Chapter Twelve
ANN-SOPHIE HELD THE baby close as he slept.
She couldn’t take her eyes off him. Peeking out from under the white knit cap were a few silky tufts of hair, and his eyelids were so thin they were almost translucent.
His soft bronze skin, his dark brown eyes…
Everything about him reminded her of Alessandro and she didn’t know what to do about it.
Footsteps echoed in the hallway, and a nurse peeked in her doorway. “There’s someone to see you.”
Her heart took off in her chest. Had Alessandro changed his mind? Her stubborn heart thumped in her chest, hoping, despite everything that had happened. He was coming with her belongings, she reminded herself. And then he could leave.
“Send him in,” she said, schooling her expression into something that came closer to neutral.
“I’ll send her in,” said the nurse before she disappeared out the door.
Before Ann-Sophie could register the comment, her mother walked through the door.
Her mother, so fierce with a beauty not shaped by her features but rather, who she was.
Margarita Svensson wore her years of experience etched on her face, and joy still sparkled through it.
She was the polar opposite of Alessandro’s mother.
“You’re here,” Ann-Sophie whispered.
Her mother rushed across the room and gathered Ann-Sophie and the baby in a long hug. Then she pulled back a little and gazed at the tiny new family member.
“Hello, beautiful,” she whispered.
“How did you find us?”
“I came with Catarina.” Her mother looked up at her. “I’m so sorry I missed the wedding. Alessandro had arranged everything for me to make it, but the storms grounded all flights and I couldn’t get out.”
Ann-Sophie blinked. “Alessandro did that?”
“He wanted to surprise you. So he made arrangements.” Her mother gave her a searching look. “Why did you tell me it wasn’t important?”
There was a hint of hurt in her mother’s voice, and it twisted something inside her. “I didn’t want to bother you. You were on this assignment and I wanted to ask you to come for the birth. I didn’t want to ask for too much.”
“?lskling, you have never asked for too much.” Her mother’s fingers brushed her cheek. “What’s the baby’s name?”
“He doesn’t have one yet.” It felt wrong to name him without Alessandro, but maybe she would have to.
“May I hold him?”
Her mother lifted the baby into her arms, and as they sat there together, the two of them in awe of this tiny new life, Ann-Sophie’s heart felt a new and different kind of full, despite the sadness.
Maybe, in the future, when some of this pain had eased, she could even be happy—as long as she didn’t think about what she was missing.
It was like her childhood, she thought with a moment of strange familiarity.
As long as she hadn’t focused on the loss of her father, she had been fine.
And it would be the same for her and her own baby.
Even though the pain of Alessandro’s decision seemed unbearable right now.
“Where is Alessandro?” Her mother looked around, frowned a little. “I was under the impression that he would be here.”
Ann-Sophie shook her head. “He left.”
She only said those two simple words, and yet, her mother seemed to hear everything in them.
“He left you two? The day after your wedding, immediately after the birth of your child?”
“To be fair, he said that he would wait until I was strong enough. I had made him promise that he wouldn’t abandon us like…”
Ann-Sophie’s mother face was solemn. “Like your father.”
Ann-Sophie nodded. “But I realized that I didn’t want him to stick around simply because he had to. I can make it on my own. And I will. It just…hurts right now.”
“Oh, ?lskling…” Her mother’s arms came around her so that she was holding Ann-Sophie and the baby, and finally, Ann-Sophie let herself cry.
Her tears were wiped and her head was kissed until the sadness dulled a little.
When she looked up, her mother’s eyes were filled with worry.
But she had made it through this same situation, Ann-Sophie reminded herself. And so would she.
“Remember a long time ago, when you told me to learn the difference between need and want? I don’t need him. I can do this on my own.”
Ann-Sophie’s mother frowned. “I’m glad that you know you can do this on your own, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want. And there’s a big difference between wanting something that is impossible and wanting something that is hard and complicated.”
Ann-Sophie took a deep breath as her mother’s words settled inside. This was at the center of the problem. She wanted something she believed in, something he said was impossible. And she didn’t know how to convince him otherwise.
“Did he say why he was leaving?” her mother asked quietly.
“His parents are truly awful, and when they came this morning, he was angry and lashed out at them and then at me when I tried to comfort him. He feels out of control, and he…” Didn’t know what to do?
Didn’t care enough to try? She had run through these possibilities and a dozen others.
The tears began again, and she grabbed a tissue to wipe them away.
“Are you ever sad that you let my father go?”
Her mother blinked, as if this was the last question she had expected. “Not at all.”
“But…” Ann-Sophie sniffed. “But you gave up love for me.”
Her mother’s face seemed to crumple. “How could you think that?”
Ann-Sophie her head slowly. “You gave up love—”
“I chose love,” said her mother said, cutting her off insistently. “You are the love of my life. And never for one moment have I thought I made a mistake or wondered if I should have chosen differently.”
Tears welled in Ann-Sophie’s eyes, and she rested her head on her mother’s shoulder.
“I’m glad the baby is sleeping through this,” she said with a little laugh.
Her mother stroked her hair. “You were so independent, and I didn’t want to smother you, to crush your spirit. But you were at the center of my life, even when you were away.”
Ann-Sophie let the balm of her mother’s words wash over her. Her mother had always been a solace, even from far away, she realized. “I guess I just wish that you could have had both my father and me.”
“I don’t,” said her mother with a sharpness that surprise her.
“What do you mean?”
Her mother looked at her for a moment, then sighed.
“When you left for university, your father came back.
He praised my work and told me that he had admired the way I had brought you up.
Now, he wanted to work together again to see where this took them us.
And I had a moment where I considered it.
This was what I had hoped for when you were a baby, that he would see how wonderful having a child could be.
“But then I realized that this was actually the opposite of what I had hoped for. I had hoped that he would regret not having you in his life. Having you had changed me so much for the better, and I wanted him to experience this. But he wanted to skip over this entire part of you and me, of what our family had been, and get back to the life he wanted. And that’s his right, but as he said that, I realized it never would’ve worked out between us.
The moment we came home from an assignment and tried actual daily living together, our relationship would have fallen apart.
So I told him some version of this, probably a lot less calmly and a lot less articulately, and told him to leave.
And he did. I have not regretted that for one moment. ”
Ann-Sophie wiped a tear that had fallen and smiled, and she wondered how her heart would survive so much joy and sadness.
“Your father would have never even thought to call my mother and arrange to get her there for the wedding,” said her mother quietly.
“Your father was not interested in what I needed, let alone what you needed. When I spoke to Alessandro on the phone, his voice was… He was doing this for you. He wanted to make you happy. I know that this is a rough time, but I just hope he finds a way to let that happiness win.”
Her mother kissed the baby’s forehead and stood up, cradling her new grandchild. “Go to sleep, sweetheart. You can rest. I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.”
Alessandro stood at the threshold of the room.
Ann-Sophie’s eyes were closed, and her mother faced her as she swayed gently back and forth.
His instincts told him to back away, to leave them in peace, but he resisted.
Because he could be a part of this scene if he was willing to work for it.
And never in his life had he felt more willing to do anything.
So he stepped into the room, and Ann-Sophie’s mother turned to him. Her movement must have startled the baby because he let out a tiny wail. Ann-Sophie’s mother smiled and offered him the baby.
Alessandro was taken aback. “I don’t know anything about crying babies.”
Margarita laughed. “None of us do in the beginning. We all just have to figure that out the hard way.”
He felt a mess of emotions bubble up, but when she handed him the baby this time, a strange calm fell over him.
The mess wasn’t gone, but it felt less…powerful.
Because you let yourself be here. The baby was still wailing, so he began to hum songs he remembered, songs that Olivia had hummed to him.
The baby’s cries turned to whimpers and, finally, he went back to sleep.
Alessandro felt a burst of pride, and he looked up, but Ann-Sophie’s mother wasn’t the only one watching him.
Ann-Sophie was awake and watching him with guarded eyes.
“You can just put my things in the corner,” she said quietly and looked away.
“I’m not here to bring you your belongings.”
She turned to him, her eyes a little wider. Then she looked away again. Her mother carefully lifted the baby from Alessandro’s arms.