CHAPTER FOUR
THECORONATIONFOLLOWED immediately after the wedding ceremony.
Vasili knelt on the step in the cathedral with Helia by his side and Helia glanced sidelong at him. She could see how hard he was gritting his teeth. She herself trembled on the inside. This feeling was far beyond nervousness. This was fear. Anxiety that she couldn’t control but couldn’t show either. She just had to dig down deeper, to find a way to fake the calm serenity the world expected from her.
But the fear refused to abate. She was terrified she would fail. She knew she already had with her little act of defiance. Adding to her vows made her a failure as Queen because she hadn’t done what was expected of her. But she and Vasili had agreed on honesty. Besides that, he was King. She needed to show she was on his side, and maybe then he would be on hers.
Once their coronation oaths were said and the ceremony was over, Vasili offered Helia his arm, which she took with a small smile, letting him lead them out of the cathedral and into the square where their carriage awaited.
Helia waved to the people, ensuring her smile never faltered. A mask that would hide her nerves and help her do exactly as she was told.
Helia couldn’t forsake her defiant heart. After all, it was what had helped her survive her years in the orphanage and beyond. Adding to her marriage vows was proof of that, but she would still take instruction on how to provide the right image for Thalonia’s queen. She had to appease Andreas to a certain degree—and more than that she had no idea how to be Queen. It was a tightrope to walk, but she had to do it for the orphanage.
For herself.
For Vasili.
She could feel his burning gaze on her skin, but she refused to look at him. She was afraid of what she would see. Afraid that she would expose her attraction to him. Afraid that her mind would morph whatever that look was on his face into some sort of lie, telling her he wanted her too.
She couldn’t lose her head.
The palace drew closer, and when the gilded carriage finally stopped Vasili stepped out and then placed his hands on Helia’s waist. Her eyes locked with his as he lifted her out. His hands tightened around her, the touch rendering her breathless. His hold had safe. Steady. As if he wouldn’t let her falter.
Helia knew that was just the hope in her heart talking and she had to control it.
‘One more show, Helia,’ he said to her softly, setting her on her feet.
‘I know. Are you ready?’
‘No, but let’s do it anyway.’
‘I feel like that might be a theme for our reign,’ she said.
She laughed, covering up the way her heart pounded from the thought of what they were about to do. From his proximity.
Vasili chuckled. A look of surprise flashed across his face. ‘Come, Your Majesty, your adoring public awaits.’
She saw straight through Vasili’s attempt at levity. There was an intensity about him that was entirely at odds with his words. He hated this, but he needed to play his part just as she was.
They walked through the palace in silence, making their way to the second floor, where they stopped before a set of closed double doors. He unlinked their arms as he turned to face her, placing his hands on her shoulders. It was as if he was bidding her to look only at him.
As if she could look anywhere else.
‘Once we go out there, every person in the world will know who you are. Your privacy will be non-existent. Do you need a minute?’
She had been more apprehensive about this part than any of the others, because now she would be on show as Queen of the land. Every other part of the ceremony had been behind closed doors. It had felt controlled. But now she had to face the people and put on an act that Andreas would approve of. One that would reflect well on Vasili. All the while feeling like a fraud.
‘I’m fine,’ she said with a smile.
‘And I’m going to remind you to be honest,’ he said.
She glanced out through the doors, made up of numerous panes of glass, at the crowd beyond. ‘I’m nervous—of course I am—but delaying helps no one.’
‘If you’re sure?’
‘Do you need a minute?’
‘More like several years. Let’s get this over with.’
She nodded as he laced their fingers together, her heart jolting at the touch, and then, as one, they opened the doors and stepped out onto the balcony to face the crowd gathered just beyond the gates.
They might have clapped or cheered or waved flags. Vasili couldn’t tell. All he felt was the weight of his new role. The consequences if he should fail. It wouldn’t be he who suffered, but the ocean of people he now looked upon. Helia was waving. With the ever-present Andreas and Carissa at their backs, she didn’t put a foot wrong—but he would not perform.
They were meant to share a kiss on this balcony. It was what every media outlet was waiting for. The perfect picture to splash on every news site and newspaper in Thalonia and beyond.
Vasili clamped his jaw shut. There was no way he would be kissing Helia in front of all these people. Not when the risk was getting sucked into that space where it was just him and her and this maddening attraction that he didn’t want.
As soon as they were back inside and the doors had closed, Vasili handed his mantle to Andreas before helping Helia out of hers. Without another word to his private secretary, he escorted her to the King’s quarters.
It was an enormous suite, with a luxurious sitting room. Beyond that was a pair of double doors, and the largest and grandest sleeping quarters in the palace. A second door off the sitting room led to the adjoining Queen’s rooms, but Vasili wouldn’t take Helia there.
‘Make yourself comfortable. This is where you will sleep.’
‘Where are you going?’
As much as he felt like a cad for doing so, Vasili didn’t answer her. Her presence was a constant current, zapping over his skin. He could still feel her lips on his. And, heaven help him, he wanted to kiss her again. But there were too many warring emotions in him. Too many thoughts. He needed some space to re-centre.
‘You can call for anything you need.’
He took her in one more time, standing there in her wedding dress with a look of confusion that quickly morphed into a blank slate.
‘Vasili, we have a role to play here.’
He knew that.
‘We have both made sacrifices today.’
Something else he was well aware of. But he couldn’t be in this room with Helia a second longer without her affecting his judgement.
‘You’re right—we have. And it will make no difference to what happens tomorrow or the day after once I’m out through that door.’
‘I can understand you needing to escape. I sympathise. But I have given up a great deal, and with Andreas watching my every step I can’t afford to put a foot wrong. I’ve done everything expected of me today. I can support you, but I need you to do the same.’
Helia calling him out shouldn’t have any effect on him, but damn him if her defiance didn’t appeal to him. Still, he bowed to no one, and even though she had just become his queen and his wife, she would not be the exception.
‘You have done well. But no one—not even you, Helia—gets to dictate to me.’
She nodded once and he left, making a bee line for his old bedroom.
The second the door snicked shut he ripped off his ceremonial baldric. It and his sword were tossed aside, before he dropped into the dark leather chair in the corner of the room.
As soon as he was old enough Vasili had removed every hint of the palace from this space. His sanctuary. Now it was modern, with dark wooden floors and walls so blue it felt like being in the crushing depths of the sea. The artwork above his headboard certainly reminded him of water, and this was where he needed to be to centre himself.
Staring out of the window, he ran his finger along his lip and cursed. He was still thinking of that kiss. Of how much he’d wanted to kiss her in the carriage and again in the King’s suite. But he knew it wouldn’t have stopped there, so he’d had to escape.
Because that kiss had been different. It had made him feel instead of just being a physical indulgence. That kiss had made him need Helia, even though he never needed anyone. It had made him want to do anything, be anything, so he could keep kissing her. He had been so ready to give in to their chemistry after their kiss. Had thought that maybe they could have a little fun in this marriage... But it felt like a risk.
She already had a power over him he couldn’t explain. What would happen if he was to have sex with her? Open himself up to her like that? A kiss was a means to an end, but that wasn’t the case with Helia. Did he really want to risk flaying himself like that? Because he knew sex with her would be different. If a kiss could feel divine, sleeping with her would not be just a physical act. He couldn’t allow it.
But the chemistry they had couldn’t be ignored. It buzzed under his skin even now. They needed an outlet for it somehow. A way they could indulge without getting too close.
What about the fact that he wanted the monarchy to end with him, yet he was required to produce heirs with Helia? An heir and a spare—just like him. Perpetuating the same toxicity he had experienced with his own flesh and blood. Children. Innocents who would never have asked for this world.
He didn’t really know what Helia wanted either—only what she’d agreed to. He didn’t know whether she wanted children or not, and this life was certainly not going to give her a choice in the matter.
Concern for his people might have taken the choice of abdication away from him, but that didn’t mean he had to ensure that the throne endured. It would end with him. Yes, he had married, as was required of him, and since this role of second-best ruler was what he’d been born for, he was now King. However, he could choose not to have children. It would be easy enough to control that.
Vasili crossed the room to a table that held a crystal decanter filled with amber liquid. He poured a measure into a glass and took a sip, relishing the burn in his throat.
He was resolute that he would not have any children just to have them forced into the life he lived. No one should have to suffer his fate...the fate of the King who shouldn’t have been. And now he was expected to move into the King’s quarters. He detested the idea but, thanks to tradition, he didn’t have a choice. He would have to deal with the ghosts of that room. A room meant for his father and his brother but never him. Just the same as the role of King.
He would have to share these walls with people who had never seen the value in him. Who had always found him lacking. Bitter, awful people, who hadn’t ever been happy, hadn’t known love—who had held him in such disregard even though all he had ever wanted was to live his own life. Not to be placed aside just in case he was needed.
So he had lived in spite of them. The sex and the parties...they were all part of a life lived as hard as possible. But now that had to be put behind him. Now he had to look out for the people of this kingdom. People who probably wished that it had been him and not Leander on that plane.
He could feel it even within the palace walls. In the words Andreas said and in the silences he held. Perhaps it would have been simpler if it had been him. Nothing would have changed then. It would have meant little for Thalonia.
Vasili drained his glass and placed it on the towering stack of books on his bedside table.
Running his fingers through his hair, he realised these thoughts would get him nowhere. What he needed to do was decide how he would take on this new life. He had made a commitment to Helia.
Simply thinking her name had him wondering what she would be doing now, in that large room by herself. Wondering if she was upset or hurt. God, she was beautiful. She was his queen, and he would have to help her navigate this life, but she would in turn have to understand what their marriage would and wouldn’t be.
Perhaps he should have discussed it with her before their marriage, but he hadn’t known then just how much she could affect him.
That damn kiss!
He needed to talk to her, but he couldn’t do it now. A night away from her was a good idea, but tomorrow they would forge a new path. One that he carved out.
Helia watched the door close in disbelief. She hadn’t really known what to expect after the ceremonies. Of course she had been told what should happen. That she and Vasili should retire to their rooms with the unspoken expectation that they would consummate their marriage.
While Thalonian royals of eras long past had had separate quarters, that wasn’t a practice followed by modern-day rulers, and certainly wasn’t an option for them. Because they had to sell the image of a strong union which meant sharing a room.
She hadn’t considered that Vasili would leave her standing there in her wedding dress immediately afterwards, as if he couldn’t stand to be in her presence any longer. And it made her feel alone. A feeling she’d thought she was used to.
Helia tried to squash the hurt that needled at her.
What did you expect?Helia quietly chastised herself. Vasili had been honest about not wanting to be married. Just because they were in this together, it did not mean that would change.
Heaving a deep sigh, she bundled the long train of her wedding dress in her arms and walked into the bedroom, hoping to find something there to change into. A stunning white chemise was laid out on the bed. She ran her fingers over the delicate fabric but then snatched them back. She had no reason to wear such a garment.
She turned her back on it and marched into the large bathroom, where she found a thick robe.
With some difficulty Helia managed to get out of her wedding dress. She reached for the dressing gown, but stopped short of taking it off the hook. It was her wedding day and, while it might not have been the day she had dreamed of, why shouldn’t she enjoy what came with it? She might have a reluctant groom, but he wasn’t here now, and all indications were that she wouldn’t see him again that day. She would never have been able to afford such a fine item before becoming Queen, so she marched back into the bedroom and slipped the chemise over her head, luxuriating in the way the fabric kissed her skin as it slid down her body.
She sat on the edge of the bed, taking the fabric between her fingers. There would be a lot to get used to now. Not least of all a husband who had little interest in her despite her attraction to him. That kiss during the ceremony had taken her by surprise. She had anticipated that Vasili might try to avoid it, or perhaps give her a peck on the cheek. But that kiss... It had robbed her of breath and clouded her mind. She had been intoxicated by his presence. His scent. The feel and taste of him. She had forgotten where they stood, giving in to the liquid heat consuming her.
If she closed her eyes, she could feel the phantom warmth from his fingers still ghosting across her cheek. She could have sworn that his eyes had darkened. That he’d been as breathless as her. But then she remembered it was she who was attracted to him. Any feelings from that kiss had been one-sided. After all, she had been the one to notice a handsome prince...he had never noticed an invisible librarian...
Until he did.
Vasili was simply playing a part. As much as she thought she might possibly grow to love him, there was no good outcome to losing her heart to Vasili. She could allow herself to enjoy his touches, but she had to remember it was all a show. Because he would not be married to her if he had been given a choice.
Would he ever have noticed her if she hadn’t been in the library that day? What if one of the library assistants had been there instead of her? Would they be sitting in this room now? She suspected she knew the answer to that. After all, she was not good enough for the Prince who was now King. No one in the palace seemed to think she would be an adequate queen.
Helia ripped the tiara from her hair and tossed it upon the dresser. Had she made a mistake? Or was she just letting the fact that Vasili had walked out unsettle her?
He’s not the reason you’re doing this, she reminded herself.
But she had to acknowledge that that was only half true. Her attraction to him was part of the reason, but the biggest part was that she would finally achieve her goal. Helping people like her was something she had always wanted to do, and she had vowed to find a way one day. Well, one day was here. She had chosen this union with her eyes open in order to serve her wants. So she would not second-guess herself simply because her husband needed space.
And it was obvious that he did.
From the moment the coronation ceremony had commenced Vasili had become withdrawn. There had been a haunted look in his eyes when he’d helped her out of the carriage that he hadn’t been able to cover up in time. What if it wasn’t just her but also this place that he’d needed to leave so urgently?
Helia had seen that he understood her addition to the vows, but maybe he needed to know that she would be on his side. This marriage needn’t be a trap to make him miserable.
She would give him tonight, but tomorrow they would find a way to turn the crown into something they could both live with.