Chapter Thirty-Seven
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
DRAVEN
I t feels like my body has been suspended, frozen in time since the moment I watched Kins being wheeled down the hall to the OR.
The word forever still rings in my ears, and I swear to God, it will be tattooed on my soul for the rest of my life.
The clock is barely moving.
Even with the nurses calling my cell phone at regular intervals with updates, time feels like it’s been standing still.
Well, they were calling. Every half hour, but that stopped after hour five. I haven’t heard from them since. I keep pulling my phone out of my pocket and staring at it, willing it to ring. I’m following Kins’s progress closely on the tracking monitor on the wall, but it hasn’t moved.
One by one, I’ve seen every other patient’s status on that board cycle through from pre-op to OR to post-op.
But not Kins.
Breathing deeply, I stand and pop a new piece of gum into my mouth before doing a lap around the room. I have to work out my worry somehow. Even I know I won’t be able to throw a tantrum here and get away with it.
I’m not even sure I have the energy or the fight in me right now. I feel thoroughly battered and beaten down.
I focus on each member of my family as I pass them by, beyond grateful they’re here for us. For my girl.
Zephyr and Chubbs are asleep on two of the bench seats at the far end of the room. Saxon is sitting with his eyes closed and his head tilted back against the wall as he continues blindly shuffling the cards he brought with him. Royce has been watching over Firewall’s shoulder since this morning. He loves seeing what he can do, and Firewall isn’t shy about showing off his skills either.
I glance at everyone else before I round the last turn, circling the middle row of chairs.
During the final stretch, I stop and take a seat across from Atticus.
“What’s good?” Putting his book down, he gives me his attention.
“Nothing. I’m just going a little fucking crazy. They said the surgery takes between four and six hours. It’s been almost six and a half, and I’m starting to panic.”
“No news is good news, Draven.” Olivia looks up from her computer, compassion shining in her eyes.
“She’s right.” Atticus agrees with her.
I know that, but that doesn’t make waiting any easier.
“Want to read my book to help pass the time?”
“No. Thanks anyway.” I get up with a sigh, walking off to reclaim my original spot in front of the progress monitor.
Leaning over, I press the heels of my hands into my eyes, trying to rub the irritation from them.
When I regain my vision, I see Cheryl has moved from her seat to the one next to me. I wait for her to say something. To use this time to get out whatever negative shit that’s been eating away at her these past few days.
I thought we were headed in a semi-civil direction, but maybe I was wrong?
Pulling my gum from my pocket again, I add another piece to what I’m already chewing. I feel like whatever reason she’s here will require extra.
She shocks the shit out of me by placing a hand on my knee.
Maybe adding the extra piece of gum was a mistake.
Are hallucinations a side effect of this shit?
“You love my girl.” It’s not a question.
I stare at her for a second, chomping as politely as possible, working the gum between my teeth.
“I do.”
She nods softly, removing her hand from my leg.
“Kins helped me, a lot, after my mom passed.” Turning, I look at her. “I wanted to try to help the two of you with your relationship… But Kins is a tough cookie.”
We both laugh, knowing just how stubborn she is.
“I see how good you are with her. How well you treat her.”
She pauses, and I wait for the but. Only, it doesn’t come.
“She gives in to you, which … is something I’ve never witnessed before. Olivia told me only a few details about you the other day before bringing us to your house. When she told me you’re part of a biker gang, it … shocked me. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand your lifestyle.” Her eyebrows shoot up into her hairline. “Part of me thinks the less I know the better.”
“That’s probably smart.” I agree with her.
“I won’t lie and say I’m not angry you brought her into this world. I can’t even begin to fathom how dangerous it surely is. But I would be lying if I said she’s better off without you.”
Chewing over her words, I stare intently at her, in disbelief.
“She makes me better. In every way that matters.”
“You do that for her, too. I can see it.” She chuckles again. “Even with brain cancer, McKinsey seems happier, almost … lighter than I’ve ever seen her before.”
Blinking my eyes, I work to dry the tears in them before they fall. I’ve never cried as much in my life as I have since finding out Kins was sick.
God, if Cheryl can come over here and admit to me what she just did … I think any miracle could happen.
Before I can respond, Dr. Faust walks into the waiting room. I grab Cheryl’s hand, then the two of us walk over to meet him.
“Is she out? When can we see her?” I fire two questions at him before getting cut off.
“She’s out.” Dr. Faust rubs his eyebrow, looking intently at Cheryl and I carefully.
“How did she do?”
“The good news is, I was able to remove everything. Once we got in there and we were able to get a better look at the tumor, we discovered it was encapsulated. As far as the removal, that’s the best possible scenario that could have happened here today.”
“Encapsulated?” My eyes narrow. “What… What does that mean?”
“Think of it like medicine, for example. Everything is tucked safely inside of a capsule, so none of it can get out.” He locks his hands together, trying to illustrate his point.
“So it didn’t bleed into her brain, like you mentioned the other day?”
“Likely not…”
Holy shit.
This is the kind of miracle I was just talking about. My hand flies to my mouth in disbelief. This is better than any of us were expecting.
But the frown on his face forces my mind to rewind the conversation a little before I get too excited.
“Wait… You said, “the good news,” as if there’s also bad news.”
My chest pounds as the doc’s tongue darts out, licking his lips in preparation for whatever he’s about to deliver.
“The reason for the increased pressure she’s been experiencing the past few days is due to swelling of her brain from the growth of the tumor. Throughout the surgery, including once we removed the mass, McKinsey’s brain activity wasn’t functioning at the normal levels we’d expect.”
Oh, fuck.
“What the fuck does that mean?”
Dr. Faust breaks eye contact with me as he shifts his weight to his other foot. I follow his eyes as they meet those of everyone else in this room. Each one of them is now crowded around me and Cheryl as we await the most important news we’ll ever receive.
“We had to place McKinsey into a medically induced coma immediately following the procedure.”
My knees give out. Struggling to breathe, I feel my brothers guiding my fall into the chair behind me.
I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. Cradling my head in my hands, I feel an overwhelming fear beginning to seep into my bones.
It’s taunting me.
Telling me to buckle.
To give up.
To stop feeling again.
Because if you can’t feel, you can’t hurt.
If you can’t hurt, nothing can touch you.
But if I never learned how to feel, I wouldn’t have Kins.
If I didn’t open myself up to hurt, I wouldn’t know what love feels like.
I have to stay strong for her, so I can be here for her when she wakes up.
Because she will wake up.
And whatever hell I’m going through is nothing compared to hers.
Climbing back to my feet, I lock eyes on Dr. Faust again.
“How… How long do you think she’ll have to be out?”
“We’re not sure at this time, but we’ll be monitoring her progress in the ICU until we notice a marked change in her.”
“Can we see her?” Cheryl finally finds her voice.
“Yes, but only one person at a time.”
Cheryl turns to me, taking both of my hands in hers.
“You go, Draven. She’ll listen to you. Go … and bring our girl back to us. ”