Chapter 11
Lina
Chapter Eleven
I brace myself as I slide my key into the front door.
Silence greets me, but I know Ewan’s home because the light’s on in his office. It’s gray and dismal today, and it matches my mood. I didn’t sleep well last night. I couldn’t figure out why for a couple hours. I didn’t fear for Sean because he radiates capability and a self-assuredness few people would test. It didn’t scare me to come back here. There was smidge of dread, but that wasn’t what woke me, then kept waking me up. I realized it was I missed Sean being in bed beside me.
We didn’t even spend a night together, and we didn’t exactly sleep when we shared the hotel bed. Despite that, I felt so much better in his arms than I ever have on my own or with someone else. My mom would protect me to her last breath. God help anyone who came near me while she was close. But she wouldn’t be able to put up the same fight Sean could. She doesn’t exude the same menace I know Sean can. I’ve never felt so safe or sheltered as I did in his arms.
It’s not like my life is some great hardship, and it’s not like I’m caught in some war zone with bullets flying. I’m a mob princess more than anything else. I fucking hate that term. I’m a mob daughter, but considering the advantages I’ve grown up with, I get why some would call me the former. But I’ve also lived with danger surrounding me since birth. Women and children are off limits, but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t catch us in the crossfire. It doesn’t mean it hasn’t been dangerous when I was close to Dad or Granddad. It definitely doesn’t mean I’m safe when I’m within a hundred miles of Ewan.
I glance back over my shoulder and dip my chin as I look to my left. I know Seamus is in the car where he dropped me off. Cormac is already in position at the other end of the block. Seamus will circle around and park farther down the road but where the house is still in clear view. They’ll both be within sprinting distance.
I close the door behind me with the softest click.
“Nikki!”
Fuck me.
“Hey.”
“Get in here. Now.”
I know his mother. I know he has manners. He generally chooses not to use them. He thinks it intimidates people. It proves he’s an a-hole. The O’Rourke men have manners, and they’d scare the shit out of Satan.
I keep cutting my brother a shit ton of slack since he’s still new to his role. Dad groomed him for ages, but our father wasn’t in charge that long. Only as long as Dillan, so nearly five years. His father hung on by sheer tenacity. My paternal grandfather hadn’t been well for several years, so Dad took over running most of the day-to-day stuff, but Grandpa—when he acknowledged me long enough to let me call him that—was still the figurehead. When he finally gave up the ghost—hallelujah—Dad became the skipper. Stupid title.
Dad’s men barely finished swearing their allegiance before Ewan was plotting his mutiny. He never told me that in so many words, but I sensed it. His disgust toward Dad grew hourly. I don’t know that he would have ever pulled the trigger—literally or figuratively—but Dad tempted him. I don’t know what I would have done if Ewan had.
I haven’t grieved my father’s death. Not because I’m in denial. Not because I’m repressing my emotions. I simply don’t have them. By the time the O’Rourkes killed him, he was a man I knew. Disliking him took too much energy I didn’t want to spend on him. At times, I have flashes of guilt that I should feel more. That I’m no better than the real mobsters in my family if I don’t bat an eye knowing he’s gone. Ewan’s put on a show of his rage toward the O’Rourkes for doing the dirty work for him, but that’s not why he’s fucking them over.
He wants to prove his dick’s bigger, so he can piss farther. Not exactly the best analogy to describe a brother, but that’s what it boils down to.
“Hello to you, too.” I cock an eyebrow as I stand in the doorway. It doesn’t thrill me to see Ewan’s best friend, Colton Flaherty, chilling in Ewan’s office with him. We have history.
“Hey, Nik.”
“Hi.” I can be gracious to Colt. Kinda.
“Fucking Sean O’Rourke.”
I don’t think Ewan’s using that as an adjective.
I say nothing. It was a statement to which I have no response. If it were a question, then I might answer. My silence pisses Ewan off, and I kinda like it. I resent him sending me to New York in the first place. I resent being sucked into shit I was supposed to be left out of. I was anonymous behind a keyboard and the firewalls I built. For all our dad’s disregard, at least it meant I wasn’t in the middle of what they all like to claim is men’s business. But when it suits them, they have no problem sucking in women to do the intellectual work for them. Not shocking. Just annoying.
“Did you get anything out of him?” Ewan’s gaze bores into me.
Grunts. Groans. Orgasms. Cum. Yeah. I got something out of him.
“We talked.” Among other things. “But not about work. It would have been suspicious if I jumped straight into grilling him about his family’s wealth and their plans to dick us over now that we’ve dicked them over and intend to keep doing it.”
“You slept with him to get nothing but your rocks off. You could have stayed home if you’d wanted to bang that badly and saved me the flight and hotel.”
I fight to keep my composure and not find something to hurl at his head. He’s not just speaking figuratively. He’s rubbing the past in my face. I refuse to look at Colt.
“Don’t send me on any more field trips, then.”
“Or maybe you need a chaperone.” Ewan smirks.
“Kinda like you need me to be yours, so you don’t lose every motherfucking penny this family has?”
I probably shouldn’t have said that.
He pushes back his chair and stands. I can see from the corner of my eye that Colt is ready to intervene if he has to. I don’t need nor want his help. It comes with too high a cost.
“Just so you remember, big brother, you need me a fuck ton more than I need you.”
I turn around and walk out. I hear him calling me, but I don’t stop. I gather my stuff and head to the stairs.
“Colt, don’t bother. Leave me alone.” I don’t look at him as I reach the bottom one. He slides in front of me.
“Why do you have to antagonize him?”
“Why not? It’s as easy as breathing these days.”
“Don’t be like that, Nikki.”
“Be like what? Pissed he’s using me. Pissed he endangered me for nothing. Pissed this is a waste of time. Pissed he made me give up a career I loved and was good at to serve as his show pony in front of his friends and his workhorse behind closed doors. Nishida’s more likely to fuck us over than actually make good on any promise. I didn’t need to meet the head of Tokyo’s deadliest yakuza in New York City of all places. Who knows how many people would love to see that man dead? While he and his men probably have Kevlar under their suits, there I was, walking around unprotected.”
“You know Justin went with you.”
“That wasn’t a fun surprise. Even if he’d been beside me, what good would that have done against a sniper? It’s not like someone’s going to walk up and pop Nishida point blank.”
“Ewan said you cancelled your meeting with Pablo.”
“I did. I wasn’t in the mood to risk my life a second time in one day. Not when the entire point of the meeting was for me to make nice and kiss the ring. Dad fucked up the deal with the Diazes and left Ewan to clean up the mess. He only made it worse. I’m not groveling to a family because my father and brother screwed us all over because they couldn’t play in their own backyard. Ewan set up those meetings. If anyone was watching, seeing me with the oyabun before lunch and the—I don’t even know how many ranks and positions Pablo has. El secretario, el patron, el capo. No, not that one. That’s too low on the list. El tigre.”
“How do you know all those ranks?”
“Because I know how to use the internet.”
The secretary is usually the right-hand man if it’s not an actual female secretary. Enrique Diaz, the jefe de jefes—the boss of bosses, not just in the U.S. but everywhere—doesn’t have any kids. His oldest nephew, Pablo, is his heir. Enrique has four other nephews who make up their corredor or Junta Directiva—Board of Directors. A capo is a captain, but Pablo’s definitely a step above his cousins. They’re all capos now. They moved up from lugarteniente. Lieutenants.
Pablo’s a tiger—el tigre—because he’s a general. But not just any general. No. He deserves the title el patron just like his uncle and father did before they rose to the top. While Enrique oversees all of New York—all of America, really—Pablo runs NYC at its operational level. The Colombians in Colombia—Enrique’s cousins—aren’t as fully in agreement that he’s the jefe de jefes, especially since he lives in the U.S.
But it doesn’t take much observation to know Enrique pulls all the strings everywhere. Forget kings, and presidents, and dictators, and religious leaders. Enrique Diaz is one of the most powerful men in the world. Nothing comes in or out of Latin America without him knowing. One frown shuts down an entire syndicate’s operations. Permanently.
Cartels are a risk to national security, so it’s no small wonder I know so much about their structure. A few google searches, and I could piece together which Diaz name goes with which position. That’s why I wasn’t jumping for joy at the prospect of meeting Pablo, especially since I’m pretty goddamn sure they had me followed and already knew I met with Nishida. They probably found out I had lunch with Sean before I even got into the car with him. Once those two things happened, I knew I had to cancel.
“Don’t be snide. It’s not attractive.”
“Neither is a black eye. Move.” I couldn’t give a flying fuck if Colt thinks I’m attractive. He obliterated that concern years ago.
He steps aside, and I head up to my room. I shut and lock my door. I don’t really believe Ewan or Colt would try to come in here without my permission, but I’m not in the mood to test that theory.
Me
I know you may not get this anytime soon and your cousins probably already told you. But I wanted you to know I got home safely.
I lock my phone and toss it onto my bed before bending over to open my bag. My phone buzzes, so I reach for it while pulling out the first piece of dirty clothes.
Sean
I’m glad. Thank you for texting me. Cor told me but I like seeing your name on my screen.
Me
I didn’t think you’d be able to talk.
Sean
Only for a bit. You caught me at a quiet moment.
I want to know where he is and what he’s doing. I want to know that because I’m worried about him. But I can’t ask. I can’t ask because it’s not my place. I can’t ask because it’s not my business. I can’t ask, so I have nothing to tell Ewan. I can’t ask because I don’t want Sean to think I’m trying to get info out of him now that we’re—whatever the hell we are.
Me
What was your favorite subject when you were a kid?
Sean Recess
He didn’t even have to think about that. I like how he humors me and my rounds of twenty questions.
Sean
You?
Me
PE
Sean
Kickball?
Me
Absolutely. Grand slam queen here.
I loved playing kickball. Basically, the rules of baseball with a ball that’s not whirling through the air toward my head. I have great eye-foot coordination. I could kick hard and run fast. I was usually the last kicker because I could get a home run by kicking it far enough and running fast enough to make it around all three bases before anyone caught me. When there were people already on all the bases before I kicked, I would chase them all the way to home base. And voilà—a grand slam.
I should see if there are any adult leagues nearby.
Sean
Least favorite subject
Me
I didn’t really have one. I didn’t enjoy chemistry, but that was because I was sick the week they taught nomenclature. I never fully got it so the rest of the year was fake it till you make it. That got me through finals. Barely.
Sean
That was me with vectors in calculus. Shane and I were both out after tonsillectomies when they introduced it. Finn had to teach us. Lucky for him neither of us could talk so neither of us could complain about how boring it was. He wasn’t any good at it. No patience.
Can I ask more about that? Before we discovered each other’s family connections, it would have been fine. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But now? Will he think I have an ulterior motive? Or will he understand I just want to get to know him like I did before I knew he’s an O’Rourke, and he knew I’m an O’Malley and Tremblay? FML. This isn’t the first time I’ve thought that.
Me
Are you the younger twin?
Sean
Yeah. By three minutes. Three glorious, spacious, quiet minutes. Then I got bored.
I send him the sideways crying-laughing emoji.
Me
You and your brother got tonsillitis at the same time?
Sean
That was entirely coincidental. We didn’t catch or develop all the same illnesses. He got swimmer’s ear every summer. I had braces for six months longer than him. The braces were the only time it was easy for people outside our family to always tell us apart.
Me
Are you really that identical?
Sean
Yes. Down to our mannerisms and voice. People say we sound exactly the same. Everyone in our family can tell us apart. My mom always knew I was the one getting in trouble despite how we’d both deny it.
Me
Was it ever strange knowing it’s so rare to have a mirror image of yourself? Or is that you’ve just known nothing else so you don’t think about it much?
Sean
It’s only strange when I think about it in the sense that most people don’t have a mirror image of themselves.
Me
Was it hard for your older brother since you and Shane always had each other?
Sean
Yeah probably sometimes. Our parents are adamant Shane and I are two separate people with two separate identities. So in some ways we’re just three typical brothers. I feel as emotionally connected to Finn as I do Shane. But Shane and I are basically still molecularly connected. I can’t explain it. We have our own personalities that’s for sure but at the same time I am him and he’s me. We just know stuff we never have to articulate.
Me
That’s really cool. And it’s nice to hear you’re just as close to Finn. I still think it must have been hard for him at times.
Sean
It was for sure. Cormac and Seamus are only seven months apart because Seamus was a preemie.
Me
No way. You’d never guess he was ever tiny. I guess I would have assumed they were both 10lbs babies.
Sean
No not at all. Seamus was like a little over 4lbs. He was ginormous for a preemie at 31 weeks. But Cormac was like Dillan and Finn. Just over 9lbs.
Me
Were you and Shane tiny too.
Sean
God bless our mother. No. Not even remotely. She even went to her due date. We were both exactly 7lbs 8ozs.
That’s crazy. Their size as twins but also they were exactly the same. What are the odds of that? That was fifteen pounds of baby. And that was after having a nine-something-pound baby a couple years earlier. I wonder if the woman is still exhausted. I am just thinking about it.
Sean
Hey. I gotta go. I wish I didn’t have to but I’m glad we chatted. I still have stuff to do, but as soon as I’m done I can come to Boston.
Me
I want to see you as soon as you’re free. But coming here isn’t a good idea. Ewan didn’t accuse me of anything exactly. But he definitely knows.
Sean
What did he say exactly?
Can you feel rage through a text? I’m pretty sure I can.
Me
Fucking Sean O’Rourke.
Sean
That’s it?
Me
He also said that I could have stayed home if all I wanted was to bang.
Sean
He said that about his sister?
Me
Nounours please don’t get angry about this. This is just how he and I are. Sometimes we’re great together and I really like him. But this isn’t easy for either of us. I’m already pissed at him all the time. I don’t want that spilling over to you. I know you don’t like each other but I don’t want you any angrier than he makes you without me in the picture.
Sean
For your sake I’ll leave him alone when it comes to how he speaks to you. But I told you before I’m only so flexible about that. Even rubber breaks when it’s pulled too far.
Me
I can think of something I wouldn’t mind pulling on.
That was pathetic. I don’t pull on his dick.
Sean
All the more reason for me to visit as soon as I can. It may be a few days before I can chat again. I’m glad you texted me cailín. I’ll let you know as soon as I’m done.
Me
OK
Sean
If you need anything go straight to my cousins. Promise?
Me
Promise. Be careful. Bye
Sean
Bye
I love how easy it is to chat through texts. It’s not like it wasn’t easy to talk to him on the phone or in person. It’s nice to have three ways—three non-physical ways—to communicate.
I kick off my shoes and lie back on my pillow. I scroll back through the conversation and reread it. I roll onto my side and put my phone next to my bottom elbow. I usually sleep pretty much in the middle of the bed since I sleep alone and can. I enjoy having the entire queen size bed to myself. It was the same way in my apartment back home. But as I look at the empty spot that a red-headed man with entrancing emerald eyes and constellations of freckles could fill, it seems huge for one person. It’s enormous for someone as thin as me. Good, bad, or in between; I just don’t take up that much room.
“Nikki, are you hungry? I’m ordering lunch. Do you want sushi?” It’s Ewan.
He knows I love sushi. He’s being conciliatory. I stand and slide my phone into my back pocket after checking the screen’s locked, not just dark. I open the door and look up at him.
“That would be nice. Yes, please.”
“Can I come in, Nik? Please?”
I step aside. Did he pull his head out of his own ass? Or did Colt do some tugging, too? Definitely not the same kind I thought about five minutes ago.
“I know I’m screwing you over. I’m not so egomaniacal that I can’t tell that. Yeah, I’m doing it because it serves me. I won’t pretend like it doesn’t. But that’s because I serve the organization. What our branch needs comes first. It needs stability after the shitshow Dad put us through for almost five years. The decline we were already in while Grandpa led. You know the danger we face every day. Think how exponentially worse it will be if I’m deposed. Another family takes over. Do you think they’re going to want any reminders of the O’Malleys? Do you think going back to Montreal, or never having come here in the first place, would protect you? Being a Tremblay doesn’t make people forget you’re also an O’Malley. We have to stay on top just to stay alive. Knowing you not only abandoned a meeting with Pablo but then spent all afternoon in bed with Sean… I think I have a right to be pissed off as your leader. But I also have a right to be terrified as your brother. Sean will hurt you. Maybe not physically, but he will emotionally.”
“You assume he’s using me.”
“Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t. But when it comes down to a future, do you really think you have one with a man whose brother not only put a hit on our dad but made sure it was carried out?”
I snort. “You’re pissed that they did you a favor that has you indebted to them.”
“Because that’s the kind of people they are.” He throws his hands up in the air.
“How out of touch with reality do you think I am? Like you haven’t killed people to serve a greater purpose than just seeing them dead. Like you haven’t ordered people killed on someone else’s behalf, so they’re just as indebted to you as you are to the O’Rourkes.”
“Justin said you wouldn’t open the door while you were in your suite with Sean yesterday. You missed your flight, but somehow you arrived home right on time. Is my concern misplaced?”
“You’re concerned? About me? Oh, you mean, concerned about the mission you sent me on. You want to know if I fucked him for information. You want to know if I’m sulking and holding out on you. If I learned something, but I’m just not telling you. That’s why you came to offer me sushi.”
“Must you always be so antagonistic?”
“You had me build encryptions to lock the O’Rourkes out of our finances. Fine. But you had me do that, and a few weeks later, you send me to New York. The city where they all live. You scheduled meetings for me with not one, but two syndicate heads. You weren’t willing to show your ass in New York, but you were fine sending me. You basically covered me in steaks and tossed me into a pit where three alpha lions could have torn me apart.”
Sean definitely ate me. Just not in the way I’m alluding to.
“You went. It’s not like I bound and gagged you, then tied you to the seat in the plane.”
“Okay. If I have so much freedom, I’m not doing another thing for you. I’m done.”
I walk to my closet and pull out my big suitcase. I wheel it over to the foot of the bed and lift it onto the mattress.
“’Scuse me.” I walk toward my dresser, gesturing to my destination.
“What are you doing, Nikki? Stop being dramatic.”
“If you’re not forcing me to work for you, then I quit. If I quit, then I don’t need to stay here.”
“Stop already.”
I’m pushing every last one of his buttons, but he’s already taken a sledgehammer to mine. I pull open the drawer with my t-shirts and scoop them out. I turn back to the bed.
“I signed a lease on a condo the day before yesterday. I get the keys in two days. I’m going to stay somewhere else for now since I’m already moving out.”
“When’d you find a place? I didn’t even know you were seriously looking. You have a place here.”
“We’re adults now who don’t live well together. We were fine when we were kids, and we both knew I was only visiting for a few weeks. I wanted my own space when I figured I’d be stuck here indefinitely. Now I just don’t want to make yet another move, even if it means I could go home. I have no job in Montreal. I sold my house. I’d be starting over there, staying with my mom. I enjoy living alone. I’m here, so I may as well make the most of it.”
That’s what I figured before going to NYC and before this argument. Now I don’t want to be in Boston at all. I could just abandon my security deposit plus first and last month’s rent. The amount makes my eye twitch. I don’t want to do that. Boston is still more affordable than NYC, and it’s still closer to NYC than Montreal. For how much I’m going to pay each month, I made the property owner agree to a month-to-month. Even before this latest clusterfuck with Ewan, I knew I wanted to have an easy escape when I finally got free of him.
In no way do I believe I’m free. But I’m free from living under his roof. I know he’ll make Justin and some of Justin’s men watch me. They’ll know if and when I see Sean. They’ll know how long I’m with him. But they can’t stop him from being with me. Not physically for sure. My money is all in on Sean winning any kind of fight. I know Justin can hold his own, but everything about Sean radiates he won’t back down first.
I keep going back and forth to my dresser, then my closet as Ewan watches in silence. When I zip it, he finally speaks.
“Where are you going to stay? Where’s the condo?”
“Just have Justin or one of his henchmen tell you. I know you’re going to make them follow me.”
“I can and I will. But you know Justin followed you to the city on his own. I didn’t order that.”
“I know.”
He waits to see if I say more, but I don’t.
“Nikki, all this shit aside. Are you going somewhere safe? Do you need guards?”
This is Ewan, my brother, who happens to lead the mob. Not the mob leader who happens to be my brother, Ewan. He has moments of sincerity. I forgive a lot because of that. But I’m still not staying here, and I’m not letting him run roughshod over me anymore.
“I’ll be in a good part of town. You know I have my gun.”
One of the first things I did when I moved to Massachusetts was get my LTC—License to Carry. I never carried a gun in Montreal. I learned to shoot pistols at a range, and I used to go hunting with Granddad. But I carried nothing more dangerous than a switchblade. That was something I kept well-hidden since they’re illegal in Canada. Knowing why Ewan summoned me, I made sure I got the legal right to carry a gun as fast as I could because I trust next to no one here.
“That’s marginally reassuring. Would you let Colt take you wherever you’re going tonight? Just to be sure you make it safely. You’re right about the risk I put you in being seen with Nishida and having a meeting scheduled with Pablo.”
“No. I don’t need nor want a babysitter. Thank you for the offer. The best you can do right now is carry this and my roll aboard downstairs for me, please.”
I get out a soft-sided carry on and start collecting the few personal touches I have in here before going into the en suite bathroom to collect my toiletries. When I hear Ewan moving down the stairs, I dash back to my purse and pull out a burner.
Me
I’m leaving tonight. I’m fine but it’s time.
Now I just have to figure out what to tell Seamus and Cormac when they spot me walking out with suitcases.