21. Chapter 20
Chapter 20
Beth
A t the end of my shift on Thursday, I joined Mary, Meg, and Emily in their booth. I sat down just in time to hear Meg tell Mary about a shooting group she’d heard about, the Women’s Shooting Club.
“They meet once a month, there’s an hour of classroom training and an hour of range time, with instructors. Emily and I are going next month.”
Emily nodded. “I’m looking forward to it. Don’t get me wrong, Jamie’s great. But it’ll be nice to practice without him hovering over me.”
Jamie had insisted on teaching Emily how to shoot after what happened earlier in the summer, when her abusive ex-boyfriend took her and her parents hostage and almost killed them. He wanted her to get her license to carry, but she was still nervous about doing it.
“Do you know who the instructor is?” Mary asked.
“No, but each group is led by local female instructors, it’d be easy enough for me to find out,” Meg answered.
“Sounds interesting.” I asked Mary, “Are you going?”
Mary wasn’t one to go shooting for fun, but she’d had her LTC forever and carried her gun every day. She just didn’t talk about it.
“I’m going to check it out. It’d be a nice way for us girls to get some quality time together. You should join us,” Mary answered.
“How do I not know if you shoot?” Meg asked.
Because I never said anything . It wasn’t a secret, and I wasn’t sure why I’d never brought it up. Maybe because shooting reminded me so much of Phil .
He’d taught me to shoot early on in our relationship. Well, he took me shooting and tried to teach me, but was so impatient I had to stop going with him. To prevent us from fighting, I’d taken an intro course at the local range. It was easier for me to learn that way.
Phil was a great guy, and most of the time he was a patient man, but for some reason he was kind of a bully on the range. Eventually, after I’d learned how to ask him to back off, we were able to shoot together without fighting.
“I do, Phil taught me. Though it’s been a while.” Since before Phil died . “Maybe it’d be good for me to get in some practice.” I sipped my chai tea, savoring the rich spicy flavor.
“So, you’ll come with us?” Emily asked, hope filling her eyes.
“Maybe, if I can find a sitter.” And if I can remember how to clean my guns. I hadn’t cleaned them, hadn’t even taken them out of the safe, in years. I had my own twenty-two and a nine-mil S&W and was a decent shot with both. At least I used to be . I also had a handful of pistols and rifles in the safe that had belonged to Phil. They’d be Chase’s someday, if he wanted them.
I should ask John for help. I could watch videos to refresh myself on how to clean my guns, but I’d never cleaned Phil’s and wasn’t willing to tackle the rifles without help.
Or maybe I could ask Doug . I smiled at the thought.
Meg interrupted my thoughts. “I hope you can, it’ll be fun to have a girl’s range day.”
“What are you thinking about that’s got you smiling like a kid with a new toy?” Mary asked.
“Nothing, just thinking I’ll need some help cleaning my guns before I can shoot them.”
She raised an eyebrow in disbelief, but didn’t call me out on it. Instead she suggested, “You could always ask Doug.”
Meg giggled at the hint of mischief in Mary’s voice.
God, I love these women . Each of them was strong in their own way, and I was blessed to have them in my life. It was strange how, at this stage of life, the three-decade difference in our ages didn’t matter. Mary was in her mid-fifties, Meg and Emily were in their mid-twenties, and I was in the middle.
We sipped our coffees and teas, chatting about random things for a few more minutes before Meg burst out, “I can’t take it anymore, you have to tell us about your date with Doug!”
Mary already knew about it, so she didn’t join in when Meg and Emily squealed as I told them about our evening. They wanted details about the goodbye kiss, but I wasn’t willing to share that detail, so I said, “A lady doesn’t kiss and tell.”
To my surprise, they let it go.
I asked the group, “Did you know he’s only thirty-two?”
Emily shook her head, as Meg said, “Really? I knew he was older than Jamie, but not by how much. I kinda assumed he was older than that.”
“Is that an issue?” Mary asked.
“I don’t think so, but I’m too old to have any more kids. What if he decides he wants his own?” I hadn’t meant to voice my fear out loud, but it was too late to take it back. I trusted them, but things had a way of spreading in our group and I didn’t want it getting back to Doug and causing issues. The last thing he needed was to hear my fears from someone else.
The girls offered generic platitudes, saying if it was meant to be, it wouldn’t matter. Mary nodded thoughtfully but didn’t say anything.
“It’s really not a big deal, forget I said anything.”
“Our lips are sealed.” Meg slid her fingers across her lips like she was closing a zipper.
“Thanks.” I looked at my watch. “Time to pick up Chase.”
As we hugged and said our goodbyes Meg said, “Save us a seat at the game tonight.”
Chase would be thrilled to see Meg and Jack in the stands for his game tonight.
Later that night, after putting a tired but happy Chase to bed, I punched in the code to the gun safe in the garage. Grateful Phil had chosen our wedding date, backwards, for the code otherwise I might not have remembered it after so many years.
Talking to the girls today had lit a spark in my belly, and I’d fanned it into a full flame by the time I’d put Chase to bed.
As a single mom, I was not only responsible for my safety but Chase’s too. Something I’d forgotten in my grief.
I’m sorry Phil, I won’t forget again.
I pulled out the plastic case that held my S&W M&P, then closed and locked the safe before walking over to Phil’s workbench. I appreciated how he had always cleaned his guns out here so he wouldn’t make a smelly, greasy mess in the house.
Tears filled my eyes as I stared at the layer of dust coating everything while clutching the hard case to my chest.
Why’d you leave me Phil?
Knowing it hadn’t been his fault, or his choice, didn’t lessen the pain. Most days I was okay, having gone through the five stages of grief many moons ago, but some days grief would well back up and take hold of my heart.
Like today.
I wiped the tears off my cheeks. I’ve put this off for far too long . I shouldn’t have let my license to carry a handgun expire. Phil would be disappointed.
Not disappointed, pissed . He’d always told me that being married to a cop didn’t mean I didn’t have to worry about protecting myself. He’d often remind me, “I can’t be with you twenty-four-seven, so you need to be able to defend yourself.”
Now he’s gone and can’t protect me at all. Us, he can’t protect us.
Not bothering to dust, I placed the case on the bench and opened it, making sure the muzzle was pointed towards the brick wall. Just like Phil had taught me.
Then I carefully picked up the gun, keeping my finger off the trigger, and made sure the gun was empty. Just like Phil had taught me.
I pulled up the Smith & Wesson YouTube channel and found a video on cleaning the M&P. I watched it to refresh my memory, then hit replay following along as I broke it down and cleaned it.
It took me longer than it should have because I was out of practice, but I eventually got it cleaned and put back together. After doing a function test, which my instructor, not Phil, had taught me, I put it back in the case and returned it to the safe.
It wouldn’t do me any good in the safe, but I didn’t have any way to lock it up in my room. I made a mental note to call John in the morning and get some advice on renewing my LTC, talking to Chase about gun safety, and getting a small safe.
I added one final thing to my list—find a babysitter for the first Wednesday of the month so I could go to the Women’s Shooting Club meetings with the girls.