Chapter Thirty-Five
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
DRAVEN
D espite the Zofran they gave Kins yesterday, she’s been nursing a queasy stomach since we left the infusion center.
I’m not sure if it’s due to the chemo or if she’s just as nervous as I am about our appointment with Dr. Faust. She was also up most of the night with extensive pressure in her head. If we weren’t already headed to Hudson today, I’d be taking her right back to the ER.
Not that they’d be able to do shit for her.
“I wish you’d try to eat something.” Kins sits next to me at the dining room table, sipping her coffee. She’s as green as the fucking Grinch.
“I promise, I’m fine with my coffee. It’ll help settle my stomach. I swear.”
Atticus, Saxon, Ronin, and Zephyr are all seated at the table, finishing their eggs and bacon. I’m sure the smell isn’t helping her. The rest of the club has already eaten and are getting ready for the drive to Baltimore today. When we got home last night, Royce informed us of the club’s intention to see us safely down to the city.
“Kins, listen.” Turning fully in my chair, I face her, tugging her legs between mine so I have her full attention. “Nothing bad can come of this appointment. When we leave his office today, we will either be exactly where we are now or have a better course of action than the one we got from Dr. Reeves.”
“No, I know.” She squeezes my knee. “I was content to do my chemo and radiation and live out whatever life I have left. But that phone call is trying to instill a hope in me that I’m not sure I want to have. It’s hard not to, with the reputation of the doctors at Hudson.”
“I know. I’m fighting to not do the same.” Kissing her gently, our conversation ends. There isn’t much more to say that we haven’t already said to one another.
McKinsey finishes her coffee as the remaining guys polish the food from their plates.
“Good luck today, McK.” Delilah calls out from the living room.
I rub at the pang in my chest when I see Kins return her smile. Despite how sick she is, she’s still the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen
Royce is by Delilah’s side, pulling her in for a hug before kissing her goodbye.
“Okay, let’s get ready to roll out!” he shouts to everyone still left in the house. “Caravan’s leaving in five.”
* * *
Hudson James Hospital couldn’t be more different from both Gettysburg and Park.
Ronda, a patient coordinator, has been glued to our side the entire time, providing step-by-step expectations at every turn of our visit, making the past three hours fly by.
This is the level of communication I expect to have in every medical facility. Clearly, this hospital runs on a much heftier budget than the small-town facilities at home.
Other than the shock on her face when the eleven of us first walked through the front doors, she hasn’t missed a beat. She seemed extremely relieved when I assured her the rest of the club would be waiting for us outside until the appointment was over.
I rub my hand down McKinsey’s leg, trying to relax it enough to steady the anxious bobbing it’s been doing since Ronda dropped us off in the waiting room forty-five minutes ago. With Kins’s new MRI concluded, we’ve been biding our time until we finally get to meet with Dr. Faust.
Another five minutes goes by before Ronda comes back for us. She leads us into a fancy office with furniture that looks like it costs more than the entire clubhouse.
“Please take a seat and make yourselves comfortable.” Ronda waves us toward the couch on the far wall of the room.
It’s situated between two large, wooden bookshelves matching those behind the impressive desk that sits in front of a huge window overlooking the entire city.
“Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee?”
Kins is quiet, so I answer for us both. “No, thank you. But we appreciate it.”
“Dr. Faust should only be a few more minutes.” Ronda smiles before leaving us again.
When Kins walks to the window instead of sitting down, I join her. We’ve been sitting forever. As we silently look out over the city, I reach down to take her hand in mine.
“Thanks so much for your patience.” We turn toward the voice, seeing a man walk into the office. “I’m Dr. Faust.”
After shaking each of our hands, he invites us to sit down to discuss the results of today’s MRI.
I pull out a chair for Kins before dropping into the one next to it. She remains stoic, leaning against the seat back while I arch forward with my elbows on the edge of his desk, anxiety igniting every cell in my body.
When he has the image up on his computer, he turns the monitor around so we can all see it.
“Holy shit.” The image on the screen looks nothing like the one we saw at Park. “My eyes are far from trained to look at these things, but even I can tell there’s a huge difference between this one and her initial scan.”
“You’re absolutely right.” Grabbing his mouse, Dr. Faust outlines the tumor on the screen. “While the shape and size of the tumor remains the same, this area here was fuzzy on the scan from Park.”
He pulls up the old scan, placing it side-by-side with the new one. It’s like looking at a Polaroid from the 80s versus an image taken by the fucking Hubble.
I grind my teeth, my molar sawing away at my enamel as I try to contain my fury over the poor quality of the machine used at Park.
What if Royce never reached out to Morwyn?
What if we’d just accepted the fate that Dr. Reeves and her staff tried to force on us?
“But on the image from today’s scan, you can see there appears to be a more defined separation between the healthy and unhealthy parts of the tissue.”
My breathing quickening, I look back at Kins to gauge her reaction. She’s leaning forward, looking between the two images with tears in her eyes. When she grabs onto my leg, I cover her hand with my own, squeezing it.
“So,” she begins, her eyes still frantically scanning each image as though she doesn’t quite believe what she’s seeing. “What does this mean, Dr. Faust?”
“Well…” Sitting back in his chair, he steeples his fingers beneath his chin. “There are a couple options on the table.”
McKinsey’s grip tightens around my leg before loosening again. I can feel her hope restoring, but I know she’s as afraid as I am to acknowledge it.
“One option would be to move forward with chemo and radiation which could shrink it over time. Another option is to sign up for medical trials that are starting soon at our campus down the road.”
I find both options equally underwhelming. I don’t know what I expected, though. That this place held some magical cure for her?
When I squeeze Kins’s hand, her eyes meet mine. The luster that briefly shined in her eyes has vanished. She as heartbroken as I am at her options.
“Or…” Dr. Faust begins again. “We can do surgery.”
Both of our heads snap back in his direction.
“I thought surgery was out of the question.” McKinsey’s voice is shaky, as though anticipation and hesitation are running through her.
“It was. For the doctors at Park Hospital but not for us. I’m confident I can remove at least 90 percent of the tumor. The remainder of which we can get with chemo and radiation post-op. A craniotomy is a tough surgery, but it’s just another day in the office for the team here.”
McKinsey closes her eyes as a breath of air rushes from her. I scoot my chair closer to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as tears cascade down her cheeks. I can’t tell if she’s scared or relieved.
“What would keep you from being able to remove all of it?” I run my free hand over my jaw.
“Think of it as a tumor with hundreds of tiny arms protruding from it. These arms dig into the healthy tissue surrounding the tumor. While we can get in there and get the mass out, these arms will essentially get cut off and remain, stuck in that healthy tissue before spreading farther. Does that make sense?”
I nod, reluctantly.
“That’s where the chemo and radiation will come in, to zap and kill the rest of it.”
“Kill it? For good?” Hope hangs in the balance between us and Dr. Faust.
“For a while…” he answers. “Everyone is different, and their length of survival is dependent on how well they respond to treatment.”
I hate the dread that still lingers, knowing that even with the surgery, this won’t be the end of it. Kins’s life will continue to remain on the line.
“I can give you both some time to think about the best course of action for you. I’ll be back in a few?—”
“Are you married doc?” I cut him off before he makes it out of his seat.
“Yes.” He answers matter-of-factly.
McKinsey and I lock eyes, mine staying glued to hers as I ask my next question.
“If it were your wife, what would you do?”
She smiles weakly at me, and I take a second to forever burn into my memory how stunning she is right now. Finally, when I look back at the doctor, he answers.
“No question. I would do the surgery.”
Pulling my lip through my teeth, I nod.
“Surgery it is, then.”
He looks at Kins to make sure she’s on board, smiling when she bobs her chin and hums in agreement.
“I was hoping you’d be amenable to my suggestion. It’s why I’ve already had a conversation with our team, which includes one of the top neurosurgeons in the world. We’re all in agreement that surgery is indicated in McKinsey’s case.”
When Kins glances at me, my chest constricts, suddenly stricken by anxiety over this huge decision.
“What kind of time frame are we looking at?” I shift nervously in my seat, wiping the sweaty palm of my free hand down the denim of my jeans.
“We scheduled your pre-op appointment for one o’clock today. As long as everything checks out and you’re deemed healthy enough, we’ll bring you back in tomorrow morning at seven o’clock for surgery.”
Before the information has a chance to set in, I hear McKinsey struggling to suck air into her lungs. My hand immediately drops from her shoulders to her back, delicately rubbing it to try to help her relax.
“Hey… Shh… It’s okay, Kins.”
I hear Dr. Faust press a couple buttons before asking Ronda to bring us some water.
“It’s … just … a-a lot.” Kins is practically hyperventilating as I try my best to keep myself from falling apart with her. “Everything’s happening … so fast.”
“I know… I know.” I can’t think of anything to say to her that could make her feel better. Not when it feels like there’s a brick in the bottom of my stomach.
In no time, Ronda flies into the room and hands me a bottle of water. Opening it, I hold it up for Kins to take a sip.
“I’m going to give you guys some privacy. I won’t press forward with the pre-op until I hear from you first and you tell me if it’s a go. Okay? Take all the time you need.”
Lifting my chin to the doc, I don’t take my attention off of Kins.
“Hey, come here.” I pull her into my arms then walk her over to the sofa. “Why don’t you lay back and try to catch your breath.”
I have no fucking idea if this will help. I’m at a complete loss. Thankfully, she listens to me, and after a few minutes, her breathing slows.
“I’m sorry.” My heart hurts to see tears spring to her eyes again. I wipe them away for her, but they just keep coming.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Kins.” She sits up and leans forward. With her elbows digging into her knees, she supports her head in her hands, looking absolutely miserable. “Look, if you don’t want to do the surgery, I’m not going to force you. I just think we need to throw everything we can at this. It’s our best shot.”
“No, I know.” Bawling, she wipes her eyes and sniffles. “I know it is.”
Suddenly, she sits up straight and wiggles her body as though she’s trying to shake some sense into herself.
“Let’s do it. God, I’m fucking terrified … but I’m going to be regardless of which treatment option we pick.”
Her voice is still thick with tears, contradicting the strength beginning to surface in her features. Closing her eyes, she takes a few deep breaths to calm herself down, and when she looks at me again, there is determination burning in her eyes.
“Go get Dr. Faust. Tell him I’m ready.”
Cupping her face in my hands, I look past her velvet-brown eyes and straight into her soul, like I’m trying to etch my feelings into her permanently, so she can never forget how I feel about her.
“Kins… I love you, you know that? Today. Tomorrow. Forever.”
My declaration pulls more tears from her eyes, but I’m pretty sure these are happier ones.
“I love you, Mac.” My heart swells the moment my name leaves her lips. “I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving someone.”
With a sob, she fists my shirt in her palms and leans in, kissing me as though it will be the last time.