27. 스물일곱 ‘sumulilgob’
It’s been a few days since my appointment. I closed the bakery for the week, saying I was ill. In a way, it wasn’t a lie. It still makes me sick to think about that night, but I’ve been taking my time to heal. I even unscheduled my session with Ms Julie for yesterday because I’m still not ready to talk about it.
My friends check up on me constantly, and Moon Hee keeps bringing me warm food to eat—he says sandwiches and cereals are not enough to keep me healthy—but they don’t ask about it; they know I’ll go to them when I’m ready.
‘Lilah?’ My flatmate knocks on my door.
I get up from my bed, still in my pyjamas, and open it. They let me sleep to my heart’s content this week.
‘Yes?’ I rub my eyes. I’d been awake for a few minutes, but hadn’t found the strength to get up.
‘It’s New Year’s Eve…so I was wondering what you think of having a small gathering here with the boys and Sofía.’ She glances behind her to the living room as a sign that they are here.
‘Wouldn’t you rather go to a party or something? You always go to parties on this day.’
‘I would rather spend the night with my best friend. You always went to bed early on this day, so I had no other choice than to go out. Will you stay awake this time?’
I’m not much in the mood to socialise, but her glimmering eyes take the best of me. ‘Sure, sounds good.’ Besides, spending time with them has been preventing me from going down the depression hole again, even if it has been just one or two at a time and not all like tonight will be.
‘Yay, I’m so excited! You just relax and I’ll take care of everything.’ Elisa goes back to the living room and tells them the news.
A few seconds later, my tall, tattooed neighbour walks my way, even before I close my door.
‘My dearest Lilah, did you sleep well?’ Elijah has been a sweetheart. Even after I broke his heart, he’s stayed by my side.
‘I did, thank you,’ I say, looking down.
It’s weird to think that even though I’ve remembered both the night and the following weeks, I still feel so down. It’s not as if I’m going through it again, but it brought up all the old feelings. Like painting a room in the same colour, you know how it looks, yet with the paint still fresh, it seems renewed.
He wraps his arms around me, his warmth giving me all the comfort I need without words. Elijah knows words aren’t his strong suit, but he’s improved in comforting people, at least with me. Sometimes a hug is worth more than any word.
‘Are you really up for tonight?’ he asks, stroking my back.
‘I will be,’ I say into his shirt.
He pats the top of my head and lets go of me with a sympathetic smile. I know this is hard on him too, being around me like this.
‘Have you talked more with Rebecca since the dinner?’ I haven’t, but I’m hoping they have.
‘We text sometimes, but my focus isn’t on her right now.’
‘Ouch,’ I say, lifting my right hand to my chest. ‘You have a gift to make a girl feel guilty.’
‘I have a gift to make a girl feel. Period.’ The man smirks, and watching the left corner of his mouth lift is all I need to know he’s getting over it, over me. ‘I’m joking. I’m focusing more on myself. Moon Hee even got me reading one of his self-help books.’
‘He got you reading? Now, he’s the one with the true gift.’ I chuckle, and he rolls his eyes.
‘Join us when you’re ready.’
‘I will.’ I nod.
I take my time in the shower, washing every inch in my body twice. I’ve been doing that since Monday. It’s been five years, but I have again the need to scrub myself. It’s not as bad as before. I remember one day when I scrubbed so hard my entire body was raw after my shower. I had to change the clothes I wore after an hour because they got all bloody red .
I’m limiting myself to a gentle scrub twice and a great amount of moisturiser after.
Entering the living room, they all sit on the sofa watching a film.
‘What are you watching?’ I ask.
‘ Love Actually ,’ Moon Hee says as we exchange glances for the first time in a few days.
I’ve been avoiding him the most.
My therapist would be proud of me, because I’m choosing to let myself feel instead of reaching for the one thing I know could make me forget everything—in this case, the one person. Him.
Allowing Moon Hee in would mean I would feel happier when I want to be sad. When I want to grieve.
But I also know I can’t avoid him much longer before he starts asking questions. He’s made it clear he’s not afraid to be blunt with me, and I know he’ll ask me why I’m avoiding him. And if he does…I’m not sure how I’ll hide my feelings for him anymore.
‘Great film…’ I say, pursing my lips together and slowly taking my gaze from his, not to cause any suspicion.
I move to the kitchen to eat something. When I turn to our table, there’s a pot lid covering a dish. On top there’s a yellow sticky note with the words ‘Just heat it up. PS: They might not be as good as yours’.
He didn’t sign it, but I know who it’s from. I uncover the lid and a plate of pancakes stares at me. With the sticky note on one hand and the pot lid on the other, I smile.
He made a smiley face with chocolate chips.
I grab the plate and warm it up for a few seconds in the microwave. As the plate warms, I peek into the living room and as if he had a Delilah radar, he looks in my direction. I smile and give him a finger heart. He smiles back.
I haven’t had anything other than cereal for breakfast all week, so these pancakes taste like heaven.
As I lick the last remains off the fork, I’m startled when Moonie says near my ear, ‘Were they tasty?’
The fork falls on the plate, making more sound than I expected. My hand presses into my chest. ‘You bloody scared me!’
He chuckles. ‘I missed your smile.’
I swallow, avoiding his gaze. ‘Thank you for this and all the food you’ve been bringing me.’
‘I wouldn’t want you to lose those pretty curves of yours.’
My eyes widen, and shocked isn’t enough of a word to express what I’m feeling. ‘Wow. I would expect a line like that from Elijah, but you? Who are you and what have you done to my Moonie?’
He chuckles. ‘You just haven’t seen all sides of me.’
‘Moon Hee,’ Elijah says, entering the kitchen. ‘We should go see your mum now, so we can get ready for tonight after it.’
‘Yeah, we should.’ Moon Hee straightens his back and turns his body to Elijah.
As they leave the room, my designated chef for this week stops and turns his head back to me, giving me a finger heart, before turning the corner of the wall where my eyes can no longer see him.
***
‘What do you think?’ Elisa asks, spinning in her new see-through turquoise dress covered in small turquoise rhinestones.
‘You look good in everything.’
Her dark complexion makes bold colours suit her so much, unlike my fair skin, which only pastels and neutrals suit.
‘Do I need to get all dressed up like this? We’re at home…’ I say.
‘You were at a home as well for my birthday and got dressed up, so get your ass up and go to your closet.’ My friend lifts me up off the bed and pushes me to the closet.
I open it with a growl and rummage through it to find something pretty but comfortable. I come upon my lilac dress, the fabric feeling like soft clouds on my skin. Perfect.
‘This one.’ I show her the dress. ‘I only accept this one.’
‘Fine, it’s cute. But you’re letting me do your makeup.’
I nod. I wouldn’t want to do it either way.
The doorbell rings throughout the house and Elisa moves to answer it.
‘Hi babe,’ I hear, letting me know it’s Sofía. Good, I’m not ready to face men yet.
‘You look amazing!’ Sofía says to Elisa.
They come to my room, and I greet Sofía with a wave and a smile.
‘That’s such a cute dress, Lilah. I love it,’ Sofía says, wrapping her arm around Elisa’s waist.
‘Thank you.’
Every time I see them together, I feel so happy for my best friend. She really found someone that sees her and treats her like the queen she is.
‘Let’s let her get ready,’ Elisa says, closing the door on their way out.
When I’m dressed in the comfiest dress I own, some black tights and my white fluffy slippers, because I refuse to hold my feet hostage at home, I meet with Elisa to do my make-up. I tell her to do something simple, so she gives me a lilac eyeshadow and a cat eyeliner. Some highlights here and there and finishing with a non-stick lip gloss with a slight hint of pink, appearing almost as my natural lip colour when blood pumps in them after a kiss.
‘There’s some liquor and snacks in the kitchen, and the boys are getting more. As soon as they arrive, we’re ready to party!’ Elisa claps her hands together.
A few moments later, we hear the doorbell and since I’m closest to it and the girls are cuddling, I go to open it.
‘Hey,’ I say as two Korean men stare in my direction. Whenever I forget they’re my friends and look at them as more, I’m constantly astonished by their beauty. And it’s not just one, it’s both.
Elijah wears black suit pants and a white shirt, the three top buttons hanging free and sleeves rolled up, showing all his black tattoos. Moon Hee is in a similar outfit, but his shirt is black and there’s only one tattoo peeking in his right arm—although the ink on his chest peeks to greet me.
‘Hey,’ Moon Hee greets, staring at my outfit before his eyes stop on mine.
‘Hey, beautiful,’ Elijah says, giving me a peck on the cheek before walking in. ‘Let’s get this party started!’
‘Elijah, my dearest party friend,’ Elisa says, walking in his direction as we get closer to the living room.
‘Gorgeous as always,’ he says, placing an arm around her shoulders. ‘You look lovely as well, Sofía.’
‘Moon Hee, Moon Hee…Wow, I see your flatmate’s sense of fashion has rubbed off on you.’ My best friend stares at him, nodding her head.
‘He said I couldn’t leave the house with my normal clothes.’
‘You and Lilah,’ she says, pointing between us. ‘Two peas in the same pod.’
He glances at me with a raised eyebrow, so I explain, ‘She also made me dress up,’ and he nods.
‘And you did amazing,’ Moonie says low enough for only me to hear.
I sense the blood reach my cheeks so I try diverting the attention to him. ‘So did you.’
‘Where do we put this?’ Elijah asks, raising two plastic shopping bags.
‘Kitchen. I’m going to turn on the music,’ Elisa says.
The boys arrange the extra drinks and snacks on top of the kitchen table and as I look at what they brought, I spot tteokbokki .
‘I’m definitely having this.’ I grab a pot of instant tteokbokki .
‘Don’t eat it all, that’s our go to snack,’ my tattoo-sleeved friend says.
‘You should have brought more, then.’ I smile.
‘It’s okay, we have extras at home. I can go get it if needed,’ Moon Hee says.
‘You really are a Virgo,’ I joke and he sighs, most likely regretting telling me about his interest in the zodiac.
I never knew I enjoyed teasing him as much as I do.
‘Let’s grab our drinks for now. We can eat after.’
We are all mingling in our main room when B.I’s song BTBT plays.
‘OMG,’ I say to Elisa. ‘You have this song on your playlist?’
‘Spotify suggested this song, and I liked it. I didn’t even know it was Korean until I checked the artist.’ She takes a sip of her cranberry vodka.
‘I’m so proud, I converted you to K-Pop.’ I purse my lips, pretending to be about to cry, and place my hand on her shoulder.
‘You did not.’
‘All it takes is one song. More will come, trust me.’
My flatmate rolls her eyes, turning to speak with her girlfriend again.
The music in the background merges with my thoughts as I sway with a drink in hand. My eyes closed, feeling the beat around me as the alcohol enters my veins.
The song Tattoo by Loreen rises on the speaker and I open my eyes to Moon Hee’s looking at mine. His intense glare as he leans on the wall drinking pulls me closer to him.
‘You look like you’re having a good time,’ he says.
‘And you look like you’re having a good time watching me have a good time.’
‘What can I say…You’re stuck on me like a tattoo…’ The corner of his lip lifts.
‘I must be in invisible ink, then. I don’t see it.’ Grabbing his arms, I study them, searching around for another tattoo.
He steps away from the wall, straightening himself in front of me, close enough that I can smell a faint sweet soap scent coming from him.
‘You smell nice,’ I say, stepping even closer to him. My feet are touching his.
‘And you’re drunk.’ Moon Hee places his hands on my shoulder to steady myself.
‘Just a little bit.’ I smile with closed eyes. ‘Oh!’ My eyebrows rise. ‘You know what I could go for now?’
He shakes his head.
‘ Tteokbokki !’
As I’m about to turn around to go to the kitchen, my foot trips on the other. While I’m leaning forward, seeing the floor as my destiny, Moon Hee’s grip on my shoulders tightens, pulling me back to him.
My back hits his chest as I hear him going against the wall.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask, turning my face to the side and looking back.
With his arms wrapped around me he says, ‘Sit here, I’ll get you tteokbokki .’
‘Guys, ten seconds to midnight!’ Elisa says, raising her glass to count backwards.
I turn around to face the man behind me, whose arms stay around me. My gaze looks up at his as he leans still on the wall.
‘Three…two…one…’ my other friends yell as Chase Atlantic’s Slow Down roars around us.
My eyes watch as his darken, looking down at me, his hands marking my skin. My chest feels his getting quicker, matching the pace of my breath.
His lips part, and his tongue peeks out to wet the bottom lip that’s fuller than the top with the perfect cupid’s bow. The intensity in his gaze runs down my body, electricity bursting through it. I don’t know if it’s the liquor, how good he looks, the faint smell of vanilla soap, or the fact that his face is closing in on mine but the need to join my lips with his grows on me.
My mouth can taste the alcohol on his breath as he pauses a third of an inch from me and turns his head to the side, whispering in my ear, ‘Happy new year, Delilah.’
***
I stand behind the counter of Sweet Delilah , replaying Saturday night’s event in my head. As I imagined, being around him made me forget all the worries that burdened me all week and for the past five years, and having his face so close to mine, despite much of the night being a blur, is marked into my brain in bold.
We crossed paths Sunday when he left my house, but I was too shy to even look at him.
My eyes stare at the street outside through the window when the gold bell on top of the door rings, bringing my attention to it. I only came here to grab a notebook I left before Christmas and forgot. Since I’m only reopening the bakery on Wednesday, I didn’t even bother to lock the door.
The one thing I wasn’t expecting was Moon Hee’s face to be overtaken from my mind by the one who should have stayed in the past but stands in front of me.
Vance.