Chapter 8
The things that come out of my mouth. What’s his favorite breakfast food? Who am I?
This is moving way too fast. I’m letting myself get caught in the tidal wave that is Finn O’Rourke. He surged into my life, and I’m about to be pulled under, spun around like the rinse cycle, and probably spit out like a beached whale.
The problem is everything about being with him feels right. It was weird, then tense, when we ran into Maria and her family. Finn isn’t wrong. She is a kindhearted person, and now, realizing who her family is makes me appreciate her even more. You would never guess she comes from one of the wealthiest families in NYC. They must be. Her husband didn’t hover any more than Finn did, but it was obvious he wouldn’t take his eyes off Finn for even a second. I’m not sure if any of the men blinked during that entire brief conversation.
The other woman, Serafina— I think that’s what I heard Finn call her —remained quiet, but she was just as observant as the men. I don’t know what her story is, but she didn’t strike me as ignorant of who Finn is or the family she married into. Just the opposite. I sense she and Maria are very much alike. I know Maria’s close to her cousin Carmine, but I didn’t know he was married.
Taylor brings our drinks just as the show is about to start. I glance over my shoulder and am relieved to notice Heidi isn’t looking in our direction anymore. She’s busy making drinks, but as soon as I turn around, it’s as though eyes are boring into my back. I want to squirm, but I won’t give her that satisfaction if she is looking. It’s probably my imagination.
Finn and I are quiet as the opening act takes the stage. The guy is hilarious, but it’s the headliner that has me nearly snorting my drink a couple times. I watch her look in our direction a few times, then quickly look away. She finds some way to tease everyone else in the front row, but she studiously ignores us. Did someone tell her the owner was in the audience?
It’s just as well. After what’s happened so far tonight, I appreciate flying under the radar for a bit. It’s amazing how fast the next three hours zoom by. Finn and I hold hands for part of the show, and he has his arm draped over the back of my chair for some of it. But a lot of it has his hand resting on my thigh. He does nothing more than leave it there, but it’s enough to make me shift a few times. Each time I do, his fingers press against my inner thigh. Then he eases the pressure. He knows what he’s doing to me.
“That was great. Thanks for this, Finn. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.”
It’s true. What’s there to laugh about? My nephew’s condition? No. The babies at work? Rarely. The shit with Tony? No. The shit with my parents? No. This felt good for my soul. I needed it.
“I’m glad you enjoyed it. I heard this comic was good, but it can be a bit hit or miss, you know?”
“I do. But, Finn, are you why she said nothing about us?”
“She knows I’m the owner.”
He’s being cagey. I think he must have, but it doesn’t feel worth pushing him on. He wanted to be sure I enjoyed it and wasn’t insulted. Again, considerate. He helps me on with my jacket. But just as we get to the door he gets a call. He apologizes but has to step away. It leaves me looking around.
“He’s into you.”
I turn around to find Heidi right behind me. What do I say to that? I know?
“I’m into him.” It’s true.
“Finn’s a good guy. If he’s with you, then he wants to be with you.”
I don’t understand, and it must show.
“The O’Rourke men don’t date casually. I can tell he told you about our arrangement. He ended it yesterday, and I get why now. He’ll look at me like a little sister, and that’s cool. There were more years that he was like an older brother. But let me give you a word of advice.” She pauses. I nod. “I can tell you know what he is. If you can’t accept giving all of yourself to him but never getting all of him back, leave now. It’s unfair, but you’ll break his heart. He doesn’t deserve that.”
“Heidi?”
Finn walks up behind me, and I don’t know if he heard any of what she said. I turn toward him and smile. He looks nervous. Then I look back at Heidi.
“It was nice to meet you. I think you’re right.”
She nods and walks away. I know Finn wants to know what I meant, but he won’t ask. He’s told me he’ll respect me not wanting to share my thoughts. But this isn’t something I want to keep from him. I don’t see any reason to.
“She was being nice, Finn. She said you’ll look at her like a little sister, and she’ll go back to looking at you like a brother. That you guys were like that for longer than you weren’t.”
“She’s right.”
“She also gave me a piece of advice that I think I’ll heed.”
He still doesn’t ask me to share. But he appears curious. When I offer nothing, he turns us toward the door. We step outside, and we’re more alone than a moment ago. I step around him and turn.
“I don’t completely understand Heidi’s advice, but I think she’s right. She told me I have to accept giving all of me to you but not receiving all of you back in return. If I can’t live with that, then I should walk away.”
He glances back at the door, and now he really doesn’t seem thrilled that she spoke to me. I put my hand on his forearm.
“She’s right, isn’t she?”
“Yes. I’d just hoped to get through the first date without having to explain more about my life that I wish didn’t exist. I hoped to end the evening on an uneventful note.”
End the evening?
“Thea, I can’t escort you home. I have to meet with my cousins. Something came up with Shane’s import/export business. A shipment of rugs from India got lost in transit. I need to run some numbers to see what the losses will be and what we want to claim with the insurance company.”
That sounds shockingly legit.
“Cailín, this is aboveboard. But it’s going to take several hours. With the time difference, it’s already the workday there. Joey’s my driver tonight. I’d like him to take you home, please.”
He’s basically asking. This sounds like a shitshow he’s going to have to deal with. I don’t want to make his night worse. It was good during the times we were alone, but it wasn’t great when we weren’t. If knowing I made it home safely is important to him, then I’ll accept graciously.
“I’d appreciate it.”
We walk to the town car that’s parked at the curb. A man gets out of the driver’s side, but Finn shakes his head. We stop next to the back door as the man gets back into the vehicle.
“The privacy glass will be up when you get in. You can lower it and tell Joey your address. He’ll escort you to your door and wait until he’s certain you’re inside safely. Do you live in an apartment building?”
“Yeah. Condos, but I’m all the way on Staten Island.”
“That’s not a problem. Joey will take you.”
Traffic between Manhattan, where the hospital is, and Staten Island, where I live, is the reason it’s usually not worth trying to go home for my ten-hour break.
“Finn. I know you trust Joey or else you wouldn’t send me with him. But I’ll text you when I get into my place.”
I get my phone out and unlock it. I pull up a contact and put his name in before handing it to him. He punches his in, and I send him a text, so he has mine. Neither of us is in a hurry to end the night, but it’s just as well. The tide is ebbing, and I have a chance to think rationally before I do something I can’t take back. I don’t usually sleep with guys on the first date. I have, but I don’t usually. I want things with Finn to work.
We need to slow down a little and build a foundation that isn’t purely sexual frustration. I see that now, but the moment his lips meet mine, all restraint disappears. If he were taking me home, I bet we’d be fucking in the backseat.
He opens the door for me, then closes it softly once I’m inside. I roll down the privacy glass and tell Joey my address. He raises the glass, and I lower my window.
“Thanks for a great night, Finn.”
“Same to you.”
“I’ll text when I’m home. I promise.”
“Thank you, little one.”
I thank Joey when he holds the door open to my building. I can tell he’s scanning the lobby before I cross the threshold. I could tell he surveyed the area when he helped me from the car. I look back as I get into the elevator. He dips his chin, then the doors close.
Me
Thanks again for a wonderful night. I had a fantastic time.
It’s a couple minutes, but then my phone vibrates.
Finn
I did too. I’d like to see you again the next time you’re free.
I could tell him I’m free the next two nights, but I’m not sure if I should see him so soon if I want to pump the breaks a bit.
Kimmy
Hey! How’d the date go? Are you going to be answering me in the morning?
I don’t expect my friend’s text to come in before I can respond. Before I’m done reading, another text pops up from her.
Kimmy
A bunch of us are going to Tropicals tomorrow night. Do you want to come?
A casino in Atlantic City. I’m not much of a gambler, but I like roulette and blackjack. It’s been ages since I’ve been there, and the buffet is amazing. That’s the real reason to go. I think about Finn, then my family dinner next Saturday. I’d really like to see him before that. Maybe the night after tomorrow.
I tap over to Finn’s text.
Me
I’d like that too. I have plans tomorrow night. But are you free the next night?
Finn
Yeah. Let me know what you’d like to do. I picked this time.
Me
Let me think about it. I hope everything works out tonight.
Finn
Me too. Thanks. Sleep well, cailín.
That makes my toes curl into my carpet. I really love it when he calls me that. I want a name for him, but I can’t think of anything special. I have time.
Me
I will. You too.
Fuck. I know what I almost typed. No. I cannot call him that.
I tap Kimmy’s text and go back to that.
Me
Sounds good. What time?
Kimmy
I wasn’t sure you were going to answer. Buffet opens at six. You know the line. Do you want to make a day of it? We can get a suite and go out to the beach. Then get cleaned up and head down for dinner then the casino. It’d be you, me, Dory, Samantha, Nicole, and Terry.
They’re a mix of doctors and nurses. They’re all from OBGYN, so I work with them all the time. Kimmy’s the person I’m closest to at work. She’s a doctor, but you’d never guess the reserved woman who looks up vajayjays all day is the wild woman who’ll dance on tabletops without a drop to drink first. Then again, she’s said the same thing about me minus the vadges. I see plenty, I’m just not looking up them.
The water’ll still be frigid, but it’s been unseasonably warm this spring. It’ll be nice to get some Vitamin D now that winter’s over.
Me
Sounds good
Kimmy
Want me to pick you up?
Me
That’d be great. Who else is riding with you?
Kimmy
Sam and Nikki.
Thank God. I like Dory a lot, but not in an enclosed space like Kimmy’s midsize Lexus. That would be a loooong two and a half hours.
Me
What time should I be ready?
Kimmy
Let’s say 9:30. I’ll make a reservation right now.
Me
Cool
I have something to look forward to rather than worrying about my parents. I can tell myself that, but at least it’ll occupy my mind. And it’ll distract me from thinking about what Finn’s doing and how many hours it’ll be before I see him again.
I toss clothes in a bag along with some toiletries and shoes. It’s already just past one, so I’m asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
“Hola, chica.”
I move over to let the guy next to me have more room at the roulette table. It was a great afternoon on the beach with the girls. I definitely ate way too much at the buffet, and I’m up a hundred dollars at this table.
“Whatcha drinking?”
I slide my plastic cup over. “Just a soda.”
I am. I slept super well, but the last few days have caught up with me. If I drink any more than the wine I had at dinner and the couple of cocktails from earlier, I’ll fall asleep where I sit. I already have a strong case of heavy head. I feel like putting my head down and closing my eyes. But I also want to see if I can make back my part of the suite and the drinks I bought today. That’ll make it a good night.
“That’s boring. Let me get you something better.”
“No thanks. I don’t drink.”
“That’s not true. I saw you out at the pool today. Looked like a couple Blue Hawaiians went down easy.”
The way he looks at me tells me he means something entirely different. Gross.
He’s not bad looking or even that much older than me, but he’s skeezy the way he’s coming onto me. I look at Terry, who’s sitting across from me. She’s trying not to laugh. I feel like sending him over to her. I feel like sticking my tongue out at her.
“I’m done for tonight. Thanks though. Excuse me.”
I reach to place my bet, and his hand brushes my arm. I ignore it. But when his leg nudges mine, I pull away.
“Come on, chica.”
Why is he calling me that?
“Permítame pagarle una copa.” Let me buy you a drink.
My Spanish isn’t great, but I understand him. I ignore him. I play a few more spins, and I’m still up. I signal to Terry that I want to leave, so we gather our chips.
“?Se van tan pronto? Vamos mami. Trae ese culito puertorrique?o apretado aquí.” Leaving so soon? Come on, mami. Bring that tight little Puerto Rican ass over here.
This isn’t the first time someone’s confused me for Puerto Rican, though it’s just as often Dominican. When he stands and tries to brush his hand against my ass, a security guard appears.
“Leave the lady alone.” The security guard’s voice is so low it could be Barry White but gravely, like Bruce Springsteen.
“Mind your own business.”
“She’s getting up to leave, and she’s already been ignoring you. Leave the lady alone.”
“She’s with me. Aren’t you, babe?”
“I’m—”
“I’m pretty sure my girlfriend is with me.”
I spin around to see Finn walking over. He appears relaxed, but there’s that energy vibrating off him that first attracted me to him when he threw Tony out the first time. I’d only followed Tony because I felt obligated to when it looked like Cormac and Seamus were going to play pinball with him.
“Bullshit, she’s your woman. Why was she leaning over me like that if she didn’t want me looking at her tits?”
“Because you were in the way, and she was polite enough not to shove you off your stool. You’re cut off. Todd, escort Mr. Juarez back to his room. Make sure he’s tucked in for the night.”
“Who the fuck are you? I’m not done playing.”
“I own this casino. You’re about to be thrown out altogether. Go to your room on your own or have my guys toss you out on your arse. You’ll find every place in Atlantic City that isn’t some roach motel is suddenly booked up.”
“You can’t do shit.”
“I own three other casinos, and I’m well acquainted with the owners of the other six worth staying at.”
Is there anything he doesn’t own?
Terry’s come around the table to stand beside me, but she’s remaining quiet as she tries to figure out who Finn is and why he just called himself my boyfriend. Did he just say it for this douche’s sake?
The big guy, Todd, steps forward and puts out his hand as though he’s going to take the DB’s arm. The DB pulls away so hard he nearly falls over. No one moves to help him. He stumbles, and how drunk he is becomes obvious.
“Lenny?” A woman with so much collagen that she has her own life preservers walks over. “Lenny, baby. What’s going on?”
“Is he yours?” Disgust drips from Finn’s tone. Things just went from bad to worse.
“Yeah. Why?”
I look at Finn and shake my head, shooting him a pointed look not to tell the woman what really happened.
“Take him up to your room. He’s too drunk and causing a disturbance.”
“What kind of disturbance?” The woman doesn’t relent.
“The kind that’s making other guests uncomfortable.”
Great. Now she turns her sights on me. She looks me up and down, and it’s clear I don’t pass muster. I’m in a cute dress with ankle boots and a cropped jacket. I think I look nice. But it’s also obvious I’m not spending my days at a plastic surgeon’s office. She turns her nose up and looks at Lenny.
“Lenny, what did you do?”
“Nothing. The bitch wanted it.”
The woman shrieks, and Finn’s ready to lunge at Lenny. He doesn’t after all. But he gets in Lenny’s face, having to look down since he’s half a head taller than the jackass. I can barely hear him over all the noise of the slot machines, but I’m close enough.
“You do not want to call my girlfriend another thing. You want to walk out of here on your own two feet before I break them both. You want to take your woman up to your room and stay there. If you don’t, I will make sure you’re escorted off the property. It’s awfully dark tonight, and the lighting isn’t so good once you’re off the casino grounds. I’d hate for you to fall.”
Finn pushes his shoulders back, and for the first time I realize just how big he is. He doesn’t have poor posture, but neither does he impose his size. With his chest and back fully expanded, he’s nearly as big as Cormac and Seamus. He steps back and reaches for me. When I go to wrap my arm around his waist like I have before, he moves in a way that traps my arm at my side. Weird. He just defended me, but he doesn’t want anyone to see me with my arm around his waist.
Todd follows the couple toward the elevators. When we see them get on, Finn steps around, so we can look at each other.
“What did he say to you?”
“He was just being a jerk. He wanted to buy me a drink and didn’t want to take no for an answer. I ignored him. He tried to brush up against me a couple times, but I ignored that too. I was winning, so I stayed. Finn, this is my friend Terry.”
I turn toward Terry, who’s been watching all of this play out. She smiles at Finn, and I can tell she’s about to do her diagnostician thing with about a thousand questions and hypotheses the moment we’re alone. She’s an OBGYN and specializes in high-risk pregnancies.
“Hello.” Finn smiles at her and offers her his hand.
“Terry, this is Finn.” I don’t know if I should say he’s my boyfriend. I don’t know if I should say his last name.
“Nice to meet you.”
Before Terry or I can say more, Finn smiles down at me.
“Ladies, let any of the staff know if you need anything. I’ll let you continue your night. I’m glad I recognized you when Todd said there was a drunk guy on the floor bothering a woman.”
What the fuck?
Did I just get the blow off? Why’d he defend me if he’s just going to pretend like we barely know each other? Now I get why he didn’t want me to wrap my arm around him. He was just pretending. That stings.
“Do you want to find the others, Ally?”
“Sure. Thanks, Finn. It was good seeing you.”
We’re standing with our backs to a wall, and I don’t think Finn maneuvered us like that on accident. When Terry turns around, his hand goes to my ass.
“You look gorgeous, cailín. The things you make me think about. I don’t know if you’ve told your friends anything about dating someone new. I don’t even know if you told them you ended things with Tony. But I’ll be counting the hours until our date tomorrow. Did you pick something to do?”
I shake my head. I step away from him, so Terry doesn’t get that far ahead of me. But I twist to see Finn.
“Thank you. Terry’s going to have a shit ton of questions. Can I tell her your full name?”
“Of course.”
“Are we dating?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“Okay.”
I hurry to catch up with Terry, who shockingly doesn’t ask me a million questions. She looks back at Finn, then at me.
“He’s hot.”
“Yeah, he is.”
“He’s not your boyfriend, is he?”
She does have some.
“No. But we’ve gone out, and I’m seeing him tomorrow night. He knew saying he’s my boyfriend would make the guy back off.”
“He likes you. A lot.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because he would have come over as just the casino owner if he didn’t. He’s a hundred percent better than Tony. You deserve someone good after him. I heard what he said at the bar. Fuck him.”
“I’d rather not. I broke up with him, so I don’t have to.” I laugh, and Terry grins.
We find our friends, and the rest of the night is fun. We all come out ahead when we head up to the suite. We got two, so we all have our own room.”
Finn
What time would you and your friends like breakfast?
I just finished brushing my teeth and was about to climb into bed.
Me
I don’t know. Check out’s at eleven, so probably like 9:30-10. Why?
Finn
Your suites are comped. I’ll send up whatever you want whenever you want. Mimosas?
Me
You don’t have to do this. He was a drunk idiot.
Finn
It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with spoiling you
Me
It’s not necessary.
Finn
I know. That’s what makes it spoiling.
I don’t feel like he’s trying to impress me or even buy my— affection —or whatever. I think he genuinely wants me to have a good time here. I wonder if gift giving is his love language. Or maybe this falls under acts of service.
Me
You’re very sweet did you know that?
Finn
Only my mom says that. And she has to. She’s my mom.
Me
Well she’s right
He sends me the emoji with the heart eyes, and I giggle. I look toward the bedroom door, and I’m tempted to invite him up. The other bedrooms are across a sitting area. Kimmy and Terry would never know.
Finn
I hope I didn’t overstep tonight I didn’t make it weird with your friend did I?
Me
No. I appreciate what you did. She understood. She even pointed it out.
It’s too soon to really call us a couple or say that we’re dating. He’s not my boyfriend, yet we’ve said we don’t want to be with anyone else. I guess that makes him that. I don’t know. I don’t know what to make of most of this, but I’ll go along. When you’re in a rip tide, you don’t fight it. You swim parallel.
Finn
I have to go. There’s a problem on the floor that I need to deal with. Sleep well little one
Me
You too.
Again, I have to keep myself from typing the word that comes to mind. But it’s on the tip of my tongue every time I think about him. What would he say if I called him what I’m thinking?