Chapter 5
I have lost my goddamn mind.
It’s not like what my family does is some well-guarded national secret. We’ve run the mob for generations, and the mob is the oldest syndicate in the U.S. Ironically, Mair is the one who made sure most parts of the world know who my family is. It wasn’t her fault her articles leaked before she could delete them from her cloud. It also means denying my connection is futile. But I have never in my life admitted to someone I’m in the mob. People have insinuated. People have guessed.
What I just confessed could not only wind me up in prison, but it could take my entire family with me, including my mom and aunts. It’s not like I’ve never been on a date. Heidi pointed out in her text that I do sometimes. But I don’t have relationships. Her family and the woman’s she’s involved with have been in the mob for at least five generations. I don’t have to hide that from them. I can— could— past tense —cancel on short notice, and they would think nothing of it.
Telling Thea is an entirely different story. She’s a virtual stranger to me and knows nothing about this life. Yet, here I am, bringing her into it. There’s only one reason I would: I want her. I want her for more than a few dates and a few good fucks. That makes her sound like a toy. A possession. Something for me to play with until I don’t want to anymore. That couldn’t be further from the truth.
The way I described her is exactly how I see her. Those qualities are ones she’ll need if we have a future. And a future is exactly what I want because she’s all those things. She’s the first woman I’ve met who I can imagine coming home to, imagine having the strength to endure what life with a man like me means.
I won’t suggest we elope tonight. I’m not in love. Yet. But I could easily fall in love with her. I don’t know that because I’ve been in love before. Just the opposite. I know because I’ve never felt this way about any woman. I noticed all the qualities I described the first time I met her. I’ve thought about her more than I should have, and I secretly wanted dipshit to return. Not because I wanted another confrontation. I only wanted it because I prayed she’d come with him. I prayed she’d come alone. My mind has been working overtime since numb nuts left, and she stayed.
She’s not the only one who makes split-second decisions. I make them way more often than I can count. I wouldn’t even want to try. Too depressing if I did. But I have to. It’s my life. It’s my brothers’ lives. My cousins’ lives. My men’s. If I can’t assess and decide in an instant, then we all wind up dead. It’s been like that since I was sixteen and went on my first mission. I wasn’t supposed to be there.
I was in the wrong place at the right time. My dad and uncles were headed out with their men for a rendezvous with Enrique, but we weren’t invited guests to his negotiations with a Brazilian cartel. I was impetuous and na?ve. I jumped into one of the SUVs at the last minute. I didn’t realize it was the one my dad was in. Holeee shit. He exploded. He was switching between English and Irish so fast there were entire sentences I didn’t catch. Curses came out in a jumble. I thought he might have an aneurism. But it was too late. I was there, and I had to do my part. I did.
And my mom wouldn’t speak to either of us for a week. She couldn’t. My dad and I infuriated her too much. And she couldn’t get past her fear for me. Every time she saw me, she burst into tears. She knew what life held ahead for me. But she also knew what everyone else— including me —knew. I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t had enough training for that kind of situation. I’d been doing small time hustles. I’d been extorting people twice my age. But I’d never been in a gunfight. If my dad and uncles hadn’t been there to watch out for me— to pull me back into shelter —I would have died.
I learned a shite ton that day. Taking more than two seconds to decide means death. One second means getting shot at or stabbed. Having hours to consider Thea is a luxury. Even the minutes we’ve had talking today is a lifetime in my world. Even these thoughts are buzzing through my head at warp speed.
Thea’s looking at me with a mix of curiosity and fear. I told her the truth. I am a dangerous man. I live surrounded by it, and I’m violent when I have to be. Very violent. Ruthless. Conniving. Intolerant. These aren’t my natural inclinations. They’re what this world made me. I can wish I were someone else, but I don’t regret who I am. I have no remorse for the things I do to our enemies. But I’m sorry I’ll bring any of it around Thea. But I guess I’m also a selfish arse to want her with me, anyway.
When she opens her mouth to say something, I can’t begin to imagine what it will be. I don’t think it’ll be a refusal.
“Finn, I’ve sensed you’re dangerous from the moment I spotted you. You’re not arrogant or cocky. Those— those imply an attitude that can’t be backed up. Bravado. An over-inflated sense of importance. Misplaced ideas of grandeur. Those aren’t you. You radiate well-earned confidence in yourself. Strength, and not just physical. You command a situation with ease, and I’m positive that comes from experience. This is your bar, and I’m certain the police leave you alone most of the time. You could have pulverized Tony out back either time. You don’t strike me as someone who lives this life for shits and giggles. You strike me as a man who can be ruthless and cunning, but that’s because you have to. You strike me as a man who is usually even-tempered, thoughtful, insightful, and kind. And I’m not saying this about how you are with me. I saw the way you were with Mair. You could have lost your shit with your waitress, but you didn’t. You saw things in Tony I should have but didn’t. You could have repeated what he said, but you didn’t because you knew it would do more harm than good. You are an enigma. You are two men in one body.”
“You’re the insightful one. I am two men. I’m the one I have to be, and I don’t want him anywhere near you. I’m the one I choose to be. That’s the one I hope you want to be with. But you have to accept both, Thea. There’s no way around it.”
“Why? I mean, not the part about there being no way around it. I mean the accepting it part.”
I tighten my hold on her, and she relaxes even more. I’m looking down at her, but I can’t see most of her face. I can tell her eyes are closed. She’s responding the exact opposite of how she should. How most women would. It’s not chasing the thrill of being with a man like me. It’s like the more I tell her the truth, the safer she feels with me. The more she’s letting down her guard. She knows I’ll protect her, even if I haven’t said it.
“You know why, cailín. It’s why you haven’t run from here and straight to the police.”
She leans back so her head rests against my shoulder rather than my chest. Her mesmerizing eyes lock with mine. It’s slow, but she nods. She cups my cheek, and her thumb runs over my cheekbone. I might be a ginger, but I can grow a full beard. She brushes my five o’clock shadow.
“What does that mean?”
“Little girl.”
She doesn’t shy away from that. I’ve heard Dillan call Mair that. It seemed sweet, but I didn’t give it much thought. I know his proclivities since they’re the same as mine and the other guys. None of us are into DDLG, but we like our kinks.
But it’s not that. That word isn’t about domination and submission. It’s not because Dillan thinks Mair is a child, and I definitely don’t think Thea is. She’s all woman. It means I want to take care of her and protect her from this world— not just my life. She’s physically smaller than me, too. I’m taller. My shoulders are broader. I’m stronger.
“Like how Shemar Moore calls the IT genius woman ‘baby girl’ on the TV show?”
“Yes. I don’t see you as anyone younger than who you are. I’m not looking for that. I know some couples with that relationship, but I’m not a Daddy Dom.”
“But you are a Dom, aren’t you?”
“Why do you ask?”
“You brought up a BDSM dynamic most people wouldn’t know about. You radiate that kind of control.”
“You looked down earlier. You didn’t object to me putting you on my lap, and you haven’t tried to get up. Are you a sub?”
“Answer my question first, Finn. Don’t deflect. Don’t decide how you want to answer based upon mine.”
My eyes widen. “I wasn’t. I got curious and forgot you’d asked. I am not a Dom with any kind of arrangement. I’ve never been in a committed BDSM relationship of any kind. Thea, I haven’t been in a committed relationship since I was a junior in college. My life isn’t conducive to that romantically, and I’m not interested in that purely sexually. But I have a dominant personality, and I know you can understand why. I don’t expect you to be a sub.”
“But you’d like me to be.”
“No.”
“You can’t easily put two dominant people together. One of them has to submit.”
“You can submit without being a submissive. I don’t want you to obey me, and I’m not into domestic discipline. You can argue with me, and you can do the things you want. I want an equal.”
“But you want me to submit to you intimately.”
This conversation just went from zero to sixty in one-point-five seconds. We may as well discuss it because if we can’t agree on this now, then we won’t agree on it later. I’d rather we’re on the same page before we even go on our first date than have a great time going out on a few dates, then discover we don’t want the same things.
“I think we both want that.”
She watches me for what has to be at least a minute.
“You said you don’t want domestic discipline. But you would like to spank me. You would like to command me if we have sex.”
“Thea, if we date, there is only one instance where I will ever spank you as discipline. If you endanger your life or others. I won’t tolerate it. There are precautions we will have to take because you don’t know this life yet, and there are dangerous people in this world. If you stay with me, you will learn how to navigate this. Whether you knowingly or accidentally endanger yourself, I will spank you. Hard. If you do things that risk the lives of men assigned as bodyguards, I will spank you. Hard. But if you don’t want to do something, I won’t punish you for saying no. I admit I’ve had some kinky fucking thoughts about you.”
“I’ve had some kinky fucking thoughts about you, too. I’ve never been in a submissive relationship. Not romantically or purely sexually. But I have been— am —into BDSM. Not with every partner.” She gives me a pointed look that means Tony. “I have submitted physically and to an extent mentally. But I see my submission as not a true power exchange. I always have the right to say no. It’s my choice what I submit to. I still have control of myself, and I suppose I have control of the situation.”
“You do. I may take the lead and control what we do, how we do it, and even when we do it. But you can always express what you do or don’t want. And you ultimately have the last word. I will never ignore or refuse your limits. If this isn’t what you want now, or it becomes something you don’t want later, then you tell me. Thea, I don’t have to have this part of a relationship to want a relationship with you.”
“A relationship?”
“We are not negotiating sex, and you know that.”
“True. You said you haven’t been in a relationship since you were— what —twenty-one— twenty-two. Did you have this conversation with that person back then?”
“No. We sensed we were into similar things, but I knew she wasn’t someone I would be with for long. She wasn’t someone I thought I could share my life with. My real life. She saw what I wanted her to see.”
“You want me to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.”
“Never the ugly. You may have a clue what that is. But I will never tell you. I was honest when I said I don’t want to lie to you. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times when I will. I will lie about where I am, who I’m with, and what I’m doing. I will lie to keep you safe, to keep my family safe, and to keep the people who depend upon me safe.”
“You didn’t say you would lie to keep yourself safe. You didn’t forget to say that. You put other people ahead of you. You aren’t selfish. You’re a leader.”
“I am selfish. I’m the definition of selfish to even consider wanting you. I’m selfish to ask you to be part of this.”
“You said you’d lie about who you’re with.”
“I will never be unfaithful to you. I will not sleep with someone to get what I want. Not you. Not anyone else. But I do business in some pretty shady places, and they often involve half or completely naked women. They are not who I’m there to see. They are not who I’ll be looking at. I don’t go to strip clubs for the shows. Besides, there would be a line eleven deep of family members to castrate me if I did something so disgraceful as to cheat.”
She shifts to straddle me, so we can look at each other more easily.
“Can I break up with you and walk away whenever I want?”
“Always. No matter what type of relationship it is. How casual or serious it is. No cement shoes. No sleeping with the fishies. No hits put on you. None of that. I told you. I’m not Al Capone or Bugsy Segal. I’m not Hollywood mob.”
“You definitely are not that. Can I tell you what I think?”
“Always. I want to know.”
“I think you are a man who makes me feel special. You say I’m beautiful, and I appreciate it. I don’t see myself that way, so it feels good for a man as hot as you to think that about me. I?—”
“Wait. I get you might not see yourself the way I see you. But does it surprise you that I think you’re good enough for me?”
“Maybe not you, but the rest of the world will think our attractiveness is unbalanced.”
“Thea, you have to be kidding. I don’t see myself the way you do me. But no one in their right mind would think I’m more attractive than you. You’re stunning.” I pull her hips toward mine. “You have to have felt that since the moment you sat down. I want you, Thea. I want to fuck you, and I have since the moment I saw you. I want to be inside you. I want to taste you. I want all the things we can think of. I’m attracted to you physically, but I want you to know it’s more than that.”
“You have. You’ve been clear about what attracts you to me. I appreciate that. It’s more than superficial. But it still feels good to know you also want me because you think I’m pretty.”
“Stunning. A kid’s doll can be pretty. You take my breath away.”
Her smile is soft, almost self-conscious. It’s sweet. It’s enticing. But I won’t rush her. I know I said I would control things, but she has to come to me. I never want her to feel forced or trapped.
“Finn, may I kiss you?”
“You never have to ask, little one.”
She leans forward and tilts her head. Our lips brush, and the surge of lust that shoots to my dick makes it throb. She feels it and presses her hips forward. I swallow my groan. My hand cups her neck while the other grips her hip. Together, we move her hips to rub against me. The moment she parts her lips, I plunge my tongue into her mouth. Sweet Baby J. She’s sucking lightly on my tongue, and she knows exactly what it’s doing to me. Fecking hell. I’m going to come in my pants if this keeps going. But I don’t want to stop her.
The kiss keeps going, and it’s getting more heated by the second. My cock’s telling me to lay her on the sofa, strip off her pants and panties, and feast on her pussy then thrust until I explode inside her. My mind is telling me to slow down. Neither is communicating with the other. I settle for both hands on her arse, pressing her against my cock but not letting her rock.
“Finn.” She sighs my name as we come up for air.
“I’ve never had a kiss like that before.” I didn’t mean to blurt that out.
“Like what?”
“Like nothing else in the world exists but us. Like I’m floating out of my body, looking down on us and wondering how the feck I got so lucky. Like I want to keep doing that until we’re too tired to keep going. Then I want to do it some more.”
Well, fuck. Why not confess every fecking thing? I may as well tell her it wasn’t Sean who broke my parents’ wedding flute when I decided to see if I could drain a glass of beer without holding it. Yeah, I let my baby brother take the fall for that, and he never ratted me out. My parents still think it was him.
“I’ve never had a kiss like that, either.”
“Yeah?”
“That didn’t feel like a first kiss. Like— it was so natural. Like we’ve been doing this for longer than a few seconds. But it was definitely more momentous than any other first— any —kiss at all.”
I lean in for another one, this time taking control from the beginning. Her hand tunnels through my hair as the other grips a handful of my shirt. I roll us, so she’s beneath me.
“I won’t take this any further. My brothers and cousins have the code to this office. There are other people here. And I’m not having our first truly intimate encounter be in a bar. But I want to. I want all of you.”
She flexes her hips and grins.
“I know.”
I sorta break my promise. I skim by hand down her pants and beneath her panties. When she doesn’t stop me, I slide my fingers between her pussy lips before I pull them out. I suck the tips of them.
“You want me too.”
“What’re you going to do about it?”