Chapter Thirty-Six
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
MCKINSEY
I ’ve barely had a moment to think since we left Dr. Faust’s office yesterday.
And that’s how I prefer it.
The more time I have to think, the higher the chances are that I’ll fucking hyperventilate into oblivion and never recover.
After we got home, the club—Draven, mostly—seemed driven to keep my mind off everything related to my cancer and today’s surgery. There was someone around us at all times, talking to me, keeping me occupied with outrageous stories of the ridiculous things they’ve done, checking on me to make sure I didn’t need anything.
They drained me of all my energy until I passed out on the sofa. I’m pretty sure that was their goal. I woke up this morning, wrapped around Draven’s naked body in our bed.
Laying in his strong arms, I wanted so much to believe that I’d woken up from a nightmare. That all of this was some terrible dream. Briefly, I allowed myself to journey between the best memories we’ve made together.
To the times when my stubbornness made him laugh, the cadence like fucking music to my ears. When I’ve basked in the glow of his smile as it warmed me in a way no one and nothing ever has before. When he’s filled me so deliciously, taking me to the edge of ecstasy before grabbing hold of me and throwing both of us over that precipice.
I yearned to roll over and let Draven make love to me until we passed out again.
Until the thumping in my head returned, bringing me back to my bleak reality.
After that, it seemed like everyone woke up all at once. Suddenly, the quiet house was a flurry of people coming and going, grabbing toast or a bagel on their way to the next thing they needed to do before they could leave.
It was like that one scene in Home Alone where they’re packing the night before their trip, and there are 1,001 things going on at once.
Then we were all back on the road, headed to Baltimore. This time with my mom, Alexander, and Olivia in tow.
Marissa wanted to be here, but her schedule is now packed with all of my patients she’s taken on. I will be forever grateful to her for caring for them until I’m able to again—if I’m able to again. She promised to come visit as soon as she can.
Olivia and Mom packed a bag for me. I’m not sure what’s in it. It’s hard to say what I’ll need when I don’t know what’s going to happen.
Dr. Faust swore up and down after my pre-op yesterday that this procedure is standard for them. But the fact of the matter remains—they’re carving into my fucking skull today, and there are no assurances that can be given to make that easier to stomach.
We’re all piled into the neurosurgical waiting area on the third floor of the hospital. There are several other families here, also waiting with their loved ones. But since they’re in groups of two to four people while we’re rolling fourteen deep, the looks we’re receiving are anywhere from horrified to plain pissed off.
I don’t blame them; it’s absolute chaos in here.
Saxon is muttering only God knows what to Ronin, Zephyr, and Chubbs as he shuffles a deck of cards in his hands, the four of them in the middle of a rowdy game of poker.
Crew, Royce, and Firewall are huddled together in hushed conversation in a corner of the room.
Toga and Rocco are cycling between laughter and odd, animated hand movements every now and then.
The only one of Draven’s brothers who is quiet is Atticus who isn’t paying attention to anything but the book in his hands. And, curiously, gazing at Olivia from time to time. She’s sitting two seats away from him, silently working. I feel really bad about how much time she’s taken off lately. She tries to assure me it’s not a big deal, reminding me that there’s a reason she gets vacation days.
Draven, my mother, and Alexander fill the seats around me, but we haven’t spoken much.
I watch as a man from one of the other families gets up and leaves the room in a huff. He returns a few minutes later with the registrar we checked in with when we first got here.
“Hello,” she greets the patients on the far side of the room. “I’m going to ask everyone over here to please come with me to the other waiting area.”
All the guys quiet down and watch as they leave. Before she closes the door, she tentatively approaches Draven.
I hold my breath, thinking she’s going to tell us that everyone needs to leave. I really hope we haven’t just fucked with my chances of being seen today. It’s bad enough they’re already squeezing me in.
“Since your party is so large, we’re going to keep this waiting area cordoned off from everyone else.”
She seems nervous, her eyes darting around the room like she’s thinking about what to say next. I feel bad for her. I know how it feels to come face-to-face with this group of people for the first time.
“If you could just make sure everyone is…” She looks down at her hands before continuing. “Taken care of, that would be great.”
“Taken care of” meaning it’s now Draven’s job to keep everyone in line.
“You got it.” Draven assures her. “Thanks.”
She nods before quickly exiting the room.
“Hey, everyone,” Draven calls out. “Calm the fuck down, and don’t forget this is a hospital and not the fucking circus.”
The room grows quiet, everyone going back to what they were doing at a more acceptable volume. I’m actually thankful for it. My head is fucking banging.
“How are you doing, honey?” My mom reaches over and places her hand on my leg.
I offer her a small smile.
“I’m okay, just … ready to get this over with. If I can get the throbbing to stop for even just a little while, I’ll be a happy camper.”
She pats my leg before leaning into my side.
“I’m glad I could be here.” When her breath hitches, I thread my fingers through hers.
Even though she drives me fucking bonkers most of the time, I’m really glad she’s here, too. “Same. Thanks, Mom.”
She winks at me before focusing on the ground in front of her. My eyes catch Olivia’s across the room, and she smiles at me. I return it before I close my eyes and lay my head on Draven’s shoulder.
He’s been uncharacteristically quiet this morning. Usually, he’s the one giving me a pep talk or trying to convince me to think positive. It’s how I know he’s as fucking scared as I am.
“McKinsey?” a sweet voice pulls my eyes to the door. “I’m Trudy, and I’ll be your nurse today. If you’ll follow me, we’re ready to get you prepped for surgery.”
I stand at the same time as Mom and Draven, both of them ready to escort me back.
“One of you will be able to come with her to prep, but you’ll return to the waiting room when she’s taken back to the OR.”
“Please… Can they both come?” Taking one of each of their hands in mine, I plead with Trudy. “There’s no way I can choose between them.”
She purses her lips, her stern expression telling me she’s going to refuse me. As I’m formulating words of protest, she waves the three of us back.
“Good luck, doc.” Royce calls out to me before I take one step.
Turning to him, I smile genuinely as we nod to one another.
His sentiments are echoed amongst the other club members, then Olivia hops out of her seat and pulls me in for a hug. She’s been one of my fucking rocks, but she’s having trouble holding herself together right now.
“You’re my fucking sister, got it? I will always love you, McK.”
Letting go of Draven’s and my mother’s hands, I wrap my arms around Olivia and squeeze her as hard as I’m able to as my chest fills with a level of emotion I’ve never felt before.
“I know. I love you too, Liv.”
We break away from one another, tears pouring down both of our faces. I don’t have time to recover before Alexander steps up and pulls me against his chest.
“Hey, you’re going to do great, kid. We love you very much, and we’ll be seeing you soon. Okay?”
My heart clenches even tighter when I pull away and see tears glistening in his eyes.
“See you … Dad.”
I’ve wanted to call him Dad for years, but I always talked myself out of it. It was too emotional, too scary. But I know I would regret it if I didn’t get a chance to do it at least once.
“And thank you. For always being around and for not giving up on Mom and me.”
When the word sinks in, Alexander presses his lips together as his eyes fill up with more tears. Overtaken with emotion, he squeezes my shoulder in love and gratitude.
Grabbing Draven’s hand in mine once more, I force myself to turn away from everyone else in my life I hold near and dear before I crumble to the floor in pieces.
* * *
My nerves are beyond shot by the time we reach the prep area.
I feel like I just laid my whole damn heart and soul out for everyone to see. It’s an odd feeling to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of people. I may as well have stripped myself naked and ran through the waiting area.
“Go ahead and change out of your clothes and into this gown.”
Speaking of getting naked.
Trudy lays a hospital gown out on the bed which Draven scoops up before I can get to it.
“I’ll wait outside with the nurse.” My mother smiles at both me and Draven before leaving us.
Is it possible for one person to grow as much as she has—or at least as much as she’s pretending to have grown—over such a short period of time?
I’d like to think so. Especially since the alternative is to never see her again.
Draven told me all about the conversation they had with one another when she and Alexander first arrived at the clubhouse.
“Arms up, Kins.” I let Draven undress me, my eyes glued to his the entire time.
I need a distraction, and I know watching him fight his desire for me is going to be just that.
“Turn.” Even though he’s barking orders at me, I turn away from him, letting him tie the gown in the back. My body quivers with each errant tickle of his finger against my skin.
Once the gown is secure, Draven helps me into the bed before pulling back the curtain to let Trudy and my mom back in. He sits in a chair by my bedside, and my mother takes the one at my feet as Trudy starts my IV.
“How long did you say it’ll be until they take her back?” My mom asks, even though Trudy just told us on the walk over here I would only be in my prep room for about fifteen minutes.
I think her nerves are getting to her, so I offer her a reassuring smile.
Why is it always easier to comfort others than it is to comfort yourself?
“Not long. Once I get her IV in, I’ll call for anesthesiology. They’ll take her back to the OR.”
“Oh, okay.” I watch as my mom tugs her sweater around her more tightly.
“Trudy, when you’re done, can you please get Cheryl a blanket?” Both my mom and I turn toward Draven.
Only, while I look at him in awe, my mother looks at him suspiciously.
“Of course.”
“Kins, do you need one?” He scratches his eyebrow as though the request he just made was no big deal.
“I’m good, but thanks.”
“I need to go get some more tape for your IV. I’ll grab a few blankets while I’m at it.”
When Trudy leaves the room, I look from Draven to my mom.
“That was very sweet of you, Draven. Mother, wasn’t that very sweet of him?”
They’ve been getting better at tolerating one another when I’m in the same room as them. But if my mother truly wants to change, if she wants to repair our relationship before it really is too late, she’s going to need to get used to having Draven around.
And being nice to him.
“Very.” When she looks away from him, I think she’s a lost cause. But as she looks at her feet, she adds, “Thank you, Draven.”
Maybe there is hope for them.
“Okay, here are a couple blankets.” As soon as Trudy lays them at the foot of my bed, Draven hands one to my mother. “Let’s get this IV up and running so you can be on your way.”
Ten minutes later, my anesthesiologist comes for me. He’s an extremely laid back yet boisterous guy. I’m sure he acts that way to try to alleviate any nerves his patients and their families have about the impending procedure.
“Good morning, good morning. You must be Michelangelo?”
It may work for some.
Like Justin, maybe.
But not for me.
“Wait, no…” He continues his bit even when he doesn’t get a favorable response from me. “You’re not a green, crime-fighting ninja.”
Apparently, it works on my mother who snickers at him.
But maybe he’s on to something, because seeing even an ounce of glee in her after such a tense morning tugs at my lips, too.
“Okay, so I’m Dr. Randall, your anesthesiologist. I will be in the OR with you during the entire procedure to make sure you’re getting everything you need to keep you nice and relaxed—and more importantly, asleep. Cool?”
“Cool.” Even though my internal demeanor is anything but.
“Does anyone have any final questions before I wheel her out of here?”
Dr. Randall looks around at the three of us, but none of us speaks up.
“All right, then.” The second the bed is in motion, my eyes grow wide, and my hands fly to the bars of the side rails. As if I didn’t know this was about to happen. As if I suddenly changed my mind, but he’s forcing me to go anyway.
“Good luck, honey.” My mom grips my ankle as Dr. Randall lines my bed up in the middle of the hallway. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”
She begins to get choked up, turning away from me before I’m able to catch her breaking down.
Draven steps up to the side of my bed as Dr. Randall starts to pull it, not realizing he’s there. I cry out, thinking I won’t get to say goodbye to him, but Draven lunges forward, grabbing the doctor’s arm and stopping him.
Turning back to me, he leans over the head of my bed.
As tears threaten to fall from his golden-honey eyes, he runs his fingers through my hair. Clutching it gently in one fist, he lowers his lips to mine, devastating me with his possessive kiss.
My heart feels like it breaks when he pulls away. But with one glance and words I’ll hold on to for the rest of my life, he pieces it back together again.
“I love you, Kins. Forever.”
A tear hurries down my face as Dr. Randall begins to roll me away again. Before I get too far, I whisper to Draven.
“Forever.”