Chapter Nine #2
‘What?’ he prompted, shoving that feeling away. ‘You were what?’
Her lashes came down, her hands curling into fists. Protecting herself, he suddenly knew. She was protecting herself, and from him.
Are you surprised? You left her, and then you married her because you had to. Took her because you wanted to then dragged her here because you couldn’t bear the thought of not having her in your bed. You haven’t given one single shit about her feelings, so why wouldn’t she protect herself?
‘Zoe,’ he said, not knowing what to say or what to offer her. Regret wasn’t an emotion he allowed himself, not these days, but he could feel it inside him, sharp edges like razors, ‘I shouldn’t have done that. I’m—’
‘I wanted you,’ she said, ignoring him, her lashes coming up, revealing her gaze. ‘I had a giant crush on you from the time I was eleven, even though I knew I was too young for you, and when you kissed me on the terrace that night, you made all my fantasies come true.’
* * *
Zoe had no idea why she was revealing this deeply held secret of hers and to the one man she should never reveal anything to, but…
He’d been so furious when he’d walked in and realised she’d gone to MoMA without him. Genuinely furious, and that had surprised her. She’d thought his offer in the plane had been a casual one, and she’d been impatient to go.
She’d loved being in New York—more than she’d thought she would—and had been feeling brave at going out and about herself, navigating her way through the busy city streets and riding the subway. She’d found herself on the street where MoMA was and thought she might as well go in.
She’d loved it, buying herself some ridiculous souvenirs including a silly fridge magnet for him, and she’d just been sorting through her spoils when he’d stalked in.
He was all kinds of beautiful in his handmade blue suit and his white shirt with a scarlet silk tie, and she’d been about to leap to her feet and present him with the fridge magnet when he’d made it very clear that he was furious that she’d gone without him.
First she’d been surprised, then she’d felt guilty.
She’d wanted to apologise, but then he’d grabbed her, his hands on her and his body pressed to hers, making her instantly ravenous.
But she’d decided once they’d arrived in New York that yes, she’d be in his bed only at night.
That she had to have some boundaries around him, mitigate the danger of him in some way.
That way, she could have her cake and eat it too.
She hadn’t meant to tell him she’d been a virgin but he’d been so ridiculously sulky about being denied, and his telling her sex was no big deal when it certainly was to her had been the last straw. So she’d told him straight out and his expression of genuine shock had caught at her heart.
It was an embarrassing thing to admit, and even more embarrassing to admit that she’d had a crush on him for so long, that he’d been in her fantasies for so long too, but the words had just…fallen out of her mouth. And now it was too late to call them back.
A heavy silence had fallen.
Archimedes’s blue gaze held hers, shock still echoing in it.
She felt the urge to soften what she’d said, not make it sound quite so intense and desperate, but something inside her wouldn’t let her.
She’d been hiding herself for a long time.
Hiding her feelings, pretending that nothing mattered, that nothing was a big deal.
But things were a big deal, sex with him was a big deal.
Being with him full stop was a big deal, and she couldn’t keep pretending any more.
He’d told her that she had to give him something and so she had.
She’d given him everything, and while it felt dangerous, reckless, it also felt…
good. Why shouldn’t he know what he was to her?
What he’d been? Why shouldn’t he know that everything she did with him felt momentous and she couldn’t act as if it wasn’t?
‘Your fantasies?’ he demanded, as if she’d said something hurtful. ‘Being shoved onto a table and screwed without any care was really one of your fantasies?’
Her throat tightened at the glitter of anger in his eyes, but she could hear the self-loathing in his voice. It wasn’t directed at her.
‘Yes,’ she said simply. ‘But only being screwed by you.’
To her shock, this time he abruptly turned away, raking a hand through his black hair as he strode over to the windows, his back to her.
‘Don’t make this into something it’s not,’ he said after a moment, his voice flat. ‘Sex might be a big deal to you, but it isn’t to me.’
Something squeezed tight behind her breastbone, but she ignored it.
He was lying, she was sure of it. If sex truly hadn’t been a big deal to him then he wouldn’t have been so shocked when she’d told him she was a virgin.
He wouldn’t now be turning away, his whole posture tense.
Why was he lying though? Was it to protect her or himself?
‘I don’t think that’s true,’ she said, as the realisation hit her.
‘It doesn’t matter what you think.’ He didn’t turn.
She ignored that. ‘Why are you lying, Archimedes?’
He was silent a moment, then turned abruptly, the expression on his face hard, blue eyes glittering like hard, cold sapphires. ‘Once the year is up, that’s all. I’ll be gone, Zoe. You understand that, don’t you?’
‘Yes,’ she said, both to herself and to him. ‘What has that got to do with anything?’
‘There will be no further relationship.’ He took a step forward as if to emphasise the fact. ‘It’s not personal. I just don’t do relationships with anyone.’
Something inside her clenched tight, but she dismissed it, concentrating on him instead. He was very, very certain about this, wasn’t he?
‘Yes, I get it,’ she said. ‘But you still haven’t answered the question.’
He let out a breath and raked another restless hand through his hair.
‘You want to know what happened to me after I left? I went to work for the Russian mob. I stole for them, helped them take down their enemies, did every bad thing you could possibly imagine. And I didn’t care.
Because the only thing that mattered was having money and power.
At first, it was all about coming back for you, Zoe.
To be powerful enough to get you away from Banks. ’
That was not what she’d expected him to say. She frowned and opened her mouth to speak, but he said, ‘I haven’t finished. Just…let me say it.’
Zoe closed her mouth and nodded.