Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Harmon
I don’t know why I want to tell him about my private life, about things I don’t talk about with anyone, but maybe he needs to hear it. Maybe he needs to know that people get through tough times and can still come out in the end.
“I’ve told myself for years that I set up a contract with my slave for work purposes.
And I suppose part of that is true. A very small part.
The NDAs are important. People can be spiteful and it’s important to keep this private.
The media would eat something like this up.
But it’s more than that. It’s control. It’s…
like what you said to me the other day. That everything falls apart if I’m not in control.
Too many times I’ve lost control and the repercussions were dire. ”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not telling you this for you to be sorry for me.
I am hoping that you will gain something from this small look into my life.
” He nods against my leg, and I start talking about something I swore I’d never talk about again.
“My father was a powerful man. He started Stone Timeworks before I was born. He was proud of what he built and even more proud to have a son to pass everything down to. Until that son wasn’t what he wanted him to be.
” I take a deep breath and continue. “He’d make remarks constantly about me not being manly enough, for as far back as I can remember.
When I was just a boy, certainly before my teenage years.
And then as I got older, the comments became more frequent and harsher.
He’d lose his temper. He’d hit me. My mother.
The staff. Anyone who got in his way. I tried my best to do as he wanted, but I was so anxious all the time, so out of control, that I’d panic.
I’d shut down. I wouldn’t know what to do, and so I did nothing. ”
I sigh, shaking my head. “My father was a terribly cruel man to everyone, but because he was who he was, he got away with it. People dealt with it. He’d threatened to never let his company go to someone like me, someone who wasn’t a real man.
He died before he could change the legal stuff.
Heart attack. Killed him instantly. I wasn’t even sorry about it.
My mother cried at his funeral, but it was all for show.
I didn’t shed a tear. But I did make myself a promise that day.
I promised myself I’d never lose control.
I’d never be angry like him. And I’d never let anyone feel less than for who they are.
There is… so much more that my father did to me, that I could go into detail about, but none of it matters much.
It was just words. Just bad memories. What matters is that I got out of it, and here I am. ”
“So, the control is…”
“I can’t be like him. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind again, like I’m going to shut down and not know what to do or explode, but I won’t allow myself. Not having control is for weak people. I am not weak. I am strong.”
Cassius sits up, looking at me with a frown. “It’s okay to be weak sometimes.”
I shake my head. “Not for me it isn’t.”
“It’s okay when it’s with the right people. Being vulnerable is…”
“Is for the weak.”
“Opening up to someone, giving them the power to hurt you, but trusting they won’t? That is strength and you can’t convince me otherwise.”
“I can tell you’re passionate about this and I—”
My words are cut off when his mouth is pressed against mine. I’m so shocked I don’t know how to react, so I freeze. Then panic swells in my chest, but before I can shove him off, he moves back.
“How did that make you feel?” he asks, his bright blue eyes searching mine.
I shake my head, trying to find words but nothing comes out.
“I am a safe space for you, just as you’re a safe space for me,” he explains, then lies back down on my lap. He grabs my hand and puts it on his head. It takes me a moment, but my fingers start running through his hair again.
It takes far too long for my heart to settle in my chest.
“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s okay.”
He turns on his back and looks up at me. “I feel like I’m really bad at this.”
“At what?”
“Being your slave. I talk when I’m not supposed to. I do things you tell me not to. You’re always correcting me.”
“You’re learning.”
“It’s been two months.”
Confidence is something he still needs to work at, but it’s not something I can help him with. Well, I can do my part, but it’s other aspects of his life that he needs to work through in order to feel that confidence. He’ll get there.
“It’s not a simple thing to do. It goes against your nature, but you’re doing wonderfully. I enjoy our time together.”
“Why aren’t you harder on me? To make me do exactly what you want?”
“Being harsh doesn’t produce better results.”
“If this was something we did without a contract, would it still be the same way?”
“It’s what we make of it, Cassius.”
I focus on the silence as my fingers brush through his soft hair.
“You don’t call me slave anymore,” he comments thoughtfully.
“Do you want me to?”
“Does it mean something that you don’t?”
I think about that for a few seconds. “Cassius feels better. It feels right.”
It falls silent again, just the crackling of the fire across the room. It has to be getting close to the time that he needs to leave, but I don’t want him to, and I think part of him doesn’t want to either.
“When is the last time you kissed someone?” he asks.
“I was nineteen.”
I expect a big reaction from that, but all he says is, “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“Of course there is. Kissing people is nice. It’s—”
“Personal. Intimate. Everything I try to avoid.”
“Why do you avoid it?”
“There are too many unknowns in a relationship.”
“Not if you’re with the right person.”
“Finding the right person takes too much time.”
“I guess you’re right.” He turns back on his side, curling up. “Will you read to me for a little while?”
My mind is everywhere but the book as I read, yet I keep speaking the words that my eyes cross.
I think about this relationship with Cassius, and how it’s different from what I wanted and what I’ve done before.
We aren’t sticking to what I normally do with my slaves.
He’s right when he says he isn’t very good at it, and it’s not that he’s bad, he just needs more discipline.
Yet, not a single part of me wants to discipline him.
What we have works. I enjoy it. I’ve had my days when I need him in line more than others, but mostly, I enjoy his free spirit.
I like that he questions things, that he does what he wants to do, that he is proudly himself.
I feel like, maybe, through him, part of me is free too.
Because he’s right. When you’re with the right person, it’s okay to let your guard down.
It’s okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay not to follow the rules.
Something about Cassius makes me feel comfortable enough to do that, and I knew it from day one.
I knew it, and I let him in anyway, knowing it was a mistake.
Yet, each day, it doesn’t feel like a mistake.
Each day, I look forward to him coming here more and more, and in different ways.
It’s not only about the control anymore, I can’t deny that, though I do still crave it.
I need it, it’s just not the same. There’s something else I want from him, something I can’t quite put a name on yet…
I get through the chapter, put the book down, and check my phone for the time.
“Cassius,” I say gently, brushing the hair off his forehead. I repeat his name when he doesn’t answer, and his eyes pop open. “It’s getting late.”
He takes a deep breath, then sits up. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“Don’t apologize for that.” I get to my feet. “Or for anything else.” I offer him my hand and help him to his feet. “Even if I make it seem like you need to, don’t apologize for being you. I may never admit this again, but I enjoy it.”
He smirks, then moves past me toward the door.
“Cassius?” I call.
He turns to look at me. I walk to him until we’re a foot apart.
“I’ve been on the fence about asking you, so I’m just going to do it.”
“Okay?”
“I have to travel in a couple of weeks. I was hoping you’d come with me.”
“Oh, I, uh—”
I hold my hand up. “You don’t have to give me an answer now. You have plenty of time to think about it.”
“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t think I can. This stuff going on with my family right now… I can’t leave my sisters.”
I tell myself it’s disappointment I feel, but it’s much more dangerous than that.
I take a step closer. “Is there something I can help with?”
“Not unless you know a hit man.” I frown, and he quickly says. “Sorry, I’m joking. I didn’t mean that.”
“Then tell me what you meant,” I say.
“It’s nothing. Really, I shouldn’t have made that joke.”
“Is someone bothering you?”
“It’s… nothing. Really. You’re the one who said you didn’t want personal stuff, remember?”
He walks off, and after a moment, I shake out of it and go after him. I grab his arm and he comes to a stop.
“I’ve changed my mind. Tell me what’s going on.”
His eyes narrow, but he turns to face me, so I let go of his arm.
“I’ll tell you on one condition,” he says with a smirk.
“What?”
“Kiss me again.” He holds his finger up. “But really kiss me.”
His request has my stomach fluttering.
“You… want me to kiss you? Why?”
He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. That’s the cost for getting my story. Is it worth it?”
I didn’t hate kissing Cassius a short time ago, though I doubt you could call it an actual kiss. It’s been a long time since I’ve kissed anyone because it’s too personal. It makes things messy. Even with sex, there is no kissing. Not for me.
But I want to know what is going on with him. Because I want to help.
“It’s worth it,” I say, leaning in to press my lips to his.
He sucks in a breath, opening his mouth.
I do the same and our tongues meet, gently but eagerly.
Cassius whimpers and I grasp his hip, pulling him closer to me.
I deepen the kiss before pulling away, before things get out of control. Before I can’t stop myself.
His eyes are still closed when I pull back, and it takes him a moment to open them.
“Wow. Okay,” he says with a soft chuckle. He takes a step back, licking his lips. I have the awful urge to pull him back to me and kiss him again. “Uhm, so, basically I was able to find an apartment for me and my sisters.”
“You told me that.”
“My mother is not letting my youngest sister come with us. Today, she threatened to call the cops on me and say I was kidnapping her. She’s only fourteen.”
“Christ,” I mutter, running my hand through my hair. “Do you need a lawyer?”
“A lawyer? What good would that do?”
“To take your mother to court and get custody of your sister.”
“Custody of my sister?” he asks as if he’d never thought of the idea.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I just assumed…”
“I… I, uh… I can do that?”
I close the distance between us, putting my hand on his cheek.
“Yes, Cassius, you can do that. And if you want my help, I will give it to you.” I search his eyes, not sure what I’m looking for, but I need him to know how serious I am.
“I know a lot of lawyers, and I can guarantee any of them would help you win this case.”
“But then I’d be responsible for her, right? Like… everything?”
“Haven’t you been doing that already?”
“Sort of. I mean, I’ve taken care of her, but not like… this feels different.”
“You’re an amazing brother. Look how much you’ve done for her so far. If this is what you both want, all you have to do is say the word. I’ll make it happen.”
“And if we did this… my mother couldn’t do anything? She’d have no say?”
“If you win? If you can prove she is unfit, then no. You’d be your sister’s caregiver.” I put my hand on his shoulder and look him in the eye. “Think about it. Let me know what you decide. I’m happy to help.”
I leave him standing there to head upstairs to go to bed.