Chapter Thirteen
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
DRAVEN
L ying in the doc’s bed with her head on my chest is surreal.
I slowly trace my fingers up and down her arm, unable to speak.
Not knowing what I’d say even if I could.
It’s been silent in the room since we crashed down onto the bed and curled into one another about ten minutes ago.
I’ve been waiting for the guilt to set in ever since.
It would make sense for it to happen now, at a time when my mind is quiet and content for the first time in… I can’t even remember how long. To pick this perfect moment to take me by surprise and tear me to shreds.
But it still hasn’t reared its ugly head.
I’ve also been anticipating a sign to let me know the doc wants me out of here, but that hasn’t come yet either. And I’m dying to know what she’s thinking.
“Tell me something about yourself, Doc.”
I feel her gentle laugh as she runs her hand over my chest.
“That’s not how this works, Draven.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure fucking your patient isn’t how this works either.”
She lifts her face to mine and narrows her eyes at me.
“Come on. Just one little thing? I told you about me. Fair is fair.”
She scrunches her adorable button nose before folding her arms across my chest and resting her chin on top of them.
“Fine.” Relenting, I watch as her eyes bounce around the room, scouring her brain for one simple thing about herself. I wait for it to be her favorite color or some other menial fact, so I’m surprised when it isn’t. “My dad left us when I was nine. My parents had taken me and a friend to New York City for a weekend to celebrate my birthday, and he met someone while we were there.”
“Oh, wow. I’m so sorry.” I curl her hair behind her ear. “It’s painful, losing a parent, but I can imagine it hurts worse knowing they chose to leave you.”
She scoffs. “Yeah…”
“Do you ever talk to him or see him anymore?”
“No. His new relationship didn’t work out, and he tried crawling back to mom and me when I was eleven. But neither one of us wanted anything to do with him at that point.”
She grows quiet, and I try to think of something else to say, but she speaks again.
“Draven…” When her voice falters, I place my palm on her cheek to urge her to say whatever it is that’s on her mind. “What were you thinking about, or trying to do, the night that you crashed your bike?”
My eyes move from hers to the dresser across her room as I think about how to respond. I know the answer, but it’s nothing more than I was being incredibly stupid and reckless.
“Have you ever been in the worst kind of misery, the kind where pain or death feel like the only solution you have to get out of it?”
“I’ve been sad and lonely before, but I don’t know that I’ve ever felt what you’re describing, no.”
“Well… That’s the only way I can explain to you what was going through my mind at the time of my unfortunate behavior.”
She smiles at me, but it doesn’t quite meet her eyes.
“Thank you for sharing that with me.” I like that she appreciates my honesty, but what she says next knocks me back down a couple pegs. “I think if you can keep up with this candor, it will go a long way in your healing journey.”
Her words remind me that she’s still my therapist, and I’ll only ever be just her patient. I’m not stupid enough to think this is anything more than getting caught up in lust and needing someone to cure the ache. I have no notions that this will go any further than it has today either. But I’m at a loss as to why her words make my stomach sour.
We’re quiet again as I mentally try to beat my feelings of rejection away. When I find it’s impossible to do so, I change the subject instead.
“What about your mom? Are you guys close?”
This time she groans, and a pain forms in my chest, thinking about my own mother.
“We’re close, yes. But… It’s complicated. She’s extremely clingy. She’s actually the one who called two times in a row the first day you were here. You’d think it was an emergency, right? It wasn’t. She just freaks out when I don’t answer.” She lazily trails a fingernail over my torso as her eyes flare with ire. “It took me ten minutes to talk her into getting out of her car and abandoning a rescue mission. She does that shit all the time. I moved two hours away from her, but I still can’t avoid the occasional unannounced visit. I feel like moving to a colony on the moon still wouldn’t keep her away.”
I fight the feeling of wanting to lash out at her. I would give anything to be able to see my mother, healthy, again.
“Sounds to me like she just worries about you.”
“Look, Draven, I know you had a close bond with your mother before she got sick. But not all familial relationships work the same way.”
I regret saying anything when she slowly pulls away and sits on the side of the bed. Wrapping up in the throw she draped herself in earlier, she stands.
“I need to hop in the shower. I have a few more things to do before my five o’clock gets here. There’s another bathroom downstairs if you need to clean up before you go.”
Getting the hint that she’d like me to leave, I sit up and let the sheet covering me fall to my hips. Mild amusement plays on my features as I catch her taking in my naked torso.
“No, it’s okay.” I pull the sheet from my body and sit on the edge of the bed, grabbing my boxer briefs from the floor. “I don’t want to keep you any longer. Besides, Atticus is supposed to help me start fixing my bike today.”
“Oh, that’s great.” Her hand lands on her chest, and relief shines in her eyes. As though she’s pleased I’m not pouting like a rejected puppy at her blatant termination of both our conversation and the bubble of lust we were just floating in. “I know you’re looking forward to getting that back up and running.”
I offer her a tight smile and allow her to mentally push me further away from her.
“I’ll lock the bottom lock when I go.” She nods her thanks to me before entering her bathroom and closing the door.
* * *
“Earth to Draven...” I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts to focus on Atticus.
Reaching toward me, he motions to the wrench in my hand.
“Sorry, man.” I hand it over to him so he can fasten the bolt that holds my back tire onto the axle.
“All good. So do you care to share where your brain keeps running off to? I don’t mind fixing your bike, but it will get done faster if you help. If it will keep you focused to talk about it, by all means...”
“Fuck, Atty.” Staring at the concrete floor of the garage, I blow the breath from my lungs as I consider the implications of telling him what the doc and I did. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin.”
Truth is, I don’t know if I’m ready to talk about what happened with anyone yet. I’m still having a hard time processing it myself.
“Yeah?” Tightening the bolt into place, he spins the tire before giving it a shake to make sure it’s secure. “Well, judging by the fact that you appear a little lighter on your toes this afternoon than you have been in a while, I’m going to take a stab at it and say it has something to do with that doctor lady.”
My head snaps up, and my eyes lock on his.
“How do you know about the doc?”
“Royce told me about making you go. He asked me to help keep an eye on ya.”
I Incline my head, not exactly happy he knows but not angry either. I get it.
I’m sure I would have told him eventually anyway.
“Well…” Rubbing my chin, I brace myself for whatever reaction Atticus will have once I tell him what I was up to this afternoon. “She’s finally getting me to open up a little.”
“That’s good, then.” Atticus points to the new rear fender we got earlier at the parts store. I pick it up from the ground, and he helps me slide it into place over the tire.
I look across my bike at Atty as he secures the fender in place on his side.
I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to spill the details of what happened earlier to him. I don’t know why or where this need is coming from. It’s not like he and I have discussed our sex lives in length before. Maybe it’s the sharing bug the doc is trying to instill in me. Or maybe it’s the fact that it was a one-time, casual hookup.
Maybe I need him to keep me convinced that nothing will ever come of it.
I wait for him to pry more, to help pull what I’m dying to tell him from me, but it’s almost like he’s avoiding my eyes on purpose. He focuses his attention on the fender, causing me to blurt it out on my own.
“I fucked her, Atty.” His grip on the socket wrench loosens, resulting in it clamoring loudly to the ground below. His wide eyes shoot to mine, his mouth brimming wide with excitement. “Twice.”
The second the information is out, I regret it. Casual or not, she deserves more respect than that. At least I didn’t say it as though it was a conquest.
“Well, then…” His eyes relax, and he bites his lower lip.
“ Fuck .” I nervously scratch my fingers over my eyebrows. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to blurt that out. You don’t want to hear about that. This broad’s got me all fucked-up, talking about my feelings and shit.”
“How the fuck did that happen?” He ignores my rambling. “And is this part of her normal therapeutic routine, because if so, I think I’m beginning to feel a touch of depression settling in my bones.”
Hot jealousy roars through me, but I push it down quickly. I can’t even begin to unpack what feeling that emotion right now means. I just hope I kept my reaction from my face so Atticus didn’t notice. But the cock of his eyebrow and slight lift at the corner of his mouth tells me he did.
Fuck.
“So?” His eyebrows raise as he looks across my bike’s seat at me.
I rear back as I look at him like he has two heads.
“So how did it happen?”
“Oh, um… Shit. I don’t even remember…” My mouth waters as images of her hot, tight body writhing against me flash in my mind. Then it occurs to me that I’d let it slip that I was watching her through her window while she was in bed. “Oh yeah…”
I laugh and scratch the side of my face awkwardly.
“The other night, when I called you to come get me…”
“Yeah…”
“I was at her house. She picked me up from the police station that morning and brought me back to her place for my first session. Well, between my accident, being hungover, and spending the night in jail, I was dog-fucking-tired. I ended up falling asleep on her sofa.”
Atticus gets back to work, but his eyes move back-and-forth between me and my bike, letting me know he’s still listening.
“I woke up in the middle of the night and … kind of went snooping. I ended up finding her … enjoying herself … through the window of her bedroom. It came up in my session earlier, and, well…”
“One thing led to another,” he finishes my thought for me.
“Exactly. But anyway... I’m pretty sure it was a one-and-done experience.”
“Two-and-done, apparently.” The corner of his mouth quirks again, and I can’t stop the smile that spreads on my face. “But how do you know?”
“Trust me, it was as casual as you can get. Plus, it’s not as if I like her like that. I needed to fuck away some stress just as much as she did.”
I lie through my teeth.
Do I want it to happen again? Hell fucking yes. I can’t and won’t deny how much I enjoyed it. But there was a finality in the way she dismissed me. Like she realized we fucked up, and our civil parting of ways was a silent agreement that we will never speak of it—or act on our lust—again.
“No doubt, brother.” Atticus doesn’t meet my eyes this time.
Several minutes pass where the two of us work in unison but don’t speak. This is part of the reason I get along with Atty as well as I do. Neither one of us feel the need to fill silent pauses with small talk or needless chatter.
“I think we can have your bike back in safe riding condition by the end of the week, as long as the rest of the parts come in tomorrow like they’re supposed to.” Atticus eventually breaks through the noise of tools cranking and metal clanking against metal.
“Thank you, again, for getting them ordered as quickly as you did. It was the furthest thing from my mind two days ago. But between therapy with the doc…” Atty’s eyebrows start dancing across his forehead. “ Actual therapy … and working on my bike with you, I think this is just what I need to get my mind and my life back on track. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt okay, but I think I may finally be starting to get there.”
“You know I’ve got your back, Draven. Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”
At a loss for words, I simply nod my head at my brother and friend.
I don’t know what I would do without him.