Chapter Eleven #2
Cold crept slowly through him, icy as a glacier, bringing with it that terrible restlessness and impatience. The need to move, to get away from what was hurting him, and he’d pushed himself up from the sofa before he was fully aware of what he was doing.
Zoe’s steady gaze followed him, but she didn’t move. There was something calmer about her, as if she’d found strength from somewhere.
‘And I love you still,’ she said. ‘I have always loved you.’
‘Why?’ he demanded abruptly. ‘Why on earth would you love someone like me?’
‘Because you’re brilliant, passionate and kind,’ she said without missing a beat. ‘You’re protective and funny, and I trust you more than I have trusted anyone else in my entire life.’
The words, and the look in her eyes, the belief she had in him, took his breath away.
‘Zoe,’ he said, ‘I’m not that boy any more, you know that, don’t you?’
She didn’t look away from him, sitting small yet indomitable on the sofa. ‘I’m not talking about that boy, Demon. I’m talking about the man.’
* * *
Archimedes stood in front of her, his tall figure stiff with tension, his blue eyes blazing with something that looked like pain.
She wanted to go to him, put her arms around him, tell him that everything was going to be okay, the way he used to do with her when they were kids, but she knew that touching him right now would be a mistake.
Telling him she loved him was probably a mistake, but it was too late now, she’d said it. The moment she’d seen that stick in the bathroom she’d realised she had to, that she couldn’t keep lying to herself or to him any more.
Lying about letting the future take care of itself.
Lying about how being with him for a year was enough.
Lying about wanting nothing more from him.
She’d wanted that baby so badly that it had felt almost impossible to believe that she wasn’t pregnant.
But there was no denying that test. And she’d managed to hold it together until he’d arrived home, but as soon as he’d asked her what was wrong, she hadn’t been able to stop the sting of tears.
So she’d told him that she wasn’t pregnant, and then she’d seen the fleeting look of disappointment on his face and something had settled inside her.
He’d wanted that baby too, that was clear, but the issue with him was that he couldn’t acknowledge it. He’d said that they could try again, but that wasn’t an admission, not when he was only saying it in response to her distress.
All this time together, he’d been the one giving small pieces of himself to her, and she hadn’t given him anything.
She’d held back, too afraid to say the truth in her heart in case she lost him.
But she couldn’t keep doing that. She couldn’t keep being afraid.
She had to lay her heart bare to him, find the courage to tell him that she loved him, that she always had and always would, and even if he couldn’t reciprocate she would handle it.
She could handle anything.
So she’d said it, and here he was, staring at her as if he couldn’t believe it, or rather, didn’t want to believe it.
And that hurt, she couldn’t deny it, but it had felt good to say the words out loud, to acknowledge her own truth, and to tell him exactly what it was about him that made her love him.
He was staring at her as if she’d stabbed him instead of telling him she loved him, but she didn’t look away. Didn’t pretend she hadn’t said it, that she didn’t mean it. There was a strength inside her she’d never known she had, the strength of her feelings for him, and that gave her courage.
‘But you know what kind of man I am,’ he said, almost desperately. ‘I’m restless, arrogant, demanding. I gave you no choice about coming with me to Greece and then I dragged you halfway around the world purely so you could be in my bed. There’s nothing about any of that that’s lovable.’
‘Yes,’ she said, searching his beloved face, ‘I do know what kind of man you are. You’re all the things I told you that you were, and all those other things you mentioned, those are facets of you, but not the whole.
You challenge me, Archimedes, you always have.
You encourage me to step out of my comfort zone and I love that about you. ’
‘Zoe—’
‘You’re exciting to be with, to be around. Your mind is fascinating to me. Your presence electrifies me. You were right, I did need to get away from Banks. I needed to find my own strength, and I’ve found it.’ She took a breath, certainty collecting within her. ‘I found it through loving you.’
‘I…can’t do it,’ he said, his voice hoarse. ‘I can’t give you the same, I told you that. Love is something that—’
‘You’re afraid of,’ she interrupted gently, because that was where all this was coming from, wasn’t it? He was afraid. He was so committed to believing himself a villain of sorts, using his own temperament as a reason for all the things he did.
Except she was starting to understand that it wasn’t his temperament that was the issue.
No, the issue was that though he might tell himself he’d grown up fine without love, he wasn’t fine at all.
What he was hungry for, what he’d always been hungry for, was love, and if ever a man needed love it was Archimedes, her Demon.
He shook his head, raking a restless hand through his hair. ‘Perhaps. But it’s you I’m afraid for.’ He dropped his hand, looking at her. ‘There’s a reason I was fostered, Zoe. A reason my father never bothered to come looking for me. A reason why Banks let me go, but kept you.’
‘Oh?’ Zoe said. ‘And no doubt it’s because of all those flaws you’re so worried about, yes?’