why when… in the past, when I needed an outlet, the woman knew upfront about my needs.”
“Which were? You haven’t said anything to me.”
Damn, was that hurt in her tone?
“That goes back to the whole your touch is the only one I want, the only one that doesn’t make me hate myself. Your touch is comforting. Even just you being close soothes the jagged edges of my broken soul. In the past, I made sure my partner for the night was restrained, and I never fully undressed, or I blindfolded them if needed. I don’t let anyone see my scars unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
Like a drugged woman lying naked on a rotten mattress in a serial killer’s basement. My scars didn’t even cross my mind when I whipped the T-shirt off my back and laid it over her. Though considering the circumstances, I doubted Hudson even noticed.
“Show me,” Millie demanded. “I won’t… it doesn’t matter, Killian. Scars or no scars, you’re mine.”
“Damn right,” I practically snarled, before slamming my lips to hers.
Angling her head with a firm grip on her hair, I deepened the kiss, pouring all the worry and stress and pain from the conversation into her. And she took it all. Pulling the broken pieces of my soul back together with her unwavering commitment to me.
A hard knock on the door sounded through the room, but neither Millie nor I paid it any attention. At least not until it continued, shifting from demanding to impatient. Her soft sigh brushed against my lips as she pulled back.
Palms to her cheeks, I slid both back, pushing pink hair away from her face. “Guess our break from the current reality is over.”
Her soft smile sent a wave of reassurance through me. “That might be, but we’re not. Not ever.”
Fuck, I hoped that was true.
Because if there were a point in the future where she wasn’t in my life, it wasn’t a life I’d want to live.