Chapter Thirty-Four
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
MCKINSEY
W alking into the Evergreen Cancer Center takes every bit of strength that I have in me.
Not only because the tumor pressing on the left side of my brain has made walking difficult, but also because I’m absolutely terrified of what’s about to happen in the next five hours.
Five days.
Five months.
I’m terrified of what my future holds.
I’m petrified of leaving Draven, not having nearly enough time with him.
My mother wanted to come with us, but I told her no. Not for the first time. I am actually glad she and Alexander are here. I was shocked and ready to be furious at Draven and Olivia at first, but the moment Mom wrapped me in her arms, I could feel a strength emanating from her that I haven’t felt in a very long time.
It’s as though she finally realizes that I need her to be the solid, composed one, so that I can fall apart for a change.
It feels like she’s trying to get along with Draven, too. I don’t think it’s him, personally, that she doesn’t like. It’s more that she doesn’t want me giving my time to anyone but her. I think she’s finally coming around, though, knowing how little time we have left to spend together.
“I wish you would have let me drop you off at the front. Save you the extra energy.“ Draven gently squeezes my hand as we walk toward the waiting area.
“It’s not like you parked far away. What? Twenty feet? Besides, the exercise is good for me, I’m sure. I want to be able to do it while I still can.” I banter with him, but it lacks my usual amount of attitude and fire. At this point, it's just a desperate attempt at distraction.
With a deep breath, Draven walks me to a seat then all but forces me into it before checking in at the front desk. The receptionist asks him for my identification and insurance card, which he pulls out of his own wallet.
He commandeered mine at the same time as he did my cell phone in an attempt not to overwhelm me. He and Olivia concocted a lot of plans without me. I don’t know if I like the idea of the two of them being in cahoots.
“Go ahead and get started on these, and we’ll get her back for bloodwork as soon as possible.” The receptionist gives him a clipboard with a bunch of papers on it. “After the blood draw, she’ll come back out here before her treatment begins.”
He looks at the paperwork as he rolls his eyes. I think his least favorite phrase in the whole wide world—at least when it’s directed toward me and my health—is as soon as possible.
He hands me the clipboard then takes his seat next to me, throwing his arm over the back of my chair. He’s silent while I fill out the forms. About halfway through, he pulls out his cell phone, and I see an unknown number on the screen. I think he’s going to ignore it, but to my surprise, he stands.
“Hey. I’ll be right back, okay?” Not waiting for a response, Draven softly kisses me on my cheek before holding the phone to his ear and walking down the hallway toward the building’s exit.
When I get to the pages that highlight the procedure as well as the risks of chemo and radiation treatment, I freeze. The side effects shouldn’t scare me as much as the reason I’m here in the first place does.
But for some reason, I can’t move past them.
A wave of terror passes through me, and I begin to cry. I look down the hallway in the direction of Draven, but I don’t see him standing outside. Panic-stricken, I try to focus on something to center myself.
Breathe through it, McK.
But I can’t. I’d thought I’d come to terms with my now very questionable future. Each day is different from the last. My feelings are all over the place. My hope ebbs and flows opposite of my fear.
“What’s wrong?” My head snaps to my left, to a little boy with brown hair and an infectious smile.
Has he been there this whole time? Why didn’t I notice him before? Where are his parents?
“Nothing.” Shaking my head, I try to snap out of it. “I’m just scared.”
I didn’t mean to say that, but I couldn’t stop myself.
“I don’t know what to expect,” I continue, apparently still unable to shut up. “This is my first treatment.”
Why the fuck am I baring my soul to a child?
“It’s not too bad after a while.” The boy shrugs. “You get used to it.”
“You’re a patient here?” Sniffling, I swallow thickly, trying to control my nerves and stop crying.
“Yeah. I’ve been here a few times. It can be kind of fun sometimes. I get to play video games for hours without my mom telling me they’re going to rot my brain.”
He rolls his eyes at the end of his sentence while shaking his head with attitude. His words make me smile, and I can feel my panic subside a little more.
Just then, a woman comes out of the bathroom and sits down next to him. Guessing it’s his mother, I tear my eyes from him. I don’t want her to think I’m some weird, inappropriate adult talking to her kid.
“Sometimes, I play practical jokes on my nurse.” He pulls my attention back to him, and I tentatively look at the woman beside him to see how she’s going to react. She only looks between us and smiles.
“You do?” I continue the conversation with him. “Like what?”
“Justin…” The woman pats him on the leg and whispers. I smile when he looks at her lovingly. “Make sure you’re not bothering anyone. Okay, buddy?”
“Oh, he’s not. Really. If anything, he's the world’s best distraction.”
She smiles sweetly at me before picking up a magazine to read.
For the next several minutes, Justin details some of his most memorable practical joke moments for me. His laughter is the kind of medicine I need right now. When the receptionist calls his mother up to the counter, I take the moment to ask him some serious questions.
I’m probably fucked-up for doing it, but I need to know how this kid can be so fucking positive and optimistic, knowing his fate.
Does he know what his future holds? Maybe his cancer is beatable, unlike mine?
“Justin, can I ask you what kind of cancer you have?”
When he turns to me to answer, I change my mind. God, where the hell is Draven? He could help me keep my mouth shut if only he were here.
“Never mind, that’s private. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind. My mom tells me it can help to talk about it.”
I turn to look at his mother who is still talking to the receptionist.
“I have GBM.” At Justin’s words, my breath leaves me again. “My doctor said she wants me to do chemo and radiation before they can get in there to try to take it out.”
My heart breaks for this kid. For his family.
“Aren’t you scared?”
Jesus Christ, Mck. If he wasn’t before, you’re sure as shit going to cause him to be.
“Yeah, I am a little.” His admission cuts through me like a knife, and my chest clenches.
“How old are you?”
“I’m eleven.” He answers as he traces an invisible pattern on his jeans.
“You’re an extraordinarily brave eleven-year-old, Justin.”
“Thanks.” He smiles at me again. “My mom says the same thing. She tells me it’s because I’m a superhero.”
Smiling, I fight back tears that threaten to fall all over again.
“I just try not to think about it. We all die, it’s just a matter of when.”
My head shoots back in his direction. I stifle a gasp, not expecting such profound words from such a young boy.
“I think life should be more about how you spend your time while you’re here and less about the amount of time you have to spend.” Justin just shrugs again, like what he said is no big deal.
But his words utterly demolish me. They pick me up from my chair and shake some sense into me. It took this wise-beyond-his-years eleven-year-old exactly three seconds to put my entire existence into perspective.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I smile at him as his mother comes back and stands before us.
“You have an absolute angel here.” Tilting my head toward Justin, she offers me a grin.
“Thank you so much. I think so, too.” She looks from me to him. “Ready, buddy?”
Justin hops up from his seat, but before he takes his mother’s outstretched hand, he turns to me and gives me a hug.
“Good luck.” His voice hits my ears and touches my heart all at once.
It’s as though he’s wishing me luck on both my treatment as well as in life.
“Thank you, Justin. You too.” I squeeze him back as though my life depends on it.
Breaking the hug, he places his hand in his mother’s before they walk into the back with the awaiting nurse.
“Kins!” Draven’s voice echoes down the hallway.
I turn in his direction to find him jogging down the hall toward me. When he reaches me, he drops onto his knees in front of me and cups my face in his hands.
“Hey, I’m sorry I took so long. Is everything okay?” He winces as though in pain, looking back-and-forth between my eyes.
“It’s fine.” Wiping my eyes, I look back to where Justin was just standing. “No matter what happens, we’re going to be okay.”
“I know we are.” He smiles softly at me before pressing his lips together. There is conflict in his eyes, like he has something else to say, but he’s scared. “Kins, I… I have to tell you something.”
“What is it?” Concern, seizing my muscles, I wait for him to drop a bomb.
“I just got off the phone with a doctor from Hudson.”
Something in my stomach flip-flops. Hudson James Hospital in Baltimore is one of the most advanced hospitals in the world.
“I’ve been waiting for their call, but I didn’t want to say anything and get your hopes up. They want you to come in tomorrow for additional testing. Is that something you’d be okay doing?”
Draven’s eyes plead with me to accept this gift I’ve just been given.
Oh my god.
My heart begins to soar until I remember that there’s no cure, no hope for survival.
And then I replay Justin’s words in my head again, that life is supposed to be about how you spend your time, not the amount of time you have to spend. If I have any chance to make the remainder of my time here the best I can, this is it.
How can I possibly say no?
“Of course, I’ll go. But wait… How did you know to call him? What else have you been up to behind my back?”
“Lots of things.”
With a smile and a wink, Draven leans in and kisses me from one cheek across my lips to the other.
“You’re family now, and this family has each other’s backs before anything else. Whether near or far, and if God forbid I’m ever not around, you will always have someone looking out for you, Kins.”