Chapter Thirty
CHAPTER THIRTY
MCKINSEY
I ’ve gone from one terrifying place to another.
But this one is worse.
Much, much worse.
The transport from Gettysburg to Park felt like it took days instead of an hour. For the entire ride, all I could think about were those people who depend on me the most. The ones who have no reason to believe I won’t be around for them tomorrow. Or the next day. A week from now. A month.
The severed cracks in my heart deepen further with each thought.
I know what it feels like to lose someone you thought would be a part of your life forever. The pain of their loss is paralyzing.
Prior to a month ago, I used that pain to set a course for the rest of my life.
The way I’ve always kept people at arm’s length.
How long it takes for me to give someone my trust.
You lose a piece of yourself every time that trust is broken. When someone hurts you so badly you don’t know how you’ll survive it. The size of the piece is measured by how much of yourself you freely gave and how much was taken.
I imagine the impact is no different if that person doesn’t intentionally hurt you, but the circumstances of their departure out of their hands.
My mother.
A death sentence for me would be one for her, too.
The limitations I set on our relationship were made in part so she would figure out how to live again. Sometimes you have to figure shit out on your own. You’re not always going to have someone else there to hold your hand.
She had gotten the hang of it enough to find a new husband and get lost in love again for a little while. But when the honeymoon period was over, it was like she began to distance herself from Alexander so she wouldn’t get hurt again.
Guess that toxic trait runs in the family.
And Draven...
I should have stayed away from him for the same reason that I don’t let people get close.
They always leave.
He trusted me to help him during one of the lowest moments of his life—if not the lowest. He probably shouldn’t have.
I know he loves me, but how deeply can you truly love someone after such a short period of time? If I put a stop to things now, he may stumble a little, but it won’t kill him the way it will if he has to watch the life of yet another person he cares about slowly drain away.
If there is one final thing I can do to help him, it will be to cut him off.
“Ms. Caraway?” A woman with gentle eyes and a strong smile pulls me from my dark tailspin as she enters my room—in the hospital’s oncology ward. “Hi, I’m Dr. Reeves. I’m a neurosurgeon here.”
Neurosurgeon?
That’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever heard.
“My team and I were just looking through what Dr. Bennett sent over. You’ve got a tumor measuring roughly six centimeters on your left frontal lobe.”
Never mind. That is the most horrifying thing anyone has ever said to me.
She looks at me, explaining it like she wants to make sure I fully understand what’s happening.
While I comprehend each singular word that leaves her mouth, understanding them all together in one sentence is impossible.
“I’m working with my team to decide whether we should do a biopsy or go ahead and schedule you for surgery.”
“I think I’m going to be sick…” Dr. Reeves moves quickly, grabbing a kidney-shaped bowl from the counter nearby. She holds it out to me a millisecond before I lose my breakfast. I grip the sides of it for something to hold onto. Tears stream down my face, not entirely caused by the force of my stomach expelling the food from my body.
When it appears as though I’m finished heaving, Dr. Reeves hands me a paper towel and takes the bowl away.
“I’ll get you some water to rinse with, okay?”
I don’t answer before she’s already on her way out. As I wipe the vomit from my mouth, I feel myself beginning to hyperventilate. As much as I wish I were strong enough, there’s absolutely no fucking way I can do this on my own.
Before I can spiral completely, Dr. Reeves returns.
“Here you go.” She gives me a new bowl at the same time as she hands me the water. I rinse and spit as she continues speaking. “I was told you came here by yourself, but is there anyone you want to call? I know this is scary. It will help to have someone to lean on.”
“Yes.” My voice comes out in a whisper.
She dumps the contents of the bowl into the hazardous waste bin before returning it to me with more paper towels. “Just in case.”
She smiles, grabbing the phone from my side table and gently laying it in my lap. “I’ll be back as soon as I can to let you know what the team has decided.”
When she’s out of the room again, I grip the phone’s receiver and dial Olivia’s number. Thankfully, she answers right away.
“Olivia Richmond.”
“Don’t tell anyone you’re talking to me.”
“McK? Holy shit we’ve been so worried.” The relief in her voice is palpable, but I believe she just blew my cover.
“Thanks, Liv… I didn’t want Draven to know I called you.”
“Oh! He’s not here. Well, he’s here, but he’s outside. Wait a minute… What the hell is going on?”
“Listen to me very carefully. I’m at Park Hospital.”
“No. Oh, gosh. They brought you to Gettysburg, sweetie.” There is concern in her voice, like she’s worried whatever happened to me messed with my memory.
“I know, but then they transferred me to Park.”
“What? Why?”
I purposely ignore her question. I can’t tell her over the phone. “I asked them not to tell anyone because I don’t want Draven to know.”
Unexpected tears fill my eyes as a sob escapes me.
“McKinsey.” Her voice is thick with emotion. “Please tell me what’s going on.”
Fuck.
“They found a tumor in my brain. I’m waiting right now to see if they’re going to do a biopsy or send me straight to surgery.” Another moan escapes me as a fresh wave of terror sets in.
“Oh my god.” Olivia’s voice is hoarse and barely audible.
“I need you to come here.” Sniffling, I try to compose myself enough to get the rest out. “Do not tell Draven. Don’t even let him know you’re leaving. Just come straight here if you can?—”
“I can’t do that to him. He’s miserable, McK.” Olivia cuts me off, her words hit me like a kick to the gut. “Absolutely fucking heartbroken right now, not knowing what the fuck is going on. The doctors won’t tell us anything.”
My tears begin falling harder, stopping me from being able to speak. Everything I convinced myself of a moment ago… Gone. My heart is breaking, knowing that I’ve hooked him, made him feel , and now I’m going to be the one to crush him all over again.
“He was right, back at your house. You should have gotten into that car. I never should have argued with him about you or your health.” Olivia’s voice cracks as she begins to break down.
“You don’t understand, Liv. He’s lost too many people already. I failed him by letting him get too close to me, especially while he was still grieving. He’s finally able to embrace life and love, and I don’t want to be the one to cause his world to crumble again.”
“It’s too late for that McK. Whether you push him away now or keep him close only for the unspeakable to happen, he’s done for.” The fissures in my heart expand, splitting it completely in two. “If you should have anyone by your side, it’s Draven. I was so very wrong about him, McK. He’s fucking batshit-crazy unhinged, but he’s completely and absolutely in love with you. That man will move heaven and earth to make sure you’re taken care of.”
I cry harder, thinking I should have known better. Thinking I should have gone back to the doctor as soon as my headaches started up again. Wondering if they could have caught this sooner and whether or not I would still be here right now if they had.
“But listen, okay? It may not be as bad as we’re thinking. There are several different types of brain tumors. We shouldn’t just assume the worst.”
“I-I know. I know. Y-you’re right, it’s just h-hard.” I wipe the tears from my face and try to control the sobs trembling through me.
Olivia waits patiently without saying anything else while I get my terror and emotions under control.
“Now, do you want me to go outside and put Draven on the phone?”
“No. I-I’m serious, Liv. You have to swear to me you won’t tell him.”
Olivia sighs like she wants to scream at me. Like she wishes she could reach through the phone and shake some sense into me. But this is for the best.
“Fine, McKinsey.” Oh god. She used my full name.
“I promise not to tell the crazy-ass who threatened to burn this entire building down to get to you that you’re not even inside of it any longer.” Irritation mixes with defeat, both clear in her voice. “I’ll be sure to also not let him know that you convinced the doctors to let you escape without telling either of us.”
Well, when she phrases it like that it sounds bad. Is it too early to blame my erratic behavior and thinking on this tumor?
“Just so you know, I’m not going to forgive you for keeping us in the dark. And when he does finally find out, I’m not even going to try to convince Draven to give you a pass.”
“That’s fair. Thank you, Liv. I love you.”
“I love you, too, McK.”